The Quality of Love

by Rosie Harris

  ‘I’ve only been seeing her in the last couple of weeks, since Cladylliss became so terribly ill, and she was the only one I could turn to,’ she said quietly.

  He stared at her in silence for a moment, and then he cleared his throat and took a long swig of his wine. ‘I think we should call it a day,’ he pronounced. ‘You’re a lovely person and I’ve enjoyed knowing you, and I hope we can stay friends.’

  ‘So you’re walking out on me, are you?’ she challenged.

  Now that the situation was clear she felt no animosity, only relief and satisfaction that he was the one telling her he was leaving and not the other way round.

  ‘I’ll come back to Louisa Street with you and collect all my things and tell Mrs Blackwood that we’re giving up the rooms.’

  ‘Right away?’

  ‘I’ll pay the rent for next week; that will give you time to make other arrangements, won’t it?’ he asked awkwardly as they stood up to leave.

  Outside the July sun was beating down and it reminded Sarah of their romantic weekend in Porthcawl when she’d thought herself to be madly in love and ready to defy her family and sacrifice her career for Gwyn. So much had happened since then; events that had completely changed not only her life but also her outlook.

  As they stepped out on to the pavement Gwyn took her arm to steer her towards the tram stop but she pulled free. ‘I’m not coming back with you. I’ll leave you to go and collect your things on your own.’

  ‘You mean you want this to be our goodbye?’ Surprise mingled with relief in his voice.

  ‘I think it’s for the best since your mind is made up,’ she told him coolly.

  ‘We . . . we can still be friends?’

  She smiled and stepped back out of reach as he made to kiss her. ‘As you said, there’s nothing at all binding us together. We’re just ships that passed in the night, that sort of thing,’ she said stiffly.

  She walked away quickly, determined not to let him see her tears. Although the outcome was what she wanted she still felt desolate that it was all over between them. It seemed so foolish now that she’d truly believed herself to be in love with Gwyn and that they’d be together for ever.

  Automatically she made her way to Cyfartha Street to seek solace in her mother’s company. She wasn’t sure that her dad would welcome her with open arms, but she knew her mother would. She hoped he would tolerate her being there when she told him that she intended to complete her studies and get her degree.

  Even if he didn’t say so in as many words she was pretty sure that the very fact that she had separated from Gwyn Roberts and was determined to salvage her career would please him.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Sarah breathed a deep sigh of relief. At long last her studies were finally over, and fervently she hoped that this would mean that the new year would be a new beginning for her and that all the troubles and frustration she’d had to face were now over.

  She had needed to resit one of her final exams, and it wasn’t until a few days before Christmas that she’d heard that she had passed and that it was confirmed that she really was qualified to be considered for the job she’d applied for in the Housing Department at Cardiff City Hall.

  She still didn’t know if she’d got it, of course, but they had promised to let her know immediately after Christmas so the letter should arrive within the next few days.

  That in itself would be the start of a new life. For the first time ever she would be earning money and no longer be dependent on her parents to provide for her, and it gave her a tremendous feeling of freedom.

  She still grieved for Cladylliss and knew she could never forgive Gwyn for his callousness over her death – or, for that matter, how little interest he’d shown in her from the day she’d been born. It had brought her to her senses though, and now that she’d seen him in his true colours she no longer had any feelings for him.

  It had been a hard lesson but she felt she’d come out of it so much stronger. She no longer worried about what other people said or thought. She was determined that in future she would concentrate on her career to the exclusion of all else.

  When the letter came a couple of days later telling her that her application had been successful, it was an added incentive.

  For once her father showed real pleasure in her achievement. Although he’d not raised any objection to her coming back home he had remained tight-lipped and, she suspected, unforgiving over her misdemeanour and in going to live with Gwyn when she wasn’t even married to him. That was all in the past, however, and possibly because she had applied herself so wholeheartedly to studying and had achieved the sort of success he expected, he was slowly becoming reconciled.

  The fact that as soon as she was earning money she would be able to start repaying her parents for their support and generosity was uppermost in Sarah’s mind. When she asked her mother to agree a figure for her keep, so that she could work out a budget, Lorna demurred.

  ‘I have no idea about that sort of thing; you’ll have to talk to your dad about it.’

  ‘Couldn’t you discuss it with him?’ Sarah begged.

  Lorna hesitated then shook her head. ‘No, cariad; I think it would be a good way for the two of you to overcome any hard feelings. He will be proud of the fact that you can pay your way, so let him be the one to decide.’

  Lloyd took her offer very seriously. When she stipulated that she also wanted to start repaying the money he had invested in her all those years he looked both surprised and pleased.

  She waited while he did some elaborate figuring and wondered if she had done the wisest thing or whether it would have been better if she’d been the one to make an offer. Arguing about it would be both difficult and humiliating.

  To her surprise the amount he asked for was considerably less than she would have suggested. When she said she felt she ought to pay more he shook his head.

  ‘You have never been in the business world before so you have no idea of what other expenses will be incurred. You’ll probably find that you have to subscribe to some sort of trade union and then there will be your morning breaks, lunches and fares, not to mention the fact that you are probably going to need a great many new clothes. I doubt if very many of the ones you have will be suitable for that sort of business environment and dressing correctly can be almost as important as your qualifications.’

  She quickly discovered that he was right. Her colleagues, both men and women, all wore smart suits. As well as union dues, there always seemed to be collections of one sort or another going on. As a newcomer she had no idea which to refuse and which to support and although she kept her contributions within reasonable limits she was surprised to discover how much she spent on such things.

  Buying new clothes was a top priority and it would have been impossible if her mother had not come to her aid.

  ‘You can pay me back week by week,’ her mother told her. ‘It’s a pleasure for me to go shopping like this and to see you looking so smart.’

  Sarah also found that she needed money for socialising. At first she tended to avoid invitations to group outings but then she realised that if she continued to do so she would never really get to know her colleagues so she started going to the occasional event when it was something that interested her.

  From the very first she was determined to be friendly with everyone but not to single out any one person as a special friend or to allow anyone to dominate her life. After a while, however, Sarah found herself more and more in the company of Stefan Vaughan. He was in his mid-thirties, thin, of a medium build, and was so well groomed that with his well-oiled black hair, green eyes, pencil-thin moustache and trim goatee beard, he looked like a sleek cat. His walk also had a feline grace to it. His position in the Educational Offices was one of importance and most people seemed to be wary of him and to treat him with deference.

  Sarah felt no such compunction; her own position was sufficiently important that she felt she could meet him on an equal level.
This seemed to impress him and after they’d met on one or two occasions he suggested they went out one night on their own.

  ‘I’d like the chance to get to know you better,’ he told her, expecting her to be overwhelmed by such flattery.

  Her cool acceptance surprised him; it also astonished her. In the past she would have felt intimidated but not now. She accepted and had every intention of enjoying herself; but she didn’t intend to let him overstep the mark in the slightest.

  It was the start of a whole new episode in her life. In no time at all she was marked down as a ‘good-time girl’ by many of her colleagues; envied by the women, and a challenge to the men.

  Until she’d met Gwyn Sarah had never gone dancing or to the pictures but now, because she was able to pay her own way, she resolved to do these things whenever she wished.

  Stefan introduced her to jazz which was becoming all the rage and in next to no time, with her bobbed hair cut even shorter, she stood out in the crowd he mixed with as being very modern. She only demurred about having a shingle or an Eton crop because she thought that her superiors at the City Hall might consider that to be too revolutionary.

  Outside working hours she began using heavy make-up; kohl to outline her eyes and vivid kiss-proof lipstick to define the shape of her mouth. Stefan had given her one of the new-style powder compacts and a lipstick that was neatly packaged in a shiny metal case.

  Her figure was still slim and very trim, so when she went out dancing she discarded her corset. She wore a bust bodice for decorum’s sake and used pretty garters to hold up her rayon stockings.

  When she had had her hair cut into a smart, boyish style and had begun using make-up, her mother had been quick to warn her to be careful not to overdo things.

  ‘You’ve made one mistake that cost you dearly so you don’t want to make any more,’ she warned. ‘I don’t think that your dad altogether approves of this eat-drink-and be-merry attitude that you’re adopting.’

  ‘He’s not said anything to me,’ Sarah told her.

  ‘Perhaps not, but he’s noticed all the same. He’s very concerned that you seem to be behaving rather wild and that you seem to be becoming a flapper.’

  ‘I’m only catching up with what I should have been doing years ago,’ Sarah told her. ‘Perhaps if I’d been allowed more freedom when I was growing up, instead of being made to study all the time, then I wouldn’t be so eager to do these sorts of things now.’

  Lorna sighed but made no comment, other than to reiterate that Sarah should take care not to land herself in any more trouble.

  ‘I’ve grown up and now I’m as hard as nails; no man is ever going to break my heart ever again,’ Sarah told her with a brittle laugh. Nevertheless, she modified her hairstyle so that although it was still very short it had finger waves in it and at one side a single, big flat curl that rested prettily on her cheek.

  She was also very circumspect about what she wore to work and kept the knee-high flimsy floaty dresses for when she went dancing. By day she wore plain colours, demure necklines and long sleeves. Mostly she favoured black skirts that reached to mid-calf and white blouses. In winter she wore black stockings, in summer the new flesh-coloured ones and strap shoes.

  She enjoyed her work and the responsibility her position carried but nevertheless she was determined to make the most of her leisure time and Stefan was certainly the perfect companion when it came to flirting. What was more, like her he was sedate and conventional during working hours.

  In the office he was high-powered, efficient and respected, but his leisure hours were spent in pursuit of enjoyment and the friends he mixed with in the evenings and at weekends were not in any way connected with the City Hall.

  Even though Sarah refused to partake in any of their drug sessions, he encouraged her to smoke ordinary cigarettes and presented her with an elegant ivory cigarette holder that was elaborately carved with flowers.

  She’d known him for almost six months before she summoned up the courage to take him home. She warned him in advance that her parents were easily shocked and he promised to be on his best behaviour.

  The occasion went far better than she could have hoped; her father treated him very civilly and was impressed by his business acumen and his knowledge of world affairs. Her mother was charmed by his saturnine good looks and his impeccable manners.

  Their friendship had reached a new plateau and when a week later he invited her to a party at his flat in Tydfil Place she felt that it was time to make the situation between them crystal clear.

  ‘I love the excitement of flirting with you but I don’t want things to become serious between us,’ she told him. ‘I’m enjoying my life as it is,’ she added by way of explanation.

  He smiled sardonically and raised his eyebrows. ‘Who says it has to change? Getting to know each other better could improve it.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘Do you think I haven’t noticed how reluctant you are to take part in petting parties? If you want to enjoy life to the full perhaps now that you know there is no commitment on either side you will relax and indulge. Believe me, you don’t know what you are missing out on,’ he told her with a lecherous smile.

  Sarah felt the colour rushing to her cheeks. She’d told no one that she had been living with Gwyn or that she’d already had a child and she wasn’t sure whether she ought to tell Stefan or not.

  He took her hesitation and reluctance for shyness and, taking her in his arms, whispered that he was an experienced lover so she had nothing to worry about.

  ‘Spend the night with me, there’s nothing at all to be scared about,’ he urged. ‘I’ll be so gentle, so tender that you’ll be transported into a trance of heavenly bliss,’ he promised her. ‘I’ll make sure that it is highly romantic,’ he assured her.

  ‘For us, maybe, but how will our families feel about us sleeping together if they ever find out?’

  ‘I have no family to consider and yours need never know unless you tell them.’

  For the first time since she’d met him Sarah was acutely aware that she knew nothing at all about his background. He’d never mentioned his parents or even if they were still alive; she didn’t know if he had any brothers or sisters, or even if he had lived in Cardiff all his life.

  She now felt that she needed to know these things; he was in his thirties so he might have been married and even have children.

  The thought not only alarmed her but also made her realise that she had told him nothing at all about her own background. If she probed too deeply into his then in fairness she would have to recount details about her own past life and tell him things that she’d sooner keep quiet about. Perhaps his idea of secrecy was a good one after all.

  ‘I don’t think we should make our affair public,’ he went on, cutting across her thoughts. ‘It’s not the policy of Cardiff City Corporation to encourage liaisons between members of staff. If it was all out in the open then you might be expected to resign and where would you find a job as lucrative as the one you are doing now?’

  She felt a secret admiration for his forethought. She was enjoying her present lifestyle and she knew she wouldn’t be able to afford to continue doing so if she didn’t have such a high-paid job. She also suspected that Stefan was thinking of his own position as Head of Department because she was quite sure that his salary was considerably more than her own.

  He was far too clever to rush her, and he waited until the end of one of the Jazz parties staged in his flat. They’d been dancing with wild abandonment late into the evening and she’d had far more to drink than usual and her head was reeling. She felt so woozy that when it was time to go home she was unsteady on her feet.

  ‘Go and lie down on my bed for a few minutes and as soon as everyone has gone I’ll make you a strong coffee and that will put things right,’ he told her.

  When he brought in the coffee she was still in a daze and she made no protest when he sat down on the side of the bed
and began to gently smooth her hair back from her forehead.

  She barely touched the coffee because her senses were so aroused and after a few minutes, when he started kissing her, Sarah found she was responding and she made no resistance at all when he began making love to her.

  Chapter Nineteen

  In the months that followed, Sarah revelled in her double life. By day she was a well-paid, highly respected member of the Housing Department; by night she was a fast-living, crazy flapper partaking in petting sessions where there were drink, drugs and abandoned dancing.

  Sometimes their wild capers reached the headlines of the gossip pages of the Western Mail and the Cardiff Evening Echo but no names were ever mentioned although it often hinted that those taking part were highly regarded local citizens.

  Although they indulged in high-spirited fun they always seemed to manage to keep within the law and if Sarah’s parents ever suspected that she was one of the flappers being described they never mentioned it.

  Occasionally, dressed in his dark pinstripe suit and crisp, white shirt and sombre tie, Stefan came to her home for Sunday tea and behaved impeccably. Sarah marvelled at the serious way he discussed financial matters and politics. Lloyd seemed very impressed and always remarked afterwards what a knowledgeable man he was. Often he even went as far as to say how lucky Sarah was to have found such an intelligent friend.

  She sometimes felt quite guilty about agreeing with him and wondered what they would think if they knew about his debauched parties and the drinking and drugs they both indulged in, not to mention the wild, passionate sessions of love-making that followed.

  As these became more and more intense she arrived home later and later. Creeping indoors in the early hours of the morning, often high or light-headed, it took every ounce of care not to stumble over anything or cause any sort of noise that might disturb her sleeping parents.

  When she went out on New Year’s Eve she warned them not to expect her home until next day.