Back to Life Series Box Set

by Danielle Allen

  When the elevator reached the bottom floor, we were immediately greeted by the museum’s coffee shop that was closed for renovations. We sat down at the first empty table. I glanced around the museum’s first floor and saw families, couples, singles, young people, old people, and a diverse mix of nationalities represented. Of all those people, I didn’t see a single familiar face. Except for the one that’s sitting across from me, I thought as I brought my attention to the older woman in front of me.

  “You are Ben’s mother?” I asked incredulously, my voice low and resigned.

  “Yes,” she answered almost apologetically. She seemed uncomfortable as she eyed me.

  “What? I don’t understand.” I shook my head and furrowed my brows in confusion. “The accent?”

  “Ben’s biological mother and James were never serious and after she had him, she relinquished custody. James and I met and married a year later and I’ve raised him as my own. He spent the majority of his years in London in school,” she explained dismissively. Leaning forward, she implored me with her eyes, “How are you?”

  How am I? Who is this woman? I thought gaping at her. We didn’t talk feelings. We always worked so well together because we didn’t talk about anything personal with one another. And now, she’s looking at me with concerned eyes and all I want to do is…tell her. The realization made me want to cry so I bit the tip of my tongue and averted my eyes.

  “How are you?” Deborah repeated. When I didn’t respond, she groaned, “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

  Finally finding my voice, I sputtered, “Wait? What? Did you set this up?”

  “No, no. Of course not.” She pursed her lips and took a deep breath before she started again, “All I wanted him to do was check on you. I never wanted you two to start a relationship.”

  I felt my face contort in horror. Trying to control my anger with a deep breath, I gasped, “You sent Ben to check up on me?!”

  “No, not exactly. I just told him to keep an eye out for you if he ever saw you at the office he was researching this summer.”

  With my elbows on the table, I put my head in my hands. “I don’t understand why you would do this Deborah.” I looked up at her and waited. This whole situation is just too much. Ben already knew who I was when we met? Deborah told him to find me? Our friendship was never really a friendship? I don’t even know what to do with this information, I thought as I reflected on the only friendship I’d ever attempted as an adult.

  “Sahara, we’ve always had a good relationship,” Deborah explained. “You were one of the only people at Miller Security that understood the difference between personal life and work life. You never tried to blur the lines and I respected that. And I watched you grow from a fresh out of college workaholic young woman and develop into a successful workaholic adult. I’ve known for years that you were harboring something heavy, but your personal life was yours and I didn’t pry. You remind me of a younger version of me.” She reached across the table and patted my arm twice and then pulled her hands back into her lap. “The day you came into my office and told me you needed to leave, I knew something bad had happened. It wasn’t in my nature to ask. And to be frank, it’s not in my nature to care. But you’ve always held your cards close to your chest and that day you seemed desperate.”

  The memory of that day made my eyes water. I bit my tongue again and focused on the lines in the wood grain of the table. That was a bad day, I recalled silently as images of the 36 hour crying spree I had been on before walking into Deborah’s office with oversized black sunglasses on to shield my bloodshot eyes. She made me take my glasses off and she didn’t comment on my appearance. She asked me what I needed and after advising me not to leave my position, Deborah provided me with a contact number to the Human Resources Director at RED Inc. Not once did she make me feel ashamed or try to force me to explain. Anyone else would’ve tried to make me talk about it… which would’ve made things that much worse for me. But not Deborah…she understood me, I reflected, my emotions all over the place. I just listened and stared at the woman who sat across from me.

  “You didn’t just seem like you were running. It seemed like you were being chased. And I couldn’t shake a feeling that something or someone was looking for you. So I just asked Benjamin to check on you if he saw you at one of the places I had listed for you.” The rigidity in her posture alerted me to how uncomfortable she must have felt.

  Wiping the corner of my eye to prevent anything from falling, I cast my gaze downward. I felt betrayed by the woman I had looked up to for years. But at the same time, a larger part of me felt cared for. And that feeling made my heart hurt. It made me long for family. It made me long for a mother and father that I had long ago lost. Thoughts of my parents swirled around and made my heart heavy and the threat of tears real. Swallowing the hurt and pain down, I focused on an emotion that was easier for me to tolerate: betrayal. “How could you send your son to spy on me? Do you know how horrifying it is to find out that the person I thought was my friend was just doing a favor for his mommy?”

  “Sahara, I did not tell him to engage with you! I told him to let me know if you looked okay when you two crossed paths. Once he told me you two met, I forbade him from starting a relationship with you.”

  “So why didn’t he tell me you were his mother? Or that he already knew who I was?”

  “I don’t know. My instructions to him were clear: if you see her, let me know how she’s doing and if she looks well. At no point did I instruct him to interact with you, form a friendship with you or anything of the sort. He worked with the best therapist in the state and since you looked shaken up, I added Dr. Summers to the list. When you left my office, I called him and asked him for a list of restaurants, galleries, and lounges. So when I asked him to check up on you, it was because I knew you two would cross paths at some point.”

  “Wow! So you planted me in his world in hopes of what?”

  “In hopes of knowing that you were still alive and well.”

  “I thought we had an understanding, Deborah! I thought we didn’t involve ourselves in the other’s lives! I thought you understood. I thought—”

  “That’s enough,” Deborah interrupted in a firm tone that shut me up instantly. “I’m a private person. I don’t mix my work life and my home life. And I thought that was how you operated until you came to me with plans to upheave your entire life in one week. The last time I had spoken to you, all was well. Then you come into my office looking far less pulled together than I’d ever seen you telling me you’re putting in your notice to leave after just being promoted.” She leaned forward and gave me a stern look over her glasses. “So yes, I was worried. I’d known you for six years and I’d never seen that behavior from you before so I was worried. Worried enough to know that when you were ready, you’d need someone like Dr. Summers to pull you back.”

  My eyes widened in surprise. She was worried about me? I thought with a start. Before I could really comprehend my feelings, my next thought took over. Ben told her I’m seeing Dr. Summers? Of course he did, I concluded as I let the information sink in. But she had to have assumed I’d go, she put it on the list she gave me before I left Richland. God, I must have been in bad shape when I went to her.

  “I didn’t realize you were worried,” I mumbled quietly as I rubbed my temples with my fingers. Her motherly tone and her admission about being worried about me cooled the anger and betrayal I had previously felt. Overwhelmingly, I only felt nurtured and protected. Clearing my throat, I spoke a little louder. “I didn’t mean to worry you. I just needed to get away.”

  Deborah must have sensed a breakthrough because her rigid demeanor softened and she folded her hands into her lap. With a slight smile, she tilted her head and said, “And now that you are away…are things really any better?”

  I chewed on my lip before I answered, “No, not really.”

  “I’m going to tell you something and I want you to take it for what it is.” She wait
ed for me to nod before she continued, “Dr. Summers is a lifesaver. She got me through a rough time. And if you let her, she’ll get you through yours too. You just have to face whatever you are running from. Confront it.”

  Maintaining eye contact with her, I nodded again as her words pierced me. I didn’t know if it was the timing or the delivery or because it was Deborah, but my eyes flooded with tears and fell in fat droplets down my cheeks. Standing up, she pulled me by my arm until I was on my feet too. I could’ve put up a fight but I didn’t. As she wrapped her arms around me, I realized that I wanted to be mothered…or fathered…or just parented. I needed this, I thought as I squeezed her and my eyes tightly. Releasing her, I wiped my face.

  “Thank you,” I croaked, unwilling to allow myself to breakdown again. The tears threatened to fall but I bit the tip of my tongue before I continued, “For looking out for me.”

  “I’m sorry I went about checking on you the way that I did. Instead of asking Benjamin to check up on you, I should’ve just called you myself.” She placed her hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes. “But you are like me and you wouldn’t have told me anything.”

  I smiled slightly because she was right. I assumed her small smile and raised right eyebrow was because she knew I knew she was right. “You’re right,” I admitted.

  “I know.” She pushed her glasses up on her nose before stating gently, “You are stronger than you think.”

  I nodded and hugged her because if I didn’t, I would start crying again. She squeezed me tight and stroked my hair. And I let her. We stood like that for at least a minute and it felt good. Her motherly embrace was exactly what I needed and I didn’t even realize I needed it until that moment. Stronger than I think, I thought to myself as I let Deborah’s observation roll around in my mind. Painfully, I reflected on my recent decisions. I went to Richland to apologize to Ty even though I knew he was angry. I went to Thomasville to apologize even though I knew he’d be angry. I walked away from the love I felt for Emanuel even though it was heartbreaking for me. All of those things took strength. I am stronger than I think. Before my emotions were able to get the best of me, I heard a voice cut through the varied voices of the museum lobby.

  “Can I speak to you for a second, Sahara?” Ben asked from behind me. The tears that had welled up only moments before dried instantly at the sound of his voice.

  I stiffened and my arms fell to my sides. I watched Deborah’s lips purse in apparent displeasure before I turned around. He looked completely ill at ease and fidgety. I looked at Deborah and then back at him. Where he was hostile and combative with his father, he was a scolded school boy with his mother, I noticed as I took in his uncomfortable stance and anxious face. His eyes flitted between me and his mother in a jumpy, unnatural way.

  “Benjamin, we will talk after I find your father,” Deborah commanded with a quietness that made me nervous for him.

  “Yes, Mother,” Ben answered as she walked to the elevator leaving me alone with Ben. Turning to me, he stuffed his hands in the pockets of his khaki pants. “Sahara… I don’t know what to say. Please let me explain.”

  “There’s nothing to explain. You lied to me,” I said simply. I folded my arms and gave him a cool, detached stare.

  “It wasn’t like that,” he stammered, shaking his head no. He took his hands out of his pockets and started shaking his hands in time with his head. “When I first saw you, I didn’t have the slightest idea who you were.”

  “But as soon as you put it together, you didn’t tell me the truth. I thought you were my friend. I didn’t know I was a project your mother assigned to you.” I shook my head and took a step back. “I should’ve known better,” I muttered to myself.

  “Yes, Mother wanted me to keep an eye out for you. But after we met and I phoned her to tell her I saw you at Dr. Summers’ office, I had to go back to talk with you. I was supposed to just make sure you looked okay and let her know if there was cause for her concern. She thought it would be messy if we became friends, but I was intrigued by you. She didn’t tell me much about you, but what she did tell me made me want to figure out what was going on with you.” He put his hand on his chest and continued, “I apologize for not telling you the truth. I should’ve told you over coffee that first night, but I didn’t want to push you away. So I kept it to myself. And after that night, any other time I thought about telling you, the timing wasn’t right.”

  Hearing him say, the timing wasn’t right transported me to past conversations with Tyree and Emanuel. Feeling my blood start to boil, I thought, the timing wasn’t right? The timing wasn’t right? The timing…wasn’t right?!

  The more I repeated the sentence, the angrier I got. “The timing wasn’t right?” I scoffed, taking another step back. “I’m tired of hearing that! When it’s something that important you make time. Our friendship is based on a lie.”

  “But it became real.” Ben took a step forward and gave me his most charming smile.

  My face twisted into a scowl and my eyebrows furrowed together. It made me even angrier that he thought he could charm his way out of his deception. “It was based on a lie so nothing about it was real,” I spat out.

  “If you can forgive my mum, surely you can forgive me,” he responded cockily, rubbing his hands together slowly. His tone changed from pleadingly sweet to arrogantly self-assured. He sounded like he was used to getting his way and expected this to be no different.

  “What?!” I shouted incredulously. Deborah did what she did because she cared. Ben did what he did because he was curious, I thought as I felt the disappointment well up inside me. This is exactly why I don’t trust people. I should’ve never gone to coffee with him. My gut instinct was right. I shouldn’t have—

  “It really isn’t that big of a deal,” Ben interrupted gently, reaching his hand out to touch my shoulder.

  I jerked my upper body away from his outstretched hand and pointed at him. I don’t know if it is his cavalier attitude or the fact that he lied to me or the fact that he just said it was no big deal, but I am so over him and this friendship. I don’t need the unnecessary drama, I thought as he looked at me dumbfounded.

  “Do me a favor,” I said with a quiet intensity that I hoped mimicked his mother’s tone. “Lose my number.”

  Smirking, he replied, “Come on Sahara. We’re friends. You can’t just walk away.”

  You have no idea, I thought as I turned on my heel and strode out of the museum without looking back. The sun was beaming down and the weather was a little warmer than it was when I had first arrived at the museum, but it almost felt hot after being in the cold museum. Lifting my face to the sun, I soaked in the rays and it tickled my skin. And I smiled.

  Chapter 24

  Two Months Later

  “I noticed you’ve stopped writing about Emanuel completely,” Dr. Summers observed with a slight inflection in her voice.

  I don’t know what she wants me to say about this, I thought as I shrugged my shoulders and frowned a bit. I’m with Ty. Writing about Emanuel is pointless…and painful. It’s bad enough when he pops into my mind and I think about him. Trying to make sense of everything by writing it was just driving me crazy and putting a strain on my relationship. I inhaled deeply and sat quietly.

  It’s not that I didn’t want to answer the question; I just didn’t know how. After three months of therapy, Dr. Summers and I had gotten into a rhythm and I never had panic attacks in her office anymore. If she asked a question about a sensitive topic, I could take a deep breath and move on. Soon I’ll be rid of these panic attacks altogether, I thought with hope.

  “Well, I can absolutely see the progress you’ve made,” Dr. Summers remarked as she flipped through my journal. I smiled in response. For the last three months, I’d kept a daily journal of my thoughts and feelings. Although Dr. Summers had requested the journal twice before, this final time was important as it was the conclusion of the three months of therapy she recommended when I first came to h
er office.

  She closed the journal and handed it back to me, saying, “But it’s not about what I see, what do you see? Do you recognize your areas of growth?” Dr. Summers leaned forward in her chair. Her burgundy corduroy pants rustled as she uncrossed her legs.

  “Yes. When I read the earlier entries in the journal, I can see where I accepted blame for things that were out of my control.”

  “And now?” Dr. Summers implored with an encouraging smile.

  “And now, I can at least see the difference between things I can control and things I can’t. I’m not assuming the blame for everything that happens to the people in my life. And I’m—I’m forgiving myself. ” I looked at the cinnamon candle burning on the mantle and then back at Dr. Summers. “Well, I’m working on forgiving myself. I have good days and bad days.”

  Nodding, Dr. Summers jotted something down in her notebook before she said, “Forgiveness is key to your healing. It is how you will ultimately find your peace. And I must say, you are making extraordinary progress, Sahara. You are starting to not define yourself or your life by the tragic life experiences that you’ve gone through.”

  Noticing the time, I uncrossed my navy Carolina Herrera wide leg pant covered legs and scooted to the edge of the chair. “I feel good emotionally, Dr. Summers. I haven’t felt this emotionally healthy since before…my dad died.” Just saying the words felt foreign. The sheer fact that I can say the words ‘dad’ and ‘died’ without feeling guilty or crying was proof of the progress I’d made in three short months, I thought proudly.