Where There's A Will

by Mary Malone

  “What was her reaction to his departure?”

  “Acted as though he’d never existed. Refused to talk about him or try and locate him.”

  “Perhaps he tried to contact her and she never told you?”

  “Well, if that’s true, he didn’t try hard enough! He played the victim, allowing Mum to win, turning his back on his daughter, son and grandson, treating us as though we’d done something wrong.” Her hurt was masked in bitterness.

  Kieran could see why she’d feel like that. “It’s impossible to read another person’s mind, even those we feel we know well.”

  Jess stared into space. “I’ve wondered about suicide and other stuff but I keep telling myself he’d have been identified and we’d have been notified if his body had been found.”

  “You would think so.” Kieran gave a shudder. “Would your mother have been spiteful enough to hide correspondence that came from him?”

  She rubbed an imaginary mark on the knee of her jeans. “Who knows? Anything’s possible. But I doubt it – I would normally be the one collecting the post from the door.”

  “But why didn’t you leave too? Go with him?” The notion made a lot of sense to Kieran.

  “He left so suddenly,” she said. “There wasn’t time to think. I was confused by raging hormones and tied up in a series of gynaecology appointments.”

  “You should have at least left your mother’s house when you were so unhappy. I don’t know why you didn’t.”

  “I was having a baby on my own, Kieran,” she shot back, diverting her gaze away from him. “Running away wasn’t an option.” Her tone was sharper than she’d intended, her heart hardening in defence. It’s so easy for him sitting there suggesting that I could have managed in a dingy flat or apartment with an infant, she thought. He wouldn’t say that if he’d walked the floors at all hours of the night with a baby with colic!

  The absence of any other form of support with Greg had left her vulnerable. Instead of moving away from her mother as she’d intended, circumstance had forced her to remain, leaving her trapped in her childhood home with a bitter mother who wouldn’t know a normal conversation if it jumped up and bit her on the backside! But useless and abusive as she’d been, at least she remembered to put on loads of washing and ensure Greg had an endless supply of clean clothes, something Jess wasn’t sure she’d have been capable of coping with in the first months of motherhood. Her mother had been healthier then, more independent, and not as immobilised as she’d been when she’d died.

  “I didn’t mean to offend you, Jess, but to me staying sounds more difficult,” Kieran clarified.

  “Look, my father never asked me to go with him. My mother, tough as she was, at least gave me a roof over my head and kept food in the fridge, the main two commodities I needed in the first few months of Greg’s life.”

  “And did you try and get work? I remember how much you’d looked forward to a career.”

  With a wistful expression, she shook her head. “Coming back home after my degree was a huge mistake – it sapped my energy and my initiative. My mother demanded all my attention. Then, eventually, finding out I was pregnant knocked my confidence and I talked myself out of applying for positions, believing a pregnant inexperienced applicant wouldn’t even be considered.”

  “And since he was born?”

  Again she shook her head. “Wasn’t to be. Mum’s health – you’d swear she planned it – deteriorated. Time just drifted by, my confidence disappearing with sleepless nights and repeated nappy changes. Suffering the loneliness of being without my own father, I tried my best to be mother and father to Greg.”

  “And as he got older?”

  If only it had been so simple, she thought with a sigh, his questions nothing she hadn’t asked herself over the years. “I lost my nerve, hadn’t the guts to be completely alone with a small child in a strange town without a proper means of supporting him. And Mum threatened to cut me off without a cent if I left Pier Road. Scraping by on benefits, trying to cover rent and utilities and food and clothes, wasn’t exactly the upbringing I had in mind for Greg. And I was no match for my mother’s manipulative tricks.” What she’d left unsaid was that she had never given up hope on her father walking through the door, alive and well, breezing back into her life as though he’d slipped out to the shop for milk and bread.

  A comfortable silence settled between them, Kieran the first to break it when he got to his feet.

  “Come on, Jess,” he said, holding out a hand to her. There was still plenty of time before Greg was due to be collected from school. “We could do with a walk and some fresh air.”

  “I must look a sight,” she said, slipping her hand in his and staggering slightly when he pulled her to her feet, clutching his arm to steady herself.

  Staring at her intently, he thought she had never looked more beautiful, her eyes bright and shining with unshed tears, her lips quivering, her cheeks slightly flushed. It took great willpower not to wrap his arms around her tiny frame and pull her head into his chest, encouraging her to cry and cry until she had no tears left, kissing her soft lips until they were numb, replacing her pain with in-depth pleasure.

  “What about Greg’s father, Jess? Couldn’t he have offered help?”

  She pulled her hand from his, shaking her head in response.

  He mentally kicked himself for his insensitivity, the spell breaking between them. “None of my business,” he apologised. “Forget I even asked that question.”

  “You’ve listened to enough of my moans for one day,” she said. “And that walk sounds like the therapy I need after a stressful morning. Give me a few minutes to freshen up and then I’ll join you outside.”

  Conversation was minimal as they strolled along the pier, both deep in thought as they inhaled the salty air and enjoyed the peaceful atmosphere.

  “The craic we had here,” he commented as they watched a few lads push a fishing boat into the water.

  “Don’t remind me,” she said with a smile. “If my mother knew half the things we got up to, she’d never have let me outside the door!”

  “You had as much freedom as the rest of us if memory serves me right.”

  “Suited her not to have a bored teenager under her feet.”

  The sun made an appearance from behind the clouds.

  “I haven’t told Greg the truth about his real dad,” she said evenly, turning her face to the sun and closing her eyes, savouring the delicious feel of heat on her skin.

  “I suppose he’s none the wiser at his age. Would he even question it?”

  She pursed her lips. “Every little boy wants a dad he can turn into a hero, someone he can aspire to be when he grows up,” she replied, her voice tinged with sadness.

  “Never looked at it like that. So the dad’s not around?”

  “I’ve created a story for him about a sailor sailing the high seas in an enormous ship.”

  “And he’s never questioned the length of time he’s been away?”

  The sun disappeared behind dark clouds. Jess opened her eyes once more, turning to face Kieran. “His concept of time isn’t great and thankfully he’s easily distracted. So far at least.”

  Kieran recalled the distant look in Greg’s eye as he’d stared beyond him that first night he’d visited Jess’s house. He hadn’t taken too much notice of the water activity at the time, but thinking back on it now there must have been a ship’s lights visible in the distance. Could that be what had made him whisper “Daddy”? The innocence of youth, he thought, and the lengths some mothers will go to protect their children. But if he was right, if Greg had just been looking at a distant ship that night, his own assumption that the father was a local man was unsound. In fact, it was probably someone from college that she’d rather forget. Perhaps that’s why she’d returned to Schull so suddenly. Then he remembered how she had so abruptly disappeared inside her front door that night and he wondered again.

  But all that didn’t matter. A day
might arrive when she felt like sharing and he’d be happy to listen if she chose him as her confidant but for now he was happy to provide a shoulder of support and friendship to help her through the awkwardness with Henry and Pru. How their relationship would progress was anybody’s guess.

  “That imaginary sailor’s a cool story for Greg,” he offered kindly.

  “I’m not trying to be coy,” she explained, “but some things are best left as they are, this being one of them, I believe.”

  She looked at him long and hard, expecting disgust or disapproval in his expression, a trace of pity for how irresponsible she’d been, hugely relieved and grateful when he didn’t register any of these emotions. Without uttering another word, she clasped his hand and mouthed a silent ‘thank you’.

  “Your story, your business,” he repeated, putting his other arm around her shoulders and pulling her to him, stronger evidence of his understanding than any words could be.

  “Come on, lady, it’s almost school time. Your son will be waiting to sail home.”

  They laughed together, the atmosphere between them lightening in an instant.

  Reaching the school gate as the children ran out, bags on their backs and smiles on their faces, Kieran and Jess both opened their arms when Greg came running towards them.

  “Are you here to collect me?” Greg’s eyes lit up as he ran straight into Kieran’s arms, barely acknowledging his mum.

  “What about my kiss?” she exclaimed, dropping her arms by her side.

  “I’m too old for kisses,” he said indignant.

  “You tell her, kid,” Kieran teased, winking at Jess over the boy’s head. “Why do mothers love to embarrass their sons?”

  Greg shook his school bag off his shoulders and handed it to Kieran. “Will we go to the park now?”

  “After you’ve eaten your lunch,” Kieran promised, pleasantly surprised when Greg slipped his small hand into his as they stepped outside the gate and onto the footpath.

  Jess took her son’s other hand and they swung him high in the air between them, his squeals a source of interest and envy to the other children, encouraging him to swing higher and higher, continuing for the short distance to Pier Road.

  “Can we go to the park in five minutes? I’ll eat lunch as fast as I can,” Greg pleaded as they arrived at their houses, all too soon for the little boy who’d have happily continued kicking his feet in the air. “Kieran, can we?”

  But Kieran wasn’t heeding his small companion, his attention turning to the man sitting on his front wall.

  “John!” he called, catching his guest unawares.

  John Kilmichael had been looking in the other direction, Kieran’s arrival taking him by surprise. He got to his feet, shoving his hands in his pockets.

  “Hello there. Kieran, isn’t it?”

  “That’s right. These are my friends and neighbours, Jess and Greg.”

  “I’m sorry, I was miles away, never noticed you approach. Polly’s not answering,” he commented, jerking his head towards Number 5.

  Greg screwed up his face in concentration, staring at the man, taking in his sensible jumper and trousers and polished black leather shoes. Then he piped up after a moment: “I met you before in Kieran’s garden.”

  “Good detective work,” John said, smiling. “Nothing much slips past you!”

  “We’re going to the park,” Greg told him, pushing his chest out.

  Jess’s phone rang at that moment and she moved away from them to answer it.

  Damn, Kieran thought. He needed to get John away from Jess and Greg. And soon.

  “Greg, I’ll give you a call as soon as I can. Wait for Mum next door like a good boy.”

  But Greg wasn’t budging. “You promised.”

  “Is there something I can help you with?” Kieran asked John, feeling perspiration rolling down his back.

  “I was concerned when Polly hadn’t called, thought I’d pay another visit seeing as I wasn’t too far away. You did pass on my message?”

  “Of course but she’s been a bit under the weather.” Kieran’s response sounded flippant, even to his own ears. He glanced at Jess, relieved she was still engrossed in her call.

  Explaining Polly’s continued absence would be difficult. John’s contact had been regular before she’d been taken into the home. As the thought went around his head, he wondered why Polly hadn’t informed him she wouldn’t be around. He could have visited the nursing home. It wasn’t as though it was a surprise decision. And combining her diary entries and her instructions to Olivia, she’d had time to make arrangements, wasn’t shifted suddenly or unexpectedly. So why had she excluded John? Or had she simply run out of time before managing to contact him?

  “Kieran, Greg and I should go. We can catch up later.” Jess’s return cut in on his thoughts.

  “But, Mum! We’re going to the park!” a petulant Greg insisted.

  “Please don’t let me delay you if you’ve got plans,” John apologised, pushing up the sleeves of his navy lambswool jumper as the sun made a pleasant appearance.

  Kieran groaned inwardly, wishing the other man was unpleasant and difficult. Lying to him would be easier then. How on earth did I allow my father to tie me up in knots with this man? Other than that one conversation on the golf course, he hadn’t taken any opportunity to discuss the subject with Frank, reluctant to upset him and waiting for him to offer further information.

  But how the hell can I keep pawning him off if he turns up like this, he wondered, struggling to think of something to say? Concoct another load of lies? Or make a sneaky call to Dad for advice or permission? I’m a bit old for that now, he thought, staring at John openly, trying once more and failing to see any resemblance between him and Polly. He wasn’t convinced. Could his father possibly be mistaken?

  Life had been so straightforward before this, nobody to worry about or take responsibility for, nobody but himself. Sighing, he took his house keys from his pocket and made to go inside.

  “Jess, I’ll catch up with you later,” he said.

  “But you said we’d play football, Kieran! Didn’t he, Mum?” Greg looked up at his mum, reluctant to return home without Kieran in case he was denied his coveted trip to the park.

  “Is Polly up to visitors?” John asked.

  “Polly’s in Heaven with my nana,” Greg piped up in a very matter-of-fact voice.

  Kieran and Jess exchanged a swift look, John standing between them, tallest of the trio, looking from one to the other, waiting for somebody to explain Greg’s announcement.

  Thinking about it later, Kieran would realise that the child’s statement could have been explained as confusion, misinterpretation or merely a story concocted by an adult to placate a child’s inquisitiveness. But the deathly silence that followed ended any opportunity for subterfuge, the shocking truth registering on Jess and Kieran’s faces, instantly giving the game away.

  Unexpected drops of rain began to fall, a vivid rainbow sweeping across the sky overhead.

  “Let’s get inside,” said Kieran. “John, step in out of the rain. Jess and Greg, you too.”

  Walking through the hallway Kieran contemplated giving John the package, but then thought better of it, realising it’d look suspicious if he happened to have it sitting in a drawer, yet had made no attempt to contact him. Greg’s announcement needed explaining first. He’d see about the package afterwards.

  “Kieran?” John was the first to speak when they stood in the kitchen.

  Kieran let Greg’s school bag slide from his shoulder onto the chair, stalling for time. “Greg, there’s an old hurley and sliotar in the garden if you want to play with them while the adults chat.”

  “But it’s raining!”

  “Sorry! I wasn’t thinking.”

  “We should go home for lunch, Greg,” Jess decided, preferring to leave Kieran alone with his visitor, confused about what was happening and terrified Greg would make an already awkward situation much worse.

 
“No, Mum, I want to play with this!” Greg had spotted the cuckoo clock on the wall and pushed the hands around, rubbing his hands in glee when it made the wooden bird come out of its perch and chime “Cuckoo! cuckoo! cuckoo!’.

  I should never have lied to John in the first place, Kieran thought, cursing his father for putting him in the situation. He doubted he’d get out of the fix he was in without resorting to something close to the truth.

  “Kids are gas, aren’t they?” he said.

  “Can be at times. Although they’ve been known to make more sense than adults at other times!”

  Ouch, Kieran thought. “Care to take a seat?”

  John shook his head and eyed him squarely. “Only that I’ve seen the photographs, I’d be seriously concerned about your viability as her nephew. What the hell’s going on here? And what is the truth? Is Polly dead or alive?”

  “No need to get hostile,” Kieran warned, disliking his abrasive tone and recalling his father’s dislike of the man who seemed to loom over him.

  “Answer my question then. Where’s Polly? Has she disappeared off the face of the earth?”

  “I told you already,” Greg piped up again. “She’s in Heaven. Didn’t you hear me the first time?” This time the young boy swung around to face John, aware that his declaration was gaining him attention for some reason and playing to its strengths. “Do you know anyone in Heaven?”