Protecting Abigail

by R. R. Banks

  "Just the porch."

  "Better than the bedroom."

  I nod and shake his hand. As they leave, I wrap my arm around Abigail's shoulders and guide her back into the cabin. The smell of the fire still lingers in the air.

  "The smell will be better by morning. We can stay. But if you want to go home, we can."

  Abigail steps away from me, shaking her head as she wraps her arms around herself.

  "You can't honestly believe this was just some fluke," she says.

  "What do you mean? You heard what the firefighters said. They found a camp somebody put up. Probably somebody out hiking, or a transient. They put together a fire and didn't put it out well enough. The results were unfortunate for us, but that's it."

  "No, Xavier. This wasn't somebody out for a hike or someone just passing through."

  "Why not?"

  "For the fire to have gotten as far as it did… Even the firefighters said that it was only a few yards. Anybody setting up camp there would clearly see the cabin and know we were here. No casual hiker or transient would set up camp this close to people in a cabin. They wouldn't want to be seen and probably wouldn’t want anybody watching them. No experienced camper would do that, either, and to add to it, they would know how to extinguish a campfire properly. This wasn't an accident."

  "Are you trying to tell me it was Trevor?"

  She nods, and I let out of breath, resting my hands on her shoulders to steady her.

  "I know you're still shaken up about seeing him with Anna the other day. We came out here to take all of that off your mind, but it seems to be working out to be the opposite. You immediately think anything that goes wrong has to do with him. But it doesn't. This was an accident, that's all."

  "That's not all," she insists. "This is Trevor. This is just another way for him to show me he is following me, and that I'll never be able to get away from him. Now it's not just me, he's directing it at you."

  My chest tightens, and I grit my teeth for a few seconds in an attempt to remain calm. She's giving voice to the panic I feel, and I hate each of her words that ring true. I wouldn't admit to her what I was actually feeling, and but I don't want her to think about it, either.

  "You're overreacting," I tell her.

  "I'm not," she says. "I'm not overreacting. This is Trevor. I know it."

  "Alright," I say. "If that is the case, and he knows everything about you and your life, why is it taking him so long to act? He didn't do anything when he saw you the other day. If he's been lurking around, and following you, and knows everything about your life now, why hasn't he done anything? I'm not questioning what’s happened in the past. I know he's done some really fucked up stuff, but that doesn't mean that this is him, too. Getting arrested would have either made him stop completely, or it would have made him angry enough to go after you sooner when he knew you weren't going to get away."

  "But that's just it, he didn't want to. Getting to me wasn't the point this time. He's already proven that if he wanted to, he could. He enjoys the torment. He likes the power trip of putting me on edge and making sure I never know what's going to happen, or when. He loves taking my control and making me feel unbalanced. That's what makes this situation as bad as it is. He's not doing this to get revenge on me, or to punish me. He's doing it because he likes it. He's doing it because he wants to scare me, and to make sure I don't forget the power he has over me. It puts me in an incredibly fucked-up position because there's no outcome where I win. There's nothing that won't play into his hand. If I show him I'm scared, and I keep making changes to my lifestyle to try and avoid him, then he feels most powerful. He enjoys seeing me scampering around, trying to stay ahead of him. The more I do it, the more it amuses him. But if I don't show that I'm scared, and I keep living my life as if nothing's happening, it makes him angry. It frustrates him that he's not getting a rise out of me, so he'll use increasingly more extreme tactics until he does."

  I hate to see Abigail this way. I hate to see the uncertainty in her eyes, and to know someone is hurting her this much. I want to hold her and protect her, and let her know she's safe with me.

  "You can't let him do this to you," I say. "If you really think he had something to do with this, we can call the police again. We'll keep doing it until he's either back in jail for a longer time, or he gets over trying to get you back."

  "You don't understand, Xavier. He's not going to ever get over it. He's not going to move on. That's not how people like Trevor function. No matter how much time has passed since he’s last shown up, I'm always going to be waiting for the next time. It's something you can't ever really understand."

  "I'm trying my best to."

  She looks at me with an indecipherable expression on her face. There is something in her eyes that looks distant, like she is already somewhere far away from me.

  Abigail

  I take a breath, trying to find the right words to explain what I’m feeling. It feels impossible to describe. All I can do is start talking and let the words come out as they will.

  "Every time I think of Trevor looking at me, or being anywhere near me, it's like my skin is being pulled away from my body. He doesn't just want to tell me what to do. He wants to create me. He wants to go into my mind and control every piece of me. I feel like I lost a piece of myself to him when I think of what he did to me – and conditioned me to do in response. I never left that house. Not really. Only a part of me did. The rest is still there, waiting for him to catch up to me."

  "I know he scares you," Xavier starts, but I shake my head, stopping him from continuing.

  "It's not just that he scares me, Xavier. I can handle fear. Fear is my own. It's that he makes me feel like I'm fighting so hard for something I can never have because it's already gone. I've already lost myself. I gave it over to him a long time ago, before it even had a chance to be. When I let him convince me that he was all I had, and all I would ever have, and I made that my reality. I sacrificed the person that was still inside waiting to become reality. I never gave myself the chance to be that person, so I have nothing left to be. Whenever he comes near me, whenever I know he's been there, it's just a reminder that I'm living a borrowed life. One day my life, my existence is going to be his again, because it always has been. I'm not a person. I'm a possession. I don't think I'm afraid of what he'll do to me. I'm afraid to see what I've done to myself."

  "You didn't do anything to yourself," Xavier mutters. "This isn't your fault. None of this is your fault, Abigail. You didn't do anything to make him do this to you."

  I don't really expect him to say anything less. No matter how insistent Xavier is, however, it doesn't change the tight, knotted ball inside me.

  "Whether I caused it or not, I know where this is headed. I know Trevor isn't going to stop. Not ever. I've tried to tell myself that he will. For so long, I've tried to convince myself that there will be a time when I'll finally be free from him, but not anymore. I know he's never going to go away now. He's not going to stop until he kills me."

  "How do you know that?" Xavier asks.

  I know he's trying to be reassuring. He doesn't want that thought to enter his own mind, much less mine, and he hopes he can calm me by pretending that possibility doesn’t even exist. But we both know better. My body trembles and I take a small step toward Xavier. I need to be close to him, to feel his presence surround me, protect me. I've never felt safer than when I'm with him, but I know deep within me that even this won’t be enough.

  "Because my father killed my mother," I say.

  I thought it would be harder to say, but the words come out sharp and unwavering. I see Xavier's eyes darken and his jaw tighten. A vein pulses on the side of his neck as he draws in a long breath.

  "What happened?" he asks.

  His voice has lost the hint of optimism it held only moments ago.

  "His abuse escalated. He got worse as the years went on, but she was desensitized to it at that point. Rather than leaving him, she forced he
r mind and spirit to shut down, not showing any sign of reaction. That only made my father angrier. He craved the reaction. He didn't have my brother or me in the home to terrorize at that point, so all he had was my mother, and if she wasn't reacting, it didn't give him the sense of pleasure and control he wanted so badly. Her lack of reaction told him he wasn't in total control of her, that she had some strength within herself to hold it in. Even though it was actually because she had been broken down to the point there was nothing left inside of her, he didn't see it as weakness. And one day, he just kept going until he killed her. That's one of the reasons I feel so connected to Anna. We both lost our mothers in horrible ways and weren’t able to do anything about it."

  "Evan never told me that," Xavier says.

  "He doesn't talk about it. He pretended they didn't even exist once he left home. He hated what we went through and felt like our mother allowed it to happen, but when she died," I hesitate, battling through the painful emotions tightening my throat and clouding my mind, "Evan didn't take it well."

  It is a tremendous understatement, but I can't think of any other way to put it.

  "He didn't take it well?" Xavier asks. "What does that mean?"

  I let out a long breath.

  "He felt extremely guilty," I explain. "He felt like because he left, all of the pressure and control that my father would have put on him was directed to our mother. He felt like he should have been there to protect her."

  "That wouldn't have helped," Xavier says. "If Evan had stayed, your father would have just killed him, too."

  I nod.

  "I know. But Evan didn’t believe that. It's why he's so protective of me. He sees the same thing happening. He knows as well as I do that I took myself out of one situation only to put myself back into the same thing with someone else. He couldn't protect our mother, and now he can't protect me."

  "That's not true," Xavier says. "We've protected you just fine until now. Trevor has gotten close to you, but he hasn't been able to get you yet."

  "Yet," I say. I shake my head. "That's exactly what I'm trying to tell you. He hasn't gotten to me, but that doesn't mean he's not going to, and just like you said about Evan and my father, he's not going to stop just because you two are there. I know you'll do everything you can to protect me, but what about Anna? I can't keep putting her at risk. I can't put any of you at risk. I have to go."

  I start to pull away from him, but Xavier steps closer, not letting me get more than a few steps away. I remember the way it felt for Trevor to hold me this way, to grip me so tightly I felt like I could barely even shift my weight, much less go anywhere else. It feels different with Xavier. There was tangible terror and rage in Trevor's hands. The pressure of his fingertips made my arms ache, and sent chills of fear rolling down my spine. Xavier's hands feel protective and loving, the pressure reassuring me rather than frightening. By holding me in place Xavier isn't controlling me, but keeping me in the moment.

  "We are going to call the police again. They'll get Trevor and put him away. You can't leave, Abigail."

  I want to let it comfort me. I want to let it bring me back into the happiness I felt for such a brief time, but I know I can't. Disappearing into that again will just put me and the family I created with Anna and Xavier, in more danger than I already have.

  "What if they don't believe me?" I ask. "What if I call them again, and they ignore me? Or they say it has nothing to do with them? You believed the firefighters too. Even you, having watched everything that's happened, and knowing everything I've gone through, didn't hesitate to believe them when they said it was a campfire."

  "That's what I wanted to believe," he says. "I hate that you might be scared or in danger. But if you honestly believe it was Trevor, the only thing we can do is contact the police again. We'll tell them what happened, and you can explain to them why you believe it was Trevor. They told you if he contacts or threatens you again, they'll put him in jail for a much longer sentence and won't consider early release again."

  I nod and curl into Xavier's chest. My eyes close as I listen to his heartbeat. My own heart aches inside a chest that feels echoing and empty. I feel like I’ve become enclosed within a glass bubble. Anyone looking in at me might think they can see what's happening and automatically know what I should do. Calling the police and going through that process seems like the most logical step at this point, and the only option I realistically have. I know that's not true. I understand what I'm going through in a way no one else can, and I know nothing will do me any good at this point. I can't do this to them anymore.

  ********

  Two days later…

  Xavier,

  I wish I could adequately describe what you've done for me. No words will ever be able to fully express what you've meant to me, and what you will always mean. You came when I needed you the most, even if I didn't know it then. I didn't know you were everything I was looking for. I thought I had nowhere else to run, and I know now that's not true. You gave me back something I thought I lost a long time ago and offered me something I was convinced I would never have, and didn’t deserve. A life. It's because of that, though, that I have to leave you. You have done everything in your power to protect me, and now it's my chance to protect you. I can't bear the thought of you or Anna getting hurt because of me. Even more, I can't bear either of you ever having to run the way I have. The life you gave back to me is something I can never thank you enough for, and I will cherish every memory. But I’ve already put you and Anna in enough danger. The two of you deserve to be happy and safe.

  I have been running my whole life, but until I found you, I never really knew why. You taught me that sometimes there is something worth running for, and this time, it's you. I won't let him take away your future, and because of all I had with you, I’ve had something that isn't his, and never will be.

  Love,

  A

  Anna,

  Never for a second think I left because I wanted to leave you. Never believe this is because I don't love you, or because I don't want to be in your life. I left because I love you, and I always will, no matter what. Even if we are far apart, know I'll always carry you in my heart, and you will always be with me. You will always be special to me, and I treasure each and every day I got to spend with you. Take care of your Daddy. Don't let him stop smiling. I love both of you very much.

  Love,

  A

  I close the book I've been reading with Anna, leaving the letter to her tucked in between the last few pages. The letter to Xavier sits on the nightstand beside his bed, the key to his apartment sitting on top of it. I don't want to have that with me when I walk out of the building. We got back to the apartment yesterday, but I already knew then I would be leaving. I wanted one more day with them before disappearing from their lives. Hopefully, those memories will be enough to carry with me wherever I end up. For now, it will be a hotel just beyond the edge of the city. I called to make the reservation and intend to pay for it with cash to prevent him from following my movements. From there, I'll figure out what my next step is. Someday, maybe I'll be able to reach out to Xavier and Anna again, if only to tell them I miss them, and that I'm alright. All I can think about now, though, is getting away from them so Trevor won't ever become a part of their lives. He's after me, not them. If I walk away now, they’ll stay safe.

  My bags are already in my car, and I've emptied my apartment of the cash I've squirreled away over the last few months instead of putting it in the bank. I did it for this exact purpose, ensuring I could have access to it when I needed it without being tracked. As I slip behind the wheel and direct my car onto the dark street, I get the sense I'm not just leaving the apartment, or even Xavier and Anna. I'm leaving my life behind. With any luck, I'll fade completely and find a new way to exist.

  ********

  Three days later…

  I came back into the city tonight for one last visit before leaving to go to Lilith's sister's house three states over.
She said I can stay with her for as long as I need to, and although I don't relish the idea of living with someone I have never met, and who has only known me in the context of her sister’s desperate plea for help, it's a step. I should have just left. I should have just checked out of the hotel and started on the long road trip without looking back. But I couldn't do it.

  As I walk away from the restaurant, I feel him behind me. I knew he was there before even hearing him. Nothing in my life has ever created the same heaviness in the air that Trevor does. He hasn't said a word, but I don't need him to. I know what he's thinking. He's come for me this time. He's done with his games. Now he's here to take me back. I want to run back into the restaurant, but it wouldn't do any good. Joe locked the door behind me, and I know he's already gone. There’s no one there to help me.

  No matter how fast I try to move, I can't get far enough down the sidewalk. Finally, I force my feet to lift off from the ground and start to run. Raindrops sting my face, and when I gasp for breath, I feel the liquid hit my throat. I run as hard as I can, hoping that someone will see what is happening to me and care. A few people have glanced my way, but none of have stopped what they're doing to check in on me. They're looking right through me. Letting this happen. I think I know where I am, and fling myself around the corner. As soon as I look up, though, I realize I miscalculated my location. Rather than an open alley in front of me, there's a tall chain-link fence topped with razor wire new enough to glisten in the moonlight. I know there's nowhere left for me to go, but I can't stop. I won't give myself over to him this easily. Before I left Xavier's apartment, I convinced myself that this was inevitable. I thought my future was tainted because it would always end with Trevor taking control of me again. Now that he's close enough to me that I can hear his feet hitting the ground, I know this isn't true. I'm no longer willing to accept that the horrors of my past predict my future.