Secret Squirrel

by Secret Squirrel

  We used to opt for the activities that would not cause injuries as we lost many students who had to return home. One student came up with a very good idea for the winter evenings, in the bar of course. And so began the World’s Greatest Joke Telling Competition. We deliberated for some time on the rules that would apply. Do we judge the joke only or the presenter? Or a combination of both? We ended up with a judging panel and rules applying to the audience. Yours truly had the privilege of hosting the World’s Greatest Joke Telling Competition. The competition, as expected, produced lots of heckling, shouting out, interruptions, laughter and general piss-taking and as such demanded firm control, which it received. I append below the major contenders, minus the pathetic and heard-it-before efforts and I will dispense with the much-repeated line – “and the next one please”.

  What’s the connection between a used Durex and an Irish submarine?

  They are both full of thick sea-men.

  This Geordie was on holiday when he met a Frenchman, who began to get on his nerves, by continually bragging about Frenchmen being the best lovers. He incensed the Geordie further when he said that when he makes love to his wife, she levitates and begins to float above the bed. “That’s now’t,” says Geordie. “After I have made love to my wife and I wipe my dick on the curtains, she hits the fucking ceiling.”

  Now a story about Rabbie Burns, which was alleged to be a true story. Rabbie Burns was asked by a friend of his to spy on his wife, who he thought was having an affair. Rabbie follows his friend’s wife, and sure enough she meets up with a gentleman. After a few drinks in a local ale house, the pair headed off to an hotel. They obtained a room at the front of the hotel on the first floor. Rabbie was wondering what to do next when he saw this horse and cart coming along the road carrying a load of straw. He quickly stopped the farmer and his load and bribed him to allow Rabbie to conceal himself on top of the straw and then to halt under the window of the hotel so that he could have a look and listen to see what was going on. Rabbie duly reported his findings to his friend.

  The outcome was an acrimonious court case and Rabbie was called to give evidence. The judge asked him to reveal what he heard and saw, which he did in verse, like this: “Their kilts were up and their arses were bare; if that wasnae fucking, I wasnae there.”

  A prostitute, who worked around the Naval bases in the south of the country, unfortunately had no legs, but this handicap did not deter her. One evening she was exiting a pub with a shy customer pushing her in her wheelchair and waiting to fulfil her business. She directed the by now very nervous customer into a nearby graveyard. She could see that the customer was unable to figure out what to do next, so she directed him by informing him that her customers normally hung her on the cemetery railings and then had their way. After the customer was finished, he lifted her off the railings, dusted her down and placed her back in the wheelchair. “Well thank you very much, you chaps from Pompeii are always real gentlemen,” she said. “How did you know I was from Pompeii?” he asked. “Well the bastards from Chatham always leave me hanging on the railings,” came the reply.

  A well-known local Pakistani shopkeeper used to like a tipple. One morning he was late in setting off for the cash and carry and he prided himself in always opening his shop on time. His excessive driving speed was soon spotted by a traffic cop, who gave immediate pursuit. He had considerable trouble in catching the shopkeeper. When he did eventually stop, the arrogant cop strutted over to his car and said, “Good morning, Wing Commander. Having trouble in lifting off this morning are we?” This remark was absolutely wasted on our eastern cousin, so the cop went straight in for the kill. “I do believe that may be alcohol I smell on your breath, I would like you to breathe into this bag for me,” he said. “Oh, no, no, cannot be doing that,” came the reply, “Me got very, very bad chest and cannot blow.” “Very well then, sir, I am afraid that you will have to accompany me to the police station where you will have to give a sample of blood.” the police officer replied. Very quickly came the response: “Oh, no, no, cannot be doing that, it would be against my religion.” “Very well then, sir, you will be required to give a sample of urine,” said the now angry cop. “Oh, no, no, cannot be doing that, tis against racial discrimination – you cannot be taking the piss out of Pakistanis.”

  A really arrogant American was strutting around a farmer’s field. The farmer approached him and asked him if he could help. The American explained that he also had a farm in Texas. He then went on to brag about how everything in America was much bigger than in this quaint little country. “Tell me how much land do you own?” asked the American. The English farmer pointed out the expanse of his land. “Well that’s nothing,” said the American, “If I was to drive around my land in my car, it would take me all day.” “Yes,” said the English farmer, “I once had a car like that.”

  In France they have a habit of sending their undesirables into the desert with the Foreign Legion. A sex maniac was sent there and he very quickly became agitated because there were no women at all and he had not yet turned gay. “Don’t worry,” said a fellow sex pest, “It will soon be the last Friday in the month.” “What happens on the last Friday of the month then?” the dishevelled individual asked. “Oh, you will see,” came the reply. As time went on, the new arrival became increasingly frustrated. After much pestering, the informant was forced to explain that in the desert the only sex obtainable was by way of a camel, the lady of the desert, and only then on the last Friday of every month. “Ah, even I could not do that,” came the response. “Oh, but you will – by then,” came the reply. Soon it was the last Friday of the month and all of the Legionnaires could hardly contain themselves. All of a sudden, a gun was fired and this marked the start of a frenzied sprint over the sand towards a large gathering of camels in the far distance. After about a mile of sprinting in the heat, the new pervert grabbed his newly acquired friend and asked why about thirty demented sex maniacs were sprinting totally out of control towards what seemed like hundreds of camels: “Well you don’t want to get an ugly one do you?”

  This chap purchases his first property. It is a large, old house in need of much restoration. After many weeks of work, he decides to ask his best friend for some help. They start work on a large living room and begin scraping off about sixteen layers of wallpaper and paint. In between the layers are sheets of newspaper dating back many years, which makes very interesting reading. As they continue they find more and more layers of newspaper. The wall is now becoming thinner and begins flexing. Eventually the wall gives way revealing the cavity behind. They decide to cut away the rotted part of the wall with the intention of repairing it with plasterboard. As the hole becomes larger, they are startled when they discover a skeleton in the standing position. They cut away even more wall to expose the full extent of their finding. They are further shocked to find that the skeleton has a large chain and medallion around its neck. On examination of the medallion they find an inscription on the reverse side which reads: “Irish Hide and Seek Champion 1929”.

  A businessman was looking for a new administrative assistant. This absolutely fabulously beautiful girl turned up for interview and he was totally mesmerised by her. He appeared to be on auto-pilot when asking her questions and the responses were not sinking in. He was particularly taken with her fabulous figure and her breasts appeared to be fighting to get out of her blouse. His mind and imagination were running wild. Every time he asked her another of his listed questions, he began by addressing her by the name: ‘Miss Fanny’. She kept correcting him that her name was Miss Franny, but still he kept on calling her Miss Fanny. It got to the point where it was becoming really embarrassing. He was so nervous and was not taking any information in. When he has finally asked all of his listed questions, he cannot wait to offer her the job: “Well, Miss Fanny I think that you have every quality that I am looking for and I would like to formally offer you the position. Do you accept and when can you start?” She ponders for a while and then
says, “Yes I accept the job and I can start a week on Monday. There’s just one thing, you keep on calling me Miss Fanny, when my name is Franny. Just remember, there’s an R in it.” “How embarrassing, of course there is” he replies. “Well then, we look forward to seeing you a week on Monday,” and she leaves his office displaying a rear which is just as good as her front.

  He is still floating in space and cannot wait for her to begin working with him. She is on his mind all of the time and he is fantasising about what he would like to do with her. But I must remember that her name has got an R in it, he keeps repeating to himself. There’s an R in it, an R in it.

  Her first day at work arrives and he is extremely nervous and he introduces her to the rest of the staff, giving a really well rehearsed speech. He concludes by saying, “So make her very welcome everyone...and, by the way, her name is Miss Crunt.”

  A man was told by his neurologist that he required a brain transplant. He was further informed that three suitable brains were available at the moment for transplant. There was, however, a fee attached to each one. “That’s no problem,” he said, “How much are they?” “Well, there is the brain of a deceased Russian scientist at £40,000, a German nuclear physicist at £60,000 and an Irish labourer at £250,000.” The patient replied that, although his brain was failing, he questioned why the Irish brain would be so much more expensive. The reply came, “Well, it’s hardly been used.”

  Some African law students had attended Oxford for four years in order to study our legal system with a view to setting up a similar arrangement in their country. About a year after they had returned home, an invite to attend their country to examine their newly formed legal system arrived on the Dean’s desk. A delegation was hurriedly arranged and off to Africa they went. The court room was just like being in England; it was all wood panelled and everyone in court was attired in the same court dress as at home. The judge kept banging his gavel and the cases kept flying in and out. The only thing that was different was the fact that every so often, a side door opened and this person in court regalia and with a great scarf wrapped round and round his face kept entering the court and went around and fondled the breasts of every lady present in the court. After the proceedings were over, the Oxford delegation were asked what they thought of their proceedings. “Well,” came the reply, “Everything was fine, but we are a bit confused as to what that individual wearing a large scarf was doing going around the court and fondling all of the women.” “Ah, we got that procedure from the Times newspaper. If you look here,” they said pointing to a particular column of the newspaper, “It says here.” – ‘and every so often a muffled titter went around the court room’.

  A lady went to the doctor’s in a rather distressed state: “What seems to be the trouble?” the doctor asked. “Well,” the lady said, “It’s taken lots of courage for me to come here today. I’m at my wits end. It’s so embarrassing and so unusual, you see I’m so full of wind these days, I’m frightened to go out and meet people.” “Well that’s not unusual for a lady of your age,” the doctor said. The lady quickly interrupted and explained further, “You see it’s the noise, there’s no smell, but it sounds like a motor bike.” “Well, can you give me a demonstration?” he said, “Come behind this privacy screen and let rip.” She duly obliges. It’s a really rasping fart followed by what sounds like ‘Honda’. “Well, that is slightly unusual, I have to say,” said the shocked doctor, “I wonder if you could bend over the bench and lift up your underclothes, so that I can examine you?” The doctor fits a magnifying glass onto his forehead and has a pair of forceps at the ready. The lady cannot hold on any longer and she lets rip, followed by ‘Honda’. “Ah, yes I see what the trouble is…” says the doctor who appears to have had a blow-dry. “You have an abscess.” he exclaimed. “I don’t understand?” the lady said. The doctor replies: “Well, have you never heard the saying, abscess makes the fart go Honda?”

  These three Italian nuns found some bottles of wine in a cupboard. One of them had a sip and said how delicious it tasted, so the other two joined in. Pretty soon they polished off all of the wine and were quite ‘tiddly’. This also loosened their tongues. One of them turned to Sister Michael and asked if she had her life to live over, would she still want to be a nun. Sister Michael was all giggly and said that if she could come back she really wouldn’t mind coming back as Sophia Loren because she was so beautiful, was very wealthy with lots of jewels and was adored by all men. Then Sister Magdalen was asked who she would like to return as: “Oh, I would quite fancy coming back as Gina Lollobrigida, because she was extremely beautiful and had about eight husbands.” This brought about riotous laughter. The remaining Sister Mary, who was the drunkest of all, was finally asked for her thoughts. “Well,” she slurred, “I would like to come back as Sarah Pip-el-in-i.” The other two looked at one another and stated they had never heard of her. Sister Mary searched into her habit and pulled out a newspaper cutting and showed the other two some headlines which read: SAHARA PIPELINE LAID BY 3,000 MEN IN SIX MONTHS.

  A well-known alcoholic was making his daily journey to his local pub. His journey passed by a local asylum perimeter wall. This particular morning, his watch had stopped and when he looked up at the asylum wall, he was shocked to see one of the inmates sat on the top of the wall swinging his legs. He shouted up to the inmate: “Got the right time mate?” To his surprise, the man unzipped his trousers and flopped his penis onto his hand, looked at it for a moment and then shouted down “Half past eleven.” The man made no comment and hurried on to the pub. When he reached the pub, he was relaying his story to everyone, but nobody took much notice of him which caused him to drink even more than usual. When he was eventually thrown out of the pub, he made his way home passing the same route and there was this inmate still sat on the top of the wall, still swinging his legs. The drunk shouted up to him, “Got the right time mate?” The inmate did the same as before, unzipped his fly, flopped his penis onto his hand and shouted down, “Half past eleven!” The drunk replied, “Ha, got you there, it was half past eleven hours ago.” The inmate looked down on his penis, wrapped his fingers around it and began shaking it violently in wanking mode and replied, “Oh hell, it’s stopped again “.

  There was this American pro-footballer called Bogliani who stood about six feet eight inches tall and weighed in at about twenty-eight stones. He was in his last season as he was riddled with injuries and he was just seeing the season out as third substitute – a bench warmer. Soon came the last game of the season and his local team were playing a side of ‘All American Stars’. Bogliani was really keen to see this last game, but not from the dugout, so he tried to persuade his wife, who was about the same stature as himself, to dress up in his football gear and helmet. She just happened to be a wrestler who went by the name of Big Battling Bertha Bogliani. With much persuasion and bribery, she finally agreed. Her doubts about getting away with the scam were always answered convincingly by her husband who said it had never been known for the third substitute to be called onto the field. So, the big day finally arrived and a very apprehensive Big Battling Bertha Bogliani got kitted out and slid into the dugout and her husband had a good seat in the stand and was ready with his popcorn and hot dogs to enjoy the game. The game was only about five minutes old when one of the local players was really badly injured by one of the American All Stars team. The trainer blew his whistle and on came the stretcher bearers and the unfortunate player was stretchered off. The visiting team were soon proving themselves to be a very dirty side indeed and it was not long until one of the local team was tripped and trampled on and he was also a stretcher case. Again, the trainer has to whistle for the stretcher bearers to remove another member of his team. The crowd are booing wildly and by now big Battling Bertha Bogliani is becoming very anxious. She gazes towards her husband who is really enjoying himself munching away and he gives her a calming gesture which implies don’t worry, third subs never get a game. Then the inevitable happens and
another local player is mercilessly tackled and he also necessitates a stretcher. The crowd are really going wild and the trainer is frantically blowing his whistle and screaming: “Bogliani, get your arse on this field now!” Bogliani gazes up at her husband not knowing what to do and he has his head buried into his popcorn bucket and he waves his hand indicating to his wife to get on the field. Now, the home side have the ball and it is passed to Bogliani and she does not have a clue what to do with it and is frozen to the spot. Soon two packs of opposing players rush towards Bogliani and sandwich her and trample her into the ground. Bogliani is out cold and is eventually stretchered off. She is unceremoniously dumped onto a table and her tracksuit top unzipped. She awakes to find a physio rubbing her enormous tits and he exclaims: “Don’t worry Bogliani, as soon as we get your balls back, your pecker will pop out.

  A young lad is on a promise. It’s his first time, so he is rather anxious and really impatient. His girlfriend is stressing him out by operating every delaying tactic known. Every time they are ready to leave a pub to do the act, she asks for just one more drink. By now he really cannot wait. They are hurrying towards her flat, when she stops and announces that she desperately needs a pee. So, she squats down in a shop doorway. The young lad cannot contain himself any longer, so he thrusts his hand up her skirt. He feels this lump and asks if she has changed sex or something. No, she replies, “I’ve changed my mind, I’m having a shit”