Passion Restored

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  She pressed her fingers over her eyes, willing herself to snap out of it and not go numb. She needed to take this test, find out it was negative, and eat some crackers to settle her stomach. They’d been safe each and every time they’d had sex. There hadn’t been a single accident, tear in the condom, or time where he’d accidentally entered her before pulling out. Even when he’d sent her into a sex-induced coma, they’d been safe.

  And yet she knew condoms weren’t a hundred percent effective.

  Her body shook. Tessa and others were lucky that they could also have other birth control to protect themselves, but Liz could only use condoms. It wasn’t inevitable that she’d have this…occurrence, but the math didn’t lie.

  “You have two kinds here,” Owen said as he sank back onto the floor next to her holding two boxes. “One has the lines on it, the other a clear readout. Which one do you want first?”

  “First?” She clearly wasn’t running on all cylinders at the moment.

  “I assumed you’d want to take it twice to be sure.” He was being so careful with her, as if afraid she’d snap at any moment. And she knew he wasn’t wrong in that assessment.

  She let out a breath. “The clear readout first, then. I could use easy wording.”

  “Gotcha.” He opened the box and handed over a foil-covered stick. “The instructions are right on the box. I read them already just in case, but it should only take three minutes after you pee on the applicator for the words to show up. I won’t stand in here and watch you take it, but I’ll get you a glass of water or something if you need it.” He sighed and cupped her face. She didn’t lean into his touch like she had been doing recently, and they both noticed but didn’t say anything. “I’ll be right outside that door. You call me when you need me inside.” He shook his head. “Or rather, when it’s time to read the test.”

  Because she wouldn’t admit that she needed him.

  Damn it, he knew her so well, and it killed her that she was hurting him, and yet, if that test ended up positive, she knew she’d hurt him even more. That’s how things like this worked. It might not be logical to others, but it made sense to her in some twisted way.

  “I could use water for the second test,” she said after a moment.

  “Okay, then.” He kissed her softly, and she pulled back.

  “I just threw up.”

  “I can handle a little vomit,” he said with a wink, though the humor didn’t reach his eyes.

  “But this is probably just a stomach bug that you caught.” They both knew it might not be a stomach bug.

  “Then I get sick, and you get to play doctor with me again. Be right back.” He stood up and left her alone in the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

  Knowing she could only stare at the foil-covered stick for so long without making herself go crazy, she stood up and unwrapped the thing, reading the instructions on the pamphlet inside the box, as well.

  Two minutes later, she had the test on the counter, and Owen had come back in to watch the words appear with her.

  Three minutes after that, her world shattered.

  “We’re pregnant,” Owen said in shocked awe. “Holy…okay, then.”

  She blinked, everything around her moving in slow motion though her heart raced, pounding so hard she was afraid it would leap right out of her chest. Some small part of her had actually hoped that it would be negative and that everything had just been a sad coincidence. That’s how it needed to be.

  Because she could not be pregnant.

  She could not be a mother.

  He turned her in his arms, cupping her face once again. “You’re not saying anything. I know you’re shocked, and hell, so am I. Hence why I’m rambling on like this. But, yeah, we’re pregnant, Liz. Pregnant.”

  “Stop saying that,” she rasped.

  He blinked. “What?”

  “Stop saying that word,” she bit out. “I can’t think right now, Owen. I can barely breathe, and you keep saying that word over and over again as if trying to make it real.” She was honestly losing it right now, and she couldn’t help herself as she fell down the rabbit hole.

  Owen leaned back, his hands falling as she pulled away. “It is real, Liz. Do you need to sit down? Are you feeling ill again?”

  She fisted her hands at her sides. “All my life, I’ve done everything I could to gain the control I lost as a child. Everything. Now, I might lose my job, I’m in a relationship I wanted to stay away from, and now…and now I’m…” She laughed, but it was a hollow sound that made her tear up. “I can’t even say the word, Owen. I need some space, okay? I can’t think with you around. Everything gets jumbled.”

  Owen stood straight, his face a mask. “I see.”

  But he didn’t see. He couldn’t. Not when she couldn’t see herself.

  “I just need some space to think.”

  “Well, when you’re in that space, I want you to think about this. The relationship you didn’t want to be in? Well, we’re in it, Liz. You and I were moving toward something I thought we both wanted, and hell, now we’re smack in the middle of it. You haven’t pushed me away in weeks, not the way you did when you were scared at the start of it, so you don’t get to use that excuse. You’re scared now, and I get that. Fuck, I’m scared, too, but I’m not going anywhere in the grand scheme of things. I’ll leave now so you can breathe, but I’m going to be close, because, Liz? I love you. I love you so fucking much it hurts, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And, yeah, by the way you’re paling even more right now—though I didn’t think that was possible since you’ve been sick—I get that you don’t want to hear that. But, yeah, I love you. I was waiting to say it when you were ready. And maybe now isn’t the best time, standing in a bathroom after you were just throwing up, feeling as if our worlds have shifted. But I love you.”

  “You can’t,” she whispered. “I’m no good for you, Owen. I…” He pressed his finger to her lips.

  “Don’t tell me what I feel. I get that you’re scared, and with what you grew up with? Yeah, I get it. So I’m going to let you have your space today because I don’t want to push you more than you already feel pushed. But I want you to promise me something.” He let out a shaky breath. “Don’t…don’t do anything about this until we talk okay?” His voice broke at the end, and she blinked back tears.

  Her heart thudded, pain radiating through her at the thought of ending the life growing inside her. “Oh, Owen. I would never…I would never take out your rights or choices.” She pressed her lips together. “I just can’t think with you around, but my needing space has nothing to do with wanting you away so I can do something we would both regret.”

  He visibly shuddered before moving forward and kissing her forehead. “Thank you,” he whispered. “I love you, Liz. And I’m going to keep saying it until you believe me. Now I’m going to go so you can breathe, but I’m coming back. I’ll always come back.”

  As she watched him walk away, she finally let the tears fall. She had no idea what she was doing other than she knew she needed time to think, time to breathe.

  She honestly had no idea what she wanted or what she was going to do, and yet she was so afraid that, one day, she’d push him away hard enough that he wouldn’t come back.

  And then…well, then she wasn’t sure what the answer was.

  Because she was pregnant, and there was no denying that. Now she just needed to figure out what that meant because she couldn’t become her mother. She couldn’t hate the life growing inside her.

  She wouldn’t.

  No matter what.

  And that meant she needed to figure out how to become the woman she wanted to be, rather than the one she was painfully aware she might become.

  ****

  Owen had thought the day he found out he would be a father would be a day of celebration. He loved his niece and nephew, as well as the Montgomery kids that always seemed to be around and called him their honorary uncle. He’d known that he wanted to b
e a father one day, a husband, a family man, and as he’d spent more and more time with Liz, he’d known the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with was her.

  Only she didn’t want to spend hers with him.

  Or, at least, that’s what she was saying right then.

  “Want to tell us why you look like you want to punch something and at the same time throw up?” Murphy asked as he sank down onto the couch next to him.

  Owen turned at his brother’s voice and noticed how pale he looked. “You doing okay?”

  Murphy shrugged. “Just long hours on that project, but I should be done soon. And stop worrying about me, Mother Hen. I thought Graham was the one who worried about all of us.”

  “I am,” Graham said as he entered the living room. “But Jake and Owen are allowed to pitch in when I’m not around. It’s how big brothers work. And you do look a little pale, little brother. Eat something.” He handed over a tray of stuffed mushrooms, and Murphy rolled his eyes before grabbing a couple.

  Owen had called Graham right as he’d left Liz’s to say that he needed to talk but hadn’t mentioned what about. He had spent the day alone in his house, working on lists and plans for work rather than dealing with his life that felt like it was spiraling out of control. Graham had insisted that Owen come over for dinner, and the rest of the Gallagher crew had shown up—minus Rowan, who was at a friend’s house—to make sure he was okay. Noah was asleep in the portable crib they’d set up in the guest room, and the rest of them were now in the living room, ready for Owen to speak.

  “Tell us what’s up,” Maya said as she perched on Border’s lap. “Did you and Liz have a fight?”

  Owen set his glass of water down on the table, his mind already too fuzzy for him to even think of drinking.

  “Liz is pregnant.”

  Everyone was silent for a moment before they all started talking at once. Blake and Maya rushed over to hug him as the guys pounded him on the back, saying congratulations and wondering where Liz was.

  He pulled away, resting his head in his hands as people went back to their seats. “Liz…Liz said she needed some space to think about things.”

  Murphy turned and put his hand on Owen’s shoulder. “What kinds of things?”

  Owen let out a shaky breath, knowing he was close to breaking down in front of his family. They wouldn’t taunt him for it, but he needed to tell them what he could before he broke down. He also couldn’t betray Liz’s confidence and tell them about her past in full.

  “Liz grew up…” He shook his head. “I can’t tell you everything because it’s not my story to tell, but let’s just say her life wasn’t easy growing up.”

  “And now she’s about to have a child in a relationship where she probably spent most of it second-guessing herself,” Border put in.

  Owen lifted his head, surprised at the clarity with which Border spoke.

  “Don’t be so shocked,” Border said softly. “I don’t like to speak unless it’s important, though you Gallaghers and Montgomerys are slowly working on that. But you guys know I grew up with a shitty parent who made me think that I didn’t deserve what I had. And when Maya found out she was pregnant?” He shook his head. “Scared the shit out of me. I didn’t think I was good enough for her and Jake, and I almost ruined what we had because of it.”

  “And we understood,” Jake put in. “But we didn’t back down.”

  “We’re stubborn like that,” Maya added. “And you’re pretty stubborn yourself, Owen. Give her time to think because surprise pregnancies are scary as hell, but don’t leave her alone completely. She needs to know you’re there.” She paused. “You will be there, right?”

  Owen nodded. “I love her, damn it. Of course, I want to be there. I’m going to be here.”

  Blake spoke next, her voice softer than usual. “Give her the space she needs like Maya said, but don’t back away. We don’t know her past, but I did my best to push away Graham because I was scared, and I have a feeling Liz might be in the same boat.”

  “I pushed you away, too,” Graham added, his voice gruff. “And I regret that.”

  Blake looked over at her husband and smiled. “It’s okay. We both made mistakes, but we’re here now. Together.” She looked back at Owen. “It’s hard work to make any relationship work, and when someone has extra heavy baggage, it just makes it that much harder. But I know you, Owen. You’re not going to back down.”

  “I won’t. I just hate that I can’t seem to get through to her.”

  “You seemed to be getting through just fine before this,” Murphy said after a moment. “You’re persistent like any decent Gallagher.” They all let out a soft laugh. “But, Owen? Think about this. You’re here, talking with us, knowing you have a kick-ass support system. Liz? She has Tessa. That’s it. And while Tessa is strong as hell and can help Liz, she’s going to need more than just her best friend. We all do.”

  Owen narrowed his eyes at his baby brother. “You’re a lot more insightful than we give you credit for.”

  His eyes darkened for a moment before he blinked the look away, a lazy smile crossing his lips. “Well, women like me. What can I say?”

  “So you keep telling yourself,” Maya added dryly. “Okay, Owen. Just know we’re here for you. And Liz, too. Because we like her, you know. She’s good for you, even if she is totally not who I thought you’d end up with.”

  Jake laughed. “Yeah, I thought he’d end up with a sweet, quiet woman who would probably get scared off by the lot of us.”

  “There’s always hope for Murphy that he’ll find a quiet woman since the rest of us didn’t seem to manage that.”

  Both Blake and Maya flipped him off.

  Owen smiled and leaned back into the couch, finally starting to relax since the moment he’d seen Liz on the floor in pain. She’d pushed him away and looked so fucking scared about being pregnant, but hell, he was scared, too. And while she might think she didn’t need him, didn’t want a relationship, her actions for the past weeks had gone against that.

  He’d give her time, then he’d figure out a way to show her that they could work. That she wouldn’t turn into her mother. Because, damn it, she wasn’t anything like the shrew she’d described. She was caring, sweet when she wanted to be, and put everyone else before herself. Hence why she’d tried to break things off before—to protect him, not her.

  He loved her, and he wasn’t going to give up on her.

  And…

  “I’m going to be a father,” he whispered. “A father.”

  Murphy patted his knee. “Just now getting to you, huh?”

  Owen blinked, his heart racing. “I need to make lists. Get ready. I don’t know how to be a dad.”

  His family cracked up, and he laughed with them, his mind going in a thousand different directions. He told himself everything would be okay. Because it had to be. It has to be.

  12

  “You’re a damn mess,” Tessa proclaimed as she walked into Liz’s room. “A fucking mess, who needs to get her head on straight.”

  Liz glared at Tessa’s reflection in the mirror. “Nice words coming from you.” She winced at how hard she sounded. She shouldn’t be attacking Tessa at all. “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I know you don’t mean it. I’m the easiest person to lash out at when you’re scared, and I have thick skin. Plus, I do the same to you. That’s why we’re friends.”

  “I need to get ready for work, Tessa. I took yesterday off to throw up for hours, but now I can’t take any more time off. They’re announcing the budget and the ramifications today, and I can’t be late, nor can I just not show up because I’m freaking out.”

  Tessa ran her hand down her pencil skirt and shook her head. “You shouldn’t have anything to worry about since you’re the best nurse they have.”

  “Well, I’m also the one who hasn’t sucked up enough. Everyone else seems to have someone they can kiss up to. I don’t have anyone like that.”

  “Because you
focus on your patients and the work that goes with the job.”

  Liz’s body felt like she’d run a marathon, her muscles ached, and not just because of the pregnancy. She’d been working far harder than usual with everything going on, and her body was starting to feel it more and more.

  “It’s exhausting, Tessa,” she said softly. “I’m just so sick of it all.”

  Tessa met Liz’s eyes in the mirror again. “Then what are you going to do about it?”

  Liz studied her friend’s face again before shaking her head. “I don’t know. Keep working, I guess. It’s what I’m good at.”

  Tessa pressed her lips together, folding her arms over her crisp blouse. “And Owen? What are you going to do about him? Because, frankly, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you, and I hate that you keep running away from him. You guys are going to have a freaking baby, and he’s not here because he’s doing as you asked and giving you space. I give him props for staying away as long as he has so far. Because, hell, those Gallaghers don’t like to be pushed around.”

  Just the sound of Owen’s name made Liz’s pulse race, but she wasn’t sure if it was because she still wanted him by her side or that she was ashamed of how she’d acted. She hated that she’d said the things she did and had put that fear into his eyes about the baby. She just wasn’t good at dealing with things and ended up harming more than she wanted to.

  Just like her mother.

  “I don’t know what I’m doing there either,” she admitted. “But I can’t do everything at once, damn it. Let me get through today and whatever the job entails before I figure out the rest.”

  “First, doing things in order like that never works out for you. It’s all layered and connected and gets in the way of things. Second, you can’t keep blaming yourself for what your mother did. You are not your mother, and you know this. You know this. So stop getting on that one-way track where you end up circling back to thinking that everything you do means you’re going to break like she did.”