Indecision

by Caragh Bell

  ‘Hey!’ said Harry. ‘It would obviously be me!’

  ‘No, me, stupid!’ Andrew pushed him.

  ‘Stop!’

  ‘No, you stop!’

  ‘Boys!’ Charles bellowed. ‘Stop fighting!’

  Lydia’s eyes met Dominic’s and she giggled.

  Christine took a sip of wine and turned to Dominic. ‘How’s work? It must be wonderful in Dublin.’

  His face brightened. ‘It’s so amazing, Mum – I love it. O’Leary is a genius ...’

  Lydia zoned out and focused on the abstract painting on the wall. Every time Dublin was mentioned it was a knife in her heart. If only she was finished and could be there with him.

  ‘Do you get out often? Do you have friends?’ Christine put her head to one side.

  Dominic shook his head. ‘There’s a crew from work that always go out, but I prefer to stay at home.’

  ‘Oh no, darling, you mustn’t be a hermit! Get out and socialise. I’m sure Lydia isn’t behaving like a nun down here, are you, dear?’

  Lydia narrowed her eyes. ‘I see my friends.’

  ‘Well then, that’s settled.’ Christine clapped her hands together. ‘You must meet new friends, Dominic. No man is an island.’

  Lydia’s fist clenched under the table.

  ‘Look, Mum, I’m too busy for a social life.’ Dominic winked at Lydia. ‘Anyway, any free time I have I want to spend with my beautiful girlfriend.’

  ‘Here, here!’ said Charles.

  Christine opened her mouth but shut it again.

  Lydia mentally high-fived Charles. Then she noticed Dominic’s face. She pulled herself together.

  Just continue as normal, Lyd. Do it for Dom.

  ‘Christine? Could you pass me the carrots, please?’ she asked.

  The hostess nodded and passed a blue Wedgwood bowl filled with honey-glazed vegetables. ‘The vegetables are from our garden,’ she said lamely.

  ‘Wow, that’s great.’ Lydia beamed.

  Dominic smiled at her gratefully.

  Both women knew that he got upset when they sniped at each other, so a temporary truce was called.

  Later that night, Lydia lay curled up in Dominic’s arms. They had arrived back to her flat late and had gone straight to bed.

  ‘Can you stay until Sunday?’

  He nodded sleepily. ‘I’ll have to leave early, but yeah.’

  Lydia smiled. ‘Can we go to the cinema tomorrow? Or for a walk along the river?’

  ‘Anything you want.’

  She kissed him softly. ‘I love you, Doctor Maguire.’

  ‘Love you too.’

  His eyes closed almost immediately. Lydia pressed her body against his but got no response. He was out cold.

  She writhed in frustration. Why did he have to go to sleep? It wasn’t like sleeping together was a common occurrence.

  ‘Dom?’ she whispered.

  No reply.

  Damn it, she thought. Her mind started to wander. She thought of Samantha and Craig and how cute they were when he called over during the week. The ‘can’t keep their hands off each other’ phase. She sighed wistfully. She missed that. Relationships could be so hard sometimes. She tried to remember that pit-of-the-stomach excitement that she used to feel when Dominic would ring or text her in the early days of their romance. She had lived for those moments. Then, as they became surer of one another, their relationship moved on to another phase: the comfortable one. It lacked the excitement of the early days but had something equally special in return: companionship. She liked the comfort of him, the fact that she could have hairy legs around him. The way she could lounge around in her fleecy pyjamas in front of the TV with him. He didn’t object when she sent him to the shop for Tampax. He held her hand when she had a vomiting bug. That time she had sciatica, he had even lifted her to the toilet when she needed to go. Not glamorous or passionate but real. A lasting bond.

  But then there was Luca. He was such a lost soul. She really couldn’t figure out how she felt about him. His constant flattery made her smile but really it was nonsense. He was no more serious than the man in the moon. It was in his genetic make-up to flirt. She enjoyed being with him. Once you got beyond the player persona, he was actually quite sweet. Okay, she sometimes imagined him naked but what girl wouldn’t? He was so gorgeous. It didn’t mean anything.

  Dislodging Dominic’s arm from around her waist, she rolled over and activated her iPhone.

  Might as well play some Sudoku to tire myself out, she thought.

  Chapter 16

  ‘So how was your weekend?’

  Colin shoved his hands in his jacket to keep out the bitter cold. They entered the campus through the chapel gate. The once leafy trees were now stark and bare. The sky was a blue-grey and the temperature was barely over two degrees.

  Lydia shivered. ‘Good and bad. Good was hanging around with my gorgeous boyfriend doing silly stuff. Bad was dinner in his house Friday night.’

  ‘How is that old hag?’

  ‘Same as ever.’

  ‘God, Lyd, you’re a saint to put up with her.’ Colin linked arms with her as they went down the steps towards the student centre.

  ‘She wasn’t too bad. Just the odd dig. And I wasn’t all sweetness and light myself, to be honest. She brings out the worst in me.’ She pushed open the big glass door and held it open for Colin to follow. ‘How’s Val?’

  Colin beamed. ‘So amazingly perfect! Speaking of mothers, I’m meeting his mother for lunch on Wednesday. I’m so nervous, Lyd. He, like, hero-worships her. What will I wear?’ His brown eyes were troubled and Lydia laughed.

  ‘Anything you wear will be fabulous, you know that. Anyway, it’s what’s inside that counts.’

  Colin snorted. ‘So not true. The first thing I judge is wardrobe. Then hair, then body. It’s the rules.’

  ‘You’re shallow.’

  ‘So?’

  They queued up at the coffee dock.

  ‘What can I get you?’ asked the girl behind the counter.

  ‘Two coffees, please.’ Lydia flashed her a smile.

  The coffee machine hissed as she filled the cups. Lydia looked at Colin as he counted out three sachets of sugar.

  ‘Have you heard from Luca lately?’ she asked casually.

  ‘No, nothing. Anyway, I thought you were his bestie?’

  Colin looked at her slyly and she felt herself blush.

  ‘Not at all,’ she protested. ‘We just hang out sometimes.’

  ‘Oh right, I see.’ Colin looked like he didn’t see at all. ‘I presume we’ll see him at college.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  Two coffees were placed on the counter. ‘Three euros, please.’

  Colin handed the girl a fiver. ‘Grab that table by the window, Lyd. I’ll pour the milk.’

  Luca didn’t turn up for any lectures that day.

  Later that evening Lydia lay on her bed. Inevitably her thoughts strayed to her new ‘friend’. She hadn’t seen him in nearly a week. Maybe he had the flu or something. She had his number – maybe she should text him? Would he read too much into it?

  Picking up her phone she punched in a message.

  R U alive?

  Looking at it, she shook her head. That sounded stupid. Especially if he was sick in bed. She deleted the text and bit her lip. What could she say without sounding lame?

  Suddenly her door burst open and Samantha strode in.

  ‘Hey, Lyd, can I borrow your black boots?’

  Lydia dropped her phone. She knew she looked guilty.

  ‘Sure, sure, they’re over there.’

  ‘What are you up to?’ asked her friend, rummaging through a pile of shoes.

  ‘Nothing,’ Lydia lied.

  ‘How was your weekend? I had a cracker. Ended up at that club again – you know, Elixir? Anyway, there was a big crew of us. The tequilas were flowing and by the end of the night we were trollied. We all went to Craig’s for a party. Luca was so funny. He ended up scoring wi
th Angie Tanner, you know her? She’s in Final Arts.’

  Lydia froze. She didn’t know why, but her heart had constricted.

  Samantha held up a boot triumphantly. ‘Finally!’

  Lydia smiled brightly. ‘That sounds hilarious. But I thought Luca was going out with Jessica?’

  ‘Who knows, maybe he is. I don’t know what he’s up to. I have to say though, he’s great fun.’

  Lydia nodded in agreement, despite feeling nauseated.

  ‘Are you two still hanging out together?’

  Lydia shrugged. ‘I haven’t seen him in a while – he kind of blows hot and cold.’

  ‘I told him that you were busy when he asked where you were.’

  ‘He asked?’

  ‘Yeah. I told him that you were holed up with lover boy for the weekend.’

  ‘What did he say?’

  ‘Nothing. He went off to chat Angie up.’

  Lydia got to her feet, feeling really silly.

  You don’t own him, Lyd, said a small voice inside her head. He’s a free agent.

  But she liked having Luca there. He made her laugh and feel good about herself. She liked the way he flirted with her and made her feel beautiful. She knew it was selfish, but he was the perfect distraction during the week when Dominic was away.

  ‘Lydia?’

  Something in Samantha’s tone made Lydia look up.

  ‘What’s going on? Are you okay?’

  ‘Of course I’m okay. Missing Dom though. Go on, go and get ready. Craig will be waiting.’

  ‘Okay. Talk to you later. Thanks for the boots.’

  The door slammed shut.

  Lydia flopped down on her bed, feeling despondent. She knew she should start her research proposal but she was not in the mood. What was it about Luca that got under her skin? Why did she want to see him?

  It was like an itch that she couldn’t scratch.

  Dammit, I’ll text him, she thought, grabbing her discarded phone.

  Hey stranger, how’s tricks?

  She pressed ‘send’ before she had time to think about it. His reply was almost instantaneous.

  Feeling rough. Heavy wknd. U?

  She hesitated and then typed: All cool.Wanna meet up? Like now maybe?

  She pressed ‘send’.

  See U in old bar in 15.

  She hugged herself. It would just be a quick drink before she faced into her study. Pulling a comb through her hair, she sprayed herself with some Trésor.

  Minutes later she was heading up College Road towards the campus. She walked into the Old Bar, unwrapping her scarf as she went. She spotted him over by the window.

  He got to his feet as she approached. ‘Lyd, hi, great to see you.’ He leaned in for a kiss, looking green at the gills.

  Lydia offered him her cheek. His lips were cool and sent a jolt of electricity through her body.

  ‘Drink?’ he asked.

  ‘I’ll have a sparkling water.’

  ‘Wild.’ His eyes crinkled in amusement.

  She watched him as he ordered at the bar, his blond hair gleaming in the lights. Despite his horrendous hangover, all the women in the room were staring at him.

  ‘So, any news?’ he asked when he resumed his seat.

  ‘Not really. You?’ She looked at him innocently. ‘I heard you were out with Sam.’

  His eyes became guarded for a second but then regained their twinkle.

  ‘Yeah, I had a great time. Drank too much as you can see.’

  Lydia changed the subject. She didn’t know why she had brought it up. He was free to do as he pleased.

  ‘I heard Dom came down this weekend – you two have fun?’

  ‘Yeah,’ she said distantly. She didn’t feel like discussing Dominic with Luca. ‘You missed loads of lectures. The Larkin one was so cool.’

  ‘I’ll catch up. I’m pretty tired.’

  She sipped her water. ‘Sam and Craig have gone out tonight. They have a great life.’

  ‘They sure do.’

  He looked bored. Lydia cringed. She sounded so lame. Why did she ask to meet? It’s not like she had any news or scandal to relate. And he had a hangover.

  ‘So, Colin is booking the skiing next week,’ she said eventually.

  ‘Really? You going?’ He stirred his coffee with a plastic spoon.

  ‘Yeah. My birthday is next week so I’ve asked for money from everyone. Plus Christmas is lucrative with all my aunts and uncles.’

  ‘I think Jess and I will go too.’ He met her gaze. ‘Like I said, she’s never skied before.’

  So, he was still with Jessica. What the hell was Angie all about?

  ‘That’s great. I think Col is bringing Val, Sam and Craig and now you and Jess.’

  ‘And Dom?’

  ‘And Dom,’ she said softly.

  His eyes burned into hers. ‘Should be interesting then.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  They fell silent for a while.

  ‘So, my mom wants to visit sometime,’ he said. ‘She wants to see where I’m at.’

  ‘That’ll be nice.’ Lydia smiled brightly. ‘She must miss you.’

  ‘I’ll have to book her into a hotel – she would never survive in our place. It sucks.’ He eyed her lazily. ‘You’ve never seen our place, huh?’

  ‘No,’ she answered nervously. ‘No, I haven’t.’

  ‘My room is just awful. I must show it to you sometime.’ He stared at her openly.

  Lydia’s lips parted and she felt her breath quicken. Luca continued to stare at her, his blue eyes unfaltering. She focused on his mouth and found herself wondering what it would be like to kiss it.

  Tearing her eyes away, she gave herself a mental shaking. What the hell was going on? She had asked him here, she had wanted to meet him ...

  Stop!

  She got to her feet abruptly. He had an amused expression on his face. Colin always chided her for wearing her heart on her sleeve. ‘I can always tell what you’re thinking, Lyd,’ he would say knowingly.

  ‘I have to go.’ She grabbed her coat.

  ‘Will I walk you home?’ He looked at her meaningfully.

  She knew that he knew. He knew what she was thinking. He knew what she wanted.

  Lydia shook her head violently. ‘No, I’m fine. See you soon.’

  ‘Bye then.’

  She couldn’t read his expression.

  She hurried out into the cold night.

  Colin punched his PIN number into the machine at the checkout of Brown Thomas. He and Lydia were shopping for an outfit for Val’s opening night. Colin had spent hours riffling through shirt after shirt on the racks while Lydia lounged up against the wall, bored. Infuriatingly, in the end he bought the first shirt he had tried on.

  ‘Can we go and get something to eat?’ pleaded Lydia. ‘I’m wasting away here.’

  ‘Really? I wanted to get shoes.’ Colin linked arms with her. ‘I mean, I have to look super-hot for this.’

  ‘You have a million pairs of shoes,’ argued Lydia in exasperation. ‘Enough for a small country. Just use a pair of them.’

  Colin looked at her as if she were insane. ‘Last season’s shoes? Have you lost your mind? Everyone would notice.’

  Lydia sighed. It was futile to argue.

  ‘So, are things pretty serious between you two?’ she asked, as they crossed the street.

  ‘Well, he’s moved in. Unofficially, like.’

  ‘Oh?’ Lydia was surprised. ‘That’s a big step.’

  ‘It is. It may be the end of us though.’ Colin put his head in his hands dramatically.

  Lydia stopped short. ‘Why? Oh Colin, what’s the matter?’ She rubbed his arm in concern.

  ‘To be honest, he’s driving me mad. He’s so messy. It’s like he doesn’t even notice that he flings his socks on the floor at night. Does he think that a cleaning fairy comes in each night and tidies up?’

  ‘Fairy? Really?’ Lydia arched her brow.

  ‘Okay, pardon the pun,’ he
agreed. ‘It still doesn’t take away from the fact that he’s driving me crazy.’

  ‘I actually thought it was something serious.’ Lydia shook her head. ‘First world problems, Col.’

  ‘Compromise, Lyd. That’s all I ask for,’ continued Colin, ignoring her. ‘Pick up the bloody socks. It’s not a huge ask. Or wash the cup, dry it and replace it neatly in the press. I repeat, not a huge ask.’

  ‘Where will we eat?’ asked Lydia, changing the subject.

  ‘The Crawford?’ he suggested. ‘I’d love a spinach and mushroom pancake.’

  Lydia’s stomach rumbled. He was referring to the famous restaurant’s signature dish, a savoury pancake filled with mushrooms and spinach, topped with a hollandaise sauce. Situated in The Crawford Art Gallery, the restaurant was a favourite in Cork. It was where her mother would arrange to meet when she came to the city. She and Lydia had had many cups of coffee and memorable slices of cake surrounded by its classical décor.

  ‘That’s the best idea you’ve had in ages,’ she said approvingly. ‘Let’s go straight away.’

  They headed in the direction of the gallery, an imposing red-brick building in the centre of the city. Lydia hoped that they wouldn’t have to wait for a table, as it was usually very busy. Mercifully, the lunch rush was over when they arrived.

  ‘Table for two?’ asked the pretty waitress, holding up a menu.

  ‘Yes, thank you,’ replied Colin. ‘And before you say another word, bring me an enormous glass of Pinot Grigio.’

  Tara Jacob rang her son one Wednesday evening. Luca beamed when he saw the caller ID on his phone.

  ‘Mom! Hey, you!’

  ‘Hi, honey. How are you getting on?’ Her soft Irish accent was tinged with an American twang.

  ‘Awesome. It’s so great here. School is amazing. How are you?’

  ‘Me? I’m great, really well. Sold a painting today so I guess that’s a good thing.’

  ‘That’s great, Mom. I’m happy for you.’

  ‘Have you made any new friends since we last talked?’

  ‘Not really. I’m kind of sticking to the same crew. You’ll get to meet them when you come over. They’re all buddies of Sam, Craig’s girlfriend.’