Indecision

by Caragh Bell

  With a mixture of trepidation and excitement she opened the message.

  Do U miss me?

  She took a frantic sip of coffee and nearly spat it out. It was so hot it had scalded her tongue.

  Ignore him, Lyd. All he wants is to play with you. So much for being friends.

  She put the phone into her pocket but two seconds later she took it out again. The best thing to do was to play it down. Respond in a light-hearted way. Make it all out to be no big deal. Simple.

  Sure I miss U. What are friends for?

  A man in a duffel coat walked up to the coffee stall. She watched him order three croissants and a latte to go. The phone remained silent.

  She drained her coffee and put on her coat.

  Still nothing.

  She threw her cup in the bin.

  Nothing.

  Later that evening, her phone buzzed during Strictly Come Dancing. She jumped to her feet and ran out into the hall. Pressing the button, she was horrified to feel a flash of disappointment when she saw Dominic’s name. Sitting on the bottom step of the stairs, she accessed his message.

  Love U XXXX

  Immediately, she felt guilty. Why was she even thinking about Luca when she had someone like Dom? She locked her phone and put it in her pocket. She was sick of checking it. She was sick of the anticipation.

  Taking a deep breath, she vowed to put all of it out of her mind. She was reacting to flattery, that’s all. What woman wouldn’t? It was a normal reaction. It didn’t mean anything. Certainly not to her and most definitely not to him. He was probably wrapped around some leggy blonde at this very moment.

  With a jolt she realised that she should text Dominic back. He was probably waiting for the reply. Thinking about Luca was no excuse for rudeness. She pulled out the offending phone and started to type.

  Love U 2 XXXX

  Pressing ‘send’ she glanced at the screen and screamed. With all her deliberation, she had sent the message to Luca. Oh, Jesus Christ! Oh, Mary Mother of Jesus! What was she thinking? She had him on the brain. Panicked, she started to type furiously.

  Sorry!!!! Meant for Dom. Cringe.

  Clasping her phone to her chest, she closed her eyes. Molly ran out into the hall.

  ‘Move, Lyd, I need to get upstairs. God, Brucie’s jokes get worse every year.’

  Numbly, she got to her feet.

  ‘You okay?’ Molly’s blue eyes looked concerned. ‘You were all jumpy at dinner.’

  ‘I’m fine, fine altogether.’

  ‘You look weird.’ Her sister narrowed her eyes. ‘What’s up, sista?’

  ‘Nothing, Mol. Back off.’

  The phone buzzed. Lydia smiled brightly. ‘That’s Dom – need to go – see you in a while.’

  Jumping to her feet, she opened the dining-room door. In the solace of the darkened room, she checked her phone.

  Meant for me. U know it.

  Lydia closed her eyes. There was no response to that. Otherwise it would be a ‘Lady doth protest too much’ moment. She would just ignore it and continue on as normal.

  After all, they were all going on holiday together. She turned off her phone. The best thing to do was to forget the whole thing. Things were getting weird again and she felt like she was losing control of the situation. She needed to establish boundaries. Yes, she liked the flirting and the attention but only on her own terms. Was that selfish? Of course it was. Unfortunately, it was reality.

  Grimly, she turned off her phone, once and for all. She had to rein things in. It was entirely inappropriate.

  Luca banged his head with his hand. He went too far. He could feel it. He was only playing with her, well, mostly playing. He put his phone on the table, almost willing it to buzz. Ten minutes passed, then fifteen, still nothing.

  Damn it, he thought. All my good work gone to waste.

  Craig arrived into the kitchen with a loaf of bread and a packet of cheese.

  ‘Hey, Luca, I thought you were going travelling this weekend?’

  Luca shook his head. ‘No, I stayed in.’

  ‘No Jess?’ Craig slapped two pieces of bread with cheese together.

  ‘No Jess.’

  Craig took a bite of his sandwich and chewed thoughtfully. ‘You going out tonight?’

  ‘No.’ His tone was dour.

  Craig looked at his cousin speculatively. ‘What’s up?’

  Luca stared straight ahead.

  ‘Girl trouble?’

  No response.

  ‘Are you fighting with Jess?’

  ‘No.’

  Craig flicked on the kettle in exasperation. ‘Fine, have it your way. Sam and I are going to Elixir later if you want to join.’

  ‘Maybe.’

  Luca got to his feet and vacated the room.

  Craig shook his head. He wondered what was bugging Luca as he filled his mug with hot water. He didn’t think that his cousin got upset over anything, let alone a girl.

  Elixir’s lights beamed up through the glass ceiling into the sky. The club pulsated with a deep bass beat. Scantily clad girls writhed around the dance floor, with men in tow. The air smelt of alcohol and sweat. Craig and Sam stood at the crowded bar and threw back another shot of tequila.

  ‘This is the last one,’ Samantha warned. ‘I’m on the verge of collapse.’

  Craig nodded in agreement. ‘Will we head back to yours?’

  Before she had a chance to answer, Luca sidled up to them with a pretty blonde on his arm.

  ‘Craig, Sam, this is Claire.’

  ‘Catherine,’ she corrected.

  ‘Sorry, Catherine.’ He tried to put his hand over his mouth but missed. Craig peered closer and could see that Luca was absolutely plastered.

  ‘Four tequilas,’ ordered Luca at the bar.

  Craig grabbed his arm.

  ‘Don’t you think you’ve had enough, buddy?’

  Luca shook him off. ‘I decide when I’ve had enough.’

  Samantha looked at him in alarm and mouthed ‘pissed’ to Craig. He nodded.

  Luca stumbled as he tried to pull out his iPhone.

  ‘Sam,’ he said, pressing the phone into her hand. ‘Take a photo of me, will you?’

  ‘A photo?’

  ‘Just do it.’

  Samantha aimed the camera at him and, just as she clicked, he grabbed Catherine and kissed her furiously. Such was the force of his kiss, they fell onto the ground. Samantha gasped. What was he doing?

  Craig pulled him to his feet.

  The girl smoothed down her dress, screamed ‘Asshole!’ and stalked off.

  ‘Do you want me to call a taxi?’ asked Craig worriedly. ‘You’re dangerous.’

  ‘Back off,’ said Luca through gritted teeth. ‘I have to do something.’

  He peered at his phone and activated his Facebook app.

  ‘Check in complete,’ he said unsteadily. ‘I tagged you guys.’

  Samantha looked at Craig and shook her head. What was the point?

  Luca pressed another few buttons and then placed the phone back in his pocket.

  ‘Craig?’ he said shakily. ‘Take me home.’

  Samantha looked at Craig worriedly. Grabbing an arm each, they pulled Luca outside.

  Lydia woke up the next morning and stretched. There was something so amazing about her own bed. No other bed on the planet could measure up to it. Reaching out, she checked the time on her phone. It was 10 a.m. Rubbing her eyes she relaxed into the soft mattress.

  This is the life, she thought, luxuriating in the warmth and comfort. Accessing her emails, she deleted all the SPAM. Then she checked Twitter and finally logged into Facebook. The News Feed was filled with the usual suspects: Sarah with her daily update, various articles and photos shared by her cousins and school friends. Suddenly her heart nearly stopped.

  She stared at the photo on the screen. It was unmistakeably Luca with his tongue stuck down some blonde’s throat. His hair gleamed in the disco lights.

  Lydia sat bolt upright
in the bed. She stared at the photo and felt a mixture of emotions fly through her. Anger, hurt and jealousy. They were all there. It shouldn’t matter to her what he got up to, but somehow it just did. Placing the phone on her bedside locker, she took a deep breath.

  Focus, Lyd. Focus on the real world. A world filled with your family, Dom, your studies. From now on, keep Luca at a distance.

  She raised her head slowly. She would not let him get to her. It was absolutely ridiculous to even entertain any thought of him. If this didn’t prove how meaningless their non-relationship was, nothing did.

  Swinging her legs over the edge of the bed she felt ready to face the day. Facing reality gave her strength.

  All this messing had to stop. She didn’t want to feel this way.

  Walking into the bathroom, she switched on the shower. Minutes later she was standing under the steaming water, letting it pour down over her head. She was about as special to him as the next easy lay.

  Men like Luca were all the same.

  Chapter 18

  Brendan Cleary checked the attendance list.

  ‘Have you all signed? Hmmm, Luca Jacob is missing again. Anyone know him? Does anyone know what’s going on?’

  Lydia kept her eyes glued to her book. Colin put up his hand.

  ‘Speak, son, this is not primary school.’ Brendan looked amused.

  ‘He’s sick. He has the worst flu ever.’

  Lydia looked at Colin in surprise. Luca wasn’t sick. He probably had a hangover from the weekend.

  ‘Sick, Colin? I hope so. He has missed a lot of tutorials.’

  ‘He is definitely at death’s door. That’s what I heard. Poor, poor Luca!’ Colin looked around at the class, his face filled with compassion.

  ‘Just let him know that he needs to meet me and explain.’

  ‘I will,’ said Colin gravely.

  Lydia gave him a pointed look. Why get involved? If Luca wanted to waste his life, let him.

  As if on cue, the door opened and Luca walked in. He looked dishevelled and tired, but incredibly sexy. Lydia’s cheeks burned. Colin nearly fell off his chair.

  ‘Mr. Jacob, we were going to send out a search warrant. Are you over your flu?’

  ‘My flu?’ Luca ran his hand through his hair and looked puzzled.

  ‘Yes, your flu.’ Brendan looked stern.

  Colin cleared his throat and Luca understood. ‘Oh sure, my flu. Yeah, I’m feeling much better, thanks.’

  Brendan threw him a sceptical look.

  Luca slipped into the seat behind Lydia. She turned quickly and flashed him a tight smile. It was important to act unfazed.

  ‘Sylvia Plath had demons. It was a known fact that she suffered from depression. Ted Hughes did not help matters. Today we are going to look at her “Beebox” poem. Please open Page 21.’ The tutor gestured to the poetry anthology as he thumbed through it.

  Lydia turned the pages until she found ‘The Arrival of the Beebox’. Settling back in her chair, she listened as Brendan read through the troubled poem.

  ‘The bees trapped in the beebox have a deeper meaning. Anyone volunteer an answer?’ He peered at the class from over his glasses.

  Colin put up his hand excitedly but put it down almost immediately when he saw the tutor’s expression.

  ‘Oh right, sorry, not in primary school. I get it.’

  Lydia giggled.

  Colin ignored her and started to speak. ‘The bees are like her troubled thoughts inside her mind and her mind is like the beebox holding them in. Letting out her thoughts is potentially fatal so they remain confined.’

  ‘What kind of thoughts?’ asked Brendan.

  ‘Suicidal stuff? I’m only saying that cos she killed herself later.’

  ‘Well, Colin, you certainly had a go. Well done.’

  Colin looked as pleased as punch.

  ‘You, Lydia.’ Brendan pointed at her. ‘Should dangerous thoughts be kept under lock and key?’

  ‘Definitely.’ She could feel Luca staring at the back of her head.

  ‘I love the Roman mob image,’ said Colin to his blonde companions.

  They laughed.

  ‘What do you mean, Colin?’ one asked in a high voice.

  ‘Well –’ Colin began.

  Brendan glared at him. ‘If you don’t mind, Colin, I would like to continue. Unless you feel you could do a better job?’

  Colin flushed. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘Don’t be sorry. Such enthusiasm is endearing. Just save it for your assignment.’

  Luca caught up with Lydia outside the library.

  ‘Lyd!’

  She stopped dead.

  ‘Hey, Lyd.’ He was breathless. ‘I just wanted to know what you’re doing for your birthday.’

  Lydia turned slowly to face him. The picture on Facebook was imprinted on her brain. He looked completely unfazed.

  ‘Nothing much as far as I know,’ she said carefully. ‘Dom is coming down so we’ll probably go out for dinner or something. Why?’

  ‘How about a few drinks on Thursday night?’

  ‘No, I don’t think so.’ She continued walking.

  ‘Not just us, dummy – the whole crew.’

  Lydia paused. ‘No, thanks. I think I’ll pass.’

  Luca fell into step beside her. ‘How does it feel to be so old?’ he asked, changing the subject.

  ‘Yeah, I suppose I’m pretty ancient.’ She relented slightly. ‘I hate parties so I tend to have low-key birthdays.’

  ‘But you’re not twenty-three every day.’

  ‘Yeah. It still doesn’t mean I want a big shindig. I would hate that. I didn’t even have a twenty-first party. Colin was mortally wounded as he wanted to plan a big get-together.’

  ‘Too bad, huh?’

  ‘Yeah, too bad. I don’t like a big fuss.’

  ‘Can I take you for a birthday coffee or something?’ He gave her a lopsided grin.

  She steeled herself against his charm. ‘No, Luca, I’ll pass. Thanks anyway.’

  She thought she saw a hurt expression on his face before it was replaced with a smile.

  ‘Okay, no coffee. See you soon.’ He ambled off, his backpack slung over his shoulder.

  Lydia exhaled slowly. That went well. He seemed to get the message. She pulled her coat tighter around her shivering body as she crossed the street.

  ‘I know it’s your birthday, sugarplum, but I have to go with Val to Dublin for the weekend.’

  ‘Craig has booked a mini break for us in Galway. Can we celebrate next weekend?’

  ‘I have to work. O’Leary is sick; I have to cover the wards until Tuesday.’

  Lydia flopped down and rested her head against the tree down by the river.

  I know I said I don’t like birthdays but this is ridiculous, she thought. Everyone had something on. What were the chances? Even her boyfriend wouldn’t be around. What a joke.

  Her phone buzzed.

  Dinner Sat nite 4 bday? Will cook your fave. Mum xx

  Lydia smiled through her tears. Trust Mum not to let her down. She could always count on her.

  ‘Lyd!’

  She jumped at the sound of her name. It was Luca. The spot under the tree had become their place.

  Typical that he would decide to turn up at that moment.

  She turned her face away in embarrassment.

  ‘Lydia?’ He looked at her in concern. ‘Lyd, what is it?’ He was by her side in a flash.

  ‘Nothing,’ she sniffed. ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘You’re not fine. What’s up?’

  It all became too much.

  ‘No one is around for my birthday. Even Dom can’t make it. I know I said I don’t care but, Jesus, even Colin is busy.’ She rubbed her nose with her sleeve.

  Luca reached out and rubbed her arm awkwardly.

  ‘It’s just a day, Lyd. You guys can celebrate the week after. Don’t be sad.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ she said dolefully.

  ‘Look, let me take you ou
t tonight.’

  Lydia looked up in alarm. ‘Out?’

  ‘Yeah, out. Strictly as friends. Like that time we went to the cinema.’

  ‘I’m not sure ...’

  ‘Trust me. I think I can keep my hands off you.’ His blue eyes were serious.

  Lydia sniffed. He had his own life. Facebook had shown her that. There was no reason why they couldn’t be friends. Why not go out with him? Everyone else had bailed on her.

  ‘Okay, fine.’

  His face broke into a brilliant smile. ‘Are you serious? Awesome.’

  ‘Just pick me up at seven.’ She rubbed her nose with her sleeve.

  ‘Sure thing.’ He couldn’t stop smiling. ‘You got it.’

  Luca sank his teeth into his Big Mac.

  ‘This is so good,’ he moaned with his mouth full.

  Lydia laughed. ‘You are so classy when you eat.’

  Luca threw a chip at her.

  ‘You have ketchup all over your face!’ Lydia went off into peals of laughter. ‘Talk about proving my case.’

  ‘Do you want me to throw another French fry?’ he warned.

  ‘No!’ Lydia ducked. ‘They’re so greasy. Yuk!’

  ‘So, do you like your birthday dinner? Pretty nice place, huh?’

  ‘The best,’ said Lydia, genuinely. ‘How did you know that McDonald’s is my favourite place in the world?’

  ‘Get out of here – me too!’

  ‘Dom always gives me grief – he thinks it’s evil.’

  ‘That’s crazy. I couldn’t live without the place. It is the only constant thing in my life. Anywhere you go on the planet, you can get the same French fries.’

  ‘I know! It’s so comforting.’

  They ate in silence.

  ‘So what are you up to for the weekend?’ Luca regarded her lazily.

  ‘Mum is cooking me a special dinner on Saturday night. I suppose she’ll make all the family come home as well. The usual.’

  ‘Low key?’

  ‘Very.’

  ‘I must come and visit you sometime. I’d love to see West Cork.’

  ‘You should. It’s beautiful. Bring Jessica, or whoever is flavour of the week, and make a romantic weekend of it.’