by Jessica Wood
I stared at the box once again and I knew she was right. As much as I’d tried to convince myself during the last three weeks that what Ethan and I had was not real, my heart wouldn’t believe me.
“Okay,” I finally said. “I’ll hear him out.”
I took the box and placed it in front of me. I pushed away the hesitation I felt and opened it.
My eyes grew wide when I saw what was inside.
There, sitting innocently inside the box, was an old, pink leather journal. I held my breath as I reached for the journal, touching it in disbelief. As my fingers traced the worn leather and the deep creases along the spine, I knew this was the journal from my flashbacks. I knew this was my journal.
On top of the journal was a Post-it note that said:
Can we start over from the beginning?
“Why did he ask me to give you that?” Anna’s face fell and the excitement that had been twinkling in her eyes since she’d arrived had instantly vanished. But I had barely noticed this drastic change. My eyes were transfixed on the worn pink leather journal in my hand.
“This was my diary from childhood,” I answered softly, unsure of what it all meant.
“It’s your diary?” She looked at me incredulously. “But how’s that possible?”
“I…I don’t know.”
I gingerly opened the journal to the page and let out a gasp.
The first entry was dated September 7, 1995. Instead of starting my first journal entry with the usual “Dear Diary,” there in my own handwriting from years ago, I wrote “Dear Ethan.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
I stared at those two words in shock. How was this possible? Why was I writing my journal entries to Ethan?
I flipped through the journal and to my surprise, all the entries started off with “Dear Ethan” instead of “Dear Diary.” I felt dizzy as I tried to understand what it meant and why Ethan was a part of my past.
“Hey, Liv, there’s some other stuff in this box,” Anna suddenly said as she dug past the tissue paper inside it. She pulled out a card and DVD and handed them to me.
I opened the card and inside was a handwritten note from Ethan and the goofy picture we had taken together at Free Fall Adventures. I smiled at how happy and alive we both looked in the picture, and fresh tears fell down my face.
I looked back to the card and read it:
Dear Olivia,
I cannot express how sorry I am for not telling you everything when I had the chance. I know you might not want to see me again, but I couldn’t let you disappear from my life again without trying to explain things to you. I hope that the DVD and your diary will be a good start. And I hope you will be able to forgive me for not being honest with you.
When you’re ready, and I hope you will be, I will be here waiting for you.
Love,
Ethan
My chest heaved up and down and my heart beat violently against my chest as my eyes lingered on the words, “Love, Ethan.” Had he really been a part of my past? But why didn’t he tell me?
I took a deep breath to steady my nerves before I returned to the first entry of the journal. With my stomach in knots and my skin prickling with excitement and fear, I began to read the journal I had written to him almost twenty years ago.
September 7, 1995
Dear Ethan,
Happy birthday to us! I hope you like the Power Rangers cards I got you. Thank you for this journal. I love it! I promise I'm going to write in it all the time! It’s the best birthday gift. I can’t believe I’m ten now, and you’re twelve! Now you can’t tease me for being a baby, right?
You are my very best friend. I hope you know that. I am happy you are here. You make me laugh and you always know how to make me feel better. Like today at my birthday party, when Mr. Robbins brought over some special punch that he said was only for the adults. My mom got really upset when my dad fell on the ground when we were eating cake, and she blamed it on the punch. She said he fell off the wagon. I don’t know what that means, but they had a fight after everyone left, and it was the first time I’ve seen them yelling at each other like that. I ran over to your house, and you made me feel better. You even made me your special sandwich with the peanut butter, banana, and bacon. You’re right, they do taste like Heaven (but to be honest, I don’t know what Heaven is supposed to be like). It was delicious and it did make me feel better.
Okay, it’s time for bed. I see your light is off in your room already, so you must be asleep already. Sweet dreams, Ethan. I will see you tomorrow.
Love,
Liv
My eyes were full of tears when I read the entry. Ethan was my childhood best friend. It took me a moment to let the idea sink in.
I went back to the journal and continued reading. After some time, I got to a journal entry that caught my eye.
August 31, 1996
Dear Ethan,
I just said goodbye to you a few minutes ago. I had so much fun today at the state fair. I’m still so full from the hot dogs you challenged me to eat. I just couldn’t finish the third one. My stomach would have burst! I can’t believe you ate 6! Sandy says that you’ll get fat if you eat like that. But I think she’s lying because she’s your sister and you said sisters are mean sometimes. But don’t worry. Even if you get fat, it’ll be okay. I’ll still be your best friend and let you eat all the hot dogs you want.
Oh and you were right, opening my eyes during the roller coaster ride made it less scary. You’re so smart. Are you proud of me? I kept my eyes open the entire time and I didn’t feel scared at all. But I knew you were there next to me to protect me, so that helped.
It’s so hot tonight! The air conditioning broke down in our house when I got home tonight. They had another fight, and I heard my dad slam the door and drive off. I hope he will be okay. Last time he drove off late at night, he came back really late and parked the car on the lawn. My mom was mad about that. I hope he doesn’t do that this time.
Okay, it’s almost time for bed. I will see you tomorrow. :)
Love,
Liv
“So he was in that roller coaster flashback…he was the one who told me to open my eyes.” I felt my chest fill with emotion as I continued reading. The more I read, the more I realized how much of an impact Ethan had on my childhood.
Then another memory made me smile because I remembered it from a flashback I had.
July 28, 1997
Dear Ethan,
Thank you for making today a good day. I was so scared and sad when my dad came home drunk again. My arm still hurts from when he grabbed me when they were fighting. Thank you for being there for me and taking me to your special place in the meadow. It was so pretty there. I could lie under those stars holding your hand forever.
And guess what???
I had my first kiss tonight! Can you believe it?
Well, of course you can, you were there. :) (You always told me you liked how silly I was, so there you go.)
So I’m grinning right now just thinking of the way you kissed me. You were holding my hands, and you asked me to be your girlfriend. :)
I was so happy.
Okay, it’s time for bed. Good night, Ethan. Sweet dreams (about me, of course). :)
Love,
Liv
With my heart full of warmth and my eyes full of tears, I continued reading. It wasn’t long before I reached the last entry in the journal. I felt a sense of sadness that it was the last entry I was going to read.
November 2, 1997
Dear Ethan,
Do you remember this journal? You gave it to me on my 10th birthday. It was the best gift I've ever gotten in my life. I’ve written in it almost every day for the last two years.
I’m so so so sad that I'm moving today. I wish my mom and dad weren't getting a divorce. I wish I didn't have to leave you. What if today might be the last time I’ll see you. That makes me so sad. It scares me too. Why is life so unfair? Will you miss me?
Ethan, you’ve been my very best friend since I moved in next door when I was three. You were always there for me, protecting me when I was scared, making me laugh when I was sad, and being there with me when I was lonely. That’s why the entries are all addressed to you, because I feel the most comfortable telling you all my secrets.
Now that I’m moving, I want to give this journal back to you because I want you to read it. I’ve filled these pages with all my deepest thoughts, and I want you to keep it with you so you can always remember me. Did you know that every entry talks about you because you have been a part of every happy moment of my life since we met?
I will miss you so much. Best friends forever and ever. Please don't forget about me. I promise I won't forget you. Cross my heart.
xoxo,
Liv
Tears poured down my face when I finished reading everything. “He was my childhood best friend,” I whispered. “That is why he always felt familiar. That is why I always felt a connection with him.”
“Liv? Are you okay?” Anna popped her head in the living room. She had left me alone to read through the note and journal.
I nodded and wiped some tears from my cheeks, and then I told Anna about the card and journal.
“That’s crazy.” Anna shook her head in amazement. “You’d mentioned a childhood love you had before but you never told me a name.”
“I have?” I looked at her in surprise. “What did I say?”
She tried to think back. “Well, this was before you met Connor and we had just started hanging out regularly. We were talking about relationships and you said that you’ve been in love a few times, but that nothing compared to your first love when you were eleven or twelve. You told me that you and your mom had to move away and stay with her parents in New Jersey.”
“I was talking about Ethan,” I responded with a smile on my face.
Then Anna’s eyes lit up and she looked at me. “I remember something else.”
“What?”
“You told me that you moved to Philly for this first love.”
“What?” I was shocked by what she was telling me.
“Yeah. You said that you guys somehow lost contact with each other after you moved. You’d always think about him from time to time and when your mom passed away, you had thought about him a lot. So you’d called around and after some searching, someone told you that he had moved to Philly a few years ago. So you packed up and moved here, hoping you’d somehow find him.”
“Did I try?”
She nodded. “I think you did but you didn’t have any luck.”
“I wish I could remember all this.”
She smiled sympathetically. Then she spotted the DVD again. “Have you watched it?”
I shook my head.
I watched her take the DVD out of the case and inserted it into the DVD player. She turned on the TV and handed me the remote.
“Do you want to watch this alone?”
I smiled, grateful for her thoughtfulness. “No, watch it with me. I’m so confused and torn with my emotions right now, I’ll probably need your advice.”
She beamed at me and threw her arm around my shoulder. “What are best friends for?”
I looked at the remote and pressed the Play button. The screen turned blue and then a second later, Ethan’s face appeared on the screen. My heart skipped a beat at the sight of him, and I was overcome with the desire to throw my arms around him.
He smiled at the camera and I felt my heart break. I could still see the scabbed-over scar where the gash had been on his forehead from when Connor attacked him.
“Hi, Liv.” He paused as he looked straight at the camera. I saw the nervousness in his movement as he bit his bottom lip and let out a controlled sigh and a flush of red appeared on his face. I’d never seen Ethan act in this way before, and the anticipation of what he was going to say caused my stomach to flip and tighten as I waited for him to continue.
“Surprise. By now, you’ve probably read my card and your journal entries, and you might be in shock. I’m sorry I had to tell you like this. I really wanted to tell you in person. Liv, we’ve known each other for over twenty-five years, and for the first nine of those years, we were best friends. We had lost touch when you moved away with your mom. I thought about you over the years, but never was able to find out where you went. And then, a few months ago, I saw you walking out of a coffee shop in Rittenhouse Square. I thought that I might be crazy and seeing things. The last time I saw you, you were only twelve. But then I saw a man—Conner—get out of a car to hug you, and I heard him call your name. That was when I knew it was you.”
“Then I did some digging, and found out that you were engaged. I was so devastated when I found out. And like the masochist that I am, I heard about your engagement party and I went by to see if I could get another look at you before you got married. But when I got to the museum, I saw you running away in the distance, and I saw Connor run after you. That was when I knew something was wrong.”
“I had stopped by the hospital where you were, and they said you were in a coma. I kept my distance but would visit to check up on you. I remember seeing Connor there a lot when I would visit, and during one of those visits—on the day you woke up from your coma—I overheard him talking on the phone. He was talking to this private investigation firm and I heard him say that he needed an attractive man to befriend a woman he knew. He said that she claimed to have lost her memories, but he wanted to be sure that was the case.”
Ethan fidgeted in his seat as he looked into the camera.
“I had a friend of a friend who knew someone who worked at that PI firm, and with some persuading, and cash, I was able to get assigned to be that man Connor needed. So that’s how we met. I wasn’t sure why Connor hired someone, but I wanted to find out.”
“Liv, I have wanted to tell you everything for some time now. But in the beginning, I didn’t want to be selfish. Since you were engaged, I knew you must’ve loved Connor, and I didn’t want to complicate things for you. You were also in a fragile state with your amnesia. I guess I didn’t want to burden you with more to think about. I knew I should have told you that day on our birthdays, but…I was afraid that I’d get nervous, and when I get nervous I say all the wrong things so I thought I’d scare you off. You were so happy that day, I didn’t want to ruin it. I’m really sorry. I hope you can forgive me for lying to you.”
“So I realized that I’ve lied to myself all these years, thinking that one day you would return to me, thinking that one day you’d find me so that you could hear the three words that I’ve wanted to say since you left—those simple three words that seemed to need so much courage to say. I was too young then and had never imagined losing you before I found that courage to say them. Now, after all these years, after I had almost lost you to Connor, I finally found the courage to say them.”
His eyes glistened with tears as he looked straight into the camera.
“Liv. I love you. I’ve loved you since the day I made you your first peanut butter, banana, and bacon sandwich. Through all this time, I haven’t forgotten all the things I’ve loved about you—the way you looked, the way I felt when you looked at me, the way you laughed when I told you a silly joke—I carried all of those memories here.” He put his hand to his chest and looked straight at the camera.
“So I saw this old black and white film once where the couple had to say good bye to each other because of World War I, and the female character asked the male character, ‘If we don’t find each other when the war ends, what would happen?’ The male character very confidently said to the female character, ‘If we don’t find each other after the war, then we’ll find each other by the following year. If we don’t find each other by the following year, then we’ll find each other by the following five years or ten years, or twenty years. It doesn’t matter how long, we’ll find each other eventually.’”
He smiled into the camera. “Liv, when I saw you for the first time in twenty y
ears outside that coffee shop, I realized that I had always secretly felt that way about us. Somehow, in the back of my mind, I knew that one day we would find each other again.”
He paused before continuing.
“So I don’t know how our story will play out, but whether our love story is destined as a tragedy or a happily-ever-after, we should at least begin to finish our story, don’t you think?” He looked into the camera, and I saw the emotion in his intense eyes. I sobbed uncontrollably at his words.
“You can call or text me any time. And if…if you don’t want to communicate with me again, t—that’s okay. I’ll understand. Just let Anna know so she can call and tell me. Don’t worry,” he gave a small smile, “I won’t bother you again. Even if I don’t ever see you again, you’ll always be here.” He touched his heart.
When the TV screen changed to the blue screen, I turned to look at Anna. Her eyes were also filled with tears.
“Liv, you came to Philly to find him. Well, he’s found you, and it looks like Fate has given you guys another chance to be together. You have to take it.”
I nodded uncontrollably as tears flowed down my face. “You’re right, Anna. We’ve been given a second chance.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
After I’d recovered from my sobfest, I dialed Ethan’s number. He picked up immediately after the first ring.
“Hey, you.” His voice was tender yet tentative.
“Hi,” I said softly. This was the first time I felt nervous to talk to him.
“Did you see Anna?”
“Yes.” I paused.
As I was about to say, “Ethan, I’m sorry,” Ethan said, “Liv, I’m sorry.”