Love Me Again

by Wendy M. Burge

  Growling, he rolled them onto their sides and playfully swatted her delectably rounded buttocks. “Are you complaining, my lady?” Then his large hands were sensually massaging the silken globes that had always fascinated him so.

  “Well, I am still hungry and you did promise...” Her eyes slid closed with a moan as his massaging hands became more aggressive with her tender flesh.

  His lips stole the rest of her grievance into his mouth, and for the next hour he gave her nothing to complain about as he feasted on every inch of her delectable flesh.

  He was, after all, a man of his word.

  * * * *

  In the blessed cover of night the lovers lived in a world of their own design. All ceased to exist but the two of them, both insatiable to fulfill years worth of heated dreams and fantasies.

  When Christina began to stir from a lethargic daze of bliss, she moaned as Varek's mouth deeply suckled her breast, then soothed the tender nipple with slow, luxurious strokes of his tongue. She raised a heavy hand and ran her fingers through his hair; the feel of that silken mane was a memory she had never forgotten.

  She still couldn't believe this night was happening, and she had never been happier. She couldn't dredge up even a moment of guilt. After tonight the rest of her life would be devoted to Robert and her baby. But not tonight. Tonight was Varek's alone.

  And then came the stunning thought that perhaps tonight would give her something else to carry away with her other than delicious memories. Varek's baby. Her heart began to pound as, with a will of its own, her hand stole to her stomach.

  Varek felt his love's increased heartbeat and looked up, a sensuous smile curling his bruised lips. “Still hungry, are we?”

  “For you? Always.”

  He stilled as he watched her, sensing some deeper emotion that she seemed hesitant to share with him. Pulling himself up next to her, he took her into his arms, and her head nestled with natural ease onto his chest. From long habit his fingers combed through the dark tresses that he loved so much. He was quiet as he spread them out over his chest and down his stomach.

  “Years ago I lived in paradise, taking for granted my good fortune.” Beneath her cheek his chest rumbled with his softly spoken words. “Then it was stripped from me and I found myself walking in a hell I couldn't find my way out of. Yet somehow I must have done something right, for here I am, basking in your light again. I do not know what is to come; now I don't even care. All I know is that whatever happens I will die a happy man.”

  Christina jerked upright and glared down at him, “Don't even jest about something like that!”

  He stared at her with an intensity that frightened her when he finally asked softly, “Do you know why I am resigned to the fact of losing you again?”

  Swallowing, she shook her head. She didn't like where this conversation was taking them one little bit. He sounded so ... fatalistic.

  “All our life together I have spoken, rather prosaically I am ashamed to say, of our souls being joined. But after having lost you and then this miracle of finding each other again, I finally understand what that really means, lark. In this life, or another, we will always find each other. God created us, not as two souls coming together to form one, but each of us a half of one soul. When we come together we are complete. When we come together, only then are we home. No matter what happens to us in the years we are forced to be apart, it is part of the greater design that we will find each other again. It is quite simple, really. It is just a matter of suffering through the times we must be apart. If we lose each other in this life, I will find you in the next, lark. It is predestined.”

  Was it really that simple? Christina wondered sadly. She stared into Varek's tranquil gaze and wished she had such faith, but just the idea of Varek not existing in this life with her, even if oceans separated them, was too wrenching for her. She had to know, at the very least, that they were watching the same sun rising and setting, that she breathed in the same air he exhaled.

  And yet what he said made such sense to her, for when they had been parted she had felt as if half of her was gone. She had felt incomplete. Even the birth of her beloved Eddie had never filled that void. Not until the moment she had seen Varek striding across a ballroom to claim her again had she been whole.

  “I love you, lark. Nothing will ever change that. Not time, not distance, not even death.”

  Death. There was that word again, and it struck such terror in her. Her heart slowed to a hard, heavy thud that made it difficult for her to breath. “What are you trying to tell me, Varek?”

  He didn't hesitate in his answer, “Only that I love you beyond life itself. Nothing more.”

  She leaned closer and gazed deep into his shadowed eyes and could read nothing there. “Swear to me that you are keeping nothing from me,” she demanded with a harsh insistence that was foreign to her.

  When the emotion in his eyes turned haunted, her stomach clenched with a painful lurch. Then his gaze shifted away and he gently brushed her hair back over her shoulders. “I swear, my love.”

  “You're lying,” she accused, angry and hurt at his lack of faith in her.

  His hands closed about her waist and he lifted her above him. When her legs naturally settled about his flanks he thrust up into her with a force that had her gasping.

  Angered even more by this tactic, she pushed away from him, holding herself suspended over him with stiff arms. “Why are you lying to me?”

  His eyes were gleaming in the firelight. “Make love to me, lark,” he whispered, turning her own plea of hours ago back on her. “Please.”

  Her arms relaxed and he pulled her closer, his lips closing hungrily about an aching nipple before drawing it into the warm cavern of his mouth.

  “Damn you, Varek!” she moaned, her head falling back as he turned her into a slave to their passions.

  “When the dawn comes I will be damned well enough. Just love me now, lark. Just love me.”

  And she loved him with a wildness that made them hunger for each other all the more.

  * * * *

  Even as much as they cursed the coming of the dawn, not even their great love could hold it at bay. They lay in bed, wrapped in each other's arms, and watched with heavy hearts the inevitable beginning of a new day. With every minute that lightened their haven she was tempted to beg him to take her with him, but she knew she wouldn't.

  He was tempted to convince her to leave with him, but he knew he couldn't.

  Reality had a way of tarnishing even the most precious dreams. For what could he offer her but the life of a notorious woman, ostracized by her family in England and separated from her beloved son? Truth be told, even if he wasn't marked for death, he would never ask of her such a sacrifice. He knew that once more he had to love her enough to let her go.

  But he also knew that someday, in some other life, they would be together again.

  He had to believe that or go mad.

  Sensing her sadness, he rolled over and nuzzled her face with his scratchy cheek. “Well,” he teased as he nibbled her ear, “have I satisfied you?”

  She blinked her tears away. She would not ruin these last minutes with her weakness. She would be strong for him if it killed her. Which it probably will, she thought dismally. “A thousand nights like this could never be enough to satisfy me.”

  “We will be together again, lark. Please believe that as strongly as you love me. I will find you again. If not in this lifetime, then in the next.” He kissed her softly, a tender brush of lips that made the tears rush to her eyes. “Promise you will wait for me.”

  She flung her arms around his neck and clung to him with a ferocity that disturbed him. “I will wait for you, my only love. For eternity and beyond.”

  “Then all will be well and I am content.” And their lips met for the last time.

  Twenty

  The weeks that followed Varek's departure were pure torture for Christina. She wanted nothing more than to hide in her room and cry
out her grief in private, but between Sergei and Laure, she was never given that luxury. It was as if the two of them had bonded together in a mission to force her to deal with life whether she wanted to or not.

  At night she would lay in her bed, reliving every minute of their last night together. At times it gave her such comfort, but mostly it made her turn her head into her pillow and weep for the loss of him again.

  The more she pondered on his theory of their destinies being interwoven throughout time, the more she began to share his conviction. Perhaps it was just her way of coping with her pain, yet it did give her a feeling of strength, and soon the days and nights didn't seem so lonely. Knowing Varek was out there, waiting for her, whether in this life or on some other infinite plane of forever, she found herself comforted.

  And so the days passed.

  Laure was kept busier than she wished with the Congress as she was forced to step in as hostess for the ailing empress, who was bedridden more often than not, the ravages of consumption stripping her of whatever strength she had left. Christina visited the empress often, usually with Tina holding her hand and behaving like the little princess she was. It was so difficult to see the once beautiful woman wasting away so tragically, and Francis was beside himself with grief. The probability of the Empress Maria surviving the year was dim, and already the country was mourning the loss of their beloved empress, as she had completely withdrawn from public life.

  Much too soon for Christina, Laure was prepared to move her household to Brussels. The prince would follow her when he finished the final negotiations the Allies were still trying desperately to reach.

  And Christina had to prepare herself for yet another good-bye, this time to Varek's daughter, whom she loved with a maternal devotion as strong as the one she felt for Eddie. Would she ever see the little scamp again? Christina wondered painfully. Heartache seemed to define her life lately, and she was so tired of it all. How she wished she could fall into a deep sleep and wake up back in England, with Eddie in her arms.

  Her final visit with Tina was even worse than she had feared, for the little girl, feeling deserted again, clung to Christina, screaming for her not to go. It took Sergei to forcefully pry the thin arms from around her neck before Christina could finally stumble back and race like a coward from the tearful pleas. As soon as the door slammed with a finality that cut her heart in two, she crumpled in a heap of sobs on the floor. When she was done soaking Sergei's coat, he silently picked her up and carried her to her coach. Neither one said a word to the other. After all, what was there to be said that wouldn't sound trite or callous?

  Christina was sick to death of the reality of what her days had become. At times she wished Varek had never come back into her life. But those times were few and far between her other memories of laughter and love, and Varek gazing at her in a way that could send her to her knees.

  Oh, yes, he and Tina were worth every moment of this unending sorrow. As Varek had told her, this was one of those times that she would just have to suffer through, for one day...

  * * * *

  They arrived in Brussels by mid-April, shocked at the sight of the beautiful little city in such turmoil. It seemed to take forever to wend their way through the congested streets, the noise so deafening that their heads were pounding with pain by the time they arrived at the rented house that had been secured for Metternich. News seemed to travel fast, for Christina and Laure had just crossed the threshold when Robert burst into the room and grabbed Christina up in a strangling hold.

  Stunned at his abrupt entrance, Christina stiffened for such an infinitesimal moment before wrapping her arms around his neck that he didn't seem to notice.

  “God, how I have missed you!” Robert murmured into her neck.

  Over Robert's shoulder, Christina was surprised to see Sergei lounging against the mantel as he watched her with a smile. Closing her eyes to shut out his sympathetic gaze, she gave her husband her full attention. She was glad to see him, she assured herself. She was.

  She returned his embrace with an earnestness that she finally did believe in.

  The next hour was spent over tea as he brought them up to date on what was happening in a city preparing for war. Ever yday more regiments marched into Brussels, rations were cut back on an hourly basis as the city struggled to feed a population that was growing several times its size in mere weeks. Living space was nonexistent and men were sleeping with their horses just to have a roof over their head. Robert told them that Napoleon was already marching toward Flanders, gathering men into his Grande Armée as he went, and it could be just a matter of weeks before battle was engaged. Wellington had chosen the site where the battle would be engaged, a town twenty-one miles outside of Brussels, Quatre Bras.

  Christina watched Robert's excitement, thinking how very much like Eddie he looked, as if he were getting ready to deploy his wooden soldiers in a mock battle on a counterpane spread out of the floor.

  Looking away from his animated face, she wondered what Varek was doing. Glancing at Sergei, she tried to read his expression, find a hint that he had communicated with Varek and that everything was fine. Sergei had come days ahead of them, in the hopes of connecting up with Varek through the Austrian generals, but by his restless manner as he wandered about the room, she had to assume he'd had no luck so far.

  “What do you think, my dear?”

  Christina jerked her head around and stared into Robert's expectant face. She blinked slowly, afraid to open her mouth. She had no idea as how to respond.

  “I think Christina was planning on staying here with Laure for a few days. At least till she has settled in a little more.” Sergei inserted smoothly, covering as usual for Christina's wandering thoughts, which seemed to happen frequently since Varek's departure.

  When Robert's face fell, and he started to frown, Christina hastily added, “It will only be a few days, Robert, no more. It's just that Laure tires so quickly now.” She flushed with the guilt of using Laure's advanced pregnancy as an excuse to avoid him. Seeing Robert's hurt and confusion distressed her even more. But she didn't understand; she had just assumed they would be staying in the Metternich's large residence; after all, living space was at a premium. But far above all trivial reasons, she needed to stay close to Laure and her calming influence. Worried, she glanced over at Sergei.

  Raising a brow, he merely shrugged.

  “You are more than welcome to stay here, my lord,” Laure assured him as she refilled his cup.

  Looking a little put out, Robert hedged, “Yes, your highness, I appreciate that, but I was hoping to have my wife to myself for a while. It has been so long since...” Christina's mind shut down and she missed the rest of what he was saying. She was suddenly sweating and shivering at the same time. Of course she had to expect this, and yet...

  As the room tilted around her she shot to her feet and then swayed, her hand held over her eyes. Instantly, Robert and Sergei were on either side of her, both talking at the same time, but their voices sounded hazy and far away.

  “I ... I don't feel...” She felt herself being lifted, and in the distance she heard Laure snapping orders, then everything went black.

  * * * *

  Breathing deeply, Christina smelled rosewater, and felt a cold dampness heavy on her eyes. Raising her hand, she tried to push off the strange weight, but it was removed before she could touch it. Her lids opened slowly, then blinked as she looked up into Laure's concerned face.

  “I don't believe I have ever seen you faint before. Are you all right? Shall I send for the doctor?”

  “Of course not. Don't be a goose,” Christina tried to joke as she looked about her. They were thankfully alone. “Robert?”

  “Pacing down below. I thought it better than to have him fretting over you.”

  “Is he going to be staying here?”

  Laure paused, her brows raised in surprise at the strange question. Watching Christina's pale face, she said slowly, “Why, I don't think so. He
mentioned that until the two of you could be alone together he might as well remain in his room at headquarters.”

  Christina swallowed a sigh of relief. How could she explain to her friend her sudden antipathy at the thought of sharing Robert's bed? To the princess, marital duty was everything. Not that Laure was a prude. One couldn't live amid the loose morals of European society and not accept the inevitability of affairs of the heart, and other parts down under. Laure, of course, knew about her and Varek's last night together and had silently supported her decision. But this sudden aversion to her husband's bed Laure would not be able to understand.

  “You can't hide from him forever, you know.”

  Rubbing her eyes, Christina shook her head. “Oh, Laure, I know. I don't know what came over me. It was just that the thought of him touching me after...”

  “If that's the way it is going to be, then divorce him.”

  Christina adamantly shook her head. “No.”

  “Its not fair to him, Christina.” For the first time Laure was looking at her with condemnation in her eyes.

  Looking away, Christina thought furiously. “I will get over this, Laure, I promise you. I will be a wife to Robert again. I owe it to him. And once we are back in England, it will be the same as it always was.” Keep telling yourself that, my girl. Maybe one day you will begin to believe it.

  “He needs you now, not when you get back to England.”

  Christina couldn't blame Laure for her defense of Robert. Truth to tell, she needed Laure to shake some sense into her. Taking a deep breath, she nodded. “You're right, Laure, as usual.” Her lashes fluttered with uncertainty before she looked her friend in the eye and asked firmly, “Could you please ask Robert to come in?”

  Standing, Laure smiled down on her friend. “Remember, Christina, you have a brave heart.”

  Christina watched as the door closed behind the princess. Unfortunately, her heart, brave or otherwise, belonged to Varek.