Somebody Tell Aunt Tillie She's Dead (Toad Witch Series, Book One)

by Christiana Miller

  "You can't even swat a spider. You always make me relocate them outside. How on earth could you have killed a person?"

  I got up and paced the length of the room, holding the clip. "I killed the last of my mother's family and I've never even met her. How rude is that?"

  "Miss Manners would have a field day. You should always meet your victims first."

  "I'm not joking!"

  "Mara, you need to calm down. Seeing something happen and making it happen are two different things."

  "Semantics. Does it happen because you see it? Or do you see it because it's going to happen? It's the same thing. They feed into each other. Oh my god, I'm a killer. A stone-cold killer."

  "Relax and breathe. This isn't you. This is the bourbon talking."

  "I was standing in the middle of the road. I was the reason she swerved into the tree. I have to turn myself in."

  "Trust me, you'll be laughed out of every police station in the country. You weren't actually there, Mara. Read the article. It says an owl hit her windshield. Not an astral-projecting witch."

  I gave a strangled sob and collapsed on the couch. "I was too lazy to do things the real way. I had to use magic to get what I wanted. Magic takes the path of least resistance. I wanted a new home. Now I've got it. Yay, me, right? I dreamt her death into being and all for what? Just because I needed a place to stay?"

  He put his hand on my arm, but I shook him off.

  "I'm going to take you to the hospital. You obviously have a concussion."

  I started rocking back and forth. Gus grabbed me, stopping the rocking motion.

  "You are not responsible for this. Seriously. Do you think you're such a great witch that you command the Queen of Fate for everyone else?"

  "No..." I sniffled, tears running down my cheeks.

  "All right then. Stop taking the blame for what happens to other people. The only person under your control is you. Got it?"

  I nodded.

  "Now, for whatever reason, this cottage was fated to come to you. You've been seeing it because you were meant to get it. Even you being evicted played into it."

  "But what about Aunt Tillie?"

  "What about her? It was her time to die. You were given a gift of sight. You got a chance to see her before she kicked it. You got to spend a stolen minute with her. You did not kill her."

  I nodded. I wanted to believe him. I really did.

  "You're really freaked about this cottage, aren't you?"

  I nodded again. "It's been keeping me up nights and now it's turning my life upside down."

  "You know, there's only one thing to do," he said, looking deep into my eyes.

  I stared at him, hoping he had the answer.

  "You have to decide. Are you going to let your fears rule you? Or are you going to be the master of your own destiny?"

  I groaned. That was not what I was hoping to hear.

  He smiled at me to soften the blow. "Start packing, little grasshopper. Your new home awaits. You are going to honor the memories of Tillie and your mom, and every female in that MacDougal line, by claiming that cottage and making it your own."

  I tried to smile, but my stomach had morphed into a large Celtic knot, lubricated by fear.

  "Besides, if the cottage is so desperate to get you there that it killed someone to make it happen, don't you want to find out why?" Gus asked.

  "Hell, no!" I protested. But as much as I wanted to deny it and run screaming from the apartment, I couldn't quite silence the voice inside of me that agreed with him. The one that wanted to go face down the bogeyman and bring it to its knees.

  In the sober light of day, the idea of moving to the cottage was as enticing as it was horrifying. Probably because Gus had been working overtime to sway me to his way of thinking. Despite my residual guilt and depression about Tillie, (and a nagging fear that Gus was wrong about his version of what happened), I was actually a little excited about the idea of starting a whole new life in Devils Point, Wisconsin. It was just a stone's throw from the Canadian border -- if you could throw really well, over water. And it was across the harbor from Devils Island, with its infamous lighthouse.

  The excitement was tinged with a cold layer of fear, but it was excitement nonetheless. A small, obviously suicidal part of me was not only curious, but a little eager to see the real-life cottage face-to-face and get to the bottom of what was going on. That was the part of me that I could never quite hide from Gus. Although it made me wonder which morbid DNA marker I carried, that turned facing my deepest fears into a rush.

  When Gus came up with the ever-practical suggestion of trading my precious Mustang Sally for Zed, his new Ford Escape Hybrid, I jumped at it. Normally, I'd never trade Sally for anything, but somehow, I didn't think northern Wisconsin had a terribly long summer season. And snow and rock salt weren't all that great for a convertible.

  Besides, since I was going to be driving up there, the SUV just seemed more practical. So, I took Sally out for a last spin up Pacific Coast Highway and handed the keys to Gus with no regrets.

  On Friday, under the ever watchful and suspicious eyes of Mrs. Lasio, I packed up the last of my things and loaded them into the SUV. It was sad to think that my entire life could fit so easily into Zed -- with enough room to still be able to see out the back window.

  I had taken cuttings of my harder to get plants, like the Salvia Divinorum and the Belladonna, and let Gus keep the rest. When he roared off in Sally, loaded down with greenery and the last remnants of my life in Los Angeles, I thought he was just transporting everything back to his apartment. But that was hours ago and he still hadn't returned.

  I tried to finish loading Zed as slow as I could, but it was almost seven and I had to get on the road. I wanted to get started before nightfall, so my eyes had time to adjust to the changing light.

  I stood in the middle of the road, hoping to see Gus driving back. Except for a couple of squirrels playing tag, the street was dead quiet. I debated going back into the apartment and waiting for him, but Mrs. Lasio's nephew was already in there, changing the locks. So I got into the SUV and willed Gus to appear as hard as I could.

  I just couldn't believe he wasn't going to make it back to say goodbye. Especially since I was moving so far away. I thought about waiting for him in the courtyard, but Mrs. Lasio was standing guard at the gate. Damn, the courtyard looked bare without my mini-forest.

  With a sigh, I started the ignition.

  As I was pulling away, I saw Gus speeding down the road.

  He parked and ran over to me, holding a plastic mini-aquarium. "You weren't going to leave without saying goodbye, were you?"

  I put the SUV in park and hopped out, grinning. "Not happily. What's Grundleshanks doing here? He wants to say goodbye too?"

  "Nope. He's coming with you."

  "What?!" I stared at Gus, stunned. "But you love Grundleshanks. Besides, I don't know what to do with a toad."

  Gus opened up the passenger door and put Grundleshanks on the seat, buckling his tank into place with the seat belt. "Take it up with him. The little traitor. He's the one who insisted. I tried to talk him out of it, but he'd made up his little toady mind. Just keep him fed, watered, give him new mud. Which he hates, by the way, so give him new mud a lot. And hose him down frequently. If he complains, ignore him." Gus shot Grundleshanks an evil look. "See how long you'll like living with her, you amphibian Judas."

  "I can't take him, really, Gus."

  "You have to."

  "Why do I have to?"

  "Ask little Lord Traitor yourself. He wouldn't give me any peace until I agreed to let him go with you. And be careful opening his cage, because he can leap out and attack awfully fast. And whatever you do, wear gloves when you handle him. The poison he secretes through his skin can be deadly. Or a really great hallucinogen, depending on how much you get."

  "I think you've been playing with the toad too much. It's starting to affect you. C'mon, look at that face. He definitely wants to stay wit
h you."

  "I wish." Gus went back to Sally and returned with a slightly used box of latex gloves, a water mister and a plastic baggie full of crickets. "Just to get you started."

  I gave it one last try. "Gus, this is really sweet, but you love Grundleshanks. To you, he's a roommate. To me, he'd just be a toad."

  "That's what I told him. But it's out of my hands. Hopefully, you'll give him the care he deserves, just because he's my toad. Ex-toad."

  "I don't understand."

  "Neither do I. I opened his cage to change out his mud, he launched himself at me, hung onto my face and told me he had to go with you. And he refused to let go until I gave in. He got me so stoned, I couldn't move for two hours."

  I looked down at the eye-blinking mud lump in the tank. "Well, if you're sure... I don't know what to say."

  "He says he's on some kind of mission. Tell you what. If you don't want him, just send him back when his job is done." Gus sighed. "Just my luck to have befriended a toad on a quest." He glared at Grundleshanks. "And don't think I'm going to be pining away for you, either. There's plenty more toads where you came from."

  Grundleshanks blinked at him.

  Gus took a shopping bag out of Sally's trunk. "And since you insist on not taking care of yourself, I've put together a vitamin and supplement regimen that will keep you healthy."

  "Gus Ð"

  "Ð Hush, no fighting me on it. There's a list of what you need to take when, in the bag. I expect you to follow it to a T." Then he dug into his man-bag and pulled out a gift-wrapped box. "And this is a present for when you get there, but it's got a shelf-life and it's heat-sensitive, so don't go leaving it in Zed."

  "Gus, this is really too much..."

  "Zip it. Not another word. Just don't expect anything else, 'cause this is the extent of what you're getting from me. Okay?"

  I hugged him, hard. Then we double-checked that Grundleshanks was settled in and the seat belt would hold. One last hug and I was off.

  I could barely see the road through my tears.

  As I slowly drove down the street, Gus sprinted until he was running alongside Zed. He pounded on the driver side door. I stopped and rolled down the window.

  "Hey, I have an idea, why don't you come back to Los Angeles with him when this whole quest thing is over? Not that I'm gonna miss you or anything. I mean, I never liked you that much to begin with."

  I laughed through my tears. "Like I want to see your freakish Greek face. Why do you think I'm leaving?"

  "Unrequited love. You're so hot for me, you have to run three thousand miles away to get away from my charisma."

  "It's not your charisma, it's your B.O. You do know that soap's not just for decorative purposes, right?"

  Gus propped his arm on Zed and leaned in my open window. "Hey, why do you think Greeks invented olive oil?"

  "Why?"

  "To separate the men from the boys. And then we exported it to Scotland to separate the men from the sheep."

  We both laughed. It was something we had in common -- turning to bad jokes when things got too emotional.

  "When you get there, have a drink for me. Scotch. Neat. Real Scotch. None of that bourbon crap."

  "You got it." A few yards away, I could see the T-intersection leading to the main road. I looked at the cars whizzing by. "Well, this is it."

  "It's not forever. Besides, you'll make new friends, forget about me."

  "Never." I kissed him. "I love you, bro."

  "Not as much as I love you." He put his arms around me and squeezed me tight. "Now, stop it, or you're going to make me cry."

  He kissed my forehead, cheeks and lips, as a blessing. "May the Old Ones guide you on your way." With a last, teary-eyed wave, (on both our parts), he stepped away and I turned onto Vineland.

  Before I headed onto the expressway, I quickly stopped at a local 7-11 and stocked up on caffeine-loaded, energy-boosting drinks and extra B-12 supplements. B-12s were incredible for staying awake without the heart palpitations of caffeine overload.

  I was going to think positive about this entire, insane, driving a bazillion miles by myself trip and maybe, just maybe, I'd get there in one piece. Before I pulled out of the parking lot, I did a last check on Grundleshanks. He seemed happy enough.

  I misted him down with water and dropped a couple of crickets into his tank. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

  Grundleshanks looked up at me and calmly blinked.

  "Okay, I'll take that as a yes."

  As we pulled out into the street, I glanced over at him, wondering if toads ever got carsick. And if they did, how could you tell?

  Grundleshanks gave me an especially baleful look in return and I swiveled my eyes back to the road.

  Psyched up for the long drive, with the radio blasting classic rock, we settled into a routine of the vitamins and supplements Gus had put together for me, extra B-12s, caffeine overdrive, antacids, the occasional cricket for Grundleshanks and maximum speed.

  PART TWO

  A New Life

  Chapter Eighteen

  After five days of driving, I felt like I was one of the living dead, operating simply because my body was moving out of habit. However, I had made it from the mind-numbing heat of the Southwestern desert, through the incessant storms and weirdly sideways-growing trees of the Texas Panhandle and into the cool, crisp autumn of Northern Wisconsin. And I had done it all on my own. Which is a big deal for someone who normally can't handle a two-hour commute without pulling over for a nap.

  I still made way more stops than most people would. But the vitamin and supplement regime Gus had concocted for me seemed to be helping. I also embraced overnight hotel stays, endless cups of coffee and frequent gas station restroom breaks. Better safe than a statistic, right?

  But all that caffeine was taking its toll. I rubbed my stomach and popped another Tums. I had no idea how truckers and Greyhound bus drivers were able to drive straight through. I was exhausted. The fact that the trip was almost over was the only thing keeping me from total collapse. Even Grundleshanks looked like he could use some time on a stationary shelf instead of a moving SUV.

  Wisconsin was either freaking huge, or the freeway had done some weird sidewinder thing, or I was lost. I slowed down and eyeballed my map. Devils Point looked like it was half an inch away from Trinity Harbor. But I passed Trinity Harbor about four hours ago. How could half an inch be taking this long? I should have invested in a portable GPS. Although I wondered if a GPS would even work, in the middle of nowhere.

  I kept driving, kept looking around for some kind of a signpost, but there was nothing but trees.

  Unending trees.

  Followed by more trees.

  I should have gotten the damn GPS. Especially after Lyra's check came in. Even if it only sporadically worked, it would still have been better than my map-reading skills.

  When my phone rang, I jumped so hard I almost drove off the road.

  Gus.

  Gotta love his timing. I flipped the cell on in speaker mode. "I think I found the woods where Hansel and Gretel died."

  "They didn't die, they cooked the witch."

  "You stick with your fairy tales, I'll stick with mine."

  "It can't be that bad. You're getting cell reception."

  "Yay, me." The road turned to the left and dipped through a hollow. Up ahead, I could see hawks circling. "Whatever happened to commerce, industry and civilization completely assimilating the wild spaces?"

  "Not everywhere is L.A., Toto. In every life a little wilderness must fall."

  "Which is normally defined by a stretch of road without any Starbucks. Not this unending nature crap."

  "Urban witches." Gus snorted.

  "All I'm sayin', is I like my jungles with a little bit of neon."

  "You're the only person in the entire country who misses concrete. Repeat after me. Trees are a good thing. Woods, trees, plants, lack of air pollution."

  I rolled my eyes. "Yes, I know. Trees help u
s breathe and shelter us from the sun. Yay, trees. Yay, mind-melding with dryads."

  "That's better."

  "But they don't offer zero percent interest with no payments for a year."

  "Don't make me slap you."

  I looked around. The forests were full of shadows. "I would hate to get lost out here. Way too many places for a hockey-masked, chainsaw-wielding, serial killer to hide."

  He sighed. "You obviously didn't get out of Hollywood soon enough. Now, knock it off before you corrupt my toad. Or I'll fly out there and take him back, for his own protection."

  "Like that's a threat? If it gets you on a plane, I'll serenade Grundleshanks daily with Odes to Strip Malls." I glanced down at my gas gauge. A quarter of a tank. Thank the Gods I was driving a hybrid, or I'd be sweating finding a gas station. "Hey, Zed has been a lifesaver. I'm actually getting four hundred and seventy miles between fill-ups."

  "You're welcome. Sally sends her regards."

  "You better be taking care of my baby."

  "If taking care of means selling on eBay, she's in great hands."

  "Gus! Tell me you're kidding!" Just then, an eagle, large and majestic, glided over the treetops. "Holy crap, they have eagles out here. Man, that was cool."

  "Go ahead, rub it in. Not bad enough I lose my best friend, but now I'm missing out on eagles."

  "Awww, that's sweet. Am I your best friend?"

  "I was talking about the toad."

  "Bastard. I'll send you a photo."

  "Screw the photo. I already have photos of Grundleshanks. Send me an eagle feather."

  "I thought that was illegal."

  "If you stumble across an eagle feather on the side of the road, you're not gonna pick it up?"

  "Okay, well... You have a point. I'll see what I can do."

  "Hey, you taking those vitamins and supplements I gave you?"

  I sighed. "Yes, dad." And I had been. Religiously. Even though it was kind of a pain to keep track of what I was supposed to take when and I didn't know what half of it was supposed to be for. St. John's Wort, magnesium, vervain, melatonin, evening primrose, 5-HTP, CoQ10, cat's claw, DHEA, blah, blah, blah. One of these days I was going to look them all up on the internet, but as long as they kept working, I would keep taking them.