Somebody Tell Aunt Tillie She's Dead (Toad Witch Series, Book One)

by Christiana Miller

  "Definite temperature drop." He said into his camera mic.

  "Just watch where you're going. I don't want you to be so into taping what's going on, you fall down the stairs."

  The camera swung over and Paul focused on me.

  "Knock it off!" I said, putting a hand over my face. "Focus on the ghosts. Not me!"

  He laughed. "Do you know how many people think they have ghosts? It's usually something that can be explained away by science."

  "Then get ready to have your world blown apart." I muttered.

  "Hey! Look at that..." He said, pointing to the infrared monitor screen on his camera. "Isn't it amazing what you can see, using a digital? My still camera picks up things like this all the time, but I haven't quite figured out what causes it yet."

  I looked at the monitor. There were red, green and white spirit balls zipping through the screen. More than I'd ever seen before. "I hate to burst your non-believing bubble, Paul, but those are spirit balls. Proof ghosts exist. Just what you were looking for."

  "Or an interesting and amusing trick of the light."

  "What light? It's dark down here."

  "You know what I mean."

  "Not really." I opened the door to the secret room. "But if you think that's cool, you ain't seen nothin' yet."

  In the middle of utter blackness, the skull gleamed white, practically glowing on the altar. I turned on the camping lantern, so I could see where I was going, and Paul focused his camera on the altar as we walked closer. "Wow."

  "The first time I touched the skull, I swear I saw a face shimmer across the bone."

  "Oh, yeah?" He reached out to pick up the skull.

  I grabbed his arm. "Wait! Don't do that."

  "Why not?"

  "It's not safe."

  "Really? In case you haven't noticed, I'm a grown man. I don't think I need a girl to protect me from a skull."

  I dropped my hand. "Fine. But don't blame me if you start having erotic dreams about a long-dead, bald, tattooed man."

  "Are you kidding me? After what we just did, you're back at the gay thing?"

  "No! Nope, not me. Not at all. I'm just..."

  "What? Telling me about your personal fantasies? Are you saying I should shave my head?" He laughed and placed his hand on the skull.

  Suddenly his body convulsed as if he was having an epileptic seizure.

  "Paul!"

  He fell to the ground, eyes rolled back in his head.

  "Paul! Are you all right?! Paul?!" I felt for a pulse.

  He stood up and threw me off of him. Preternaturally strong. My body sailed across the room, hit the wall and slid onto the floor.

  When I could breathe again, I slowly rolled onto my side, aching and bruised all over. Paul lay on his side, next to me, his hand stroking my face.

  "Paul?" I looked at him and my blood turned ice-cold. His eyes seemed to be rotating in different directions. "Are you all right? Should I call a doctor?"

  "That will not be necessary," said Paul's voice -- but not his voice. It was like his voicebox had become its own echo chamber and his voice resonated on multiple levels.

  "You're not Paul." I whispered.

  "No, my love. And I have you to thank. I have been waiting for so long. I hope I didn't hurt you."

  "Lucien?" I asked, hazarding a guess.

  "Yes, my love. I appreciate your sacrifice. I could not have chosen a better body myself."

  "What? I didn't... I'm not... He's not your body. You can't keep him. And I'm not your love."

  He roared with laughter and every hair on my body stood on end. "I feel so strong. Do you know how many centuries I've waited to get my strength back? I don't know what to do with myself. I want to squeeze you until I break you in half. It would be as easy as picking a flower."

  "Wait! No," I squeaked. "Whatever happened to 'my love' I think I liked that better."

  He laughed, amused. His body was so much bigger than mine. I didn't remember his body being that wide. When I looked at his body again, I realized it wasn't. His body wasn't actually touching the ground. He may have been laying down, but his body was hovering a good two inches above the floor.

  Chapter Forty-One

  "Oh my God, are you levitating?" I climbed on top of him, tried to use my own body to pin his down. As I looked at him, I could see Lucien's tattoos settle over Paul's skin. "Stop that right now and give me Paul back." I hissed.

  Instead, he stood up, shaking me off as easily as if I was a fly. Standing, his feet were still about half an inch above the floor. "We will be together again, soon," he whispered in that bizarre, echo-y voice, as he half-walked, half-glided out of the room.

  I ran up the stairs after him. "Lucien, wait! You can't abduct my boyfriend like that. That body belongs to me."

  But when I got to the kitchen, the back door was wide open and Lucien was gone. Did he go into the woods? Or down the road? It was pitch black out and impossible to see.

  "Lucien! Where are you?" I hollered into the night.

  But all I heard was the sound of crickets. Paul's car was still in the driveway. But his body was AWOL. And there were no footprints to follow.

  Damn it. What had I done!?

  The next morning, there was a knock on the back door. I opened it to find a mud-covered Paul, dirt and twigs in his hair, his nails torn and dirty. At least he wasn't levitating any more.

  "Thank God. I was about to call the police. Did you spend the night in the woods? Weren't you freezing?"

  He smiled, sheepish. "A hot shower would be really good right now."

  I gave him a long look. "And how many people will be inhabiting my shower? One or two?"

  "Depends. Are you showering with me?"

  I shook my head. "Just checking. You weren't quite yourself when you left."

  "Yeah. That was weird, huh? What the hell was that about? I'm thinking I shouldn't do my own mushroom picking anymore."

  That sounded like the Paul who had gone with me down into cellar, not the one who had gone back up. "All right. Get in the shower. I'll make you breakfast."

  "You're the best." He said, kissing me on the cheek. "I'm starving." And he trotted up the stairs.

  On the cheek? We went from hot sex to granny kisses? Okay, well, I may have been responsible for his having been possessed by a demon last night, but still...

  I made a fresh pot of coffee and started cooking up a veggie and cheese omelette. Soon, Paul was back down, wet, shiny, new and smell-o-licious. He was wearing one of Tillie's robes and it was ultra short on him. Although, I have to admit, I really appreciated the view of his muscular thighs as well as the barest hint of his well-toned butt-cheeks.

  "You smell yummy," I told him. "You look ridiculous, but you smell great."

  "Considering how many delectable smells are coming out of this kitchen, I'll take that as a compliment." He set out plates and silverware as if he'd lived with me for years.

  I kept watching him, to see if Lucien would pop back up, but he seemed back to normal. Maybe there was some truth to the superstition that things that went bump, only went bump in the night.

  After breakfast, he took a small box out of the pocket of Tillie's robe and handed it to me. "For you."

  I opened it up. It was a beautiful pendant, a Tudor rose with a ruby inset. "Where did you get this? It's beautiful."

  "We all have our secrets. You like it?"

  "Like it? I love it."

  He got up and fastened it around my neck.

  "It looks so familiar though. Where have I seen it before?" All of a sudden, I realized. It was Lisette's necklace -- the one in the painting. The blood drained from my face.

  "I see you remembered where it was from," he laughed, in that same, cold, echoing voice of the night before.

  Lucien.

  Lucien was back.

  I tried to pull the necklace off, but it tightened around my throat, choking me. I was having a hard time breathing.

  "What did you do? Spend the nigh
t digging up her grave?" I gasped, barely getting the words out.

  He laughed.

  My body went rigid and spasmed as an entity tried to shove my spirit aside and enter my body. I fought it as hard as I could.

  Sweat poured off me, blinding me, as I tried to push the entity out. I vomited my breakfast out on the kitchen floor, my body went into seizures, and then the entity was in.

  When Lisette took over my body, it was like she grabbed my spirit and sat it up on a tree stump, where I could watch what was going on, but she was firmly in charge of the flesh.

  She turned to Lucien. "We have so much to get caught up on, my love." Lisette ran her hands over Lucien's new body. "It's not as good as the original, but it'll do." She sniffed and her nose wrinkled up. "What is that rancid smell?"

  Lucien laughed. "Your descendant had an accident. I will clean it up."

  He grabbed some paper towels and cleaned up the mess. I had to hand it to him -- he seemed to have adapted to the modern world quite well. Either he was a quick study, or he had completely assimilated Paul.

  "What do you wish do to first, my queen?"

  "A hot bath seems in order. And then..." Lisette looked around. "What have I missed the most? Mmmm... Food. That coffee smells wonderful. And hot baths..." She looked him over. "And then there's you." She held open her arms. "You are what I've missed the most."

  He carefully picked her up in his arms and carried her to the master bedroom.

  He laid her on the bed and slowly undressed her. "Close your eyes, my love. I will prepare your bath and return anon. Why fulfill one of your fantasies, when I can give you two?"

  She leaned back on the bed and closed her eyes. And mine, as well. All I could see was darkness for a time. And then suddenly, I was in a weird, surrealistic world, where a bear was dancing with a fox and Lisette was flying overhead on a broom. This was her dream. I was in her dreams. I wondered if I could affect her dreams? Wouldn't that be cool? Maybe I could take control of my body back while she was unconscious?

  But all too soon, Lucien was back and Lisette woke up. He carried her to the bathroom. It was gorgeous in there. Not only had he drawn a hot bath, but the tub was full of rose petals. The water was smooth and silky, with a hint of rose oil, and the room was ringed with candles.

  He gently laid Lisette in the tub and slowly washed her hair. "I have so missed these physical things. The silkiness of your hair, the softness of your skin."

  "I am sorry, Lucien. I should never... I thought I would have you in a new body in a matter of days, I never thought it would take centuries. If I had known..."

  "Hush, my love. You did what we had agreed on. And now we're together again."

  "Yes," she sighed. "We are."

  "Hey? Hello?! This is unacceptable. I'm fine with you two getting together for little trysts now and then, but you can NOT be planning a long-term visit. This is MY body." I protested.

  "Hush up," Lisette snarled.

  "Excuse me?"

  "Not you, love. My progeny seems to have an opinion about this body belonging to her."

  "That will fade."

  "Thank the Gods. By the next dark moon, these bodies will be ours."

  I had no idea what she was talking about, but none of it sounded any good. What were they planning? And did that mean that Paul and I had until the dark moon to get our bodies back? That was what, in two weeks?

  Lisette sighed and reached up, lacing her fingers behind Lucien's neck. "And we'll be together, for eternity."

  He bent forward and they kissed.

  How could I ever have thought either of them were to be pitied? I felt so betrayed. And stupid. I bet Tillie was doing an "I told you so" dance in her vase. Damn it.

  After Lucien bathed Lisette, he dried her off and carried her to the bed. I thought the sex between me and Paul had been hot, but it was nothing, compared to the mind-blowing sex between Lisette and Lucien. I was able watch and share her feelings and sensations. I just wasn't able to do anything that affected my body.

  And if I thought I was sexually free, Lisette was a total freak. She went places I would never go. And they kept it up, all night long. I tried to stop her when it got painful, but really, I had pretty nonexistent body control.

  "Hey," I nudged her. "What's going on? When you said we'll be together for eternity, do you mean all four of us? Or just the two of you? We can't keep sharing this body forever, can we? And if you get the bodies, what happens to Paul and me? Where do our spirits go?"

  "Shut up," she hissed.

  Lucien looked at her.

  "Not you, darling."

  She returned to what she was doing and I continued to watch, fascinated. I didn't even know men liked something like that. But Lucien was writhing with ecstasy. I wondered if Paul was trapped inside his body the way I was -- a spectator, powerless to stop anything.

  I also wondered if we'd get more adept at manipulating our bodies, the longer we were trapped within them, or if we'd lose what tenuous grasp we had and be left floating through the ether, as disembodied spirits. Could Lisette and Lucien really stay forever? What kind of options I was looking at, realistically?

  "Would you please be quiet?" That was Lisette's voice hissing through my head.

  Damn. She could hear me. I needed to learn how to shield my thoughts -- and pretty damn fast.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Within days, Lucien was able to access enough of Paul's mind to be able to drive. Which gave me some hair-raising moments, but he and Lisette seemed to be having a blast with it. Fortunately, Lucien's idea of fast and my idea of fast were two different things. I guess when your only experience with forward movement is either your feet or a horse, whipping down the road at 50 m.p.h. is the height of daredevil speed.

  I was trying to keep my thoughts quiet, while still keeping my mind open, to try and eavesdrop on Lisette's thoughts. But no matter how hard I tried to achieve stillness, the best I could do was distract my thoughts for a few minutes. I really should have studied meditation when I had the chance. Gus was big on meditating. He tried to do at least one hour a day. I guess I just figured he could do the meditating for both of us. Too bad it doesn't work that way.

  After a week of eating, sex, TV watching, more sex, and racing up and down the road, they ran out of food. So they took the SUV down to the Trading Post.

  "How much things have changed." Lisette remarked to Lucien. "Look at me. I'm wearing trousers and..." She nudged me with a mental image of her shoes.

  "Blue jeans," I corrected. "And you're wearing gym shoes."

  "Yes, blue jeans and gym shoes and no one gives me a second glance. We can stand in the middle of town, holding hands and kissing, and not have to worry about a lynch mob."

  "We had to wait a long time to come back, my love," Lucien said. "But it's been worth the wait. It seems we've been gifted with a most opportune time."

  "Okay, but these aren't your bodies. You're not back, you're stealing time. And you're stealing flesh. You're nothing more than common criminals. Is that the legacy you want to leave me?"

  "Hush up," Lisette thought back at me, annoyed. "Or I will squash you like a mosquito."

  When Lisette and Lucien got to the Trading Post, J.J. was practicing his guitar.

  "That's lovely," Lisette said, flirting with him.

  Oh, dear Gods, don't let her get a hankering for J.J.

  "I will take whomever I please," she hissed back at me.

  "He's just a kid." But I could feel her interest grow, the more protective I got. She really could be a vindictive bitch.

  So I immediately and abruptly stopped all thoughts in that direction and tried a different tack. "He's disgusting and he stinks. But if that's the best you can do with men who aren't under your spell, like Lucien is, well I guess beggars can't be choosers. Have at it."

  J.J. looked up. "Thanks. It's a new song. I just wrote it." He noticed that Lucien/Paul's arm was firmly around Lisette's/my waist. "So you two hooked up, huh? How's th
at going?"

  "Hooked up?"

  "Dating each other. Paul and I weren't a couple last time he saw us," my thoughts answered her before I could stop them.

  "Oh, yes. We hooked up. Wonderful, isn't it?" Lisette smiled broadly at J.J.

  "Are you okay? You're acting a little off." J.J. said. He raised an eyebrow. "Everything okay with you and the ghosts?"

  I could feel Lisette panic and poke at me, so I thought about fields of daisies.

  "You little bitch, don't screw with me or I'll make you regret it." She hissed in my head.

  She smiled at J.J., "Yes, everything's fine. We just came in to pick up..." She cast her eyes around for something and landed on the local newspaper. "This." She said, putting the paper on the counter.

  "Fifty cents."

  I felt her sharp intake of breath more than heard it. I guess fifty cents was a lot of money to someone who was born four centuries ago. But Lucien was on top of it. I wish I knew if Paul was more forthcoming with information than I was, or if Lucien had completely absorbed him.

  I had a sudden image of a single red rose on Paul's snow-covered grave and the thought of that almost paralyzed me. We had to get our bodies back before we lost them completely.

  "Do you know what would be nice?" Lisette said to Lucien, "I would like a rose. A single, perfect, red rose."

  Whoa. Did she get that from me?

  "Whatever you want my love." Lucien kissed her hand.

  "Okay, you two are weirding me out, so knock off the PDAs."

  "Public display of affection," I supplied to Lisette before she poked at me again.

  "If you want flowers, you should go check out the florist on the other side of town," J.J. said. "You can get a dozen roses for fifteen bucks."

  I felt Lisette stiffen. The thought of paying for flowers must really chap her hide.

  "Hey, if you get just one though, with the baby's breath, it'll look great in that vase you bought."

  It was my turn to stiffen. I relaxed and tried to focus on breathing and nothingness. Last thing I wanted was Lisette knowing that Aunt Tillie was captive in the vase. I had a feeling Lisette's revenge could transcend the flesh and, regardless of how bitchy and homicidal she had been, I didn't want to do that to Aunt Tillie.