Silver Lining

by E. J. Shortall

  Shaking my head, I stand on my unsteady legs and without looking at either of them, I start to walk toward my room. “No, I’m good. I think I’ll just take a long hot bath and then go to bed.” Stopping at the doorway, I pause for a moment then turn around. This time, I do look up at Scott and then over to Becki. “Thank you,” I whisper before heading off to the bathroom.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  The skin on my fingers is all wrinkled, the water is cold, and the bubbles have long since disappeared, but I’m still lying here in the bathtub. I just keep going over and over in my mind what happened.

  Why did I let David in? I should have just told him to go to hell.

  Did I lead him on some way? He came here to apologise. I must have given him some sign that it was okay for him to do what he did.

  He still loves me? He wants me back? I don’t really know how to process that. A few weeks ago, I would have been ecstatic. After all, there is a part of me hidden deep that still loves him and probably always will. After his recent actions, I realise it was all just words, though. Who does what he has to someone they supposedly love?

  Besides, I have Craig now.

  Oh no, Craig. How do I explain this to him? He’ll definitely not want to know me now; no one wants soiled goods.

  Oh Craig.

  After all the emotions I’ve been through tonight, the thought of Craig not wanting me anymore is more than I can bear. A tugging on my chest makes me gasp, and the tears begin to flow again. Huge, gut wrenching sobs leave me struggling to breath.

  “Amber, let me in,” Becki calls from the other side of the bathroom door, sounding panicked. I suck in a deep breath in an attempt to contain my hysteria, but can’t speak. I shake my head, even though I know she can’t see me. “Amber, please… Please let me in,” she begs.

  When I’ve finally managed to control the tears for a moment, I try to reassure her that I’m okay. “I’m okay, Bec. I’m just finishing up,” I manage in a quiet voice, between sobs.

  “Are you sure? I can come in if you want… I want to help, Ambs… I want to make it all better…” she trails off, and I can hear her own sobs muffled through the door.

  “Come on, Bec. Leave her be. We’ll be here when she’s ready.” I hear Scott saying quietly as he presumably takes her back to the living room or her bedroom.

  A few minutes later, I pull out the plug and drag myself out of the tub. Reaching for the stack of towels, I gasp when I notice the angry purple marks around my wrist. I move my gaze from my wrists to my breasts and gasp again. “No, no, no,” I cry out. “Why would he do this to me?” Not only do I have marks on my wrists, but I also have the makings of some very nasty bruises on my breasts, obviously from where David was groping me so hard.

  I dry off and cover myself with my robe, yanking the belt tightly around my waist, trying to forget the bruises, and trying to forget the whole incident.

  When I step out of the bathroom, I hear quiet voices and the occasional sob coming from the living room. Standing just out of eyesight, beside the doorway, I stop and listen.

  “Bec, you’re just going to have to give her time. I’m sure she’ll be fine.”

  “I’m not so sure, Scott. You didn’t see her at her worst when he called off the wedding. She was a wreck. This will break her.”

  “Babe, she’s stronger than you think.”

  “I know she is, but I also know she’ll be beating herself up over this. She’ll think it was her fault. She’ll close off.”

  “Then that’s when you and I come in. We’ll help her open up again. And Craig.”

  “Oh My God, Craig! I totally forgot about him. You should call him. You need to tell him. He needs to be here to support her.”

  “No you don’t!” I shout and hurry into the living room. “Don’t you fucking dare call him.” I feel the panic ripping through me. “He can’t know. Please. You can’t. Don’t tell him. He’ll hate me. You can’t.” The words are tumbling out at a million miles a minute, but I can’t stop them. They can’t tell him. They can’t.

  Becki jumps to her feet and runs to give me a big hug just before my knees give out, and I tumble to the ground. Lowering to the ground together, she hugs me hard. We sit crying on each other’s shoulders for several minutes before she eventually pulls back and searches my tear stained face.

  “What do you want to do, Amber? What can I do?”

  “Right now, I just want to sleep. I’m so tired,” I say quietly. She nods, and before I can say anything else, Scott leans down to pick me up and carries me to my room. I don’t even have the energy to protest.

  In my room, Becki pulls my duvet back, and Scott places me gently on the bed. “Thanks, but I could have walked,” I whisper. He gives me a small smile then turns and walks out, closing the door behind him and leaving Becki and me alone.

  She steps over to my dresser and picks something up, then walks back to me and climbs onto the bed. “Sit up a minute,” she commands. I look at her confused, and she lifts my hair brush into my view.

  I pull myself up and throw my legs over the side of the mattress, and she settles in behind me. Taking the clip out that I’d used to keep my hair up and out of the bath water, Becki starts to gently pull the brush through my long blonde waves.

  “You know I’m here for you right? We’re all here for you.” I nod and keep my head bent forward. “But you really need to tell Craig, Ambs. How do you think he’s going to feel when he finds out?”

  I twist abruptly to look at her, panic rising again. “I can’t, Bec. He’ll hate me. He’ll be disgusted by me. I’m only just getting to know him. I can’t lose him, not yet.”

  “He won’t hate you, Ambs. He’ll want to know. He’ll want to support you.”

  “I can’t take that chance.”

  She nods with a sigh and gestures for me to turn around so she can finish brushing my hair.

  When my hair is done and I’m snuggled under my duvet, Becki turns to leave but stops when she reaches the door. “I love you, Ambs. You’re my best friend, and it’s killing me to see you so upset. I wish I could do something to make it all better. I want to kill him for doing this to you.” She opens the door and leaves.

  After lying in the quiet darkness for what feels like an eternity with sleep evading me, I reach over to the bedside table for the remote to my stereo system. Switching it on, I set it to shuffle and settle back into bed with the hopes that some music will help me fall asleep.

  The iPod switches to “Jar Of Hearts” by Christina Perri. It’s a haunting song of being scarred by a previous love and moving on with life, forgetting him and his cheating, egotistical ways and never taking him back. Thinking about this song and “Penguin” and how the two songs are so at odds with each other, I find my eyes welling up with tears for what David has done to me, and for Craig and what had been growing between us. I wish Craig were here with me now, comforting me, reassuring me that everything will be all right.

  ***

  I wake with a start the next morning, feeling a strange sense of detachment. I usually wake with the alarm shrieking in my ears and jump straight out of bed and into the shower. This morning, I’m awake before the alarm has even gone off and just lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. Did last night really happen? I turn my head to look at my wrist resting on the pillow beside my head. The bruises are even darker this morning, confirming without a shadow of doubt that David had indeed tried to ra... attacked me last night. With a heavy sigh, I turn to resume my staring position and that’s when I notice my phone flashing beside the bed.

  Reaching over to pick it up, I see I have five unread text messages.

  Craig: Hi Pingu. Hvn’t heard from u all day. How was your day? C x

  Craig: Everything ok baby? C x

  Craig: Call me when u can C x

  Craig: Guess you’re busy? Nite baby C x

  As if Craig’s messages weren’t enough to bring tears to my eyes, the next one is like a sucker punch to the gut.

/>   David: I’m so sorry Ambs. I couldn’t help myself. I still love you. Please forgive me. Let me explain.

  Choking back a sob, I hurl the phone across the room and hear it clatter to the floor and skim across the wood.

  How on earth am I going to get through the day?

  Somehow, I manage to drag myself from my bed and get ready for work. Becki pleads with me to take the day off, but I can’t sit at home moping all day. My students need me, and I need the distraction of them.

  ***

  As the final bell of the day rings, and my students file out of the room, I fall back into my chair and drop my head onto my folded arms on the desk. It has been a long day. I look at my wrists, which are covered by a long sleeved blouse with tight ruching at the cuffs to hide the bruises. I’m so upset, angry and confused about what happened last night, but can I really let David maintain that level of control over me still?

  As I walk back to my office, I decide that as long as David stays far, far away from me, I have to put the past behind me and move forward. The emotional scars of last night will stay with me for a long time, but they will eventually fade. When they do, I want to be a much stronger, more confident woman. What he did could have been a lot worse, and I’m eternally grateful that Becki and Scott came home when they did.

  ***

  The flat is quiet when I get in, and I’m thankful for the alone time. I’m positive Becki will be on my case as soon as she gets in, wanting reassurance that I’m okay and flapping about like an overprotective gran. I love her to bits, but she can be a little too intense at times, especially when all you want to do is chill out and forget.

  “Oh good, you’re home,” Becki’s chirpy voice surprises me as I head toward the kitchen to put some coffee on. “And look who I have with me.”

  Becki is standing in the hallway with Craig just behind her. I wasn’t expecting to see him today. In fact I was hoping for longer so I could try and pull my head together. Looking into his eyes, I offer a weak smile and an even weaker, “Hi.”

  Becki looks at me with sympathetic eyes. “I’m just going to, um…” she points in the direction of her bedroom. “You have to tell him, Ambs. I’m here if you need me,” she mouths to me before turning and walking off.

  When Becki has gone and we hear her door close, Craig ambles over to me, standing right in front of me. He’s staring at me with his beautiful face and piercing green eyes. “You didn’t return my texts or call back. Is everything okay?”

  Swallowing, I give him a slight nod of my head and take a step away from him. I’m worried that my emotions will betray me, and I might let slip that no, I’m not really okay, but I’m working on changing that. “Um, I was just going to make coffee. Would you like one?” I busy myself with the coffee machine and anything else I can put my hands on. Anything but have to look and deal with Craig.

  “Amber. Stop. Look at me.” Craig’s deep commanding voice stops me in my tracks. “Turn around and look at me, baby.”

  I feel him move up behind me. He places his hands on the counter on either side of me, caging me in. Having him so close is scrambling my already fragile emotions, and I can’t think, can’t breathe. My hands are shaking, my eyes are closed, and I’m trying so hard to hold back the tears that threaten to spill.

  “Amber, turn around,” Craig repeats. I take a deep breath and slowly turn until I’m standing face to face with him.

  I breathe in his now familiar, comforting scent, feeling instantly calmer. I instinctively reach out to place my hands on his hips and grip tightly, grounding myself with his presence. Craig moves his hands to rest on my lower back, drawing me in tightly to his hard, muscular frame. “I missed you, Pingu.” He breathes against my hair.

  “I missed you too,” I whisper and press into him closer.

  He tilts my head back and dips forward to lower his mouth to mine. His lips are soft and warm and welcoming, and I rejoice in the gentle way he rubs them across mine before lightly licking and sucking. When I open up to him, and he slips his tongue inside exploring, caressing, worshipping, I respond with my own eagerness, tangling his tongue with mine.

  Enjoying the feeling of having him back in my arms, I raise my hands into his hair and push closer into him. His hands move from my back, leisurely stroking them around my hips, and up along my sides.

  When he gently brushes across my breasts, I stiffen and immediately pull away. Memories of David’s hands on me overwhelm and frighten me. I turn away from him, needing the space between us and not wanting him to see the apprehension and fear on my face.

  “Amber?” I hear the confusion and frustration in Craig’s voice.

  “Did you want one?” I ask with a shaky voice, waving a mug in the air.

  “No. I want you to talk to me,” Craig’s voice is strained. “What’s going on, Amber?”

  I remain looking forward, too scared of what he’ll see on my face if I look at him. “Nothing’s going on. Why?” Even I can hear the quaking in my voice.

  “Because you won’t look at me, you don’t return my texts, and when I do get you in my arms, you pull away like I’ve burned you. I know when something is off, Amber. If this is about Sunday still, I said I was sorry.”

  Using the cup cradled between both hands for protection, I turn to face him. “I’m fine, Craig. Just tired I guess. And really hungry. Shall we order in Chinese as you’re here?” I take a sip of my drink and lean back against the counter, trying to appear casual and at ease when I feel far from it.

  Craig lets out a defeated sigh and leans back against the opposite counter. “Sure, why not.”

  “Great. Can you order while I go and freshen up?” I put my cup down and push away from the counter, handing him the menu as I walk past him toward my bedroom.

  In my room, I deliberate what to change into. I don’t have another top that will hide my bruises as well as this one does, so I decide to keep it on and just swap my pencil skirt and heels for comfy jeans and bare feet. I’m just running my brush through my hair when Craig knocks and barges in before I can answer.

  “You didn’t say what you wanted, so I just ordered a selection,” he says and comes up behind me, watching me through the mirror.

  “Perfect. I’m sure whatever you ordered will be great.” I smile at him.

  Craig suddenly grabs me around the waist, causing me to stiffen and shriek in surprise. He walks us backwards a few paces to the bed then sits down and pulls me onto his lap, nuzzling into my neck. “I don’t know what’s up with you, but I want you to either talk to me or just relax.”

  I do need to try and relax, but it’s difficult. I hate this feeling of keeping things from him, but every time he touches me, I remember David. I’m also terrified of what he’ll do if he finds out what happened.

  He pushes my hair away from my neck and starts to nibble his way up, his stubble leaving a burning sensation behind. “I’ve missed you, Amber. I can’t concentrate at work. Home feels lonely and quiet. Even out running, all I can think of is you. So please, baby, don’t shut me out. Tell me what’s going on.”

  Oh God. I can’t, Craig. I can’t.

  He leans back so he’s lying flat on the bed with me against his chest, and then wraps his arms tightly around me. Before I know it, he has rolled us over so that I’m beneath him. He braces himself up on his elbows, and stares down, searching my eyes. “Don’t shut me out,” he whispers again before devouring me with an all-consuming kiss that leaves me breathless and free of all thoughts and fears.

  Deepening the kiss, Craig slowly trails one hand down my body toward my waist, and before I register what he’s doing, my top is being stripped upwards. I tense and start trembling when it clears my chest area. When there’s no reaction from Craig, I begin to relax, thankful that the bra I have on must be covering the bruises. I need to enjoy this moment before he finds out what happened and doesn’t want me anymore.

  With my top bunched up around my neck, Craig moves up the bed to start kissing along my
neck, biting gently on the sensitive area below my ear. He carries on over my collarbone, finally stopping on flesh just above my breasts.

  When I tense again and try to wriggle away, Craig lifts his head and pierces me with those striking eyes of his. I know what’s coming and I want to tell him to stop. I want him to get off me. I want for him to not do what he’s about to do and expose my marks of shame, but I’m struck frozen. Numb. I swallow and try to speak, but nothing comes out. I try to move my arm, but they’re like lead pinned above my head. I try to kick my legs, but they remain weighted down on the mattress. All I can do is stare into his eyes, hazel to deep dark green, pleading for him to stop.

  As if sensing my turmoil, Craig doesn’t move to my bra as I expect, but instead brings both hands to the hem of my top and lifts it over my head, slowly drawing it along my arms until it’s finally free. The light in my room is dim, and with my hands above my head and partially buried under the pillows, I pray he can’t see the dark marks around my wrists.

  And he doesn’t… until he kisses his way from my shoulder along my upper arm, over my elbow, along my forearm, “What the fuck?” Craig is suddenly sitting bolt upright, pulling my right wrist in for a closer inspection. “Amber, what happened to your wrist?” He’s looking at me with worry in his eyes, stroking his thumb in small circles over the bruising.

  “It’s nothing, Craig. Don’t worry about it,” I whisper and try to pull my arm away, but he holds it firm.

  “How is this nothing, Amber? Look at them. You don’t end up with bruising like that from nothing.” He grabs my left wrist to look at that too.

  “Please, Craig,” I plead. “Please just leave it. It doesn’t hurt. I’m fine.”

  “You expect me to just ignore this?” He lifts my wrists to emphasise his point. “Amber, I have all sorts of things going through my head right now, so please just tell me what the fuck is going on. Please.” His voice is getting louder with each word spoken.

  Why is he so mad at me? I’ve done nothing wrong. I’m the injured party here.