Breathe

by Ani San

  I had to spend the night before they let me go home. And Alice moved in with me the first few days to make sure I ate and drank and breathe. I ate on autopilot, not because I was hungry, but because Alice watched me every second of the day, and she threatened to call Alfred every time I didn’t finish a meal. Everything tasted like sawdust.

  I refused to leave the apartment, so Alice did the shopping for me. I refused to have the TV on, in case they said something about Christopher and me, so she kept me company by telling me about what the others where getting up to, and what her new job was like. I had been so wrapped up in my own bobble, that I hadn’t even known she had started with Managing Studios. Apparently, they had asked her to start earlier, so our backpacking plans were off. Which was fine with me. I didn’t care.

  After the second day, we touched the sensitive subject, when she told me that it was safe to leave the house, nobody knew who I was, and the story died out because there weren’t any proof. I was relieved about that, but I still didn’t want to go outside. I tried going to the studio to paint once, but saw the horse painting and the backside of Christopher’s portrait, and ran back out again. I couldn’t handle thinking about him or our trip. Alice had looked at me funny, but hadn’t commented on it. She was being a really good friend. But I could tell she was getting fed up babysitting. I had to make her believe everything was ok, so she could go home. They had called her several times from work, she was missing a lot of hours, which wasn’t a smart move when you’re the new girl. I finally got her to leave by giving her the spare key card Christopher obviously had left when he came by the last time.

  The next few weeks were spent in a monotonous routine. Alice came by with food, because I still refused to go outside. She brought Kiro once, but that had been awkward, because he reminded me of Andrew, who reminded me of Christopher. I didn’t need that. I tried really hard not to think about Christopher. I knew he had sent me a text among all the other ones I ignored while I was “sick”. I deleted it without reading it. He had called me once too, but I didn’t return it. I didn’t need his anger. Alice had told me that they where in the Bahamas on holiday, she had even brought me the newspaper in case I wanted see the pictures. She only wanted me to know that everything was normal in the real world, she didn’t realise that I loved him, and that seeing him with Julia was like getting my stomach stabbed. I threw the paper in the bin without a glance. Alice kept bringing me food, and then checks the freezer to see if I ate enough. She kept threatening me with Alfred. I started to make myself larger meals and then throw most of it out. I spent my days on the couch staring in the air trying not to think. Whenever Alice asked me, I told her I had spent the day painting. But I couldn’t make myself go in there again.

  I was tired all the time, because every time I tried to sleep, the huskies attacked, and I would wake in panic. But I was getting by. I could have the TV on now, if I had the remote in hand in case I saw something I wasn’t ready to see. And I had almost gone for a run one day, making it as far as the downstairs hall. One step at a time, right?

  Apparently, my progress wasn’t fast enough for Alice. It was the end of July, and she was bringing me food and saw that my freezer was full. I had forgotten to throw away some.

  ‘That’s it, Sara. I’m fed up. I’m calling Alfred, so he can come and shake some sense in to you, because I have had it.’

  ‘I’m doing my best. You are not calling Alfred. I’m fine.’

  ‘You’re not fine. You’re fading away. I can’t help you anymore, I’m calling Alfred.’

  ‘No, you’re not. He is not my father, this doesn’t concern him.’

  ‘Well, if you give me your fathers’ number, then I will call him and let him shake some sense in to you.’

  ‘I’m not a baby. I can take care of myself.’

  ‘Oh, is that why I have to bring you food?’

  ‘You don’t have to bring me anything. I never asked you to.’

  ‘And if I didn’t, would you go out and get it your self?’

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘When was the last time you were outside that door?’

  ‘The day before yesterday. I went for a jog.’

  ‘Ha. I talked to Frank. He said you came downstairs, and then ran back upstairs before he had a chance to even greet you.’

  ‘You know, this place is supposed to value discretion.’

  ‘He is worried about you, Sara. And so am I. Petrelli isn’t worth it. You need to wake up and realise that.’

  ‘I know. I’m getting there.’

  ‘Do you know he is still enjoying him self in Bahamas while you lock yourself in here?’

  I didn’t need to know that. Not that it mattered. I needed to get over him anyway. But I wasn’t ready to face that.

  ‘Listen,’ Alice continued. ‘You need to get out and enjoy life. You can’t sit around in your apartment all day, it doesn’t do you any good. I’ll give you a choice: MS is hosting a premiere party tomorrow. You can come with me on that, or we can call Alfred and tell him you need help.’

  ‘I can’t go to a party, are you kidding me?’

  ‘That’s your choice. I think you need it. Get some alcohol in there, talk to some new people. Have some fun.’

  ‘It’s to soon.’

  ‘It’s not. I will come by tomorrow, and we will get ourselves ready in no time. It will be fun, just like old times.’

  She didn’t budge, and I finally had to promise I would try. She assured me I could leave as early as I wanted, as long as I managed to sit through the movie and get my ass to the party location. I would take one step inside, and then go back home. I couldn’t deal with people yet.

  Chapter 14

  «Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.»

  - Albert Einstein

  Alice had taken command over my wardrobe, and found a mini I had never worn before, because it was way too short. It was black and white in angular zebra strips. The fit was loose, and it had long arms and wide neckline that fell off the shoulders. Underneath there was a black tank top sawn to the fabric. It had looked fine at the store, but I hadn’t had time to try it on before I got home and found it too short. Instead of returning it, I had hung it in my closet and forgot about it. Now Alice insisted that I wore it with black high heels and stockings. If I bent down, my undies would show.

  ‘This isn’t worse than the Tomb Raider outfit,’ she said when I refused to put it on. Her words startled me. I didn’t want to think about that night.

  ‘That was a costume. I can’t go out like this.’

  ‘Sure you can. It shoves off your legs. And it hides the fact that you are way too thin. You need to put on some weight, girl.’

  I knew I wouldn’t get anywhere with arguing with her, and I really didn’t care, so I put it on. I wasn’t staying at the party anyway. I might as well humour her with this.

  We were putting on the last of our make-up when the caller buzzed. I looked at Alice, who looked at me. I wasn’t expecting anyone. Kiro was out of town.

  ‘Did you call Alfred?’ I asked her.

  ‘No, I promise I didn’t.’

  I went to the living room and answered. A part of me hoped for someone I shouldn’t think about. I closed my eyes as I answered.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Miss Nord. I am sorry to interrupt, but there is a gentleman here who insists he knows you and that he can go straight upstairs. He says his name is Erik and that he is your…’ I heard Frank hesitate. ‘…boyfriend.’

  My hand found the wall as I felt my legs weaken a little. Erik! Here, in London. How did he find me?

  ‘Should I tell him now is a bad time?’

  I didn’t know if that would be a good idea. It would piss him off, and now that he knew where I was, he would only try again later. I had to face him sometime. At least now I wasn’t alone. Why was he here? It had been two years since I saw him last. Now he came barging in and claiming to be my boyfriend. It’s so like him.
I took a look in the mirror.

  ‘You can send him up, Frank. But thank you for letting me know.’ Meaning; don’t ever let him up without alerting me. While I waited, I took a quick look in the mirror. My make-up was too heavy, he wouldn’t like that. I should remove it. The dress is too short. And it shows my collarbone, he is going to see that I am too thin. My hands kept twisting, and I didn’t know if I should wait in the hall, or go change. Alice came.

  ‘Who was it?’

  I didn’t remember what I had told her about Erik. I don’t think I had said much; it was an embarrassing time for me. ‘Have I told you about Erik?’

  ‘No, I don’t think so? Is it someone from Norway?’

  ‘Yes. He is my ex boyfriend. He wasn’t…’

  I didn’t get to say anymore, cause a knock came at the door. He didn’t like waiting, so I rushed to open it. Two large hands wrapped around me in a tight bear hug. I felt my lungs being squeezed. Then he held me on an arms length and took a good look at me.

  ‘God, Sara. You still look amazing.’ He spoke Norwegian, and I swallowed a lump before answering him in the same language.

  ‘Thank you, Erik. How did you find me?’

  He laughed, and a chill ran down my spline. ‘It wasn’t easy, I’ll tell you that. The idiot lawyer refused to tell me where you were staying, he told me I was bad for you. We both know that isn’t true, don’t we. Shit, Sara. I have missed you so much.’ He embraced me again, but in a comforting way that made me think of the early Erik, the good one. I had loved the good Erik. I was afraid of the bad Erik. I remembered waken every morning not knowing which Erik I would get. The days with good Erik got fewer and fewer. Maybe he had changed. Maybe staying away from me had done him good. I make people angry.

  Alice cleared her throat and interrupted the embrace. Erik hadn’t noticed her before now.

  ‘Who is this?’ he asked, still in Norwegian.

  ‘This is Alice’ I said, switching to English.

  ‘Hey, I’m Erik, Sara’s boyfriend,’ he said in stuttering English and reached to shake her hand. He smiled at her, and I could see it had an effect. Erik could be quite charming. Alice looked questionably to me, I knew she was reacting to his boyfriend-comment. I shook my head.

  ‘Listen, Erik,’ I said, feeling brave with Alice in the room, ‘it was great seeing you, but we were actually heading out. Maybe I can call you, and we can meet for a coffee or something.’

  That’s when I saw the backpack hanging on his shoulder. He dropped it to the floor.

  ‘Are you going out? I just got here.’ And clearly, he intended to stay.

  ‘Well, you didn’t exactly let me know you were coming…’ my voice trailed off, and I looked at Alice for help. She misunderstood me.

  ‘If you want, I can call and add Erik on the list.’

  I was about to decline, I didn’t intend to spend the evening with Erik, and I needed to get him out of here and away from me. He still scared me.

  ‘That would be fantastic,’ Erik said. ‘Where are we going?’ He put his hand on Alice’s back and led her towards the living room. I trailed behind, trying desperately to find a way out of this.

  ‘I work for Managing Studios, and they are throwing a premiere party for the Amazing Amy-movie.’

  ‘Really. That sounds like fun. I never turn down a party.’

  They were having a conversation without me, and I snuck to the bathroom to compose myself. I looked in the mirror, and contemplated removing some of the make-up, when Erik came in behind me.

  ‘You should remove some of that make-up, we wouldn’t want anyone to think you are a hooker, do we?’ he said, and started to undress right in front of me. ‘I’m going to take a quick shower, don’t leave without me.’

  I didn’t argue with him, I ran back out before he got completely naked. Alice was on the phone, and she was smiling to me, giving me thumbs up.

  ‘Listen,’ I said as soon as she hung up, I needed her to lie to Erik and help me get him out. But I didn’t get to tell her because Erik came back into the living room in fresh clothes.

  ‘Great news. Your in.’

  ‘You are amazing,’ Erik smiled at her, charming his way like he always does. He came up behind me, and put his arms around my waste. It made Alice grin, she was all for this. I tried to wiggle out of it, but I felt Erik’s arms tighten. We were doing this.

  ‘Your dress is kind of short, maybe you should change?’

  ‘Actually, the dress is perfect. Besides, we are late,’ Alice said, and headed for the door.

  For the first time in years, I was outside my apartment. But I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t catch anything of the movie, my mind was preoccupied of finding a way to get Erik to leave. He had left his backpack at my apartment, so he assumed he was staying with me. Like I would welcome him and pick up where we left off two years ago. He hadn’t even bothered to ask if I was seeing someone. He just assumed I was his. He always used to say that to me. I was his. I belonged to him. If Alfred hadn’t come and shipped me off when I was released from the hospital, I probably would have gone back to him. He was so sorry the last time I saw him. He was heartbroken. Now it seems everything was ok. After all, I was his. I didn’t want to be. I loved someone else. I know that didn’t matter, it wasn’t like Christopher would ever come back to me, but it didn’t matter. I was done with men. I wouldn’t love someone else ever again. It hurt too much. And nobody could compare to Chris. Least of all Erik. Having the distant from him made me realise just how fucked up our relationship was. I could never go back to him, even if he had changed. I hadn’t changed, and I was the one making everybody angry. And I knew turning Erik away would make him angry. I had to make sure I wasn’t alone with him. I had never in my stay here been so glad for the porter service at my apartment. At least he couldn’t come knocking on my door without anyone else knowing. I could get Frank to get the police if necessary.

  Erik kept introducing himself as my boyfriend at the party, and I kept shaking my head and trailing behind him and Alice. I tried taking him to the side and asked him to stop telling people I was his girlfriend, but he told me in a stern tone that even if I didn’t see it that way now, I would soon, because I was his. He reminded me that I once had promised him I would always be his.

  Alice came and went, talking to actresses and co-workers and doing her networking. Erik was doing his best at enjoying free liquor, draining one glass after another with alcohol. He held my arm tightly, so I “wouldn’t get lost,” he said.’

  ‘How did you find me?’ I asked again when we were alone for a minute.

  ‘A little bird told me,’ he squeezed my hand. ‘That punk had a nice secretary, who didn’t see the problem with me showing up to surprise you on your birthday.’

  ‘It’s not my birthday.’

  ‘Well, she didn’t know that. Besides, someone had to come get you and make sure you got home all right.’

  ‘I’m not going home, I’m staying in London.’

  ‘Don’t be silly, of course you are coming home. That school was only suppose to be two years. Don’t tell me you need to redo it. Did you flunk? You are too pretty to be in school. You are coming home with me. What do you have here that is more important than us, anyway?’

  ‘Don’t you see, Erik? There is no us. I moved here to get away from you.’

  ‘It’s the stupid lawyer talking. You know you love me. We belong together. You are mine.’

  ‘I haven’t been yours for years, Erik. We aren’t good for each other.’

  ‘Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that! You know how much I love you. Being away from you, you have no idea how hard it has been. I need you, Sara. I love you so much.’

  I could hear the affect of alcohol, and was relieved that it was his begging, sorrowful side that came through. It was easier than the anger-side. But I knew it was a thin line, and I didn’t push him any further. I needed to get away. I needed to get home without him.

  Alice came rushing up to m
e. ‘Oh, Sara. I’m so sorry. I am so, so sorry. I promise you, I had no idea. Margaret told me they weren’t coming. They were still on holiday. I’m sorry, I didn’t know he would be here.’

  Erik had wrapped his hands around my waist again, and whispered in my ear:

  ‘What is she talking about?’

  Then I saw him. He was as beautiful as I remembered. It was like looking at a train wreck. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t help myself. It was shear pain to look at him, but my eyes couldn’t look away. They had just entered the main hall, and people where gathering around them like flies. It reminded me of the art gallery. People had swarmed then too. And like that time, his eyes lifted and found mine, like magnet. His gaze turned angry. He was still angry with me. I wanted to throw up. The only way out was to pass them, but I tried desperately to wiggle out of Erik’s arms so I could escape the opposite way, further in. His grip only tightened, and he pulled me closer.

  ‘Shit, do you see that? It’s that actor from The Enigma. Ahh, people back home aren’t going to believe this. Do you think he would take a picture with me? I have to try. Come on.’

  ‘No, Erik. Don’t…,’ I tried, but when had he ever listened to me. He held my hand firmly and made his way through the crowd, dragging me behind him. The crowed was thinning some now, and he managed to come close. My eyes met Julia, she was at Christopher’s side, with one hand around his bicep. She took a deliberate look at Erik and my hand interlocked, and then smiled coldly. It didn’t take you very long I could read in her eyes. I tried to get out of Erik’s grip without causing a scene. Christopher looked at our hands too, and took a step towards us.

  ‘Sara,’ he said, his tone coloured with all kinds of emotions.

  ‘Wow, you know him?’ Erik turned to me. ‘I’m Erik, her boyfriend.’ He gave Christopher his hand, and I wanted to sink through the floor as they shook.

  ‘Christopher Petrelli,’ he answered in a cold voice. It reminded me of the last time I saw him. I could feel the panic rising.