Slut

by Jettie Woodruff

  “Laughing is a normal reaction. It’s your inner self-questioning your beliefs. Your subconscious doesn’t understand this. You’ve never given it permission. Do you need to laugh?”

  I tried. I tried with everything in me to hold it in. I knew I was supposed to be serious. I was serious. This was just, I don’t even know what that was. My lips sputtered first and then it just came out. I laughed hard enough to have tears. “I’m sorry, Mi. I’m trying to be somber.”

  “It’s okay. I get this reaction a lot from newbies.”

  “Newbies? You do this often?” I questioned with one eye opened. I took a deep breath and closed both eyes again.

  “I teach a meditation class here on Thursday nights. Maybe you could come sometime.”

  “Yeah, sure,” I agreed with little sincerity. The picture of little foreign girls with slanted eyes crossed my mind. All sitting Indian style, humming ohms and ahhs.

  Mi directed me to take a couple more breaths, getting me ready to drift off. I did as I was told, focused on her words and the atmosphere around me. My ears were the first thing alerted. The sound of the ocean was right there. Mi’s voice became softer and my senses became louder, on high alert. I repeated the words ‘I am at peace’ with deep breaths like she told me to do. I paid close attention when she told me what to feel, and as crazy as it sounded, I felt them.

  “Imagine you’re walking across soft grass, but this is enchanted grass. It’s soft, like baby powder. Walk to the waves. A magnificent private island is awaiting your arrival.”

  I didn’t even feel the need to laugh that time, I sort of felt like I was walking on baby powder. When Mi told me to take another deep breath and notice the change in the air, I did. It really did feel pure and full of positive energy as I breathed the magical air. It was at that moment that I understood everything my mother felt. This was the place she was constantly telling her Clydes to never lose. I wondered briefly when I lost it, and then repeated the phrase. I am at peace.

  Mi walked me all the way to a beach with sand softer than the grass, to a mystic beach with the same flowers and candles that were floating in the clay pot. The sound of water became closer and closer, the relaxing breeze brushed across my skin, and the scent of harmony filled my nose. Everything was the way it should be. Calm with a serene feel, everything from the warm sun on my face, to the stresses being delivered from my body with an imaginary, magic sun. Positive energy from the hot planet replaced all the fear, the anxiety, and the doubt. By the time I heard Nick’s voice take over, I was in a state of a strange place. A peace like I had never felt before.

  “Gabby, can you hear me?” Nick quietly asked.

  “Yes,” I replied in faraway tone.

  “Good, remember that you’re always in control. Anytime you feel like it’s too much, remember you can wake up. All you have to do is open your eyes.”

  I didn’t respond with words. I was too deep into the sound of the waves, the sun warming my skin, and the calm I felt through my entire body. Even my breathing was effortless.

  “I’m going to make a few suggestions while I count you down. You’re going to be in a deep, deep sleep, but you’re always in control.”

  I listened to everything going on around me, but Nick’s voice was the one I focused on most. Nick got to seven, explaining that when it was time for me to wake up, he would count me backward again, but I didn’t have to wake up. He said that my conscious would direct me in what to do, whether I chose to sleep or wake up. Honestly, I think I was out when I heard the number five. I would have to say Mi’s technique did wonders for Nick’s job. It did enhance it, and made it easier for me to give over my mind. I didn’t remember anything after that. I was out. Totally out.

  ~~

  The warm sun hit my face, a straight line right across the bridge of my nose. I squeezed my eyes shut from the bright light and tried to comprehend my state. Was I still out? Was this the real sun or Mi’s imaginary one? I opened my eyes to the shiny slit in the bamboo shades, feeling extremely rested. Maybe for the first time in my life. My floating bed swayed when I moved my head, seeing the same room I’d fallen asleep in.

  “Good morning. Do you like oatmeal?”

  I looked to Mi, sitting in what I knew to be the meditation pose, feet awkwardly crossed over her legs in the middle of a round rug. Her hands rested on her knees and her fingers formed an O.

  I cleared my throat before speaking. “Did it work, Mi? Did I get hypnotized?”

  “Oh yeah. It worked.”

  “Did I tell him? About the accident? About my sister?”

  “Yes, you did. Come on. I made tea. There’s a new toothbrush on the counter for you.”

  “Is it bad? Am I a bad person, Mi?”

  Mi tilted her head to the side and smiled. “Do you think you’re a bad person?”

  “I mean, I guess I don’t feel like I’m bad. I would never intentionally hurt anyone.”

  “You’re not a bad person, Gabby. Far from it. You can watch it while you eat breakfast. I’m going to shower, and then we’ll go find this car.”

  I followed Mi out, asking questions to her back while my mind did summersaults. “Izzy’s car? Don’t you think we should try to get a hold of the Walkers? They have to know something.”

  “Watch the video first. I’ll be back.”

  Mi disappeared with no information. She stepped out, avoiding my questions, and leaving me. Good hygiene came second. The hot tea and the laptop on the counter came first. My teeth could wait. I sipped the sassafras tea as my fingers slid across the keypad, and spit it in the sink, gagging with disgust. I rinsed my cup and filled it with milk, swearing the tea had cayenne pepper in it. Holy smokes. Who on earth puts cayenne pepper in tea? The normal pouch of black coffee caught my eye by the coffee pot, and I made myself at home, fixing a cup of normal morning wake up. I wasn’t sure Mi and I could be friends. She was too damn weird for my blood.

  My eyes went to the sound of the meditating room on the screen when I heard the same peaceful music from the night before. I fixed my cup of coffee with one sugar and a splash of cream while I listened to the part I remembered. I was right. I stopped replying by the time Nick had gotten to five. My head dropped to the side and my body relaxed into the floating bed. My hair blew with an oscillating fan. I snorted while I sipped my coffee. And here I thought that was an imaginary breeze. It was a fan. Mi covered me with the same soft blanket I’d woken up with and listened to Nick work a miracle.

  “Gabby, can you hear me,” Nick asked, quietly.

  “Yes,” I slurred.

  “Can you tell me what you were doing the morning you left your house before your accident? Think about your surroundings, sounds, people, a television show, anything that will help your subconscious to remember. Can you do that, Gabby?”

  “Yes, I was at home with the girls. Paxton was working from home because of the storm.”

  “The storm? Tell me about the storm, Gabby.”

  “It was all over the news, a tropical storm, heading right toward us. Paxton was anxious all morning listening to the weather. We were going to leave if it didn’t change courses or die down.”

  Nick spoke in a low, hypnotic tone while my voice sounded like I was drunk, a slur spoken slowly. “What happened next, Gabby? Do you remember leaving your house?”

  “Yes, I was with my girls. We were watching the sky for the impending storm. I was going to take them with me, but Paxton wouldn’t let me.”

  “Where did you go, Gabby?”

  I squirmed a little, causing the swinging bed to move when I replied. “I needed to get a few things from the store. A ten-minute trip.”

  “What happened next?”

  “Paxton bribed them with ice cream and I went to the store.”

  “What store did you go to?”

  My eyes frowned while my mind thought about it. “I don’t remember.”

  “Do you remember meeting your sister? Was she in the store?”

  “No,
” I replied while my head once again relaxed back to a sleeping position. “She followed me. She was behind me, an old car with strange plates. I turned down a couple streets when I realized who it was. My heart was beating a million miles a minute when I pulled into the bank parking lot.”

  “What was your reaction to seeing her?”

  “It was—it was strange. At first I didn’t know whether to call her Izzy or Gabby. She called me Gabby first and from that moment on I referred to her as Izzy. I knew we would end up talking about it, about us switching places and all.”

  “I’m listening, tell me what happened next, Gabby.”

  “We talked about our mother, our crazy mother,” I laughed. “I drove further and further away from my house, ignoring the calls from my husband. I knew he would be angry with me. I had never done anything that big to defy him before, but I couldn’t stop. It felt so good to see her, to talk to her. I couldn’t believe it. She was there. My Clyde. She was right there.”

  “Your Clyde? What is your Clyde?” Nick questioned, still using the same dramatic tone.

  I explained my mother’s name, Jonnie, and the way she used to introduce us as Jonnie and her Clydes. My voice sounded so happy, speaking of my mom and sister with great love and admiration.

  “The wind started to pick up after a bit, but again I ignored it. I wasn’t scared at all, not even of Paxton. My time with my sister meant more to me than Paxton’s wrath and I refrained from listening to my gut. I kept going until we were on a back road. Izzy went first. It was something we used to do with our mom. She sat on the windowsill first, and I followed, driving with my feet, just like my mom used to do. We were barely moving, nothing felt unsafe at all. I had it all under control until I didn’t. I saw the turn up ahead in plenty of time. It all happened so fast after that. My dress was caught on something. I couldn’t reach the pedals. I screamed for Izzy but it was too late. She grabbed the wheel, midair. Our eyes met and I blacked out, hearing the noise in slow motion echoing all around. The sound of metal crunching as my car rolled over the embankment. I thought about one thing before darkness took over.”

  “What did you think about, Gabby.”

  “My Clydes,” I cried. A tear slid down my face and I wiped it away with the back of my hand. “I thought about leaving Rowan and Phi. They wouldn’t understand this. They needed me.”

  Silence filled the air and I continued, feeling every bit of pain I felt that day. “The next thing I remembered was the rain and the wind. My eyes opened to darkness, but not a night time darkness. This was an overcast with heavy clouds, spilling out rain. I had no idea how long I had been there, or what happened. A raging river flowed, rapidly by, extremely close to me. It wasn’t until the lightening lit the sky that I saw Izzy. Her head was to the side and her leg was in an awkward position above her head.

  I assessed my own injuries not really feeling anything at all before I called out for her. “Izzy? Izzy can you hear me?”

  She didn’t move. One leg was pinned inside the car at her waist and her hair covered her face. I called her name over and over and then I cried. Thirteen years and it was all over in an instant. Just like that, my twin was taken from me again.

  “Gabby?” I heard in a gurgle. “Gabby? Where are you?”

  “Oh, God, Izzy. I’m right here. Are you okay?”

  “I don’t think so. I can’t see, Gabby.”

  “That’s because your face is covered, Izzy. It’s just your hair. You’re going to be okay. Someone is going to find us. It’s going to be okay. I promise.”

  “Gabby, listen to me. I came for a reason. I need your help.”

  “Okay, I’ll help you any way I can. Just stay with me.”

  I heard more gurgling and then the sound of her getting sick. “Remember when you asked me if I had a family? I lied. I do, Gabby. He’s almost five.”

  I didn’t understand why she would lie to me about having a child. I didn’t understand it at all. I talked about my girls more than anything. Even to total strangers. “Okay, where is he? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I didn’t want you to think I only came for your help. I haven’t always been the best mom, but I’m clean for the first time in over a year, and he’s all I think about. You have to go get him, Gabby. Please go get him.”

  “Get him from where?”

  Izzy took a deep breath and let it out with a painful moan. My breath caught deep in my chest, waiting for her to speak, praying that every word she spoke wasn’t the last one.

  “He’s in a foster home. I got messed up with some bad people and made some horrible choices. I lost my—”

  I hated that silence. “Lost your what, Izzy? Izzy?”

  “I lost my home, my business, and my son. I swear I would have found you sooner if I could have. This isn’t just about Vander. I love you. I’ve thought about you every day for the last thirteen years.” Izzy stopped talking and coughed, choking between words.

  My heart beat hard in my chest when I heard her gasp and then nothing. “Izzy? Izzy, stay with me. Tell me more. Izzy!”

  Nothing. I heard nothing but the wildness going on around me. A raging river, an angry wind, and rain coming down in buckets. “Izzy, please,” I cried.

  “I’m here. Listen to me Gabby. You have to go get him. You have to take care of him. He needs you.”

  “No, I’m going to help you take care of him. You’re going to be okay. We’re going to be okay. Someone will find us as soon as this storm passes. We’ll get him. Don’t worry, Izzy.”

  Izzy made a snorting noise, a short laugh. “Do you want to know how I found you?”

  “Of course. Keep talking, I want to hear everything.”

  “Total coincidence. Your husband had an ad in the back of a magazine. A Christmas card with his logo, and his family. It was you, Gabby. You and your family, standing in front of beautiful landscaping, a blue-lit pool right behind you.” Another sarcastic laugh. “I have no idea why that magazine was even in Michigan. It was some garden magazine based out of Sarasota, Florida. A Christmas edition at the garage where I waited for my car to get new breaks.”

  “I’ll help you. We’ll go get him, Izzy.”

  Her tone turned desperate. “You have to promise to take care of him, Gabby. He doesn’t have anyone else. You’re his only family. He needs you, Gabby. Promise me you’ll take care of him. Promise me, Gabby. Promise.”

  “We’re going to take care of him together, Izzy. Don’t you give up on me. Don’t you dare.”

  “He’s really smart, but he gets bored easy. He’s just like you. He’s always got to be doing something. I’ve told him that so many times.”

  “You told him about me, Izzy?”

  “Oh yeah. He knows all about you.”

  A sense of guilt fell over me when I couldn’t say the same. I never told Row and Phi about my sister. I couldn’t. “I can’t wait to meet him.”

  “He deserves so much better than I’ve given him.”

  “We’ll make it better. Just stay with me. I can’t lose you again. I have so much to tell you.”

  “You’re not going to lose me. You have my name. I’m always going to be a part of you.” Izzy gurgled and coughed, choking until she was out of breath.

  Again the sound of my heartbeat was heard loud in my ears. “Izzy?”

  “Gabby, I’m just going to close my eyes and rest. You’re going to be okay. I know you are.”

  I tried to push the car from my own legs, but I couldn’t. I bit down hard on the inside of my jaw to keep from screaming out in pain. I didn’t want to scare Izzy, but it hurt. It hurt bad enough to black out for a second, probably from holding my breath.

  “No. No you’re not going to rest. Keep talking to me, Izzy. Don’t you give up on me. Don’t you dare. I need you. Your little boy needs you.”

  Moments went by before she responded. I thought she was gone. I thought that many times throughout the dreamlike ordeal.

  “I got my Clyde, too, Izzy I can’t w
ait for you to meet him.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief, happy when I felt my chest rise from the breath. “That’s why you’re going to be okay.”

  Izzy laid still, no movement at all. “Izzy, can you hear me? Izzy, wake up! Please don’t leave me. Izzy! Please! Somebody help us! Help,” I called, over and over, screaming in agony.

  The wind whipped a strand of wet hair into my face, stinging my right eye, but I couldn’t rub it. One hand was stuck behind my back, and the other one held something metal, keeping my upper body from sliding. The door frame, maybe. A gasp of air was heard over the howling wind and I felt panic. I didn’t want to lose her. I just found her. I had so much I wanted to share with her. She had so much to tell me. I needed her.

  “I’m here.”

  “Don’t do that. Keep talking. Someone’s going to find us,” I said with an empty promise. Nobody was finding us. Nobody was out in this. Izzy needed help now. Not when the sun came out and the storm passed.

  “Vander Clyde Delgardo. That’s his name. I call him Van mostly, unless he’s in trouble. He’s a typical boy, always into something. You gotta watch him—”

  “Izzy?” I said again for the fiftieth time when I heard a breath and then silence.

  “He’s a handful sometimes, but he has a big heart. He’s a little love bug when you can slow him down. You have to show him whose boss though. He’s a smart one; he’ll have you eating out of his little hand if you let him.”

  “No, don’t talk like that. You don’t need me to do anything. You can do it yourself,” I argued, eyes darting to the trees, whipping back and forth through the wind and rain. My arm hurt from holding the door-jam, but I couldn’t let go. The muddy surface mixed with the rain made my body slide toward the raging river. A river that was rising by the minute.

  My mind couldn’t even begin to keep up. I didn’t even try to comprehend what she was saying. I suddenly had something else on my mind. I stared at her with wide eyes, not moving a muscle, not even a breath. Oh my, God. I felt it again. The car moved, barely, but it moved. We were seconds away from being swept away with the storm.