Slut

by Jettie Woodruff

  “You guys okay here? No fighting?” I questioned after twenty minutes, one finger going from one to the other. I didn’t need to stay in the bathroom with them anymore, but it kept me away from Paxton long enough to calm down. Their giggles could calm a mad man.

  Rowan pulled the plug and they both stood, deciding they were done, too. I wrapped them, one by one, in soft towels and told them to brush their teeth. Ophelia reminded me that I promised warm pudding, and I let the hygiene slide, telling them to get dressed.

  Paxton’s office door was closed, but I opened it without a knock while the girls dressed. He wasn’t doing anything. His hands were behind his head and his eyes stayed on the ceiling, stress written all over his face.

  “I don’t know how to fix this, Paxton. You’ve got me hoping I’m not the Gabriella who married you. Like you’re going to stop loving me if I don’t turn out to be who you think I am. That doesn’t even make sense, Paxton. You watched the video. I even said I didn’t know whether to call her Izzy or Gabriella. I referred to her as Izzy the entire session. You heard that.”

  “When you woke from a coma you said your name was Delgardo. You were told who you were. How do you know that didn’t screw with your subconscious or something?”

  “Paxton, I’m not her. I married you. This can easily be forgotten with a simple mouth swab. I’m sure I gave birth to Ophelia.”

  “What if you didn’t?”

  “Oh, my God. I did. For whatever stupid reason I married you. I’m sure of that. The only doubt I have is the stuff you keep coming up with. Stop making me doubt who I am.”

  “I never meant it when I said I couldn’t love another man’s child. I’m sorry I said that. I don’t want to leave him there.”

  I uncrossed my arms and walked to him. “I still don’t know how to fix this,” I admitted as Rowan and Phi squeezed around me, magic stones in hand.

  “It’s cause you need to recharge your rock, Mommy,” Phi assured me.

  Of course Rowan helped. “We have to put them together. Mi said so.”

  Paxton smiled at them, taking his magnetic leader from his pocket, and welcoming them both to his lap.

  “Come on, Mom,” both girls ordered when I just stood there. I didn’t want to recharge with Paxton. Not yet.

  “I’m going to get a shower. I’ll charge up later.”

  “Please,” Ophelia begged with that same worried look. She needed the magic for something to believe in, and I couldn’t say no to that.

  I pulled Paxton’s stool from his drafting table toward them and sat, letting our four stones come together, eyes on Paxton. Four clicks was all Ophelia needed. An instant smile assured her that we were okay. The magic rocks made it that way. Of course they did. They were magic. Mi said so.

  I didn’t really participate in the conversation going on between Paxton and the girls. I lived in that moment, unsure of where my stone was. My hand covered two little ones, and Paxton’s covered mine while the girls talked about school again. Once again the mental note was planted to find out about school clothes, supplies, and whatever else goes into that preparation.

  I know it wasn’t the magic at all. It was this family, our hands held together, and the way Paxton’s thumb swiped the back of my hand. I loved it. I loved him, and I loved our magic. Even if it was all messed up. It was ours and nothing could change that, until it could.

  ~~

  “Come up here,” Paxton said as soon as I walked out to the patio. I hadn’t seen him since I left him alone in his office with the girls. I waited until he put them to bed before saying goodnight myself. Avoiding the inevitable was the only thing I had. We had so much to talk about, so many things to say, yet neither of us knew what, let alone how. The longer I avoided the video that I knew would be hitting my email in a few short minutes, the longer I kept from facing another what the fuck moment. It didn’t matter how much I pep talked myself. Allowing the thought of hopefulness was always replaced with a half empty glass.

  I looked up without a response, and turned around. I went to him, not because I wanted to, but because I didn’t want to be alone, and I sort of wanted to be near him. Paxton stood in front of the half moon, eyes on the door while he waited for me.

  I walked right up to him and fell right into his arms, all thoughts gone. We stood that way for a few minutes, my head on his chest, his lips in my hair, and his arms around my back. No words, just a moment to do whatever. Come together? I wasn’t really sure what that was, but it felt needed.

  When I did look up it was because of the click in our pockets. I smiled up to him and accused him of being coy. “You didn’t do that on purpose.”

  “What? Make our stones come together? Yes I did.”

  “You sure you weren’t trying to get a little contact?”

  Paxton was extremely persistent in his defense. “Swear to God. This little thing has more magnetic force than I’ve ever seen. I felt it move when yours attracted it. I did do it on purpose.”

  “I’m sorry I hit you,” I said as the tips of my fingers touched the little goose egg below his eye.

  “That hurt,” he admitted with a kiss to my nose.

  “Pussy,” I teased with half a smile.

  “We doing this?”

  I took a deep breath and dropped my head to his chest again. “Yes. We have to.”

  “It’s nice out. Want to sit out here?”

  I nodded and walked out to the fluffy love seat. The stone from my pocket kept my mind busy while Paxton retrieved his laptop and a blanket. I weaved it between each finger, hoping it worked. If there was ever a time I needed magic, it was now. The sky was a deep dark purple with a hint of amber and the air was cool. Perfect for the somber mood.

  Paxton sat beside me and went to my email. Nothing yet, but we still had ten minutes. Knowing Mi, she wouldn’t hit send until the time she told me she would send it.

  “You think she’ll send it?”

  “Oh yeah. Mi does what she says she’ll do.”

  “How the hell did you meet up with this chick anyway?”

  “I told you. I went there to see Nick, not her. I just got lucky. Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask you about school. Shouldn’t we be shopping for that? I don’t even know where they’re going.”

  “Um, they both went there last year. You bought their uniforms at the end of school last year, something about them discontinuing the skirts you liked or something. We have a meeting Tuesday with Rowan’s teacher.”

  “Yeah, I knew that,” I lied. I chastised myself for adding unneeded chaos to my mind. Of course it was taken care of. I never met a more organized person than me. Except maybe Paxton. He could no doubt run a household without me, but I sure didn’t want him to. “Do I know what the meeting is for?”

  Paxton leaned in and kissed my lips with a smile. “I guess you probably don’t. They want to test Rowan again. She was extremely bored in Kindergarten. They’re not sure she needs first grade. She’s doing everything on a third-grade level.”

  “Yes. I knew that girl was a genius.”

  “She is. Not Phi,” he said with his head moving from side to side, a smile forming on his lips.

  “Phi’s smart,” I said, instantly coming to her defense.

  “Phi’s a conman. She’s going to be a fun one. She can’t sit still long enough to learn anything.”

  I chuckled a little with that. It was sort of true. “She’s a conman with you because you let her be. She’s perfectly capable of putting those tight pants on Barbie. I tell her to find something else for her to wear when she whines, I can’t do it,” I said in the same whiny voice Ophelia used to con her daddy into dressing her Barbie with the hard clothes and the skin tight pants you had to roll up her legs.

  “I hate fucking Barbie. Who the hell came up with that idea anyway?”

  I laughed ridiculously hard, but at my own joke. For a second I thought he said he hated fucking Barbie as in, he hated having sex with her. It was dumb, but it lightened the tension a l
ittle more between us.

  “That’s not what I meant,” he instantly countered, knowing exactly what I found so funny.

  I don’t know what happened after that. We got quiet and stared, smiles dissipating with the sudden change in vibes. Paxton leaned in to kiss me, and I met him halfway, parting my lips for his tongue. His body forced me to my back, and his hands went up my ribs on both sides. My fingers tangled in the hair at the nape of his neck while one hand rested in a fist over his heart, a magic stone hidden inside.

  “We can make it okay, Gabriella. No matter what happens, we can make it,” he quietly said with soft words to my lips.

  “I’m scared,” I confessed.

  Silence, a deep breath, and the same fear. “Me, too,” he admitted.

  I felt his body stiffen with mine when we heard the ding. The email that had the potential to break us.

  “We’ve got this,” he promised with a reassuring wink and a quick peck to my lips. Paxton pulled me up and I sat right next to him, my magic rock in hand. I needed all the help I could get, supernatural or not.

  Paxton leaned forward to open the email, sending his magnetic rock into mine from his pocket. It was sign. A good one. We were going to get through this together and come out better on the other end.

  He pulled the stupid little rock from his pocket and locked it with mine while the video loaded. Hand in hand, heart to heart, and me tucked into his left side, we both took in a few more deep breaths of air. Courage for what lay ahead, no longer in the distance. It was here. Facing us both right in the face.

  The camera sat in the corner facing the award Nick had won for helping a man with Alzheimer’s find his home. I swallowed when I watched him stand from his desk and walk toward the opening door. Our torsos from the waist down was all that you could see, but I could tell it was, me, Lane, and Nick, and we could hear every word spoken.

  “This is Nick,” he’s the one who can help you.

  “I said I would try, Lane. I can’t promise anything.”

  Paxton leaned up on his knees. “Is that Nick?”

  “Yes,” I replied as I fell into the same tense position he moved to. Elbows on knees, and eyes and ears on the voices.

  “Where the fuck are my kids?”

  I leaned up and hit pause, stopping it right there. “This is how it’s going to go? We haven’t even started yet, Paxton. I don’t know where they are. I just asked myself the same question. I’m assuming they were at one of the thousands of activities you had them in. I don’t know.”

  “You were supposed to be with them.”

  “Yeah, well, I wasn’t, and I don’t remember why. So, do you want to do this or not? I don’t see where any good can come from it if you’re going to be like this.”

  “How the fuck do you expect me to be, Gabriella? You’ve been involved with Lane for the last year, and this shit. I don’t even know what you’re doing here, or why you’re not with our children.”

  “I’m done. You have fun watching it by yourself,” I said as I pulled my stone from his, and stood like it was really that easy.

  Paxton jerked me back to his side by my shirt, his hand went around my throat, and he told me how things were going down. Not my way. “You fucking did this to us. You’re the one that showed up here like this with all these lies and secrets. Let’s find out what you’ve been hiding. Okay? We said we were doing this together. That’s what we’re doing. Understand?”

  I couldn’t reply with one single word. Not even a nod. My eyes closed, my throat closed, trying to control it, and tears slid down my face.

  Paxton abruptly stopped, let go of me, and stood. “Fuck this, Gabriella. Fuck. I’m sorry. Fuck. I’m just so fucked up over all of this. You forget to stop and think about what it’s like for me. Look at what you’ve brought into this house over the last few months. How do you expect me to be?”

  Words spewed from my mouth as tears slid down my cheeks. “This isn’t working, Paxton. Let’s stop. I can’t do this with you anymore. I bring out the worst in you, and you do the same to me. It’s not fair to either one of us. We can be good parents without one another.”

  Paxton looked at me like I’d just punched him in his other eye. “We’re not quitting. No, Gabriella. We’re not quitting. Don’t you ever think you’re leaving me. You’re never leaving, not even if we find out that you’re the wrong wife. You did this. You’re not going anywhere.”

  “There’s not a lot you can do to stop me, Pax. I can’t do this thing with you.”

  I jumped a little when he moved back to my side, afraid of him for a second.

  “I’m sorry, Gabriella. I’m sorry. I don’t want it to be like this. I’m sorry. I swear I won’t get mad. I know you don’t remember any of this, but damnit. It’s so frustrating. Where the fuck was I? Why didn’t I notice this going on right under my nose?”

  “Paxton, I don’t know.”

  “I know, I’m sorry.” Another audible breath, and Paxton hit play again, trying to recapture our position we’d been so comfortable with moments before. I didn’t feel the same security, my stone was hidden inside a tight fist away from his, and my body didn’t mold into his like it had before. It was gone. He knew it, and I knew it. I watched the theatrical on the screen in his arms, miles away from him.

  My voice sounded anxious as I thanked Nick for trying. “Yes, I understand. I’m grateful for the attempt. Thank you.”

  Lane’s voice was heard next. “I’ll stay with you until you’re under and then I’ll step out.”

  “Thank you. I would rather you did,” I responded.

  I watched the laptop, forgetting about Paxton and leaned up, absorbed in what I was about to tell him. It was obviously personal if I wanted him to leave. Nick walked me closer to the camera and directed me to the chase lounge. He talked to me about what to expect, the same instructions he’d given me the last time in Mi’s Zen room. Only this time, Mi wasn’t there. Lane was.

  “How far back will you go? It’s just that one part that I want to forget.”

  “Even if I can make you forget about the rape, that doesn’t mean I can fix your problem, “Nick explained.

  “Wait, what rape? What problem?”

  Paxton leaned closer and my hand fell into his again. Our stones collided and our fingers locked. “Shh, I don’t freaking know. Stop it.” I felt uneasy all of a sudden, like I was about to cheat on Paxton with him watching. I could feel the tension when we watched my eyes search out Lane, and then close.

  “Yes, I know, but I think it will help.”

  Nick sat in front of me but we couldn’t see his face, just a knee and a brown shoe. “We could try other things to help you enjoy sex with your husband.”

  “What?” Paxton questioned in a shocked tone. “You went to Nick because you didn’t enjoy sex with me?”

  “Paxton, stop. I don’t know any of the answers. Shut up and listen.”

  Nick counted me down just like he had before, and just like the expert that he was, I was under his control. “Gabby, can you hear me?”

  “Yes,” I mumbled in a faraway tone.

  “You can go Lane.”

  “I will, keep going,” Lane said in a determined voice.

  “You told her you would leave.”

  Lane’s black slacks came in closer and his body hovered above mine. “I will. You can cut me out before you send it. I’ll go. Keep going.”

  Nick continued with the session, irritation heard in the way he spoke to me. “Gabby, do you remember when you lost your virginity?”

  “Yes.”

  “How old were you?”

  “Thirteen.”

  I had to elbow Paxton to keep him from talking. “Shh, I don’t know. Just wait,” I repeated before he could say a word.

  “And you think it was a gang, right?”

  “No, not that time. I was with Falcon for a long time. Almost four years. He’s the one I lost my virginity to.”

  My body stayed in a relaxed deep sleep while
Lane and Nick discussed my situation with me right there. Clueless.

  “Ask her about Falcon. I don’t know who that is. She only said the gang rape.”

  “Gabby, what can you tell me about Falcon? Are you afraid of him?”

  “No, not at all. He’s in prison for life. He helped me,” I explained in a slumber, chest rising and falling with relaxed breaths.

  “How did Falcon help you? What do you mean?”

  “I did things for him and he kept me safe.”

  “Safe from who, Gabby?”

  “From the streets. Nobody messed with me.”

  “Except Falcon?” Nick asked.

  A sadness took over my voice when I said yes.

  “Did Falcon hurt you?”

  “Not really. I just did things for him, and he did things for me. He said I was too pretty to be on the streets unprotected. He was right. I didn’t want to be on the streets. Men always made me feel like I was prey. Falcon told me I was.”

  “You did sexual favors and Falcon kept you safe?”

  “Yes, until he killed someone. He’s in prison for life.”

  Nick wiped drool from my lip with a tissue. That’s how out of it I was. Like I was on drugs. He turned and told Lane to leave again. “Lane, she’s going to want to know why I cut all this out. This isn’t fair to her. You said you would leave.”

  “She doesn’t need the video. She can listen to it, and you can cut me out. If you would stop talking to me, you wouldn’t have to worry about it. Ask her about the next time,” Lane coaxed.

  Nick groaned a loud breath and continued. “Gabby, when was the next time you had sex? Do you remember that?”

  “Yes, it was for an initiation for a boy to get in a gang. Three of them held me while one raped me.”

  “Did the other ones hurt you, too?”

  Tears slid down both my cheeks, but my body never moved from its slumped position. “Yes, they all did.”

  “Ask her about Paxton.” Lane whispered from Nick’s side.

  “No. Get out of here. This isn’t what this was about.”