Slut

by Jettie Woodruff

  “Go to work, Paxton. I don’t want to see your face.”

  “What do you want, Gabriella? What do you want me to do?”

  “Nothing. Not one fucking thing. Leave.”

  I turned to the ocean and the glass door, to the dark sky, away from him and his stupid sad face. Façade. That’s what it was. An act. Paxton could have been the star of my new Lifetime movie. He was great at it. Oscar worthy. My eyes closed with the click of the door, and I willed myself to stop crying. It wasn’t even like I should have been surprised. I mean the guy finger banged me while I was in ICU. Why I thought it was ever different was beyond me, and stupid. Paxton didn’t change, I did.

  Two beeps and a blink from the keypad beside my door guaranteed that he had left, setting the alarm on his way out. I walked out, hearing the garage door and then his truck. His anger showed in his tail lights and then the roar of his engine. Paxton revved the motor and squealed tires until I couldn’t see him, his truck fish tailing down the lane.

  “That’s nice idiot. Go kill yourself. That’ll make it all better,” I audibly spoke, watching while he peeled out of the driveway, acting like the two-year-old that he was.

  I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself. I had so much to think about, so much to figure out, yet they all mixed in one spinning cycle. I didn’t know where to start. I spun in circles, focusing on one major detail after another, never stopping on one. Regardless of how much I hated Paxton, regardless of what happened to Izzy, regardless of what I did with Lane, I had to think about Vander. He had to take precedence over it all.

  With a new sense of direction, I heated water for tea. That was my plan, and I intended to tell Paxton so myself. He could like it or not, I didn’t much care. I’d gotten this far by myself, I could keep going. I didn’t need him. I didn’t need him for anything. Not one.

  I spent my day doing normal everyday tasks, washed a load of towels, mopped the kitchen, floated in the pool with the girls, took them to dance, and then met Mi for lunch. Chuckie Cheese kept Rowan and Phi busy while I told Mi everything. Every last detail.

  “He’s never loved me, Mi. I was never anything more than a toy to him. Why did I marry him? God! Why was I so stupid? You should have seen him. I actually stopped the video at first because he was so ready to attack. I was terrified that I was going to see something that nailed me to a cross, that said what a bad person I was, but I didn’t. I went to Lane for help because he was a phycologist. Because I wanted to please my husband and I couldn’t. You know the part that really hurts, Mi? He kept saying it, trying to get Lane to join him. Lane tried to tell him that he didn’t want to, but Paxton kept it up, telling him how much he was missing out, until he finally did. I’m so mad at him right now,” I explained to Mi while she listened with big eyes and no words.

  “Don’t say it like Lane didn’t have a choice. I mean he could have walked away like a decent human being. He’s just as guilty as Paxton. Stop selling yourself so short. If you don’t respect yourself, nobody else will either. Lane’s a douche. What about Vander? What next?”

  I sipped lemon water through my straw and turned to Rowan, yelling for me to watch her do a backward flip into the ball pit. I gasped and tried to tell her no, but she did it anyway. “Good job, but don’t you do that again. That’s not very safe,” I scolded while my heart settled and I turned back to Mi. “Someone is coming to our house from the state on Monday. I don’t know what happens after that, but Paxton was sure we’d get him. We just have to go through the red tape first.”

  “And then what? Are you going to stay with him? You know you own half of everything, right? Half the house, the money, the business?” Mi questioned while feeding me options.

  I chuckled and looked to the girls, both laughing, living in their happy little moments. “We’re talking about Paxton Pierce. I’m sure I signed a prenuptial.”

  “Not technically. I mean you are still really Izzy, and a simple blood test can prove that. He would have to pay you child support, but you wouldn’t have to go through all the divorce stuff. He can’t prove that he married you, but you can prove that he fathered your child.”

  “That would blow his top. I can see it now.”

  Mi turned to the weird alarm on her phone and stood. “So? Blow it. I gotta get back to the hospital. Babies never care about my lunch. They think they can just show up anytime they want. Message me later and let me know if you want the next one.”

  “Thanks, Mi. I’ll talk to you later.”

  Mi waved to the girls, telling them she had to go bring a new baby into the world, and she would see them later. I watched her leave and sighed a heavy breath, got up, and cleaned up our trash. If I started now, I could get the girls out of there by two. Twenty minutes or so. Luckily we had one more stop, per their request. That would help.

  Rowan of course did better than Ophelia. She slid into her sneakers and stood beside me, while I bribed Phi. “We’re not going to have time to stop at the bookstore if you don’t come on,” I coaxed.

  Rowan helped with that one. She’d been waiting for the new Scoop book to come out ever since we read the first one. Like six weeks now. “Come on, Phi. Don’t you want to read Scoop?”

  I personally wanted to read Scoop. Sarah and Scoop were a team, working together to help animals find a good family. Scoop was a talking dog, but the story line was cute, and it taught many worthy morals. Each book focused on a new kitten or a new dog. The next one was called one last kitten, a misfit left behind. That worked to get them out of there, but somehow I got suckered into two books each by the time we made it to the bookstore.

  Rowan made sure I held onto her copy of Scoop while she and Phi sat at a little table reading big picture books. Never mind the whole stack, she didn’t want them to sell out before we left. I unconsciously browsed the boy’s section, choosing a yellow tractor with a big bucket full of dirt. I smiled and tucked it under my arm, giddy inside at the thought of reading it to him.

  “Hi, how are you?”

  I turned to the familiar voice with a frown and no words.

  “Scoop,” Lane said with his copy in the air. “Chance has called me three times already.”

  I still couldn’t talk. My mind filled with visions of what I’d learned, and words from Mi. He didn’t have to participate. “Why did you want Nick to keep going? To keep hypnotizing me? You weren’t trying to help me, were you? It was for your benefit. Wasn’t it, Lane?”

  Lane’s face dropped, his smile disappeared, and his tan flesh turned white. “What are you talking about?”

  “I know. I watched it. I know what you did to me. The first time I ever met you. I know it all,” I said without even thinking about it. I had to, and I had a right to.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Gabby,” he said one more time, a failed attempt for me to believe another lie.

  “Why can’t you just tell me, Lane?”

  “Gabby, I helped you. I’m not the bad guy here. I did everything I could to help you, don’t you dare say this was all for me. It wasn’t.”

  “Why, Lane? Why did you want to help me?”

  Lane took a deep breath and sat in one of the little wooden chairs below a window, knees to his chest. “You came to me. I never came to you.”

  I sat beside him and probed for him to continue. “For what?”

  “Where’s Chance,” Ophelia asked from across the room.

  I placed a finger over my lips, reminding her to use her quiet voice. She whispered it next.

  Lane quietly told her she was getting her hair done with her mom.

  “It was the only time you had ever talked to me about what happened that night. I’m so sorry, Gabby. I know I said that a million times before your accident, but I mean it. I was drunk, young, dumb, I’m sorry.”

  “Why did I come to you, Lane?”

  “We were all at your house. I used to watch you guys,” Lane said in a faraway tone.

  “What do you mean? You watched us?
That’s a little creepy.”

  “I’m a psychiatrist. I watch how people interact everywhere I go. I was fascinated at how happy you both looked, yet I knew it wasn’t real. He could look at you from across the yard and then to his feet, and you would go to him.”

  “Okay, so?”

  “Yeah, we were all over at your house. The girls were floating around the pool with drinks except you. You were by his side. I had just told the guys a story about our new guy, Nick, about how I had been watching him erase memories from trauma victims. You heard all the stories I shared about how amazing he was. You came to me because you wanted what happened to you erased. You told me that you couldn’t enjoy sex with your husband because of the rape. I didn’t mean to keep digging, Gabby. It just happened,” he explained. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you’d just gone through that. I’m sorry. I wish I could go back and unlearn it all.”

  I ignored the apology, coaxing him to continue. “And then what?”

  Lane shrugged his shoulders and exhaled. “After I heard how you described the rape, and then what Paxton and I did to you, I wanted to know more. It was like black and white. You were sad and hurt when you talked about the gang, yet three days later, you were numb. I just thought you were drunk, too. Not numb from a gang rape. I got carried away with your story, with your relationship with Paxton.”

  Suddenly, I was mad. I felt violated. “I trusted you.”

  Lane set his book to the chair between us and rubbed his face. “I know. I’m sorry. Nobody wishes more for a redo than me. That’s what I would use it on.”

  “Why?”

  “That’s when I started coaching you on leaving him. That’s when Nick and I started helping you plan your new identity. All of that was going to be gone, you were supposed to take the girls and live happily ever after, Gabby. Not this.”

  I looked past him to the girls with a deep breath. “Why can’t you just answer the question? What did you learn?”

  “You didn’t watch all the videos?”

  “No, only one. I gotta psyche myself up to go through that again. Who knows what’s in the next one, right?”

  “Gabby, stop. Just stop with all this. I swear I’m not lying for my own protection. It’s for yours and your family. How did you get those videos?”

  “What do you mean my protection?”

  “It’s not a threat, Gabby. It’s a warning.”

  I didn’t even bother getting that explanation. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway. “You think he’s abusive? You wanted me to get away from him because of that, or something else, Lane?” I questioned. There was still something hiding in his mind, but what? Why?

  “You deserve better, Gabby. The girls deserve better.”

  “Paxton is great with our girls,” I defensively protested. Why I felt the need to protect the bastard was beyond me, but it was the truth. He was an amazing father.

  Lane stood with that, and shook his head. “Of course he is. I’m sorry for being a part of that. I’m sorry I did that to you, for everything that I’ve done to you.”

  “Lane.” I said while holding up his copy of Scoop, stopping him in his tracks. “He doesn’t hit me,” I said for whatever reason. I guess I didn’t want Lane to think badly of him.

  “I know everything he does, Gabby.”

  I kept it subtle when I spoke, pointing out the facts. “Because you illegally found out.”

  “Goodbye, Gabby. I hope you find the happiness that you’ve been searching for. You really do deserve it.”

  Lane took his book and walked away. Out of my life, again. I shook my own head, back and forth at the craziness, and then gathered my troops. I had a casserole to bake and a fake life to live, no time for sulking in silence.

  “Come on girls, we have to get going.”

  “Can I have this book, too? I like it,” Rowan questioned.

  “I said two. If you get that one, you have to put one of these back.”

  “Um, I’ll get it next time,” she decided. I knew she would. She was very focused on what two books she wanted before we ever walked through the door.

  The girls and I were singing Ariana Grande through loud screams when Mi’s call took over the speakers.

  “Hi, that was a fast delivery,” I said through the Bluetooth.

  “You told Lane! You told Lane?” she repeated again in a loud tone, not really, but loud for Mi. She was definitely excited.

  I took her off of Bluetooth and held the phone to my ear. “Oh my, God, Mi. I didn’t even think about you. I’m so sorry. He was just there and so many things were on my mind. They just came out. I’m so sorry,” I apologized again. Stupid, stupid, drama. Every time I turned around, there was more. Something else.

  “Nick’s ready to kill me. Like I’m not even joking, like dead.”

  “I don’t know what to say, Mi. I didn’t mean to get you in trouble. I honestly didn’t even think about it.”

  “You know Nick’s like a computer genius, right? He’s already hacked into my computer. I guarantee it. I’ll bet you a million dollars they’re all gone.”

  “I’m not sure I want to learn anymore anyway. Maybe Lane’s right. Maybe I should just forget it, get Vander and move on. I’m so sorry, Mi.” I couldn’t say it enough. I couldn’t believe that I had done that. I tossed Mi under the bus without one thought of Nick finding out.

  “Ugh. I’m still mad at you. I gotta go, baby’s coming.”

  “I’m sorry, Mi.”

  “I know. Forget it. All he can do is kill me, right?”

  “Why you sorry, Mommy?” Ophelia asked from the backseat when I hung up.

  I looked at both of their staring eyes through the rearview mirror. “Because I told a secret that I promised Mi I wouldn’t tell.”

  “Why?” they wondered aloud in unison.

  “I didn’t mean to.”

  “What was the secret?” Rowan wanted to know.

  “Nothing, you wouldn’t understand. Adult stuff.”

  Ophelia groaned and rolled her eyes. “I hate adult stuff,” she spouted.

  I went about the evening the same way I did my day, never letting Paxton see me fall. I laughed with the girls, ate supper as a family, read two of the new books, and then took a walk along the beach.

  Thanks to Mi, I had to go into Rowan’s room so we could recharge our stupid stones. I willed Paxton’s to charge with a slow moving stomach virus. One that made him want to die. I wouldn’t even look at him. I kept my attention on the silly chatter between the girls, and away from his stares.

  I’d just gotten out of the shower and into pajamas when I watched him close the door in his office. Probably because he wanted to tell more lies and secrets without me hearing. I tucked the girls into bed, both half asleep already, and went out to the patio from my room with a drink.

  The air was cool, and the sky was cloudy. Not a star in the sky. Even the moon was hidden by a haze. I wondered if Mi was right, if Nick hacked into her computer and got rid of everything. Did I care? Did I really want to know? I thought about a lot of things while I searched for answers, staring out to the deep dark sea, holding its own mysteries. I heard his door slide open from above, and almost got up and went inside.

  “I’m from Texas,” Paxton said from above my head.

  I didn’t look up, and I didn’t reply.

  “That’s nice. Where am I from, Paxton?”

  “Jesus, Gabriella. I’m trying to communicate here, tell you something you don’t know. Stop being a bitch.”

  “So you tell me you’re from Texas? You and your friend had your way with me, and you want to tell me you’re from Texas? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  “Come up here.”

  “No, fuck you, Paxton. I don’t want to be anywhere near you.”

  “Well, tough shit. We have a family to raise, and a little boy to tend to.”

  Of course he would throw that in there. Stick the knife in the middle of my back while he used our innocent children, and a prom
ise I made to my sister as a pawn. “You think I can’t take care of these kids by myself? I’m perfectly capable of raising them on my own. Women do it every single day.”

  “Like I would ever let that happen. I would kill you first.”

  I shook my head with the laugh. “You suck at making things better.”

  “Come up here and talk to me. We can make it better, Gabriella. I know we can.”

  “Or what, you’ll just kill me? Can you see me down here shaking?”

  “Come up here and run your mouth like that.”

  I knew he was half kidding, but he picked a bad time to do it. “Fuck you, Paxton. You’re not my boss. I don’t have to do this with you. I have choices.”

  “Yes, love, you do, and I’m trying to hand some over to you. It’s been this way from the beginning. Can you work with me here?”

  “I don’t want some choices. I don’t need you to make my decisions for me.”

  “Yes you do. It works for us, Gabriella. I’m trying to make it better. You could stop acting like a bitch and try, too.”

  “Okay, sure,” I snapped, arms crossing as I slumped in my chair. Hopeless case. I shut down, giving up on fixing anything with him. Paxton had a one track mind. His. That was it.

  My phone lit up from the table, alerting me of a new, one word, message from Mi. Sent. That was all it said, and I knew what she meant. The next video was in my email.

  “Come up here, I have the video set up.”

  Of course he did. I was sure he knew I had an email before Mi ever texted me. “I don’t need any of this, Paxton. You don’t have anything I want, except for those two little girls in there. That’s it.”

  “Please come up here.”

  “I deserve better than you, Paxton. There’s a man out there that would love me like I want to be loved, like every woman deserves,” I said with enough attitude to prove a point, yet not overboard.

  “No man will ever love you like I do, Gabriella.”

  “I hate the way you love me.”

  “I wish I could take it back, go back to the beginning and start over. You came into my life at a bad time. You were exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. I played my hand totally different with you than I did with Tatiana.”