Hammers & Heartstrings

by Elle Bennett

  I trailed my lips down his chest and discovered that he was indeed up for a round two.

  “It’s you and me, right? No random groupies allowed while you’re gone,” I reminded him as we sat on the couch a few days later. “I will be very upset if I find out you fucked a random groupie. Or a random anyone else.”

  I was trying to joke around, but I was honestly terrified that he’d fuck up and fuck someone else. I didn’t want to be left in the dust because some other gorgeous woman could potentially sweep him off his feet. Especially since I found out that Drag It Up was an all-girl punk band. And they were all really attractive, of course. It was almost enough to make me go on the tour with him, to make sure that he didn’t fuck around.

  But I had to trust him. Otherwise it would never work. This wouldn’t be his only tour. I’d have to go through this a lot, and I’d have to trust him every time.

  “Trust me, April. No girl could make me forget about you, let alone make me want to cheat on you. You’re my favorite month, remember? And I’ll come back in time for it to be April again. Then we can celebrate your birthday and the album release and catch up on all the fucking we’ll miss while I’m gone. There will be a lot of making up for lost time.”

  I smiled and grabbed his hand. I gave it a light squeeze. He held our joined hands up and gave mine a kiss.

  The day he left, I cried. I knew I would, but I didn’t want to. I hated crying. But I couldn’t seem to stop. My eyes were puffy as hell, my face was as red as my hair, and there were tears and snot everywhere. It was not the best look for me, and not the final image of me I wanted Andrew to have before he left.

  We kissed goodbye and I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him as close as I could in public without being indecent. I kissed his cheek and rested my head on his shoulder.

  “You wouldn’t be so upset if you would just come along with us,” Andrew said. “There’s still room on the bus.”

  “Dead horse. Stop beating it. And I’ll go to your San Diego show in a few weeks. We’ll see each other for at least one night.”

  “I can’t believe I could only talk you into going to one show.”

  “I can’t believe you thought I’d go to the east coast for a few weeks,” I said.

  I sniffed and wiped my running nose on the edge of his shirt sleeve.

  “Thanks for that,” he said.

  “You’re welcome.”

  “What, no goodbye kiss for me?” Ken joked.

  “I’ll miss you guys too,” I said to the rest of the band. Ken really didn’t need another girl kissing him, considering he had at least three at his beck and call at that moment, including Kristy from The Walnut Tree, but I gave him a big, slobbery kiss on his cheek, watching Andrew’s grin twitch. “Now, I’ve instructed Andrew to stay away from the groupies, and I trust you guys to keep his mind on me while you’re running around the country. But you three are free to sex it up all you want with whoever you want. Enjoy.”

  Andrew let out a halfhearted laugh and kissed me again.

  “Thanks for the permission?” Doug said. He gave me a strange look, then he looked over at Chad. Chad seemed really interested in the sky. I wasn’t sure if he was even listening to what we were saying.

  “Oh, April O’Connell. I will miss you,” Andrew said.

  “Call me as much as you can,” I said. “Remember, I’ll see you in San Diego. And video chats. I can be nude for some of those if you want, and I will want you nude in some as well. Got it?”

  He nodded and gave me a mock salute.

  I hugged him again, my body pulled tight to his. I didn’t want to let go. I couldn’t seem to unwrap my arms from his torso.

  “I’ll be back before you know it,” he said.

  He kissed my forehead, wiped a few tears away from my face, and kissed me on the lips one last time before the guys dragged him away from me, telling him it was time to go.

  “I love you!” he called out as he walked away.

  “I love you too!” I said. I watched him walk away from me with his friends and bandmates, some of the greatest guys I’d ever had the fortune of meeting.

  Not five minutes later, I found myself at our apartment, which seemed empty without Andrew there. Pigeon was on the couch, but he looked depressed. I wondered if he knew that Andrew was going to be gone for a while. He was a smart dog, so I was sure he understood the suitcase Andrew had walked out with that morning.

  A quick glance in the bathroom mirror told me that I looked way worse than I assumed I did. My mascara was completely gone thanks to my tears, my eyes were red and puffy, as was my nose. I took a quick shower and ran a brush through my hair. It made me feel human again. I walked back in the living room and saw Pigeon sitting under the coffee table. He glanced up at me with sad puppy dog eyes.

  “I know, I miss him already too,” I said. Pigeon answered with a whine.

  I needed to get out of the apartment, or I’d think too much about the fact that I was going to sleep alone that night. I walked out of the door, got in my car, and found myself at Cranberry, where I ordered my usual comfort food. I hadn’t needed to order it since I worked there, but I placed my order for a raspberry danish and a black coffee with a blond girl.

  I sat down at an empty table and realized that eating alone wasn’t exactly going to help with the loneliness that cloaked me at that moment. Then Calvin walked in and I thanked God because I really did need a friend.

  “Hey! Where’s your man?” Calvin asked.

  “He left for tour this morning,” I said. I took a small bite of my danish and wrinkled my nose. Either I remembered it as better than it was or they changed something up, because the quality of the danish had definitely gone down.

  “You didn’t go with him?”

  I shook my head and took another bite, followed by a sip of coffee, which was awful. The coffee had always been good enough to drink black when I’d worked at Cranberry. Perhaps the batch was old and needed refreshing, or maybe whoever made it was just bad. I grabbed some sugar from the bowl at the table and poured some in, hoping it would make it drinkable.

  “They went on tour, they’ll be back in April,” I explained. “I didn’t want to quit my job.”

  “Why not? You did it last year.”

  I sighed. I was sick of explaining myself.

  “I have a job that I love, and I don’t want to leave. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be with Andrew right now. It’s not like things aren’t great with us. They are. I mean, we’ve had our fights of course, but those are bound to happen when you live together. But right now, it’s not a good time for me to run off on tour with him. I have a solid thing going at The Walnut Tree, and I’m happy with my relationship with Andrew. Why ruin a good thing by going on a tour?”

  “And a tour would ruin your relationship… How?” he asked.

  “Shouldn’t you be working?” I asked. A change of subject sounded good.

  “No, I’m just picking up my paycheck. Phoebe isn’t here today, so it was a good time to get it. Trying to avoid her as much as I can right now.”

  “Finally got on my side about how annoying she is?”

  “Actually, no,” Calvin said. “She just broke up with her boyfriend, and she ended up rebounding with me in the break room after we closed together last week. It’s just a little awkward right now.”

  “Wait, you hooked up with Phoebe? Stick-up-her-ass-Phoebe? Did you knock the stick out or something?”

  “Give me a break, she has a nice ass, even if there is a stick up there. But I don’t want to go past the one hookup, and she seems to think I’m a perfect match for her all of a sudden. I don’t know how to tell her that I’m not that into her.”

  “Date someone else?” I suggest.

  “That might work. Could you give me the number for that cute guitarist from your band? Not your boyfriend, the other one. That would probably get her off my back, if I had a rock star boyfriend.”

  I took a sip of the coffee and cringed
. It wasn’t salvageable, even with five sugars. I wondered if Karen was around. She always made great coffee.

  “I don’t know what Chad’s sexual preference is - it’s not exactly something we talk about. But I’m pretty sure his only love in life is alcohol, so good luck there.”

  Calvin made a “hmm” noise and drummed his fingers on the table.

  “I don’t know. I’ve gotten vibes from him before,” he said.

  “When did you even meet him?”

  “After the concert at The Walnut Tree, when you sang with the guys. I didn’t get his number, though. Forgot that part. So. Um. Could you?”

  I shrugged and took another bite of the raspberry danish.

  “I guess, but I really don’t think Chad is into guys. You might have more luck with Doug. I’ve heard him refer to himself as demi, and he’s mentioned both ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends before…”

  He tore off an edge of my danish and popped it into his mouth.

  “I don’t think Doug is my type. There’s something about Chad, though…”

  “Other than the fact that he’s high all the time?”

  “Yeah. I feel like I could fix him, you know?”

  I snorted. “Sure. Fix him. Good luck with that. But if you want to try, I’m not going to stop you. I’ll send you his number.” I grabbed my phone from my pocket, then sent Calvin the text with Chad’s information. I doubted that it was going to work in his favor, but who was I to deny Calvin a possible chance of getting away from Phoebe?

  “By the way, I know we don’t talk as much now that we’re not coworkers, but if you need anything at all… Like, if you need to talk or whatever. I’m here for you,” he said.

  I gave him a smile.

  “Thanks. There is something you could do for me, actually…”

  “Yeah?”

  “If you see Karen when you’re getting your check, can you ask her to make a new batch of coffee? This one is terrible.”

  He laughed and got up, presumably to get his money and to help me out. It was the least he could do for me after I hooked him up with Chad’s phone number.

  Time passed by slowly without Andrew around. I felt like the foundation beneath us was cracking, and I didn’t know how to fix it.

  I kept up with their shows online, where some people posted videos, or when they had an interview with a local paper or website. Their first stop at been in Denver, since it was the hometown for the tour headliners. There was an article with a picture of Andrew, holding his microphone tightly, singing into it like it was providing the air for him to breathe.

  Keeping up with him that way wasn’t enough, though. I needed to see him. I tried to video chat with him more than once, but he was never around to answer. I always ended up getting a text a few hours later saying sorry and giving an excuse for why he was busy. We got to talk a little in texts, but not much.

  Sexting was basically impossible, though. I would send a text and he’d reply the next day, saying he’d been out all night or that he’d accidentally left his phone on the bus while he was out. I started to get paranoid that he was avoiding me, that he found someone else to rid him of any sexual tension on tour. I knew how he got after a show. He was always horny as hell, and there was no way he wasn’t going to be up for a sexy video chat with me if he didn’t already have someone getting him off.

  When February rolled around, I drove down to San Diego with Joan. When we arrived at the venue, the guys were already there. I ran to Andrew and jumped into his arms, kissing him.

  “Get a room,” Joan said.

  I was too busy kissing Andrew to reply to her. We were against a wall, making out, when someone cleared their throat behind us. I still didn’t stop kissing him. Andrew’s hands started to wander and one made its way up my shirt as another throat cleared.

  “Seriously, you two have got to get a room or stop,” Joan said sternly. “I don’t want to see my brother fuck his girlfriend.”

  I finally stopped and turned around.

  “Sorry,” I said.

  “I’m not,” Andrew said. “I haven’t had sex in a month. You know how fucking hard that is?”

  I gave him a sly grin. What a lovely choice of words, because indeed, I could see how hard it was. I was also really glad he apparently hadn’t been fucking someone else while he was on tour. Unless he was lying. But he’d never lied to me before, so I couldn’t imagine why he’d lie to me then.

  “We’ve got soundcheck in about twenty minutes, but I think you guys could fit in a quickie,” Ken suggested. Joan wrinkled her nose at him. “Sorry, Joan. Bandmates look after each other.”

  “Is there a good place to go?” I asked eagerly. Andrew nodded at me and pulled me towards the bus, where he immediately started to kiss me again when the door shut behind us.

  “Fuck, I missed you,” he said. He trailed his lips down my neck, towards the edge of my cleavage. “Too many clothes.”

  He began to undress me and himself as quickly as he could, then he attached his mouth to my breasts. I pushed him down, and he got to work, making me come quicker than he ever had before, his mouth moving fast, his tongue caressing all the right spots at the right time. I gasped out the word “condom” and the next thing I knew, I was bent over a bunk and being fucked thoroughly. It was fast, hard, and everything we both needed. I had no doubts that he’d been faithful.

  After we finished, he pulled back on his boxers and gave me a slow, loving kiss on the lips.

  “Good thing no one came on the bus while we were coming on the bus,” I said with a smile.

  Andrew laughed and pulled on his jeans and shirt as well. He peeked out of the window.

  “Well, the guys are still out there, and they wouldn’t have let anyone on the bus while we were in here. And you weren’t exactly quiet, so I’m sure people knew the place was occupied. We’re probably going to hear from Joan about that.”

  I pulled back on my underwear and clothes. I touched the flower charm around my neck and gave him a smile.

  “I don’t think she will. It’ll be way too awkward for her to say anything, so she’ll keep her mouth shut. But we should probably get back out there. I think your soundcheck is about to start.”

  He grabbed my hand and we walked off the bus, where the guys were waiting for us. Ken, Chad, and Doug gave us a round of applause.

  “A-plus, April. You could have a career with that voice, and I’m not talking about music,” Ken said.

  Joan let out a groan and shook her head.

  “Can you not?” she said. “Can we just go to the soundcheck and pretend this didn’t happen?”

  I chuckled and kissed Andrew on the cheek.

  “Sure. I know I’m going to pretend like I’m not mortified at the idea of you guys all having heard that. So. Let’s go to that soundcheck,” I said.

  Inside the venue, the guys went over their instruments and did a few short versions of their songs to make sure that the sound was right. Andrew asked me if I’d do “Spackling” at the show that night, but I thought it wasn’t a good idea, since their set was so short anyway. No one wanted the opener to do a slow song.

  The guys agreed with me on that one, so I got to watch the entire show from the crowd instead of having to get up on stage and play.

  Their set was incredible, just as I expected. Some people in the crowd sang along with the lyrics, and I flushed as they sang along to “My Favorite Month.” Joan and I sang along with everyone, cheering on the band, loving the energy of the venue.

  When Drag It Up took the stage, a few more people had arrived. By the time Nothing Something showed up, the venue was packed, and people sang along to every single song they played. I knew that someday, that would be how a Peristerophobia concert would be. They would headline, and there would be a massive crowd just for them. People would show up from all over, just to see them perform their music, to sing along, to get their merchandise in person. They were going to make it big, and I was going to watch it all happen. I smil
ed at the thought and kept on dancing to Nothing Something’s music as it pulsed through my body.

  After the show, there was an afterparty with the three bands, and I found out that the two members of Drag It Up were in a relationship with each other, and they both identified as lesbians. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Andrew, but knowing that there were girls on his tour that truly had no interest in him made me feel a whole lot better about the whole thing.

  Joan and I sat with a couple of beers on a couch while Andrew talked to the lead singer of Nothing Something, both of them smiling.

  “I’m really glad you two are together,” Joan said. “You’re good for him. You make him happy.”

  “Thanks. So. Um. Sorry about earlier.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Nothing happened earlier,” she said with a serious tone. She gave me a look that told me to never mention it again. “But seriously, Andrew used to be a total ass. Now he’s just an ass. You’ve calmed him down.”

  “I doubt that. No one can change someone else. Doesn’t work like that.”

  “Well, you are the first girl he ever brought home to meet our parents. He never lived with anyone before you. I’m pretty sure you’re his longest relationship, actually. He loves you more than his guitar collection.”

  I smiled and began to play with the label on my beer. I peeled it off slowly.

  “You’ve definitely helped him become a better person, whether or not you realize it,” she said.

  I looked over to Andrew, where he still stood with the guy from Nothing Something, I think his name was Yuri, and Andrew looked over at me at the same time. He gave me a wink and I blushed. I sat my beer down on the table in front of the couch and stood up.

  “Well, I’m going to spend time with him while I can. The drummer from Nothing Something is giving you the eye. Maybe you should go over there and talk to him.”