Gabe squeezed his eyes tight, needing to control any overreaction. His chest squeezed, and the pressure stole his breath. “How soon?”
“When this first happened, maybe fifteen or twenty years. Now with this injury…. Shoot. I was hoping he’d come around and tell you this himself, but he’s a stubborn jackass. When he was discharged, Dr. Collins told Brandt that he needed to see his doctors back at Walter Reed for another assessment. His feeling is that original time frame would change, possibly be drastically sooner.”
Gabe needed to process the information. Truthfully, he didn’t give a crap about how damaged Brandt was. He loved his body but also his mind, healthy or sick. He just loved him.
He huffed. “Jesus Christ, I don’t give a rat’s ass about any of that. Being scared that you can’t be who you’ve always been, that your ideal self has changed, I get that. That it takes time to work through the grief. But to think I wouldn’t want him if he wasn’t that perfect man?”
“It has nothing to do with you or anyone else not wanting him. It’s how he envisions himself in his own head. When he thinks of you and him together, he’s seeing a certain version of himself, who he was when you met. Now he has to change the version of himself he sees, and he doesn’t like it. No matter what role he’s in, that version of himself needs to change. Partner or son or a teacher or a friend.”
Gabe understood that. Many times, the barrier for some wasn’t being accepted by others, but rather the acceptance of who they themselves had become.
Lucas sighed. “I’m guessing Brandt saw himself as some kind of strong, capable protector who can surmount any physical problem. Being in the military, like I said, the condition of your body is who you are.”
Gabe was out of his league with that issue. “You know him best. What can I do to break him out of this? I feel like he’s slipping further away from me. I don’t want to lose him.”
“Why don’t you bring those cute kids over? Maybe that would soften him up.”
“I wish I could, but I promised my ex’s husband I’d back off for a while. It’s a long story. But just know that isn’t possible.” A great idea, though, that had Gabe itching to call Karen. Although she wouldn’t talk with him. He’d texted her, saying he was sorry for going to Randy, but there had been no reply. Randy hadn’t returned his messages either. He couldn’t worry about them right now.
“Give him some time. Let him process all of this. I’ll talk to him tomorrow. I’m heading out the day after, so he might want to stop being a jackass and lighten up.”
Gabe’s beer was empty, and he’d relaxed as much as he could. “I’m going to check my e-mail. Maybe do some mindless Internet surfing.”
“I recommend porn.”
Gabe snorted. “That’s something I do alone in a dark room.”
He put his beer bottle into the recycling bin. Inside, he sat on the couch and powered up his laptop. Clicking on the web browser, he was going to open his e-mail. Instead, he went to Facebook. Talk of the twins had started that ache in his chest again. Going to Karen’s page, he clicked on the photo icon and was immediately hit in the face with Mikey’s and Maddy’s cuteness. There was no lack of pictures. Gabe opened each one and studied them closely. He laughed at the one of Mikey stuck in a bucket he’d wedged his butt into. The one of Maddy in her yellow princess dress warmed his heart. Her blonde hair glowed in the sunlight. Light blonde hair and bright blue eyes and dimples in their chins. Just like Randy.
He clicked through more pictures, wondering how they’d become so important to him, how someone else’s children felt as close as his own. Maybe that’s what he’d been hoping for all along. Maybe that was the reason he’d remained close to Karen since their split. Those kids were supposed to be his, were supposed to be a part of him. Instead another man had stolen what he’d yearned to have for so long. A family. Didn’t he deserve a family?
His lip quivered. He had to see Maddy and Mikey.
THE NEXT day Gabe stepped into Bright Minds Preschool at lunchtime. The school had an open invitation for family to join them each day for lunch. Gabe had grabbed a sandwich on the way there. His biggest fear was running into Karen or Randy. Didn’t matter, the twins would narc on him. At their age, secrets weren’t their forte.
Walking into the main area of the school, he was hit by the squeals and shouts and laughs of a room filled with toddlers. Immediately, he spotted Maddy playing with the large dollhouse with another boy and girl. Mikey ran in circles with what looked to be a superhero action figure, possibly Captain America, in his hand. The relief of being there with them was immense, and any stress he had fled.
“Gabe. Welcome.” Mrs. Dunning, the owner of the preschool, made her way around the toys strewn on the floor. She was shorter than average, with long black hair reaching her waist. Her denim jumper with the apples on the bodice, red-and-blue striped socks, and clogs screamed “teacher of small children.”
“I stopped by for lunch, if that’s okay.”
Her surprised expression seemed exaggerated, which he imagined had been honed by interacting with kids for years. “Certainly. Free time is about to end, and then we eat. Give me a second to bring this motley crew to order.”
Turning, she went to the counter and grabbed a bell. Ringing it once, she waited, and several children stopped what they were doing, including Maddy, while others continued their play. Ringing it twice, she waited again. Those kids who’d heard poked at those who hadn’t. Mikey was in that group. Probably 75 percent of the kids were now standing still and looking at her. Another ring of the bell and she had the entire room’s attention. Gabe was astonished.
“Wonderful, children. What does three bells mean?”
In a loud chorus, the children answered, “Three bells mean we’re doing swell!”
“That’s right. Now I want you all to quietly put your toys away, then get your lunches. How will we pick up?”
Another chorus. “Quietly.” The soft words made Gabe believe this woman was the kid whisperer.
Mikey caught sight of Gabe and charged for him. “Unca Gabe!”
That caught Maddy’s attention. In a flash, both kids were in his arms.
“Where you go?” Maddy cupped his cheeks.
Gabe beamed. “I’ve been working, sweetie.”
“You miss truck. Big truck.” Mikey’s eyes widened, and his arms stretched out.
“A big truck, really? Wow. Let’s sit down. I’m going to eat lunch with both of you.”
They settled at a really low table with short chairs. Gabe passed on the chair and sat on the floor.
Maddy touched his hand as if to say, “Finally you came,” while Mikey kept on about the truck. Gabe nodded as his words melded together because he was talking so fast.
“So you saw a really big red truck.”
“Uh-huh. My house.”
Gabe didn’t think he was referring to Randy’s truck.
Maddy appeared frightened. “Fire.”
Gabe froze, his sandwich halfway to his mouth. Big red truck. Fire. Fear clenched his heart in an iron fist. “Did you have a fire at your house?”
Maddy nodded, then took a bite of her cheese sandwich.
“Big fire.” Mikey raised his arms above his head.
Gabe set his sandwich down. “Did firemen come to your house?”
Mikey gave an exaggerated nod, those blue eyes as wide as ever. “In big truck. Spray water.”
“Where was the fire?” Gabe feared something Karen had done or failed to do was the cause.
“On stove.” Maddy frowned.
“Are Mommy and Daddy okay?”
“Mommy hurt.” Maddy’s eyes grew glassy. Gabe could see her fear growing and decided to change the subject.
“Hey, guys, remember the baseball game?”
That got their minds off the fire. Gabe spent the remainder of lunch talking about the big boat and Champ. When it was time to say good-bye, Gabe hugged them both tight, kissed them, and promised to see them soon.
He asked them to keep his visit a secret but knew that was a fat chance.
When he got to his car, he pulled out his phone, debating who to call. Karen had been hurt by a fire, according to the kids, but she wouldn’t answer his calls. Randy would probably slug him for breaking their deal.
He dialed Charles.
“Gabe. How’re you?” Charles sounded hesitant.
“I’m good. I was—”
“Wait. Before you say anything or ask me anything, I have to tell you that Karen rescinded her release for me to talk to you.”
Gabe opened his mouth. Why had he expected different? “Shoot.”
“She was quite irate that you spoke with Randy without her permission. She said you’d agreed not to.”
Gabe clutched the phone. “I had to. She wasn’t telling me the whole truth. And I found out from Randy that I’m near the top of the list of issues they have. I agreed to stay away from Karen and the kids, but I don’t know if I should. I wanted to see how she is. I was just with the kids, and Mikey said something about a fire at their house.”
Charles was silent for a moment. “Didn’t you just say you agreed to stay away from the kids?”
Shit. “Yes, but… I had to see them to check in, and I was right. Something happened.”
“Gabe, stop and listen to yourself for a minute.”
Taken aback, Gabe stayed silent. What was Charles getting at?
“Since your divorce you’ve been right there, still fulfilling to some extent your role with Karen as her caretaker. A role her husband should have taken over.”
“But he didn’t. He couldn’t do it!”
Gabe wasn’t sure where the anger came from, but its ugly head was poking out.
“How do you know? Did you always know how to help her? Was it easy at first?”
No, it hadn’t been easy. They’d been married after they received their bachelor’s degrees. Gabe had only just begun grad school when she was diagnosed. “No. I made tons of mistakes. I didn’t understand.” How easy it had been to forget the beginning. “And there were times I couldn’t take it.” Particularly during her first manic episode. He’d found her up in the middle of the night painting the walls of their student housing apartment a bright purple color. Her elation, her over-the-top enthusiasm, had scared him so much he’d left her there alone and didn’t return for a good twelve hours. If not for Karen’s best friend, Ann, Gabe might not have made it through.
“But I did have help. I accepted help from Ann.” God, he wished she were there to help, but she’d passed away from cervical cancer when she was thirty-six. Another time in Karen’s life her illness had gotten away from her.
“Have you given Randy any time to find his own supports with his family or his friends?”
“Jesus, Charles, what do you want from me?” Gabe floundered as he felt blame was being placed on him, and that illogical thinking was so unlike him.
“What do you think I want from you?”
Gabe wanted to scream at Charles not to pull that therapy crap on him, but he bit his tongue. He rested his head against the steering wheel. He knew Charles would wait as long as he had to for Gabe to answer. But his throat tightened, and he wasn’t sure if he attempted to speak that he would be able to make a sound. How had everything gone so wrong in such a short period of time?
“Let me put this another way. What are you getting out of your continued relationship with Karen?”
What was he getting? Wasn’t Karen the one getting, the one he was trying to save, keep from hurting herself, because if anything happened to her, those kids would…. He squeezed his eyes shut, his gut clenched and his brow furrowed deeply. If he’d eaten much at lunch, he might have thrown up.
“If anything happened to Karen, the twins would be taken away from me.” He whispered the words with an innuendo of guilt. His greatest fear, besides being alone for the rest of his life. He did care for Karen, loved her as a friend, and didn’t want to see her hurt, ever. But would he have been so involved in her life if the twins hadn’t been born?
He heard Charles sigh. Gabe felt drained and so confused. Was what he’d said true?
“You should take some time to think about that. Where do you fit, and what will your continued participation in that family’s lives do to them?”
In other words, why Gabe should be involved at all. How could he do that if he couldn’t even go a couple of days without seeing Mikey and Maddy?
“Yeah. I will. Thanks, Charles.”
“Listen, Gabe. You can call me anytime. I’m not just here to talk about Karen.”
Gabe clenched his jaw. “Thanks. Talk to you later.” He chucked the phone onto the passenger seat, needing to go home. Home where Brandt sulked and lay in that bed day after day. He might not be able to help Karen or see the kids, but he could try to help Brandt. He also needed a distraction. Getting through to Brandt required drastic measures if Gabe had any chance of pulling him out of his funk—if that was at all possible. He picked up his phone, searched his contacts, and hit Send.
“Hi, Marty. I have a huge favor to ask.”
Chapter 21
ON HIS way to the grocery store, Gabe passed Travis’s house. He thought he should just check in on him, see how he was healing after the explosion, and let him know that if he needed anything while Gabe was out that he could call him directly. Of all his clients, Travis was the one whose internal state could change without notice. Pulling into the driveway, Gabe parked behind the few cars already there. He hoped he’d find him home.
Travis’s father opened the door. “Mr. Reynolds. Come in. Nice to see you.”
Gabe stepped into the foyer of the small house. “You as well. And again, call me Gabe.”
Travis’s father looked relaxed, even happy, given his usual state was the opposite when Travis was having issues. “Okay, then call me Phil. Is Travis expecting you?”
“No. I was driving by and thought I’d stop and see how he was doing with his recovery. I’m taking a couple of weeks off from work and wanted to check in.”
The happiness faded from Phil’s face, and Gabe knew his concern.
“I’m available anytime for him to talk. And I will check in weekly otherwise. I had a friend who was hurt in that explosion, and he needs my help.”
“A teacher?”
Gabe hadn’t planned on telling anyone about Brandt, but he did. “Mr. Sawyer, the gym teacher.”
Phil’s lips curled in, and he looked to the floor. His hand fisted on his thigh. When he looked up, the sorrow was immense. “You tell that man thank you for me. If he hadn’t done what he did and got Travis out of there, he might not be here. I’m not sure what I’d do without him, even if he’s a pain in my ass.”
Gabe lifted the corner of his mouth. “I’ll tell him.”
He pointed to a doorway. “The boys are in the back room playing games. Go on in. I’ve got some food cooking on the stove.”
With that he disappeared. Gabe was hesitant. If Travis had friends over, he might not want everyone to know that Gabe was his counselor. After another moment he decided he was there and he’d peek in and maybe could get Travis’s attention.
What he found when he peered into the room made him catch his breath, and his jaw practically hit the floor. On the couch, Travis was locked in an embrace with Gregg…. Gregg Nolan. His biggest nemesis. His bully. The kid who’d made Travis’s life a living hell for over two years. Two years ago, when Travis had first known he was gay, he imagined Gregg had come to the same realization. The bullying and name-calling had apparently been a smoke screen to hide his attraction to boys—and to Travis. Jesus Christ.
And there was no doubt about what was going on. The intimacy between them was apparent, hands traveling over each other’s bodies. Travis was not only tolerating touching another person, but the touch was intimate. Gregg’s face was visible to Gabe, and he was awed over the loving gaze and gentle smile. When they began to kiss, Gabe cleared his throat. The pair jumped apart as
if jolted by electricity. Both boys immediately colored red from the neck up.
“M-Mr. R-Reynolds. What are you doing here?” Travis’s eyes were wide with fear. Gregg looked as if he were in the headlights of an oncoming car.
Gabe didn’t want to scare either of them, but he had to make sure Travis knew what he was doing. “Something you want to tell me, Travis?”
“Umm… well, I think this kind of explains it all.” He waved a hand toward Gregg.
Gabe sat on the chair across from them. “I see what’s happening. Last I knew, you both hated one another. And you”—he looked to Gregg, who sank back farther into the couch—“you were constantly beating on Travis. Forgive me if I find this disturbing.”
“I did beat on him, and I hated myself for it. I hated that I was attracted to guys, that I was a fa—”
Travis raised his brows at Gregg.
“That I was gay. If my parents knew….” He swallowed hard. “I thought if I just wanted to be straight hard enough, showed everyone that I was strong, a jock, then I would be.” He lowered his eyes.
Travis reached for his hand, and Gregg looked at him. The vulnerability in his expression wasn’t anything Gabe thought he’d ever see.
Gabe looked to Travis, who hardened his expression, no doubt ready to defend his decision. Gabe rubbed at his forehead, not sure what to say. Was this really the time to open up a counseling session? Probably not.
“You’re comfortable with this relationship?” God, what he wanted to ask was how he could trust someone who had pretty much terrorized him.
Travis nodded, his smile kind of dreamy and dopy when he looked at Gregg. “Yeah. I know what I’m doing. There are things only Gregg and I know that might explain this better, but no one else needs to hear them.”
Gabe was intrigued but let that go. “I’m concerned about…. If you two…. Have you been more intimate than this?”
Gregg’s face reddened even more. He definitely wasn’t used to talking about his feelings or anything so private.
“What I mean is, we’ve talked about your difficulty with others being close.” Gabe was close to revealing personal information Travis had told him in confidence, and had to tread lightly. But he felt as if he had to assess if Travis was in any danger of falling back into those memories of his mother’s abuse. That could undo years of healing.
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