Fully Ignited (Boston Fire #3)

by Shannon Stacey

  At least he looked almost as miserable as she did, but without the red eyes.

  She pushed open the door and stepped back to let him in. Once the door swung shut, she leaned against the wall and folded her arms. “I’m not going to invite you upstairs.”

  “I understand.” He paused, staring down at the bag in his hands before lifting his gaze to meet hers. “I’m sorry.”

  The sincerity came through so strongly, she wanted to wrap her arms around him and hold him close. He looked sad and tired, and she couldn’t help but contrast it to the fire scene, when his expression had burned with intensity as he told her he loved her.

  “I’m not sure what else I can say,” he said. “I know that...what I said before wasn’t what you wanted to hear, but—”

  “You’re wrong. I did want to hear you say those words to me. I really did.”

  He was silent for a few seconds, probably realizing what that meant, and then he cleared his throat. “I shouldn’t have said them there or then. And I shouldn’t have used my feelings for you as an excuse for disrespecting you professionally.”

  At least he got it. “You had to know I wouldn’t want that in front of everybody.”

  “I did.” He shifted his weight, sighing heavily. “I did know that, and I think subconsciously I did it on purpose. Talking about your transfer and everything made me think about the future, but we weren’t really supposed to have a future together. We’re just not on the same page. But I fell in love with you and I was starting to wonder if we could make it work. In the fire, in the structure after Grant got hit, I just... I panicked. I didn’t want you in there and that scared me. And I imagined how that would feel day after day and I guess I sabotaged whatever we had.”

  Jamie processed his words, letting them sink in. They made sense to her. He’d lost his mom so young and then had to live with a father who was a firefighter and had survived a heart attack. And Ashley had told her how shaken he’d been by Danny’s accident.

  At least it had come from a place he couldn’t quite control, because love and fear weren’t always rational, and that was a comfort. It helped to know he hadn’t simply been acting with blatant disregard for her feelings.

  “You proved that you can’t really handle letting me do my job. I’m not the television wife you’re looking for, Scott.”

  She watched the impact the words had on him. He paled slightly and his jaw clenched. “You’re the woman I fell in love with.”

  Curling her hands into fists so tight her fingernails bit into her palms, Jamie absorbed the blow of the words. “I fell in love with you, too. But I won’t be happy in the box you want to put me in.”

  “I don’t want to put you in a goddamned box.”

  “You did put me in a goddamned box. You already did it. You decided you knew better than I did what was good for me, and even if I wasn’t your lieutenant and we weren’t on the job, that’s not something I’m going to accept in any part of my life.” She looked up for a few seconds, blinking rapidly to keep the sheen of tears at bay. “Imagine how much stronger that fear would have been if I was also the mother of your children.”

  He nodded, so much sorrow in his eyes, she couldn’t stop her own tears from spilling over onto her cheeks. “I love you, Jamie. I respect you. I really do respect the hell out of you. I want you to know that.”

  “I know you do. And that makes this so much harder.”

  “I didn’t want this.” He blew out a breath and ran a hand over his hair. “I should go. I hope you like being with Ladder 41 and that it all works out for you. I’m sure I’ll run into you at events and stuff. And I, uh, brought you something.”

  When he held out the bag, she took it and peered inside. The little tub of chocolate pudding from the market made her breath catch in her chest and the tears kicked it up a notch.

  “I only got a single serving,” he said. “So you wouldn’t think I was trying anything. But I thought it might help you feel better later.”

  Jamie couldn’t talk, so she just nodded, clutching the bag. After a few seconds, he put his hand on her arm and leaned forward to kiss her cheek. She turned her face into it, the contact lingering for a few seconds.

  And then he stepped back. “I’m sorry, Jamie.”

  He pushed open the door and walked away. She watched him shove his hands into the pockets of his sweatshirt, his shoulders hunched as if to fend off a cold wind. And once he was out of sight, she walked back up the stairs and set the bag on the counter.

  It was over. Not just a bump in the road and maybe we can get through this over. But a hey, enjoy your new assignment and I’ll see you around kind of over. She should throw the pudding in the garbage and forget he ever existed.

  She didn’t have the strength to do either, though. Instead she pulled out a spoon and cried her way through the sweetest, most painful parting gift she’d ever gotten.

  * * *

  SCOTT SLAPPED THE puck and watched it sail between the pipes. Then he slapped the next one. Taking shots on an empty goal wasn’t much of a challenge and barely qualified as exercise, but it was somewhat satisfying when he hit them and they shot like bullets into the net.

  The ice was the only place he’d ever been able to work out his feelings without getting himself in trouble. Even then, his temper sometimes got the best of him, but it wasn’t the same as getting into a fight or kicking the crap out of his truck because he was pissed. Times like this, when it was just him on the ice and a line of pucks, were almost like meditation sessions for him. Usually they cleared his mind.

  His mind was refusing to clear today, though.

  Jamie loved him, too. That’s why he hadn’t slept worth a damn. Why he couldn’t stand the thought of eating. Why half the pucks he shot were bouncing off the pipes and coming back at him. He’d gone over there to try to apologize and try to end things on a more positive note and hearing her say that had driven home just how badly he’d screwed up. He’d thrown everything away.

  The click of a blade on ice broke into his thoughts and he turned toward the bench area, expecting to see one of the other guys or maybe the kid who was working that day. But it was Ashley, wearing jeans and a fleece pullover, along with ice skates she’d obviously gotten at the desk.

  “Jesus, Ash. What the hell are you doing?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’re pregnant. You can’t just go flinging yourself around on ice skates.”

  She laughed and ignored him, skating toward him. “I don’t really intend to fling myself at anything. And I might not be very good at hockey, but I’m the one who taught you to skate, dumbass.”

  “Slow down, at least.”

  “I’m barely moving. And the baby is fine. I’ve got plenty of built-in padding for safety.”

  He shook his head, knowing it was futile to argue with her. “What are you doing here?”

  “I was going by and saw your truck. And I just asked Danny the other day if he’d been on skates yet and he said you guys haven’t planned any ice time, so I figured you were in here alone. Probably brooding.”

  “I think better on skates.”

  “You always did.” Sighing, she looked at the pile of pucks in and around the net. “Figure out the solution yet?”

  “Solution to what?”

  “Don’t play dumb with me, Scotty.”

  “There is no solution. Or I guess you could say it already resolved itself. I was an asshole and that’s not a quality she’s looking for in a man.”

  “So stop being an asshole.”

  He clenched his jaw, wishing he could unleash his temper on a puck, but he wasn’t taking the chance of it taking a weird turn and hitting his sister. “If it was a switch I could turn on and off, I would have done it years ago. Maybe.”

  “You can’t let her go becau
se you’re afraid to love her. It’s too late, you know. You already love her, so why be miserable?”

  “How do I live with that fear every day?” He heard his voice rising, echoing through the rink. “I was so afraid for her that I did something stupid and we’re not even... I hadn’t even told her I loved her yet. We don’t share our lives. There are no kids waiting at home for their mom. How would I handle that?”

  She looked at him, her expression slightly sad, but also bemused. “The same way we all do. You’ve seen this your entire life, Scotty. You’re just on the other side of it and you don’t know how to handle it. But you deal with the fear the same way I do and the same way Lydia does and that Mom did and that this baby will. You trust your firefighter will be safe and smart and come home to you.”

  “And what if she doesn’t? Come home, I mean.”

  “Then you keep going. If Danny had died that day—”

  “Don’t say that.”

  “No, I do get to say that, Scotty, because it’s my reality. That possibility is something I live with every time he walks out the door. And if someday he doesn’t come home, I won’t regret loving him. I won’t regret having his child. The baby and I will keep going. Just like we all did when Mom died, except I won’t do like Dad and tell my kid to suck it up and get on with life. There would be counseling and support, like we should have had.”

  “Dad did the best he could,” Scott said, defending the old man out of sheer reflex. “It was never the same after, though.”

  “Of course it wasn’t.” She sighed, and he couldn’t help but feel like he was missing something. “I’m not going to give you the speech about how Jamie could get hit by a car or fall down the stairs or be the first victim of the zombie apocalypse. But you need to ask yourself why you wouldn’t think twice about asking a woman to spend the rest of her life taking it on faith you’ll come home from work, but you won’t do the same for her.”

  “I don’t know how to stop wanting to take care of her.”

  “That’s part of the way you’re wired. You keep people safe.” Ashley sighed again and took his hand. “And you’re supposed to want to take care of her. You take care of each other. But wanting her to be something she’s not isn’t taking care of her.”

  “I miss her so much my stomach hurts and it’s only been a day.”

  “I know what that feels like,” she said. “After I told Danny we were done, I cried so hard I puked and then cried some more. But we worked through it. And that’s your second mistake. You guys hit a wall and instead of looking for a way over or around it, you said fuck it and went home.”

  “I didn’t say fuck it. I just decided not to hurt her any more than I already had.”

  “If she does love you, this—the emptiness—hurts more than anything you could say to her.” She squeezed his hand. “Pick up your pucks and let’s go. You can buy your niece or nephew some ice cream.”

  Once they were back in sneakers and he’d put everything away, he took her hand and they walked out of the rink together. The sun was warm and being outside with Ashley made him feel better. Less hopeless at least, and he knew he needed to get out of his own head for a while.

  “Thanks for coming, Ash. Somehow you always know what to say. Sometimes it doesn’t sink into my thick skull for a while, but I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  “That’s what big sisters are for. And you’re lucky to have two. Lydia to kick you in the ass and me to give you a hug.”

  He laughed and put his arm around her shoulders. “Let’s get some ice cream.”

  She grinned. “I want a small scoop of chocolate with a pound of whipped cream and jimmies on it. And half a jar of cherries.”

  “That baby’s got good taste.” He squeezed her hand and they started walking toward the ice cream shop. For now, he’d shove his pain and confusion into the dark corners of his mind and enjoy an hour or so with his sister.

  * * *

  IT SEEMED LIKE just Jamie’s luck that the guys got called out on a run just before she finished packing the few things left in her office and the bunk room, and emptying out her locker.

  Maybe it was for the best, she thought, looking around the empty engine bay. She hated goodbyes and she’d been especially nervous about this one because she was afraid she’d cry again.

  She’d spoken to each of the guys at some point during the morning, anyway. They’d all wished her luck and there had been jokes and promises to keep in touch. She could tell they were thrilled to have Danny back, which made it slightly easier for her to move on. This had never been her place, really.

  She’d barely seen Scott. He kept himself busy down in the bays, taking inventories and cleaning the trucks and chatting with people who walked by and stopped to talk. Every time she saw him, even from across the room, the pain was so sharp she struggled not to let it show.

  It was definitely time to go. There was no way she could hang around, caught up in her own thoughts, and not bawl at having to say goodbye and hug each one of them. And she would either have to say goodbye to Scott again, or she’d have to ignore him.

  She put the last box in her car, which she’d managed to get reasonably close to the station, and then took one last look around. All traces of her were gone, so after sending a mental goodbye to Engine 59 and all the guys, she got in her car and drove away from the curb.

  Jamie hadn’t intended to go to Kincaid’s Pub when she pulled away from the station, but she wasn’t surprised when she found herself on the sidewalk, staring at the door. Her mind had been totally wrapped up with Scott, and here she was at his family’s bar. As if coming here would somehow offer up a clue to what had gone so horribly wrong or how to fix it.

  Everything had changed when she told him she was transferring to Ladder Company 41. It hadn’t been an easy thing to tell him because she’d hated saying the words out loud. She’d known that things were going to change and that meant their relationship would change.

  She’d been right. Except their relationship hadn’t just changed. It had crumbled like a dried-out sand castle.

  Jerking open the door, she went inside. She was pretty well braced against the memories that threatened to emotionally overwhelm her, but she got a little shaky when Lydia saw her and smiled.

  “Hey, you.” Lydia looked at the clock hanging on the wall. “I’ve never seen you in here at this time of day, but it’s five o’clock somewhere, right?”

  “It’s definitely five o’clock.” She climbed up onto a bar stool, thankful the place was practically empty.

  Lydia tilted her head, frowning as she looked at her. “You want a beer or do you want me to break out the good stuff?”

  “I’d actually love a coffee. I’m not much of a beer drinker and I’m not doing cocktails on an empty stomach.”

  “Coming right up.”

  When Lydia set a huge mug of coffee in front of her, along with a small dish of creamer cups, Jamie smiled her thanks. She wasn’t sure what, if anything, Scott had told his sister, but she didn’t seem to be acting any differently toward her.

  “Do you want something to eat?”

  Jamie shook her head. She knew she should eat, but she wasn’t hungry and was afraid if she forced herself, she’d only make herself sick. “No, thanks. Just the coffee, I guess.”

  “Okay.” But Lydia reached under the counter and dropped a few packages of oyster crackers in front of her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  Tears prickled her eyes and she tried to blink them away. “Not really.”

  “Neither did he.” Lydia sighed and leaned against the counter. “That’s probably half the damn problem, you know. If you guys would talk to each other, neither of you would be so miserable.”

  “Some things just aren’t meant to be,” Jamie said. Saying it to Lydia was a good reminder for hersel
f, and she forced herself to sit up straight.

  “Things don’t just be.” Lydia paused, then shook her head. “Okay, that made a lot more sense in my head. But some things are meant to be, but you have to work for them and not expect all the pieces to magically fall into place.”

  Jamie fiddled with a package of crackers to give her hands something to do. Part of her resented the lecture, but she knew her subconscious hadn’t come here accidentally. She’d pulled up a stool in front of one of the two women who cared about both her and Scott, and one who wasn’t shy about telling a person what she thought.

  “You know, I didn’t want to come back to Boston,” Lydia said. “I got out and I intended to stay out. I was done with firefighters. I was done with the entire firefighting community and my dad and this bar. I wanted no part of it.”

  “Since I was here when you married a firefighter in this bar, I guess you changed your mind.”

  “We talked.”

  “That’s it? You talked?”

  Lydia shrugged. “Basically. I mean, he was willing to walk away from everything for me, but I guess knowing I meant that much to him was enough for me. But if he hadn’t come and talked to me, I would have been gone and I probably wouldn’t have come back.”

  Jamie ripped the end of the package open and popped an oyster cracker into her mouth. Chewing and swallowing gave her time to think about how much she wanted to say, because this was her friend. She was also Scott’s sister and Jamie knew that relationship trumped hers.

  “We did talk,” she said finally. “And this is where we ended up, so there’s really nothing more to say.”

  “At this time of day, to come in here and not want a beer or food, you must have come here for another reason, Jamie. You’re not ready to give up on him yet.”

  “I came to say goodbye.” As much as she hated saying the words, she knew they were the right ones to say. “I cleaned out my office and my locker this morning. I’m officially done with Engine Company 59.”