"Fine," Robin whispered, trying hard to keep her lips from trembling. That awful helpless feeling was flooding back over her, and Robin didn't know what to do or to say.
George began to eat his lasagna in angry silence, and Robin watched him miserably from across the table. After a few minutes of mutual silence, George put down his fork.
"This is crazy. Let's just leave," he muttered.
Robin didn't say a word. George flagged down the waiter and asked for the check. Robin refused to meet George's eyes. She thought she might burst into tears if she did.
By the time they got back to her house, Robin was completely depressed. In spite of all her dieting, her organizing, her efforts to keep things managed and controlled, she was losing George to a beautiful girl. When he stopped the car, Robin opened her door in silence.
"I wish you would trust me more," George said quietly.
Robin just shook her head and got out of the car. George leaned over to shut the door and then drove off.
Sniffling, Robin went inside the house and up to her room. She peeled off her clothes, opened the closet, and let out a gasp. Her mother had put away some newly laundered clothes, and Robin's scheme was all messed up.
"Mom!" Robin called out furiously. "Come here!"
Running footsteps sounded in the hall. Mrs. Wilson hurried into the room. "What?" she asked anxiously. "Are you OK?"
Robin whirled around and glared at her mother. "Look what you did to my closet!" she cried.
"What?"
"You wrecked everything." Robin turned and began to rearrange the hangers. "How could you?"
Mrs. Wilson took a step toward the closet. "I don't know what you're talking about. I just hung up some clothes from the laundry."
"In the future don't, OK? I had everything organized the way I like it, and now I have to completely redo it all."
Her mother stared at her in amazement. "Robin, how can you be so upset about such a trivial thing? I thought you had hurt yourself, but you're snapping at me just because I hung up your clothes."
"You don't understand. Just forget it. I'm sorry I snapped at you."
"Robin—"
"Forget it, Mom," Robin said testily. "I can redo it."
Mrs. Wilson frowned worriedly and then shook her head. "Aren't you feeling well?"
"I'm fine." Robin turned away from the closet. "I'm going to bed now. I'll see you in the morning."
Mrs. Wilson's face betrayed her anxiety, but she left the room. Robin curled up on her bed and stared into space. Her stomach was hollow and empty.
So was her heart.
Eight
When Robin went down to breakfast on Monday morning, she was greeted by the unmistakable smell of pancakes and bacon. Her mother was at the stove.
"Good morning, Robin," Mrs. Wilson said, flipping a pancake with her spatula.
Robin watched her mother suspiciously. "Is that for you and the boys?"
"Yes, but I made some for you, too."
Robin clenched her jaw. "I'm not having any."
Mrs. Wilson turned around and smiled at her daughter. "Oh, come on, honey. Pancakes with real syrup? This used to be your favorite breakfast, remember?"
"No wonder I was so fat!" Robin retorted. "You made me fat by constantly stuffing me full of things like pancakes and bacon."
Her mother blinked rapidly and turned back to the stove. Robin heard her mother sniff, and a heavy feeling of remorse settled on her. She had just woken up from a deep, long sleep, but she still felt as tired as when she had gone to bed. Sighing, Robin pulled out a chair and sat down at the table. She propped her chin on her hand.
"I just don't know what's gotten into you lately," Mrs. Wilson said tearfully. "I never see you eat anything anymore! I'm getting really worried, Robin."
Robin sighed again. "I do eat, Mom. I eat a lot at school. Don't worry about me."
"Are you sure? You eat a big lunch?"
"Sure, Mom," Robin lied.
She picked up the newspaper and pretended to read while her mother went back to the stove and finished the pancakes. Robin poured herself a cup of black coffee and tried to ignore the enticing smell of food. The odors brought with them a wave of nostalgia. Things had not always been unhappy when she was overweight. Robin could remember plenty of warm, cozy Saturday morning breakfasts with her family; she could remember plenty of evenings when she and her mother had sipped hot cocoa with marshmallows and talked about their dreams and hopes.
Even as recently as a year ago, food had been the source of a lot of happiness. Robin could remember her last birthday cake—chocolate with marzipan frosting and raspberry jam filling—as though she had eaten it just yesterday. Her friends had screamed with laughter at her birthday party. Life had seemed so much easier and more comfortable back then. No one made demands on her, no one put pressure on her to achieve this or choose that. It seemed to Robin that she and her mother had both smiled a lot more in the past than they did now.
For a moment Robin considered asking for a very small serving of breakfast. One pancake without butter or syrup, and one small piece of lean bacon wouldn't do that much damage. And her eating would make her mother less anxious.
But then Robin realized she was not even hungry. In the past few days it hadn't been taking all that much willpower to go without eating. And now, this morning, she had no appetite at all. A flicker of fear raced through Robin. She lined up the salt and pepper shakers with the sugar bowl. Somehow, it helped calm her. I am fine, she told herself firmly. I'll start eating again when I've lost enough weight.
"I have to get to school," she said, standing up.
"You'll have a nice big lunch, won't you?"
Robin nodded. "Sure, Mom."
When she got out on the street, Robin cast a wistful glance at her bus stop. It was so tempting to wait for the bus. Her legs felt as if they were getting heavier, even though she was getting lighter. But Robin made herself turn away and start to walk. Soon she was in the rhythm of her stride. When she arrived at school, she felt surprised. She had been walking in a sort of daze.
A strange, uncomfortable feeling crept over her. It made her nervous that she had spaced out so completely. Frowning, Robin opened her locker and tried to concentrate on what books she needed for her first class.
"Hi, Robin!" a bubbly voice called to her as she stared blankly into her locker.
Robin looked over her shoulder and saw Lois Waller pushing through a crowd of students. Lois's round cheeks were flushed with excitement, and her eyes were sparkling.
"Hi, Lois," Robin said faintly.
"Listen, I know I'm the biggest klutz in gym." Lois rolled her eyes in a gesture of good-humored self-mockery. "But I really like volleyball, and I want to help with the fund-raiser."
Robin nodded. She wasn't really paying attention to what Lois was saying. Looking at Lois was too much like looking in a mirror to the past. She had once been just as chubby as Lois was now, and she hated to be reminded of it.
"I was wondering if I could help sell tickets for the Super Sundae." An impish grin came to her lips. "I could even buy a bunch of them myself. I love ice cream!"
Robin looked at Lois and felt completely baffled. How could Lois be so cheerful and enthusiastic? Didn't she worry about her weight? It didn't make any sense at all that Lois could actually joke about eating a lot of ice cream.
You'd think she would be embarrassed about being so fat, Robin told herself.
But Lois didn't seem embarrassed at all. Her face was animated and open. She carefully redid the bow on her ponytail while she waited for Robin's answer.
"Yeah, sure, Lois," Robin replied, looking back into her locker. It bothered her that Lois's hair was so pretty. "It's OK with me. I can give you a roll of tickets at lunch."
"Great. I think the Super Sundae is going to be so much fun! See you at lunch."
As Lois walked away through the crowd Robin absently stroked her own cheek. It felt hollow, nothing like Lois's round cheek would feel. It could
be that way if she weren't careful, though. Robin intended to be very careful.
Right before lunch, Robin gave Annie the tickets for Lois. She avoided the cafeteria altogether. Instead, she went to the administration office to talk to the principal about permission to use the football field for the Super Sundae. Mr. Cooper was already enthusiastic about the project, and he pledged his full support to the cheerleaders. Robin left the office feeling satisfied with her work. She knew it was up to her to keep the Super Sundae on track, and she knew she was doing a good job.
"Hey, Jessica!" she called as she saw her cocaptain in the hallway.
Jessica stopped and looked over her shoulder. Her eyebrows went up lazily. "Hi, Robin."
"I just checked with Mr. Cooper about using the football field," Robin said in a businesslike tone. "We're all set for one o'clock. I promised him he'd get to make a speech."
"Oh, great, Robin," Jessica said huffily. "That's all we need to make the Super Sundae a big dud. A big boring speech by 'Chrome Dome.' "
Robin felt a flash of anger but repressed it. She didn't want to argue with Jessica. It was too draining emotionally.
"Well, at least we have the permission we need," she said quietly. "I'm sorry you're so upset about it." Robin turned to walk away.
"Hey, I didn't mean anything!"
Robin stopped and turned back. Jessica looked exasperated.
"That's OK. I'll see you later." Taking the heat for doing a good job was just something she'd have to get used to. But she could handle it. She would just work that much harder to show everyone how easily she could deal with any little problem they threw her way.
After school, Robin took a bus to the community pool for diving practice. She changed into her bathing suit in the locker room and stopped in front of the mirror. Her tank suit was loose. Robin put her hands on her waist. She had already gone down by one size, and that was a good sign. Maybe she could go down another size. Then she would really be in shape. Smiling, Robin went out to the pool for some warm-up dives.
"Robin!" Dina was waiting by the ladder as Robin swam over to the pool's edge. "Can I see you for a minute?"
"Sure, Coach," Robin said, hanging onto the rail.
Dina jerked her head to one side. "Over here, OK?"
Robin knew that Dina was going to ask her about her weight. She didn't want to get out of the pool, but she had no choice. Reluctantly, she pulled herself up the ladder and followed her coach out of earshot of the other divers.
"Robin, I've noticed you've lost a lot of weight lately," Dina began.
"Not a lot, really."
Dina shook her head. "Well, I don't know. But as an athlete in training, you shouldn't be dieting without a doctor's supervision."
"I know."
"Do you have a doctor's supervision?"
"I keep meaning to make an appointment," Robin explained hastily. "I will as soon as I can."
Dina looked at her with a steady, insistent gaze. "How many calories a day are you eating?"
"Oh, well, I'm not really counting that carefully," Robin said evasively. She hugged herself and tried not to shiver as a cloud crossed the sun.
"All I'm saying is that I hope you're being sensible." Dina frowned. "I hope you're getting adequate nutrition, and enough calories to support you through diving practice and cheerleading."
"No problem, Dina," Robin said with a big smile. She pulled on the nylon of her bathing suit and shrugged. "It's this suit, too. It's old and baggy. You know how the chlorine takes all the stretch out. I'm fine."
"Well, your diving isn't fine. You seem as if you're only about seventy-five percent there. Have you been tired lately?"
"No! I'm just warming up," Robin insisted. "Really. You'll see."
"I'll be watching," Dina said warningly. "And if I think you're not taking care of yourself, I'm coming after you."
Robin smiled again to reassure her coach. She knew Dina was concerned about her, but Robin could take care of herself. She could take care of everything—the Super Sundae, pressure from her family, George, everything. Now she just had to convince Dina of that.
She stepped onto the springboard and readied herself for a jackknife. As she took a deep breath a wave of exhaustion washed over her. Dina was right. She wasn't in top form. But Robin could compensate for that by concentrating harder. She squared her shoulders and strode to the end of the board to dive.
For the next forty-five minutes Robin pushed herself further and further. She knew Dina was keeping a close watch on her, and she didn't want to betray the bone-deep tiredness she felt. She was also beginning to feel terribly cold.
Just push through it, she ordered herself silently.
She waited longer and longer between each dive before climbing out of the pool. Her fingers were beginning to feel numb. Usually she didn't feel chilled, even after a couple of hours in the pool. But today she shivered each time she climbed, dripping, out of the water.
"Robin?" Dina called.
Robin held herself rigid to keep from trembling. "Yeah?"
"Go home," Dina said tersely.
Robin's first reaction was to protest, but she felt overwhelmed by fatigue. Nodding gloomily, she turned and went back to the locker room. As she reached for the lock on her locker, she saw that her hand was shaking violently. She tried to control it but couldn't. Frightened, Robin squeezed both hands together and sat down on the bench.
I need a hot shower, she told herself firmly. That's all it is. Then I'll be fine.
After cheerleading practice on Tuesday, Jessica picked up Elizabeth and the two of them drove around the town, putting up posters advertising the Super Sundae.
"We should be calling this the gorgeous gorge yourself gourmet gala." Jessica giggled.
Elizabeth grinned and held a poster up to the telephone pole. "Go ahead and staple," she ordered. "Why can't you be that creative in school?"
"I reserve my talents for more important things, Liz," Jessica replied as she punched a staple through the poster. "Or we could call it General Wilson's Super Organized Sundae," she added sarcastically.
"Oh, come on. Robin isn't being that bossy, is she?" Elizabeth asked seriously.
Jessica rolled her eyes and headed back to the Fiat. "Are you kidding? Today at lunch she was grilling Sandy as if she were conducting the Spanish Inquisition. 'When will the kiddie pools arrive? Who's washing them out to make sure they're clean? What time are the ice-cream trucks coming?' I wish Robin would lighten up!"
"Do you think something's wrong?" Elizabeth asked.
Jessica's description didn't sound like Robin at all. But Elizabeth knew her sister wasn't exaggerating. Lately a lot of people had noticed how irritable and strange Robin had been acting. And her desire to plan everything down to the most minor detail was driving the cheerleaders crazy.
Robin's obsessiveness was becoming apparent in other areas, too. Todd had told Elizabeth that the day before he had sat in Robin's usual seat in French class. Seats were not assigned, so Todd had really done nothing wrong. But Robin had "thrown a fit," in Todd's words. That didn't sound like the Robin Elizabeth knew.
"I don't know what's wrong with her," Jessica said huffily. "Maybe she got body-snatched and it's really an alien we're dealing with."
Elizabeth smiled, but she didn't think what Jessica had said was very humorous. It sounded too close to the truth. Robin was acting like a different person.
"And this dieting thing!" Jessica threw her hands up in a gesture of disgust. "You can hardly eat a carrot stick in her presence without her getting all weird about it."
"Yeah, I noticed." Elizabeth got into the car and waited patiently while Jessica checked her reflection in the rearview mirror.
"And that's not all," Jessica continued as she started the engine. "She doesn't even look good! In fact, I think she looks terrible! Did you notice her face? She's got big circles under her eyes and her cheeks are so hollow, it looks as if she's starving."
Elizabeth suddenly felt fr
ightened. The word starving had sent a wave of concern through her.
"Do you think she's actually starving herself?"
"Who knows?" Jessica sighed. "All I do know is that Robin Wilson is driving me nuts."
"I wonder if I should talk to her about it," Elizabeth mused. "I mean, if she's not eating anything, she's not dieting. She's fasting."
Jessica shook her head. "Forget it, Liz. You can't say anything to her about food."
"That's the whole problem. She won't even admit she's taking this diet thing too far." Elizabeth wished there was some way she could help her friend—before it was too late!
Nine
Robin snapped open her second can of diet soda and took a long swallow. When she put the can down, she looked around the cafeteria. For some reason the lunchtime crowd seemed noisier than usual but, at the same time, harder to hear. Every once in a while Robin became aware of a faint ringing in her ears.
Ignoring a tingle of uneasiness, Robin pulled her math book toward her and opened it. The geometry problems she tried to concentrate on became just a jumble of lines, arcs, angles, and numbers. She was supposed to be calculating the volume of a cone, but she couldn't hang on to the first part of the equation while she grappled with the second part. The Greek letters seemed to squiggle all over the page.
Robin pushed the book away and pressed one hand to her eyes. Then she took another deep swallow of her soda. The bubbles seared a path to her stomach.
"Robin, aren't you having anything to eat?" Elizabeth asked, sitting down beside her.
"No, I'm not hungry." Robin sat back in her chair and took a shaky breath. She felt so tired. All she wanted to do was take a nap. Her muscles ached, too. She moved her shoulders uncomfortably and winced.
Elizabeth watched her worriedly. "Robin, are you sure you're not taking your diet too far? I'm not trying to be nosy. I'm just worried."
"No, I'm . . ." Robin's voice trailed off. She wished Elizabeth would leave her alone. Robin turned her gaze away, hoping Elizabeth would take the hint. She spotted Lois and her boyfriend sitting at a table not far away.
Doesn't it bother him that Lois is heavy? Robin asked herself.
The Perfect Girl (Sweet Valley High Book 74) Page 6