Ah Cannae Tell a Lie

by Harry Morris

  The incident took place on a road in Greenock, with the female driver at one stage having the jumper covering her full face and both her hands, with it above her head.

  ‘Less than five yards ahead was a convoy of cars and lorries travelling along one of Inverclyde’s busiest roads,’ the spokesman added.

  ‘If the car in front had braked even slightly, a serious or even fatal collision would have been unavoidable, due to her careless and inexcusable behaviour on the road.’

  Apparently at one point, a police motorcyclist pursued her and drew up alongside, and was shouting at her, ‘Pull-over! Pull-over!’

  Whereby she screamed back at him, ‘Naw, ya plonker! It’s a JUMPER!’

  Once again, the MENstruation period for a woman was blamed in court for her totally out of character behaviour and subsequent outburst!

  We men get the blame for everything … The MENopause, the MENstrual cycle, the MENtal abuse, and MENingitis!

  What Drugs?

  …

  A young drug dealer, who resided with his grandmother, was rummaging about in his room one day.

  ‘Gran! Did you see a bottle of my tablets with LSD marked on the label?’

  To which his frail old grandmother replied, ‘Fuck your tablets! Have you seen the size of the dragons in that kitchen?’

  The Racial Card

  …

  I was in the police station performing desk duties and reading through the Daily Briefing Register, when I came across several complaints regarding a florist in the area who had repeatedly been warned about parking his vehicles on the double yellow lines at the corner of the main street and causing great difficulty for public transport turning onto the street.

  Steven, a young black officer on my shift, was working on the main street and was assigned to deal with the complaint, having been one of the officers who had issued him with a warning.

  Armed with his fixed penalty notice book, Steven left the office to deal with the matter.

  About an hour later, the door to the office opened and in walked a rather irate male florist.

  ‘I want to register a complaint about one of your police officers,’ he said rather indignantly.

  ‘Okay sir,’ I politely responded. ‘And what would your complaint be?’

  ‘I want to complain about him giving me parking tickets on my vehicles parked outside my shop!’

  ‘Were your vehicles parked illegally?’ I asked him.

  ‘I don’t think so, I own a shop there,’ he replied.

  ‘Well, who is the officer you wish to complain about?’ I enquired, knowing fine well it was Steven.

  ‘The policeman on the main street,’ he said.

  ‘Do you know his name or have his shoulder number?’ I asked.

  ‘I’ve left the parking tickets in the shop, but you must know him, he’s been about the main street all week!’

  Now at this point, he doesn’t want to mention the fact that Steven is black. So I decided to tease him a little, to see how far he would go before he had to say.

  ‘So it was the officer on the main street, you say?’

  ‘Yes, it was him!’

  ‘But you don’t know his name or number?’ I repeated.

  ‘No I don’t! But he’s on the main street right now, booking the rest of my vehicles,’ he replied.

  ‘Okay, sir!’ I said, slightly changing my direction. ‘Well can you describe him for me – you know, his height, is he fat, thin, hair colour, wearing glasses, does he have a moustache? You know what I mean; anything that would help me to identify the officer?’

  The florist was now beginning to squirm and feel a tad uneasy. Then out of the side of his mouth he mumbled, ‘He’s black!’

  ‘Sorry, sir. Did you say he’s back? I didn’t quite hear you.’

  ‘No! I said he’s black,’ he said louder, but more muffled.

  ‘I’m so sorry, sir, but I’m not hearing what you are saying. Can you repeat that for me?’ I asked, as he squirmed even more.

  Suddenly he composed himself, looked at me straight on, face to face, and blurted out, loud and clear, ‘He’s black!’ He then paused for a moment before continuing. ‘It’s that big black cop!’

  I allowed my mouth to drop open, creating a look of total shock and surprise at his outburst, pausing only long enough to be nominated for a BAFTA award for my acting performance.

  ‘Excuse me, sir, but are you complaining about him being black? I mean, I’d hate to think you were picking on this officer because of his skin colour.’

  ‘Certainly not. I’ve nothing against his skin colour,’ he said.

  But I continued in this vein. ‘I mean to say. It would not be the first time I’ve received malicious complaints, basically because of his colour.’

  ‘Not at all! In fact …’

  I interrupted as he was about to explain. ‘Please tell me you’re not a racist. Please! Are you, sir?’

  He looked at me for a moment, digesting my question, then said, ‘Tell you what, Officer, I think I’ll just forget about the entire incident. It was only a couple of poxy parking tickets!’

  At that he turned around and made for the office door.

  I called after him. ‘But your complaint, sir! What about your complaint?’

  ‘Forget it!’ he replied, slamming the office door shut as he left.

  I just love my job.

  Serving the members of the public and going out of my way to find an amicable solution to all their complaints!

  Using the odd bit of ‘black male’ along the way!

  P. T. E.

  …

  One Sunday morning, a police officer was on uniform mobile patrol duty, checking out the area for any stolen cars, abandoned from the previous night.

  As he drove along a stretch of derelict road, he came across two people acting suspiciously in the bus shelter.

  Due to the fact that the Sunday morning bus service would not start for another two hours, he decided he should pull over and check them out.

  However, as he drew closer to the shelter he realised that it was a male and female, and they were oblivious to his arrival, due to being totally engrossed in what can only be described as wild, passionate, sexual intercourse against the glass window of the shelter.

  Such was the erotic intensity and total focus of their love-making that before the officer could alight from his police car, the bus shelter glass window suddenly shattered under their pressure and they both fell through it, out onto the roadway screaming with ecstasy …

  Him with pain and her with a mixture of pleasure and pain!

  An ambulance was summoned immediately and they were both conveyed to the local Accident and Emergency.

  Their morning of Public Transport Eroticism resulted in her sustaining a fractured coccyx and him with two broken wrists and some minor lacerations from the bus-shelter glass.

  Who said outdoor sex wasn’t good fun?

  Embarrassing First Dates

  …

  If you were unlucky enough not to see this on the Tonight Show, I hope you’re sitting down comfortably and relaxed when you read this. It’s probably one of the funniest ‘First Date’ stories you’re ever likely to read.

  We have all encountered a bad date in our time, but this takes the prize!

  The American host Jay Leno went into the studio audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman had ever had.

  The overall winner described her worst experience, and there was absolutely no question as to why she took away the first prize.

  She described the scene: mid-winter … snowing heavily and quite cold … and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains, just outside Salt Lake City, in Utah.

  It was advertised as a day trip, with no overnight accommodation. After all, they were relative strangers and had never met before.

  The outing was basically just a bit of fun and relatively uneventful until they had packed up and were heading for home later that afternoon.


  As they made their way back down the mountain, she suddenly began to realise that she should not have drunk that extra latte.

  They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

  Her companion suggested that she try and hold on, which she did for quite a while.

  Unfortunately for her, because of the heavy snow falling, making it slow going, there came a point where she had to tell him that if he didn’t stop and let her go out to the side of the road, she might have an accident on the front seat of his car.

  Typical gentleman, on hearing these words, he made an emergency stop to allow her to get out of the car. Fortunately, she was wearing her fancy American pants, so one yank and they were down and she started almost immediately.

  However, due to the deep snow, she couldn’t get a good footing, so she sat back, letting her butt rest against the rear bumper of the car to steady herself.

  Her companion stood at the opposite side of the car looking out for other traffic and was indeed a real gentleman, as he refrained from having a peek!

  All she could think about was the relief she felt, despite the rather embarrassing situation she now found herself in.

  Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation as she tried to pull up her pants.

  Due to the heat from her body against the freezing cold car, her buttocks were stuck solidly against the bumper.

  Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately crossed her mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It quickly became apparent that she had encountered a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

  Horrified by her plight, but aware of the humour of the moment, she answered her date’s concern about why it was taking so long, with the reply that she was ‘freezing her butt off’ literally, and was in need of some urgent assistance.

  He walked around to her side of the car as she tried to cover up her modesty with her sweater and then she looked imploringly into his eyes and he burst out laughing!

  She too had a fit of the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her latest dilemma.

  As hysterical as the situation was, they were also faced with a serious problem, which they both agreed would require something hot to free her frozen cheeks from the grip of the metal.

  Thinking about what had occurred in order to get her into this predicament in the first place, they both quickly realised that there was only one way to free her …

  Drastic times call for drastic measures!

  So, as she looked the other way, her first date proceeded to unzip his trousers, whip out his manhood and pee over her butt, to thaw her out and free her from the frozen bumper.

  As the audience howled with laughter, she was presented with the Tonight Show prize, hands down.

  Perhaps that should read ‘pants down’!

  So there you go – and you thought your first date was embarrassing?

  Jay Leno’s comment: ‘This gives a whole new meaning to being totally pissed off!’

  And lastly, how did her first date turn out?

  He became her husband and was sitting alongside her in the audience!

  Harry’s Polis Contacts Page

  …

  Respectable Glasgow lawyer, 40 years old, seeks police-woman for live-in friendship, perhaps more. Duties will include cooking, typing, cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. Must be prepared to study for law degree, willing to drop her briefs at a moment’s notice, and take up soliciting as a full time career.

  Police Box 15/20

  Foreign to Me

  …

  I heard this story a long time ago and it still makes me laugh.

  Two female traffic officers were patrolling the M8 motorway when they observed a vehicle in front being driven erratically from lane to lane.

  Therefore the police officers decided to stop the vehicle and check the driver out.

  The driver of the car immediately obeyed the signal to pull over and stop, where he then climbed out and walked back to the traffic car to speak with the officers.

  The officers spoke with the male, who turned out to be a foreign visitor, who appeared none too steady on his feet and had to hold on to the police car for support.

  The foreign male was displaying all the classic signs of being under the influence of alcohol.

  After a few minutes, they were joined by the passenger of the car, who also appeared under the influence, but remained very quiet throughout the proceedings.

  The roadside procedure of a breath test sample proved to be positive and, taking hold of the driver, they informed him that he was now under arrest.

  It was only after the caution was administered that the driver asked in his broken English, ‘It is customary in this country to give the breath test to the passenger, yes?’

  As soon as he finished uttering this comment, the police officers looked over at his vehicle, which was foreign, with the steering wheel situated on the left-hand side, so the person whom they thought was the driver, was actually the passenger in the car.

  Fortunately, it wasn’t too late for them to rectify their mistake and duly arrest the real driver of the vehicle, who was standing alongside them watching the entire proceedings develop!

  Hungry or What?

  …

  Another sign I saw recently was a large poster board outside an Indian restaurant, which read:

  ‘TRY OUR CURRIES, YOU WON’T GET BETTER!’

  Well I’m afraid with adverts like that outside your shop, ‘NO ONE WILL TRY THEM, SO YOU WON’T GET ANY BUSINESS!’

  Who’s Laughing Now?

  …

  A convicted sex offender escaped from prison and broke into a house, where he tied up the young couple who lived in it.

  He then leaned over the female and appeared to be kissing her neck and saying something.

  When the convict eventually stopped and left them alone in a room while he went off to look for something to eat and drink, the husband leaned over and whispered to her.

  ‘Darling, I heard about this guy in the news. He’s a sex offender and he hasn’t been with a woman for years.

  ‘Don’t try to resist him. Just co-operate fully with whatever he wants you to do, and if it’s sexual intercourse, just do it and pretend you are really enjoying it – you don’t want to upset him!’

  Then he added, ‘Just remember, it won’t make a difference to our relationship. I’ll always love you!’

  His wife gave him a loving look and beckoned him to come closer to her, so she could whisper to him.

  ‘Darling, I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he was gay, he thinks you’re really cute, and asked where do we keep the Vaseline.’

  Then she added, ‘So don’t try to resist him. Just cooperate fully with whatever he wants you to do, and if it’s sexual intercourse, just do it and pretend you are really enjoying it, you don’t want to upset him!

  ‘Oh, and darling, just remember this: I’ll always love you too!

  ‘But after tonight … You’re on your own, gay boy!’

  Go Before You Go-Go!

  …

  Sometime back in 1997, two Greenock colleagues were instructed to attend at Inverness Police Headquarters to uplift a male being detained in custody, who was wanted on warrant.

  It was about 11.30 pm when they set off in an unmarked CID police vehicle.

  Now it just so happened that at this particular time the Hale-Bopp Comet could be clearly seen in the sky, and they seemed to be following it all the way to Inverness.

  After a few hours of driving, the police passenger was desperate for a pee and asked his partner to pull over at the next parking area.

  A few miles further along the A9 Perth road, they pulled in and stopped, and the desperate cop jumped out of the car and disappeared round the back of it.

  The sky was pitch black, with only the moon, stars and
comet clearly visible.

  The police driver was so enthralled by the comet that he didn’t take any notice of how long his partner had been away. However, a short while later he returned, cursing and swearing at his partner for not being the least bit concerned about his whereabouts, or the length of time it had taking him to return.

  It appears that the time lapse was due to him standing relieving himself at the rear of the police vehicle, whilst also staring up at the moon and stars, but as he did this, he took one step backwards, lost his footing and slipped down the wet embankment into a muddy wet ditch at the bottom.

  He stood there at the passenger door with his trousers covered in mud and his shoes and socks soaked right through.

  You would think seeing this pitiful sight before him would conjure up some sympathy from his partner. Not a chance!

  His partner immediately burst out laughing.

  After the laughter died down, and with still some distance to travel, it was suggested that he take his shoes and socks off, put his shoes on the dashboard of the car for heat and hang the socks out of the window, jammed, to allow the rush of air as they drove along to help dry them off.

  This done, they continued on their journey, but by the time they had reached their destination, his ankle socks had stretched and now resembled a black pair of nurse’s nylon stockings! They were also still wet, and his shoes had dried to a light brown colour, due to the covering of mud on them.

  This evoked more laughter from his unsympathetic partner.

  As they entered the police station, the driver felt it was his duty to reassure the custody sergeant that he had not picked up a hobo on his way up, and after relaying the story to them, more laughter ensued. The description of events did not prevent them from having to endure some strange looks from their fellow officers in Inverness.

  Fed and watered, cleaned and polished, they collected their prisoner for escort and made their way back down the A9, without any enforced stops, arriving back at their station before their shift finished.