Ah Cannae Tell a Lie

by Harry Morris

  To which the big female replied, ‘Well that’s nothing! If ye had waited for another five minutes afore coming tae the door, that wee bastard in there would have been the next tae go!’ She was referring to her boyfriend.

  It transpired that the boyfriend, who was a scrawny wee runt, had been cheating with the next-door neighbour and had been caught out.

  To make matters worse, Dick warned them that if he had to return due to them fighting and causing a disturbance, he would arrest them both for breach of the peace.

  At that, he left the house to return to the abandoned stolen car at the front of the tenement, when he heard an almighty crash coming from outside on the street.

  Thinking that someone had collided with the stolen car, he ran down the stairs and, as he looked outside, he saw the breakdown truck driver looking up at the building.

  When Dick looked over at his police panda car, he realised what the crashing sound had been, for embedded in the roof of his car was a fridge, with the contents scattered over the bonnet.

  A police van was summoned to attend at the locus, where the big female and her scrawny boyfriend were apprehended for breach of the peace and malicious mischief.

  As for the police panda, it was carted off along with the stolen car and, as a result of the damage caused by the fridge on the roof, it was subsequently written off.

  Because fridges are better when kept in the kitchen!

  Doing Good Business!

  …

  Two young entrepreneur businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon to be opened shopping store.

  As yet the store had only a few shelves and rails fixed to the walls.

  As they sat there savouring a cup of coffee, one said to the other, ‘I’ll bet you any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, look in the window, then open the door and ask what we’re selling.’

  As soon as the words were out of his mouth, sure enough, a curious Scotsman looked in the window, then opened the door and in a broad Scottish accent asked, ‘What are you selling in here?’

  One of the businessmen replied sarcastically, ‘We’re selling arseholes!’

  Quick as a flash the Scotsman replied, ‘Business must be doing very well … Only two left?’

  Englishmen, God bless them, they just shouldn’t mess with a Scotsman!

  Mistaken Identity

  …

  Two detective officers were investigating a complaint regarding a minor assault and attended at the house of a young mother.

  As they were invited inside the house, they noticed the grandmother was also present, but there was no sign of the child’s father.

  While the mother went off to the kitchen to make some tea, the detective sergeant decided to exercise the full extent of his people skills and entered into some small talk with the grandmother in the lounge.

  ‘That’s a nice photo of your grand-daughter on the mantelpiece behind you,’ he said.

  ‘Thank you!’ she replied.

  He then lifted the photograph up to look at it more closely.

  ‘I take it that must be your son-in-law holding the baby in that photograph there. He’s a big fella, isn’t he?’

  The grandmother slowly turned her head to look, and taking the photograph from his hand, she replied, ‘No, Detective Sergeant, he isn’t, that’s me!’

  The young detective constable accompanying him was sworn to secrecy regarding the incident, and in true police fashion, he told everyone and anyone!

  Penny For Your Thoughts

  …

  Two men are driving through Glasgow when they get stopped by a motorcycle cop for speeding.

  The driver rolls down his window as the cop approaches his side of the car. Suddenly the cop wallops him across the head with his torch.

  ‘Ouch! What was that for?’ the driver asks, rubbing his head.

  The motorcycle cop says, ‘In Glasgow, we expect drivers to produce their driving licence to us when we approach their window.’

  The cop then issues him with a speeding ticket.

  Just as the driver is about to roll up his window, the cop hits him over the head again.

  ‘Ouch! What the hell was that for this time?’ he asks.

  ‘In Glasgow when we issue you with a ticket, we expect you to be polite and say thank you!’ the cop replies.

  The driver duly obeys and thanks the motorcycle cop for issuing him with the speeding ticket, before quickly rolling up his window.

  The motorcycle cop then walks around to the passenger side and knocks on the window.

  As the passenger rolls down his window, the cop wallops him across the head with his baton.

  ‘Ouch!’ the passenger yells with the pain and says, ‘What the hell did you do that for?’

  ‘I was making your wish come true!’ the cop says.

  ‘What fucking wish?’ the passenger asks.

  ‘The one that you would have had fifty metres down the road, when you would have turned to your pal and said, “I wish that big bastard had tried that shit with me!”’

  That’s Okay!

  …

  My next-door neighbour was driving his daughter to school, when he inadvertently turned right at a ‘No Right Turn’ sign.

  ‘Shit! I just made an illegal turn,’ he said.

  ‘Don’t worry about it, Dad!’ replied his daughter. ‘The police car behind us did the exact same thing!’

  Order of the Court

  …

  True Stories from the Law Courts:

  PROCURATOR FISCAL:

  Is your appearance here in court this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which my office sent to your solicitor?

  WITNESS: No, this is how I always dress when I go to work.

  The Secrecy Button

  …

  During my time working at Craigie Street, we had an enquiry department who dealt with all public sudden deaths.

  A call would be received regarding a member of the public whose next of kin had been found within a house or had collapsed in the street and, as a result, had subsequently died.

  The officer attending the incident would obtain all details pertaining to the deceased and their relatives.

  If no death certificate was issued by their own GP then a post-mortem would be carried out to determine the cause of death.

  Thereafter, if no suspicious circumstances were found, a report would be issued, along with the death certificate.

  The inquiry department, or the officer dealing with the family, would contact them to call and uplift the certificate and the necessary funeral arrangements would then be made.

  This particular death involved an elderly Irishman and as per procedure his next of kin had been traced to Ireland and informed to attend.

  About seven of the family called the police station several times, and spoke with several of the inquiry team, who had difficulty understanding them, due to them talking fast, with unusual pikey accents, and celebrating his passing with a wake. However, due to a delay, they were asked to call back.

  Later that day they called and the officer answering the telephone instantly recognised who it was. ‘Hold on a minute and I’ll put you through to the officer dealing with it.’

  At that, he double-clicked the secrecy button – in effect, putting the phone on mute – but accidentally switched it off again and, not realising his mistake, he held the phone up and shouted out across the busy room.

  ‘Donald! It’s for you. It’s one of those drunken gadgie mob from Ireland on the phone about their uncle!’

  Everyone in the office focussed on the telephone and cringed!

  The Disturbance

  …

  Two cops attend a complaint regarding a disturbance coming from a tenement close house at three o’clock in the morning.

  After gaining entry to the house, they discover the householder playing loud music, singing and dancing.

  They arrest the male involved and he appears next morning at t
he court.

  The Sheriff asks him how he pleads to the charge of breach of the peace.

  ‘Guilty, m’lord, wi’ mitigating circumstances!’ he replies.

  ‘What mitigating circumstances?’ asks the Sheriff.

  ‘Ah cannae sleep!’

  ‘So what do you do all day?’ the Sheriff asks.

  ‘Well, I get up out of bed about nine o’clock and have a plate o’ cornflakes, followed by a bottle of whisky as a chaser.

  Then in the afternoon, I head for the pub for some lunch and have one, sometimes two bottles of wine. After which I head for the bookies for a wee flutter on the horses. Purely as a wee hobby and to give me something to think about.

  ‘After the last race, I’ll head for the chippie and get a fish supper for my tea, and usually wash it down with a bottle of malt whisky.

  ‘Some nights, before the pub shuts, I’ll nip down and have five or six pints of Guinness before I head for home.’

  ‘Let me just add that up,’ the Sheriff says. ‘You have two bottles of spirits, two bottles of wine and five or six pints of Guinness, and you say you can’t sleep?’

  ‘Correct!’ the accused replies.

  ‘How come?’ the Sheriff asks.

  To which the accused replies, ‘Cause I’m usually awake all night singing and dancing!’

  Carnival of Fun

  …

  A cop was on duty working at the carnival and he befriended one of the girls working there.

  They both agreed that at the end of his shift they would go back to her caravan on the site.

  As he entered her caravan, he was surprised by the amount of teddy bears and cuddly toys she had scattered around the room and on every work surface.

  After a night of passion, the cop rolled over and asked her, ‘So how did I do?’

  To which the female replied, ‘Help yourself to any prize on the bottom shelf!’

  Old Bob MacDonald

  …

  Old Bob was another who joined the police after completing his service with the armed forces – in this case, the Royal Navy.

  Fortunately, being ex-navy, he walked with a rolling gait, and coupled with the fact that he enjoyed a wee libation, on or off duty, day or night, this made his manner of walking the ideal cover for his liquid intake on many an occasion!

  It was his partners who had to look out, as he bumped into them regularly while they walked alongside him on the street.

  One nightshift, he was accompanied on the beat by a young probationer and, as was normal, the senior cop would show them the pubs – I mean the ropes!

  Anyway, they stopped off at several licensed drinking establishments on his beat and felt obliged to sample their wares on offer.

  Within a very short time, Bob was a wee bit under the weather. In other words, totally pished!

  The young probationer Neil, with considerably more sense, decided he had better take Bob away, out of view of the public and the supervisors.

  Neil guided Bob to the nearby Gorbals station – not a wise choice of venue.

  On seeing Bob’s condition, the duty sergeant instructed Neil to take Bob out of sight and sober him up!

  Neil didn’t have a lot of options open to him, so he took Bob into the shower room at the rear of the station.

  He carefully helped Bob undress and led him into the shower, in an attempt to try and sober him up.

  Bob was not for staying in, so Neil quickly stripped off too and went into the shower with him to prevent him from leaving.

  Unfortunately, the patrol sergeant big Bob Maguire was on the look-out for old Bob, and somehow tracked them down to the shower room.

  What a surprise for the sergeant when he entered the room, to find both beat cops in the shower together, one totally blootered and the other completely embarrassed and trying to rinse himself down the nearest drain.

  As procedure demands, the duty inspector was summoned to attend the shower room.

  Fortunately, he was very understanding and, despite protestations from the patrol sergeant, who wanted them sacked, the duty inspector instructed old Bob to be taken home to sober up.

  As a result of this episode, old Bob was banished to Pollokshaws police office to work inside, where he ended his police service in quiet solitude – and reasonably sober!!

  However, although rumours persisted about two naked police officers being found in the shower together, no mention was ever made about their identity … until now!

  But the question has to be asked:

  Why was the patrol sergeant more concerned about them having been drinking, and not the slightest bit bothered about them sharing the shower in their underwear?

  PART SEVEN

  Hospital Patter

  …

  Recently, my wife had to spend a few days in a Lanarkshire hospital and I went at visiting time to see her.

  She was sharing a room with three other women and as I walked into the ward she was in conversation with the patient in the next bed, a young girl in her late twenties, with two older woman patients directly opposite on the other side of the room.

  My wife immediately introduced me to the young woman, whose name was Casey from Easterhouse, in Glasgow.

  I tried to make polite conversation.

  ‘How come you’re in this hospital?’

  ‘I’m no’ really sure. Ah think the ambulance driver got lost and just dropped me aff here. Coming fae Easterhouse, ah should be in the Royal!’

  I then foolishly asked her what she was in the hospital with.

  To which she explained in her broken English – or should I say, broad Glaswegian accent, ‘The doctor said ah’ve got sumfin’ wrang wi’ ma pancreas. Ah don’t know whit the medical term for it is, but basically it’s fucked!’

  Slightly surprised by her blunt, descriptive answer, I replied, ‘Oh, right!’

  At that, she looked over at one of the older ladies opposite, who was rubbing her nose frantically, and asked, ‘Whit’s up wi’ yer nose, Aggie?’

  The elderly female strained her face and replied, ‘What?’

  ‘Ah said, whit’s up wi’ yer nose? Ye’re giving it pelters and rubbing it like mad.’

  To which Aggie then replied, ‘Oh, ah’m deaf, but it annoys me. Ah’m fed up telling them, I’m better without it, it’s just a bloody nuisance!’

  ‘Ye’re deaf because yer nose annoys ye?’ Casey asked.

  Aggie looked straight at her, still making faces and straining to hear. ‘Awe, bugger it, Casey, I’ll need tae put it on again. Ah cannae make oot a word ye’re saying, hen!’ After much hassle trying to find it, she fitted her hearing aid onto her ear and said, ‘Right, hen, whit were ye saying again?’

  To which Casey said, ‘Ah wis just wantin’ tae know if my radio was up too loud for ye!’

  This time Aggie replied, ‘Ah still cannae hear ye right. It’s that bloody radio of yours, it’s up too loud. You’re gonnae end up deaf!’

  Casey then looked over at my wife and gave a wicked smile, before saying, ‘Thank Christ you’re here, Marion! It’s been hellish. I’ve been desperate tae talk tae somebody normal! The only fun I’ve had was when Aggie was sleeping wi’ her gub wide open and I was trying tae throw grapes in it tae waken her up.’

  ‘Oh right!’ my wife replied, before looking over at me, raising her eyebrows and whispering, ‘Cancel the fruit!’

  The Siamese Twins

  …

  Two Siamese twin brothers decided to take a trip to France.

  Due to their physical condition, there was great interest in their arrival and as a result the media were never far away.

  After a week, one of the big TV companies asked for an interview with them, to which they agreed.

  ‘Do you come to France because of the wonderful cuisine?’

  ‘No! We do not enjoy the food. It’s minging!’ they replied.

  ‘Well, is it for our fine wines?’ they were asked.

  ‘No! The wine tastes like pure piss,’ they
said bluntly.

  ‘Well! Is it the wonderful sights, like the Eiffel Tower?’

  ‘No! That’s just a pile of scrap metal,’ was their response.

  ‘Well, if you do not like our food, our wine and our wonderful sights, why do you come to France?’ the TV interviewer asked.

  To which one of them replied, ‘It’s the only time my brother gets a chance at the driving!’

  Marriage Means Sharing

  …

  An elderly couple entered Burger King and sat down at a table. After a few minutes, the old man got up and walked over to the counter where he placed an order for a hamburger with French fries and a drink.

  He then returned to the table where his wife was seated waiting for him and unwrapped the hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

  Next, he counted out the French fries, dividing them equally into two small piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

  At that, he took a sip of the drink, then his wife took a sip, and placed the cup on the table between them.

  The old man began to eat his half of the burger.

  All the while, the people seated next to them were looking over and whispering.

  Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple, all they can afford is one meal between the two of them!’

  As the old man finished his half of the hamburger, he began to eat his share of the French fries, when a young man came up to their table and politely offered to buy them another meal.

  The old man replied that they were fine and that they were used to sharing everything.

  Other diners closer to them noticed that the old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally took turns at sipping the drink.