What I've Done

by Jen Naumann

  “I know that, Eli!” I yell. “Maybe now would be a good time to fill me in on this other big secret you’re so insistent on protecting! Maybe then I could understand everything you’re trying to tell me a little better!”

  He continues to stare into the distance, seemingly un-phased by my little fit. “Don’t ask me things you don’t want to know the answer to.”

  I huff angrily. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  His cold body language tells me he is done with our conversation. The little girl in me wants to curl into a little ball and cry with the overwhelming amount of pent up frustration, but the older and more worldly me knows that it wouldn’t solve anything. It is a crappy end to my eighteenth birthday.

  * * *

  Monday morning at school Gabe is beyond friendly, trying to take my hand and giving me zero personal space. I do not return any of his romantic gestures, however. Although I can’t actually see him anywhere, I know Eli is watching nearby. It is not until just before lunch that I finally see him. He is leaned up against my locker, waiting for me. Our eyes meet and I instantly wish we were alone. He would not kiss me last night other than on my cheek before he left. Our kisses from the other night had replayed through my mind a million times and I am aching for more.

  “What time is your hearing?” he asks. From the stiff way he stands beside me I know he is trying his hardest not to get too involved with my emotions.

  I look straight ahead at his chest so he won’t see the despair on my face as I answer, “four.” There still remains an air of tension between us after our conversation from the night before, so he does not reach for me as I wish he would. Annoying tears spring into my eyes.

  “You can do this, Lily. I will be there. Whatever happens, I’ll help you get through this.”

  His sympathetic words cause a lone tear to escape down my cheek. “It’s not the court hearing that I’m worried about.”

  I lift my eyes to meet his. The cold demeanor almost literally melts from his face when he realizes what I am talking about—I am afraid I will lose Eli forever after my foolish kiss with Gabe.

  All of a sudden, Gabe is standing right beside us.

  The panic of finally seeing the two of them together has my tongue literally tied. With my heart pounding wildly, I wipe my tears and try to push aside the overwhelming feeling that I may vomit. My eyes dart between the two of them, wondering how the whole scene is about to play out.

  “You ready for lunch?” Gabe asks me casually.

  His eyes don’t acknowledge Eli but there is an edge of annoyance in his tone making it clear that he is well aware of his presence. Gabe watches me closely, waiting for my answer.

  I balk at his casual attitude. He had ignored me for weeks on end, but after kissing me in the alley he thinks things are back to normal? I do everything in my power to resist his influences that I can feel bouncing off of him.

  “I…um…actually, I am going to eat with Eli,” I say in a small voice.

  Gabe finally turns to Eli, his dark eyes silently sizing him up. Eli holds his jaw taut, holding back something I know he wants to say about the situation. The intensity in the air is so thick I fear I will begin to suffocate from it. I wonder if it is this nerve wracking every time two angels with different intentions are together.

  I finally burst out into a loud snicker that surprises even me. “Really? You’re both going to just stand there and pretend like you don’t already know each other? Like we all don’t know what is really going on?”

  My panic escalates when I consider I may have to deal with both of them beside me for an entire meal, but from the way in which Eli’s entire body tenses up I can guess it won’t happen.

  “I can’t stay,” he says, his voice blunt.

  He probably isn’t lying—it could quite possibly kill him to sit at the same table with me next to Gabe. We all know he is only in school for my benefit and is always watching me from a distance anyway, but then again, Gabe is probably only in school for my benefit as well. I love Eli but can’t imagine forcing myself to go back to school if the situation was reversed.

  “Another time then,” Gabe replies, his expression hard.

  Eli’s expression is not any softer. “You can count on it.”

  The whole scene playing out before me is just too much to take and I don’t know what to say or do. Gabe takes the opportunity to slip his hand into mine but I pull away. My eyes turn to plead for Eli’s forgiveness, but he is already looking away.

  “I’ll see you later,” I tell Eli in a hopeful tone.

  “Last period, Earth Science,” he answers, nearly causing me to chortle out loud. He just happens to be in the two classes Gabe had not been able to get into. In the blink of an eye he is gone, having disappeared among the hoard of students.

  Gabe turns to me the second we are alone. There is an odd little smile playing on his lips that is anything but kind and his influences take over me, just like that. “What do you say we skip lunch and see if you are able to enter the realm of angels?”

  * * *

  We stand alone in behind the school where the grassy knoll of campus meets the industrial area. It is filled with large machines of various purposes that hum noisily as they work. The area is surrounded by tall chain linked fences that keep it inaccessible to curious kids. Most of the students are hidden around the corner in the center of campus, enjoying their lunches. The sun is hidden behind a slew of clouds and the dark afternoon seems to be rather fitting for the situation.

  “I have to be back for court at four,” I say to Gabe, my nerves on high alert.

  “Don’t worry. Time up there is not like time down here on earth,” Gabe tells me. “No matter what, it will be like we were gone for only minutes here.”

  What we are about to do scares me nearly to death as I have no idea what to expect. The need to see my father again has taken over any rational thoughts that try to talk me out of doing this. Gabe’s warm, dark eyes do their job of calming me and he takes my hands in his. All at once I am overly aware of the slower pace my heart has taken on and my now shallow, uneven breaths.

  The innocent and uncomplicated friend I had trusted just a few days ago reappears as he looks back at me. “You have to totally concentrate on nothing other than my voice. I will lead you there if your mind is completely open.”

  Shutting my eyes with a wistful movement, I try to do as he says. But it proves difficult to push aside the visions of myself floating through an empty space to my parents who are waiting for me with arms wide open. I imagine them being young and handsome again, like they were when I was a little girl. My mind gets carried away with what I would say to my parents and how they would react to seeing me. Nothing is happening to me physically, however-I can feel the concrete still firmly beneath my feet.

  “No!” Eli’s voice unexpectedly yells out, breaking my line of concentration.

  When I open my eyes we are still standing behind the school as I had suspected, but Eli is now standing beside Gabe, his face flooded with worry. My heart soars at the sight of him, but he doesn’t even look in my direction. He forcefully pulls my hands out of Gabe’s reach.

  “You can’t take her there, Gabriel. She’s not a pure angel. It could be dangerous for her. Don’t you get that?”

  Gabe glares at Eli so intensely I feel the anger bouncing off of him. This is more of the heated reaction I had been expecting when seeing them meet before my eyes for the first time.

  “This is her choice,” Gabe tells him. “I’m not making her do this. You’re the one that’s so big on free will. Isn’t that one of the rules you straight laced angels have to follow? Doesn’t the big guy upstairs preach how important it is for you to let humans follow their heart?”

  Eli glances at me briefly, his eyes filled with question, but he shakes his head and turns back to Gabe. “It doesn’t matter. It may not be safe for her. Don’t do this to her.”

  I pull on his arm when my own anger boils to the top. “
I’m right here, Eli. Don’t talk about me like I’m not standing right next to you. This is what I want—a chance to see my father again. Why didn’t you tell me this may actually be possible? You said you have to be a pure angel, but you didn’t know that for sure, did you?”

  He takes a step closer to me, balling his hands into large fists at his sides with frustration.

  “Because it’s dangerous. I’m not going to let you risk your life doing something like this. A half-human has never attempted to do this before, Lily, and I don’t know what the consequences will be. If nothing else, I have a feeling it would anger the elders and that is not a chance I want to take.”

  “Why don’t you tell her what all of this is really about, Elijah?” Gabe says. “Tell her why it is you want her so badly to choose you and why you would give your life for her. Tell her about the future that you have seen for her. It’s the reason you and I are here right now, isn’t it?”

  Frowning at both of them, I wonder what they could possibly be talking about now. It had been enough to learn that they are angels and I was part-angel, but Gabe makes it sound like there is something even bigger at play. Maybe this is the big secret I know Eli has been keeping from me.

  Impatiently, I cross my arms firmly in front of my chest and wait for Eli to explain. But not to my surprise, Eli hangs his head in defeat and refuses to meet my gaze. His eyes close for a moment and he sighs, his chest rising with the deep breath.

  “I can’t.” His eyes flip back open to settle on Gabe.

  Gabe wraps an arm around me. “Well I can.” He spins me around to face him, his eyes gentle and comforting.

  “Gabriel!” Eli shouts in warning, but we both ignore him.

  I take a deep breath in anticipation of the secret Eli has been too afraid to tell me. Gabe almost appears to be amused as he looks into my eyes. We all know he is enjoying every minute of telling me something Eli refuses to.

  “Lily, you will eventually be one of the strongest half-angels that ever lived, not to mention one of the very few females that have made it to adulthood. In the future you will have a baby with a full angel. That child could potentially have the power to control all angels. He would have the ability to forever live on both earth and the realm of angels, becoming virtually unstoppable.”

  I feel the earth moving under me as I am hit with a sea of overwhelming thoughts.

  My child?

  It has been all of twelve hours since I became an adult. I have absolutely no desire to bear a child with anyone—maybe not ever. Being homeless with no money and a little sister that I struggle daily to keep safe is hard enough. Something major would have to change before I would ever wish for such a thing. Surely this future they have seen for me is wrong. Even if I did want a baby one day, is Gabe trying to tell me my child would be a one-of-a-kind half-angel with the power to change life as we know it?

  My eyes drift between the two angels, hoping for some kind of refuge from either one of them, but they only stand and look back at me in sullen silence. Gabe appears pleased that someone has finally told me and Eli looks to be horrified that I have learned of the brutal truth he had been unable to tell me of.

  After a long minute passes, Eli takes a step forward and says my name, wanting to comfort me. Gabe darts out between us with intent of sheer malice plastered all over his face. They are literally at each other’s throats so fast the half human in me doesn’t even see it happen right away. I don’t know if angels can actually hurt each other or not, so I scream for them to stop, pulling on Eli’s arm.

  I watch in horror as they continue to scuffle together, their violent arms pushing each other around. Neither one of them seems to feel any pain from the punches thrown, but they both have determination in their eyes that is unmistakable.

  Gabe pushes Eli to the ground and they begin rolling around for the top position. I look for anyone that could possibly help me stop them, but we are still alone behind the building. Any human that saw their quarrel with unusual speed may be freaked out, anyway, and for all I know it is some major violation for angels to be seen by humans when using their abilities.

  “Please!” I cry out. “Stop this, both of you!”

  I try reaching in between them again to pull on Gabe this time. A stray arm from the battle flashes out so briskly that I can’t even see who it belongs to, and strikes me right in the forehead. A sharp pain radiates throughout my skull and in a few short seconds the daylight surrounding me begins to fade away.

  * * *

  I wake to a set of slender hands pressing something cold against the back of my head. When I look up to see the blurry outline of a woman smiling down at me, I thrust myself up against the wall behind me faster than would be visible to the human eye. I am both shocked and horrified that I was able to do something like that without even trying.

  The woman holds her hands up high in a peaceful gesture and I hear a familiar laugh.

  “Whoa, you are fast! I’m not going to hurt you, Kuuipo.”

  My eyes blink rapidly until I can see it is Kalia sitting beside me. I am on the couch in the back of her shop, surrounded by the out dated surf boards and stacks of old magazines that Kalia is too sentimental to throw away.

  Kalia is wearing an elegant, flowing Hawaiian-print dress in bright colors with spaghetti-straps that tie over her lovely shoulders. It is more clothing that I have ever seen her wear in the time I have known her. She looks radiant with her hair pulled into a tight bun at the base of her neck and shimmering makeup applied to her eyes and face. My heart soars at the sight of her, even though she doesn’t totally look like her usual self.

  She watches me with care. “I was afraid we were going to have to take you to a hospital if you didn’t wake soon. You were pretty out of it.”

  Leaning away from the wall and slipping back onto the seat of the couch, I use great care when rubbing the back of my head. An egg-sized bump has formed from my fall in the school yard.

  I inhale and exhale deeply. “How did I get here? What time is it?”

  Kalia frowns and gives me the towel she is holding. ”You need to take it easy. You cracked your head pretty good and you’re going to have a bit of a headache. Eli left you here, knowing you would be okay. You have a couple hours yet before your court hearing.”

  The towel is cold with a few nuggets of ice wrapped inside so I hold it against the bump. The sharp sting of the ice against my wound causes me to wince, but only for only a moment.

  “Is Eli okay?” I ask.

  Kalia’s light, musical laugh sounds as pleasant as ever to hear. “I think the better question is are you okay?”

  The pain in my head seems to bang more furiously. “My head hurts something awful.”

  “Getting knocked out by a couple of dueling angels is not something I would want to try.” Her eyes sparkle with the surprising revelation that she is in the know.

  “Are you-?” I gasp, only to be interrupted by her musical laughter again.

  Her face lights with pure amusement at my question. “You’re going to flatter me by asking if I am an angel?”

  She is extremely stunning and seems to have a connection with Gabe that goes farther than what they were letting on, so I am not sure. I have had my suspicions since learning the truth but was too afraid to ask her, in case I was wrong.

  “I have been told some pretty whacked out things in the past few days,” I tell her. “I don’t think it would be too hard for me to believe right now if you told me you are a fairy.”

  “Well that’s a relief. I was afraid we were going to have to do the whole ‘clap your hands if you believe in fairies’ scenario if you didn’t think I was real.”

  My eyes grow wider. “What? You’re like a real fairy?”

  She throws back her head and a peal of laughter comes out before I realize she was only playing with me. “Of course not! How hard did you hit that head of yours?”

  “Very funny,” I mumble, admittedly a little amused, in spite of myself.
>
  I am beginning to believe all the stories I was told as a little girl could be real. It is hard to know when to open my mind up even further with everything I have learned. The new reality and life as I thought it to be feel like they are beginning to blur together to form something new.

  Kalia regains her composure and smiles pleasantly. “Actually, I was an angel, once upon a time.”

  My breath catches in my chest. What little I know about angels, I at least do know what this means. “You fell for a human?”

  Eli hadn’t told me if there were other ways an angel could actually “fall,” so I am only assuming that is what happened, even though I know Kalia is not married and lives alone. But she nods in response, her graceful dark hair falling around her tanned shoulders. She looks down for a moment with an unparalleled sadness.

  “He was the most beautiful human I had ever seen, and he was so kind. It didn’t take very long for us to fall in love.”

  I realize she speaks of him in past tense. “Did something happen to him?”

  She nods again, her eyes flickering away from me as she speaks. “We were together a very short time before he died in a surfing accident.”

  How could something so unfair happen when she had made such a monumental sacrifice? Although shocked by her disclosure, I am able to see my friend in an entirely new light. Eli had said the love an angel feels for their human is beyond profound and my mother had not been strong enough to survive losing that love. I imagine Kalia is still suffering tremendously from the loss of hers.

  My heart hurts for her on so many levels. “I’m sorry. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you.”

  Her bright smile returns as she faces me again, although her eyes are still reflecting an inner sadness. “I know I’ll see him again, one day.” All at once I know the flirting I have seen her do with customers has never been anything other than that – innocent flirting. She knows she has lost the love of her life and holds on to the hope of seeing him again.