Living in Secret: Living In..., Book 3

by Jackie Ashenden

  Her stomach clenched and for a second she didn’t quite know what to say since that was not the response she’d been expecting in any way, shape or form. “What do you mean, ‘what if I don’t want to sign them’? I thought we’d agreed that if we’re still separated after a year, we’d make it permanent.”

  “I’m aware of what we’d agreed.”

  She didn’t understand the look in his eye or the strange, hard expression on his face. “Are you telling me you’ve changed your mind?”

  “I haven’t said anything of the kind. I only asked a question. Which you haven’t answered.”

  “You have to sign them, Connor.”

  “I don’t have to do anything, Victoria.”

  She stared at him, frustration coiling inside her, along with a fair degree of puzzlement. He’d let her go so easily when she’d suggested they spend time apart, after he’d confronted her with Jessica’s letter. It had been the only time she’d seen him anything less than composed and to be honest, it had surprised her. Because over the past couple of years of their marriage, she’d got the impression that she wasn’t so much as wife to him as an accessory to his career. To be fair, he’d always given that impression and initially, that’s exactly what she wanted since he was her accessory too.

  They’d been like colleagues, workmates. Their discussions mostly revolving around their jobs: the prosecutions the police contracted to his firm and the growing field of technology law that was her specialty.

  Separate bedrooms and mostly separate lives.

  But ever since desire had screwed everything up, she found she wanted more than that. And part of her had been hurt he hadn’t wanted to fight for her. Then again, why she had expected anything different, she couldn’t understand.

  Connor’s perfect reputation was important to him and he’d wanted the perfect wife to go along with it. A woman with a past and a child she’d given up for adoption when she was sixteen was not perfect.

  “So…you won’t sign them?” She studied his face, looking for clues. And that too felt familiar. Seemed like she was always watching him, looking for a hint, anything that would give her some insight into what he was thinking or feeling.

  “I’ll sign them when I’m ready and not before.”

  Frustration gave way to anger, but she swallowed it down the way she always did. “Let me get this straight. You’re quite happy to have a separation but now you don’t want to sign the divorce papers because…?”

  He lifted a shoulder as if unconcerned, yet the spark in his gaze was slowly gathering more and more heat. “This case is taking up a lot of my time, and quite frankly I have a lot of other things to do that take precedence.”

  “All they need is a signature, for God’s sake.”

  “Which I’m not ready to give just yet.”

  Her mouth tightened. “That’s extremely inconvenient.”

  “I’m not here for your convenience.”

  “No and you never have been.” She couldn’t stop an acid bite from tingeing the words. “Only for your own.”

  The spark leapt in his gaze, a bright, intense flash of blue. Anger.

  A shock of surprise went through her. Why the hell was he angry? Surely he wanted this divorce as much as she did?

  “You’re right,” he said coldly. “This is for my own convenience. And it’s not convenient for me to sign those papers yet.”

  “Then when?” A little devil twisted inside her. “I would have thought you’d be chafing at the bit to get rid of me.” She allowed herself a smile. “After all, you were quite happy to let me go.”

  Connor didn’t move. “You were the one who decided to leave, Victoria.”

  “And I got no arguments from you.”

  “Because I respected your choice.”

  Because you didn’t care.

  The words echoed in her head and she had to look away in case his sharp gaze could read them in her eyes.

  “This is an old argument,” she said, staring past him, over the city and the skyscrapers glittering in the last of the early evening sunlight. “And it’s pointless to have it again. Just sign the papers, please. I want them back to me in three weeks.” She began to turn.

  “I’m not signing them,” Connor said, and this time, beneath the smooth, cold darkness of his voice, Victoria caught a hint of something else. A slight roughness that hadn’t been there before. “Not yet.”

  She stilled and turned back.

  And the silence that fell between them now felt different. Charged in a way she hadn’t experienced before, at least not with him.

  Heat crept over her skin, a prickling sensation like an electric field passing over her. Because he was looking at her the way he’d looked at those jurors in the courtroom. With intent, determination. Like a hunter spotting prey.

  The breath caught in her throat and she could feel the heat begin to intensify, a burning wave sweeping over her, making her want to run and hide, and yet get down on her knees in front of him at the same time. And along with the heat came the shock.

  She’d always thought he was a passionless man and it had only been in the past couple of years she’d gotten hints he wasn’t quite as passionless as he’d made out, only very, very locked down. She’d just never expected to see that passion directed at her.

  Which made it doubly important that he sign those papers and for her to get out and away from him. He was no longer the safe option and the quicker she got away from him the better.

  “Whatever it is you’re holding onto,” she said, keeping her voice cold, “you’d better let it go. It’s over, Connor.”

  His eyes gaze held hers, and for a second that hot, blue spark was all she could see. “No, Victoria,” he said softly. “It isn’t.”

  Chapter Two

  Connor sat at a table near the bar in the Ivy Room of the Auckland Club, the exclusive private members club that his friend Kahu owned. It was Thursday night, which meant drinks with Kahu and Eleanor, his other law school friend, plus their respective partners.

  He normally enjoyed Thursday nights. It was a chance to catch up with his friends and relax, let the leash slip a little. He’d been especially looking forward to it this week since the murder case he was working on was tough and had been occupying rather more space in his brain than it should have.

  Yet he found he just couldn’t relax like he normally would have. He was wound up, antsy and tense.

  It was all Victoria’s fault. If she hadn’t turned up at the Law Society drinks the week before, if she hadn’t turned her back on him and walked out, he would have been fine. He certainly wouldn’t have had this inexplicable anger burning dully away inside him like the embers of a smoldering fire. An anger that had prompted him to say things he’d never meant to say. Like telling her he wasn’t going to sign those papers. Like telling her it wasn’t over.

  Stupid bloody thing to say. Because it was over. And no wonder she’d turned her back on him and walked out without another word. She knew a lie when she heard it. So why the hell had he said it in the first place?

  “You’re particularly broody tonight,” Kahu said, taking a sip of his beer and eying him. “Or maybe pissed is more accurate.”

  “I’m not pissed.” Damn liar.

  His friend’s dark, skeptical gaze gave him the once over. “Still haven’t signed those divorce papers, huh?”

  Connor had told Kahu about Victoria’s divorce proceedings in a moment of weakness. He didn’t normally share things like that with his friend, mostly because once you’d started with one secret, pretty soon you’d spill all of them and there was no way he was going down that road. Certainly he regretted telling Kahu, mainly because he didn’t want to have to explain why he still hadn’t signed the papers. Jesus, he couldn’t even explain that to himself, let alone someone else.

  No wonder last week Victoria
had looked at him like he’d just dropped in from Mars. And that had made him even angrier. He wasn’t used to explaining or justifying himself, and the fact that he felt so oddly inarticulate in front of her had been fuel to the fire inside him.

  Being inarticulate was not a good trait in a lawyer.

  It hadn’t helped he’d also been so very conscious of her perfume on the balcony, a complex, subtle scent beneath the fumes from the road below and the salt on the air from the sea. Over the years he’d made himself ignore it so that these days he barely even registered it. But something to do with his anger and her turning up out of the blue like that had triggered a sudden, intense awareness of the smell of magnolia blooms and rain, like a tropical thunderstorm, full of sharp static and drowned flowers.

  He didn’t want to be conscious of that scent. Or of the way that deep red blouse of hers had pulled across her breasts when she breathed in. Or the way her mouth, almost the same color as her blouse, had tightened when he’d told her he wasn’t signing her papers.

  His desire for her was a need he’d conquered years ago, so he shouldn’t have been so physically aware of her now.

  And yes, that failure had made him angrier still.

  So he’d said no. Told her he wouldn’t be signing her damn papers. And he didn’t give a damn whether she was leaving the country or not, he’d sign those papers only when he was good and ready. And he wasn’t ready.

  You want to punish her.

  The thought made him extremely uncomfortable so he ignored it.

  “No,” he said flatly. “I haven’t signed the papers.”

  Kahu took another sip from his bottle. “Why not?”

  His friend’s gaze had shifted to the woman behind the bar, a small, slender strawberry blonde who was currently standing on the tips of her Converse sneakers as she chatted with Eleanor, also at the bar ordering more drinks. Lily, Kahu’s young dancer.

  Connor hadn’t approved and he still didn’t, not that Kahu gave a damn about his approval. But there was something about the open hunger in his friend’s eyes whenever he looked at Lily that Connor found appalling.

  You’re not appalled. You’re jealous.

  “Because I haven’t,” he said tersely. “Do I need a reason?”

  “I suppose not.” Kahu’s attention flickered back to him once more. “Maybe the real question isn’t whether you’ve signed the papers. Maybe the real question is why are you so angry?”

  Connor opened his mouth to reply.

  “And don’t tell me you’re not angry, you fucking liar,” Kahu said before he could speak. “I know you, man. You hide it well, but I know when you’re angry.”

  Connor shut his mouth and took a sip of his own beer instead. “Where’s Luc?” he asked, changing the subject. Eleanor’s partner had just passed his bar exams and apparently there was going to be some kind of celebration. Connor didn’t approve of Eleanor’s choice either. Luc was much younger and far more intense than was good for any person. Plus he had an air of tightly leashed violence around him that made Connor instantly wary.

  Then again, the man was fiercely protective of Eleanor for which Connor gave him a pass. And as for Lily, well, apart from her age which he thought made Kahu seem faintly ridiculous, he had nothing against her. Except that since she’d gotten a position in a ballet company in Sydney, it meant Kahu would be selling the club and moving there to be with her. Which was all very nice for Lily, but Connor couldn’t see what Kahu was getting out of the deal.

  “He’s having an interview with some firm or other,” Kahu said carelessly. “And don’t change the subject.” He paused, his gaze turning uncomfortable. “What did she do?”

  Connor didn’t need to ask him who he meant. For a second he sat there, then realized he was fiddling with the beer bottle in his hands. Uncharacteristic for him since he wasn’t normally a fiddler.

  Damn, did he really have to have this conversation? Ah hell, might as well say something. Kahu wasn’t going to be around for too much longer after all and the guy already knew about the divorce proceedings.

  You tell them one thing, pretty soon all the rest comes out too…

  Connor ignored the thought. “She turned up at the Law Society drinks last week.”

  “Uh huh. Don’t tell me. She wanted to know why you hadn’t signed the papers too.”

  “Yes.”

  “And you said…?”

  “I’d sign them when I was ready.”

  Kahu’s mouth turned up. He seemed to be all about smiles these days. “Jesus Christ, Connor. Anyone would think you don’t actually want to divorce your wife.”

  The bottle in his hands was starting to get warm, half the label peeled away. He put it down on the table. “She’s the one who wanted the divorce, not me.”

  “So you don’t want to divorce her then?”

  The anger simmering inside him began to come to a slow boil. He put his hands on his thighs, trying to relax his fingers. If he ignored the emotion, eventually it would go away. That’s what happened with most emotions. “What I would like is to move on.”

  “Fucking hell. Sign the papers then.”

  Connor let out a slow breath. Then he met his friend’s gaze. “I still want her, Kahu.”

  The other man frowned. “I don’t see the problem. Fuck her. Then sign the papers.”

  “Jesus, as if it’s that easy.”

  “Sure it’s that easy.”

  Connor glanced over at Lily, who was now turning in a slow pirouette at the bar, Eleanor grinning at her. “It may have been that easy for you, but it’s not that simple with us.”

  Kahu’s grin changed, as if he was thinking of some kind of private joke. “Easy is a relative term, I guess. Okay, maybe I see your point. But I still don’t get the problem.”

  “It’s not like we’re friends anymore. We’re separated.” Connor didn’t want to explain the fact that physical passion had never played a part in their marriage, especially to Kahu who before he’d fallen for Lily, had been one of Auckland’s biggest playboys. Kahu’s usual modus operandi had nothing to do with restraint, while his own… Well, restraint was his whole life. It was better that way.

  Except for now. Except for her.

  She’d always been the exception. Which was why he’d married her. Because if he could beat his hunger for her, he could beat anything. And he had beaten it. For five years he’d ignored it and pretty soon he’d ceased to feel it anymore.

  Which made it strange he kept thinking about it now. Perhaps it was the fact he hadn’t been with a woman since he and Victoria had split up. There had been plenty of opportunity, but first he’d been too busy at work and then… Then he just hadn’t been interested.

  “Okay, again, so what?” Kahu picked up his bottle again, waved it at Connor. “You don’t have to be friends for a good screw. You only have to both feel the same way. So…does she?”

  Good question. Did she? She’d never given him a sign that she did, not once.

  Do you even want to know?

  Another good question. Because if she did feel it and knew he did too…

  Once again a hot, raw sensation burst through him, the deep pull of desire that had his breath catching. Christ, this shouldn’t be happening.

  “No,” he said curtly, ignoring that too. “I’m pretty sure she doesn’t.”

  “That’s a shame.” Kahu sipped meditatively at his beer. “Because you know, if she did, you might want to organize yourself a nice little arrangement.”

  Connor narrowed his eyes. “What kind of arrangement?”

  The other man smiled. “The kind of arrangement where you fuck away your feelings.”

  “Jesus.”

  “What? I hear it works.”

  “And naturally you’re speaking from experience.”

  Again the other man’s gaze went to
the woman behind the bar, the look in his eyes softening. “Yeah. But it didn’t work out for me so well. I got stuck with my feelings.”

  Clearly this was a good outcome judging by the expression on his friend’s face. But it wouldn’t be for Connor. He didn’t want to be stuck with the anger. Or the desire, for that matter. What he wanted was for both to be gone so he could get on with his damn life.

  Then again…

  What have you got to lose?

  “Got a buyer for this place yet?” he asked, another graceless change of subject.

  Kahu didn’t take his eyes off Lily. “An old friend of mine is keen. He’s just getting the finances together and then he’s going to make me an offer.”

  Connor paused. “Are you sure you want to sell?”

  His friend flashed him a grin. “I’m sure. Like you, I want to move on. But this time it’s going to be moving on to something different. Something new.”

  “In Sydney? Really?”

  Kahu laughed. “It’s not Sydney that makes it different, mate. It’s Lily.” He finished his beer, put it down on the table and gave Connor a brief, meaningful look. “And I don’t think you quite understand that yet, do you?”

  Connor stared at him. “What are you talking about?”

  Kahu shook his head. “With any luck, you’ll find out. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go help Lily with her…stretches.” He got up from the table and Connor watched as he strode through the tables and crowds scattered around the room, heading toward the bar.

  And he kept watching as Kahu rounded the bar and came up behind his slender dancer, putting his hands on her hips and pulling her close. She smiled, lifting an arm to wind up and around his neck. Eleanor said something, making Lily laugh. And Kahu’s arms slid completely around her, holding her as if she was something precious.

  Connor tore his gaze away, a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. Like loss or grief, he couldn’t tell which.