Between These Walls

by John Herrick

  A few moments later, heading toward his locker, Hunter grimaced in shame.

  Here on the church basketball court, Hunter had covered his lap with the basketball, but now felt safe to stand up. All felt normal below his waist.

  Hunter grabbed his keys and said good-bye to his buddies.

  Upon turning his back, his countenance fell.

  His pace more sluggish than usual, he walked toward the parking lot and unlocked his car with his keychain remote. The car’s alarm mechanism emitted a quick bleep.

  “What’s wrong with me, God?” he asked.

  CHAPTER 11

  On Monday, Hunter’s mind returned to his conversation with Ellen the previous week. She, too, had wondered if Gabe was gay? Now Hunter was curious.

  He should fix his attention upon his relationship with Kara, Hunter told himself, but a piece of himself felt drawn to Gabe. Hunter couldn’t put his finger on why, but in the short time they had known each other, he found comfort in Gabe’s presence, in knowing Gabe was near. Though Hunter wasn’t accustomed to confiding in anyone, or sharing his concerns or passions, when he was with Gabe, he wanted to.

  The best way Hunter could describe it was that Gabe possessed a quality Hunter needed in his own life, a puzzle piece that could fill a void.

  What that void was, Hunter didn’t have a clue. Or did he?

  Ellen’s remark about Gabe continued to pique his curiosity. He pondered details about Gabe and his background; whether he was, in fact, straight; and whether he’d had girlfriends before. Hunter wanted to know. There had to be a way to find out from Gabe, but he didn’t know how to ask without causing Gabe to wonder why he’d asked in the first place.

  Hunter grew annoyed at the fact that he wanted to know. Deep down, he knew why he wanted to know about Gabe. He had traveled this road numerous times: one big cycle in his life, upon which he had treaded over and over again; the enemy in his life that never disappeared, the one he couldn’t vanquish. Each time the cycle began, he tried to remain strong but, with time, weakness always settled in. Even now, Hunter felt his resistance crumbling and he resented it.

  Yet he moved forward with it anyway.

  After work on Monday, he drove to Gabe’s clinic for his next appointment, which, Hunter admitted to himself, he could now classify as a weekly occurrence. In a recent phone chat with Kara, he’d finally mentioned his appointments with Ellen’s therapist, and Kara hadn’t given it a second thought. Hunter no longer felt awkward showing up at a massage clinic, not that he would admit it to anyone but Ellen and Kara. When entering Gabe’s clinic, though, it was more like he forgot to worry about what people would think—at least inside the place.

  “So yeah, when I first started, I was flat-out scared,” Gabe said, as he worked the heels of his hands into the crevice between Hunter’s shoulder blades. “A brand new business, not many clients.” He paused and asked, “How’s this feel for you, working between the shoulder blades like I’m doing?”

  “Feels fine,” Hunter replied. “So you started out from ground zero? No clients at all?”

  “I had a few. Even though I’d worked at a hotel and served out-of-town guests for the most part, I still had several local people who showed up for weekly appointments. When I started my own business, they followed me here, and word of mouth spread. But with two business partners, we were able to spread the risk and bear the costs better.”

  “It still must have been challenging, though,” Hunter said. “Even with partners, you would’ve had overhead costs before you opened your doors, right?”

  “To say the least,” Gabe chuckled. “The three of us emptied our bank accounts to invest in this place, but we believed in what we were about to do. We researched the facts and felt confident we could grow.”

  “As long as you grew before you went broke.”

  “Exactly.” Gabe thought for a moment, then moved farther down Hunter’s back with his fingers and thumbs. “God showed up for me in that situation. To this day, I look back and can’t imagine how He did it. My client base grew on a slow, steady basis, but I had a full schedule before I knew it. I’d look at my appointment schedule week after week and shake my head. The clients seemed to multiply, yet I couldn’t pinpoint where or how it happened. Kind of like that Bible passage, where Jesus multiplied the bread and fish to feed the multitude. So when I think about my clients and thank God for them, that’s what I call it: my bread-and-fish situation.”

  Before the appointment started, Hunter had wondered what they would talk about. Given his sales career, Hunter found small talk easy. Once he located an effective ice breaker, he was home free. But when Gabe walked through the door, his eyes lit up, and Hunter could tell Gabe was glad to see he had returned. That dissolved Hunter’s defenses and rendered conversation much easier. With Gabe, Hunter didn’t need an ice breaker; the ice melted and evaporated on its own. It felt as if they had picked up where they had left off a week ago. Although they had known each other but a few weeks, Gabe felt like a friend, and Hunter sensed Gabe felt the same way toward him.

  Hunter had never had a friendship like that, where he could speak without barriers, without worrying what the other person thought of what he said.

  Hunter’s male friendships now struck him as surface deep, a matter of hanging out and having fun. Those interactions involved a continual flow of talk, but not about things that mattered. They didn’t confide in each other. And in light of this friendship with Gabe, Hunter realized he didn’t know some of his own friends well at all. He could list their interests and behavioral tendencies, but he didn’t know who they were, down in their souls.

  Hunter also found Gabe’s faith appealing. While some people spoke of their faith as a sidenote, a hula-girl ornament on the dashboards of their lives, Hunter recognized Gabe’s faith as sincere and relevant. When Gabe spoke of God and God’s role in his life, how God had come through for him in various scenarios, Gabe meant it. He verbalized the sort of relationship with a Savior that Hunter himself possessed in his own life. When Hunter spent time with Gabe, he sensed a bond with him as a fellow Christian.

  “How about your job?” Gabe asked. “Any improvements over the last week? New clients?”

  Hunter shifted on the massage table and found a new spot for his belly. “The good news is, I signed a new client last week—a small one, but I’ll take anything.”

  Gabe stopped his work for a moment and spread his arms sideways, palms out, clearly excited for him. “Great news! It’s a step in the right direction.”

  “Thanks. It doesn’t do enough to save my butt on the job, though. You’re right, it’s a positive development and I’m grateful for it, but it doesn’t erase all those months of deficit. Because it’s such a small client, I’m concerned when my boss sees it, it will disappoint him. To be honest, I can’t escape the feeling I’m in danger. I’m really worried I could lose my job—that’s how bad it looks to me.”

  “Maybe you should talk to your boss, get his point of view, decipher what you’re truly dealing with, rather than what you think you’re dealing with.”

  “Maybe so. I hadn’t thought of that.”

  “Do you interact with your boss often? Do you ask him for feedback?”

  Such a simple notion to overlook, Hunter thought. His other friends didn’t offer ideas like that, and neither did Hunter for them—their conversations never even ran that deep. “I’ve never leaned on my bosses like that. I suppose I’ve always gone my independent route and figured I’d find a way to tread water.” Hunter shrugged. “But you’re right, it’s worth a try.”

  From his peripheral view, Hunter could see Gabe had furrowed his brow in concentration, not on Hunter’s back but on something else, as though debating whether to put words to it.

  “I hope you don’t mind my saying this, because I enjoy having these conversations,” Gabe said at last, “but I find it interesting that you confide all this in me and not your girlfriend. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m honored.�
�� Gabe gave his words another thought and waved them off, shaking his head and covering his eyes with his fingers. He continued down Hunter’s back. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that the way it came out. Forget I said anything.”

  Gabe didn’t appear suspicious of Hunter’s motivation for coming here at all. Before he appeared embarrassed, he’d had a matter-of-fact expression on his face. Hunter didn’t want to let Gabe’s curiosity hang, so he considered how to respond.

  “The truth is,” Hunter said, “it’s more than her travel, the physical distance, that keeps me from confiding in Kara. I don’t know, maybe it’s because when you’re a guy, you think you need to put on a performance for people—the whole hunter-gatherer thing, the strong man. And then, when you run into challenges, you don’t have many people to turn to because you’ve spent all those years building that stalwart image. You can’t turn around and destroy the persona everyone has of you, the one you constructed.”

  Gabe nodded, said nothing.

  “I’m talking in circles,” Hunter said.

  “No, it makes sense.” Gabe considered Hunter’s words. “Actually, I understand more than you know, but I could never figure how to describe it.” He grinned, then added, “You have a way with words.”

  “I don’t think anyone’s accused me of that before,” Hunter said with a glint in his eye. “Seriously, though, have you noticed we can’t be real with many people? But you’re genuine. It’s like I can be real with you, and you won’t judge me for whatever stupid things I say. I can lay things out on the table and I won’t need to live it all down later.”

  Gabe moved his thumbs in a broader, circular motion. “I appreciate hearing that.”

  “Guys don’t say thanks enough.”

  “They don’t seem to. But if I’m not like others, it probably has more to do with the fact that I’m not much of a social butterfly.”

  Something in Gabe’s words caused Hunter to pause. He maintained a laid-back tone in his voice and a nonchalant expression on his face, for Gabe’s sake rather than his own. To let Gabe know he cared.

  “Do you spend a lot of time alone?” Hunter asked.

  “Let’s say I have plenty of time on my hands. But I’m okay with it, so it works out fine.”

  Hunter didn’t like hearing that. A chunk of his heart sank, like a link had gone missing from a chain that connects a boat to its anchor. Without that link, the boat would drift into isolation.

  Gabe had an air about him that Hunter considered a blessing. How could Gabe’s depth end up going to waste? Did people stay away from Gabe, or did he choose solitude? Hunter didn’t find much comfort in solitude, but he knew people are different and had come across a wide range of personalities in his career, brief as it was. He couldn’t imagine people keeping their distance from Gabe. If anything, Hunter himself wanted to spend more time around him, not less.

  Then an idea dawned inside him. He didn’t know how Gabe would respond, but it was worth a try.

  “Just a thought,” Hunter said, “but would you want to hang out some time? I mean, we’re different, but we get along, right? The talks and all.”

  Gabe’s countenance brightened. Hunter could tell that, even though Gabe guarded himself against looking too eager, Hunter’s invitation had made his day. Hunter felt his own heart warm.

  Gabe regarded Hunter for a beat. “Sure,” he said, “let’s do it.”

  “Would tomorrow night work? We could catch a game on TV at my house. No social-butterfly stuff to worry about.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  The more Hunter thought about the idea, the more he looked forward to it.

  The massage continued. When Gabe reached Hunter’s lower back, he incorporated his elbows, which he had not used in prior appointments. “I switched my technique here. How’s it helping? Better?”

  “I think so.”

  A minute passed in silence. Hunter felt a nerve snap and felt a release of tension as he exhaled.

  “I think I heard that one,” Hunter snickered.

  “Yeah, I heard it too. I found a knot down here. I’ll bet you feel better after that.”

  Hunter reconsidered Gabe’s words about solitude and, once again, grew curious about Ellen’s remarks and Gabe’s past relationships. Maybe he could find a way—discreetly—to tiptoe around the topic, see what happens.

  Hunter tried to convince himself he didn’t care either way, but it didn’t stop the nervous quiver in the pit of his belly. Gabe was a Christian. Chances were, he was straight. Then again, people would say the same thing about Hunter—yet Hunter and God knew the shades of gray that colored the truth. Maybe Gabe wrestled with the same secret undercurrent as Hunter. At least, Hunter hoped he did—a wish Hunter took back instantly. As a Christian, he felt convicted, wishing such hardship on anyone else. Hunter just yearned for someone who could understand. The whole misery-loves-company side of human nature.

  No, Hunter thought. Gabe was, in all likelihood, straight. How could Hunter navigate around the question without ruining their new friendship and rendering himself unwelcome for a professional appointment? He wouldn’t be able to look Gabe in the eye if he bungled this.

  Yes, despite his reservations, he really did want to know. He just needed a Plan B to provide coverage in case Gabe grew suspicious.

  If he asks, tell him you have some female friends and thought one of them might make a good match.

  Perfect!

  Hunter shut his eyes well in advance of asking. That way, Gabe wouldn’t be able to read them. If Hunter made any fast or unusual eye movements, they wouldn’t be noticeable. That relieved some of the pressure.

  Because Hunter knew his true motive in asking, the quivers accelerated in his belly, but he fought to keep his voice steady.

  Relax, Hunter told himself, taking a deep breath to usher in calm. He knew from past experience that if he allowed tension to reach his muscles, Gabe would detect the change.

  Hunter entered the conversation through a side door. “Most of your clients are female, right?”

  “The majority are. You’re not getting concerned about that all over again, are you?”

  “No, not at all. I was curious what your girlfriend thinks of you massaging other females. I know you realize it’s a professional matter, but you know how girlfriends can get sometimes.”

  “The good news is, I don’t need to worry about that. No girlfriend in the picture.”

  That intrigued Hunter. If his heart were connected to an EKG monitor, he could imagine the sudden, rapid spikes that would appear as his heart beat faster.

  “Well, how about in the past?” Hunter said. “You’ve been doing this for several years.”

  Hunter felt Gabe’s fingers slow down, then recover their normal speed, as if he had caught Gabe off guard but Gabe didn’t want him to notice a change had occurred.

  “Relationships don’t seem to work out for me,” said Gabe, “so I guess I lost heart. I gave up on dating back in college. Well, ‘gave up’ isn’t accurate. I didn’t make a decision. Things worked out the way they did, and I made peace with it.”

  Hunter could tell Gabe was an honest person. And after the openness of their conversations, he should have expected Gabe to give the candid answer he did. Yet he hadn’t anticipated its transparency. It drew him toward Gabe’s heart. Hunter wanted to listen. Opening his eyes, he turned his head toward Gabe.

  “There’s been nobody since college?” Hunter asked. “Not even one date?”

  “I guess my heart never hooked up with it.” Gabe looked Hunter in the eye for what seemed a moment too long, then continued working. “Besides, I don’t think many women would be interested in a guy like me.”

  “That’s hard to believe.”

  “It’s true,” Gabe shrugged, “but it’s no loss, I suppose.”

  “It’s their loss. You seem to have a great heart. You’re a good listener.”

  “Thanks, but I don’t think that puts me in a special club. Lots of people lis
ten well.”

  Hunter didn’t seem to have gotten through with what he’d meant to say, so he decided to try again. Perhaps it was the competitor in him, but for some reason, he wanted Gabe to know what he’d meant and how rare it was to find Gabe’s qualities in other people.

  “I didn’t say it the right way,” Hunter said. “It’s hard to explain. You have a transparency about you. It’s not so much something you do, but something you are. You have everything I’ve ever wished I could find in a relationship.”

  Hunter winced. He hadn’t intended to make himself vulnerable and certainly hadn’t planned to say that. Granted, he’d felt it in his heart, even if he hadn’t found the words to describe it. Maybe it crept forth from his subconscious. Whatever the reason, he’d gotten too comfortable as they’d talked. Normally Hunter said too little. Now, the one time he made his best effort to open up, he’d said too much. But maybe it wasn’t as bad as Hunter figured; after all, Gabe didn’t know what had gone through Hunter’s mind these past weeks. Holding his expression steady, trying to appear as if he’d meant nothing by his words, Hunter looked back at Gabe.

  Sure enough, Gabe had noticed. Hunter could tell by the momentary, stunned look in his eyes, the way they flicked back and forth before Gabe refocused his attention on Hunter’s back.

  Did Hunter catch the slightest twitch of a grin at the corner of Gabe’s mouth? He wasn’t sure. Hunter clenched his jaw at his unanswered questions. How could he have said something so stupid?

  “I just realized how that sounded,” Hunter said, stumbling his way to a recovery. “What I meant was—”

  “No worries. I understand what you meant by it. I appreciate the compliment, though.”

  Gabe nodded as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened, but Hunter detected new fervor—broader, deeper sweeps—from Gabe’s thumbs. Gabe gave no signs of anger. For that matter, he didn’t look offended at all.

  As Hunter continued to gauge Gabe’s reaction from the corner of his eye, Gabe peered in contemplation at Hunter’s face once more. And to Hunter’s surprise, Gabe’s eyes lingered a second or two as he resumed his work.