by Gloria Foxx
While the girls were all younger, freshmen and sophomores, the guys seemed to be mostly upperclassmen. I ran into a guy from my psych class earlier in the day. We’d met in class. I thought he was good friendship material and worked to relate to him. We talked for a bit. He seemed sincere. Maybe he’d be more than a friend. I might be surprised.
He was a senior in a freshman level class filling the last of his elective credits with an easy A. That left more time for his required classes. With something in common, we fell into an easy conversation, no tension, no intimacy, no anxiety. I was comfortable in class, but this is the first time I’ve felt comfortable in a social situation. Hmmm. I guess I have improved. Dr. Walsh would be proud.
“Good strategy, leaving some easy electives for later years,” I said, considering the possibility of having an easy class every semester. “That won’t work for me though.”
I was grinning. Was I flirting, boasting, showing off? I wasn’t sure. “I generally go for electives I find interesting. Would you believe I signed up for Intro to Social Welfare next term? It’s not like I need it, sounds interesting though. I’m also interested in the Philosophy of Logic with Jones. Any thoughts?”
I was actually having a conversation with a guy who could be a possible partner. My heart lurched at the thought. Not a good lurch either, the unsteady, falter like my world was tilting and crashing headlong into something difficult.
Okay, friendship conversation then. No sexual intimacy. I thought about the one staircase, only one escape route should the need arise. I didn’t want to leave Madison, but I was all about self preservation.
“You’re a glutton for punishment,” he said laughing. I was confused for a minute thinking he could read my thoughts, understand the fear lurking at the dark, far reaches of my mind. “Just make sure you stay away from Beckett in mathematics, Sandlaw in philosophy and Groth in English. I’ve had them all. Beckett is a douche, and Sandlaw and Groth are pervs. That’s the best advice I have.”
We were still talking about classes. No threat here. My heart rate relaxed a bit.
“Sandlaw and Groth are pervs, huh? That’s good to know.” I have a definite aversion to pervs. My mom’s experiences taught me that.
“What about Chapman? Have you noticed how he always touches himself?” Chapman is our Psych 101 instructor and he made me really nervous and uncomfortable throughout the first few classes.
“Hey, hey now, guys don’t go looking at other guys like that.”
I giggled. Was that really me? I didn’t usually giggle. Then I graduated to teasing. “Yeah, but you noticed though. I know you did.”
“Okay, I’ve noticed, but it makes a guy uncomfortable, you know. Really, he’s alright. I think it’s just a nervous habit and I try to ignore it.”
Gabe might have potential. That’s his name by the way, Gabe. We made it through the awkward part and could move on to more comfortable conversation, except a guy approached, looking directly at me.
Seriously, two guys? The monster within me welled up, poking and prodding from the inside, pacing restlessly wanting me to flee.
“Can you come with me for a minute?” said the stranger
“Why?” I gulped.
“I need your help.”
“What?” He needed my help. Okay, no peril here. How could I help? I didn’t really know anyone here except Madison. “Wait. Is it Madison?” I asked.
He raised his finger to his lips saying, “Shhhh. It’s important.”
“You better go check on your friend,” said Gabe.
I looked around and didn’t see Madison in the lounge. Some friend I am. I stood to follow the guy hoping that whatever Madison got herself into wasn’t serious.
He led me to a dark staircase between the lounge room and dancing. It was nice to know there was a second exit. We climbed to the main floor, arriving in the kitchen, but we didn’t stop. We continued to the second floor and then the third. These stairs were better lit, but still dirty.
The guy leading the way, I didn’t catch his name, sure knew his way around. He was nice looking, with sandy brown hair and freckles. He wore a red hoodie and jeans.
“Hey, what’s your name?”
He didn’t respond. We were at the top floor and spilled out into the hallway from the stairs. Red hoodie disappeared through a swinging door. I followed him in and found it was a bathroom. The place was a smaller version of the shared bathrooms we have in the dorms, but with two shower stalls and three toilet stalls.
I wondered what Madison needed and how she made it all the way up here without my realizing she was gone. She could get pretty emotional when irritated or hurt. I could see her dashing up here for some privacy and a good cry, but we haven’t been here that long, have we? I followed red hoodie into the stall without realizing that no way was there room for three people in here. He already had his pants down. I stood there somewhat shocked, but the shock didn’t last.
“Don’t just stand there. Suck it baby. Suck my dick,” he said, one hand holding himself, the other holding his hoodie out of the way.
The leviathan within me roared to life, angry, snarling through the morass of my confused thoughts. My brain screamed “run” while the realization that this wasn’t about Madison at all floated through.
I tried to retreat, but he grabbed my arm. “Hey you came up here for a reason. You were interested. You know you wanted it. Now get to work.”
The opportunity was lost. I stood frozen, restrained as much by the hand on my arm, fingers digging in as by the terror oozing from every pore. How could this happen? I always took care to make sure no one noticed me. Now I would have to fight and I didn’t want to.
Instincts are powerful though and the determination to be free gave me strength. I looked around to assess my options, pupils dilated in fear seeing everything in a fraction of a second, planning my escape.
I wasn’t cornered. My body held the stall door propped open. I could get to the bathroom door, but could I get it open in time and where did I go from there? I had to try. I glanced over my shoulder to judge the distance to the door.
“What are you waiting for!” he screeched, still holding my arm, his pants around his ankles. That would help.
I turned quickly, wrenching my arm loose, his fingernails cleaving four foul grooves across my forearm, but I was away, barreling toward the door and slamming right into a solid male chest. I scrambled and struggled against him, needing to get away. His arms came around to restrain and I became a feral thing, thrashing, scrabbling, and clashing with him to get loose.
“It’s ok. Hey, I’m here to help you.”
Chapter 4
I didn’t recognize his words, but his tone was mellow, soothing, his voice rich and delicious like the chocolate eyes I imagined earlier today. My senses were heightened and I could feel his heartbeat as he held me to his chest, curtailing my struggles. It was oddly comforting.
Illogical I know. I even noticed his scent around me. It was spicy and clean. He was monopolizing my senses except that I could only see the black fabric of his T-shirt stretched across his right shoulder and bicep. The lower bulge of his bicep was bare, smooth skin beneath the stretched short sleeve. My eyes were riveted on his arm like I was in a zone, his bicep my focal point.
It felt like a reprieve, but with his arms holding me firmly against his chest, I needed to make sure. “What do you want? You guys going to gang up on me?” I was still scared and it came out shrill, almost a squeal.
“Sorry. I deserved that. Listen, I’m Dominic. I saw you pass through the kitchen. That’s why I followed. I’m well aware of how little Joey here collects his women. He’s taken advantage of too many women and I didn’t want him to do the same to you.”
“Oh.” It’s all I had to say. I was deflated, sagging in the aftermath of adrenaline.
“I’m sorry I didn’t catch you guys before he got his pants down, although it looks like you didn’t really need my help.”
He was c
huckling. I could feel it vibrating through his chest a low rumbling hum that was comforting, soothing. I could hear little Joey behind me scrambling to hike his pants back up.
“You want me to call the police or campus security? Come on. My phone’s in the kitchen.”
Dominic’s arms loosened. I was wobbly and uncertain. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders holding me steady and guiding me out the door, back to the staircase we used to come up here. We went down two flights to the kitchen.
“Sit,” he commanded, pulling a chair out from the table. I did, not sure if my knees would hold me now that he let go.
I watched as he pulled out a glass from one cupboard. My stomach cart wheeled, flinging my equilibrium around like a tilt-a-whirl. He rummaged through several more until he found what he wanted, a bottle of amber liquid.
My stomach was churning in dread and commotion. Dominic was the guy from the sandwich shop. He was gorgeous up close and without the leather jacket, I could watch rippling muscles to my heart’s content.
He poured about an inch of swirling amber into the juice glass and set it in front of me.
“Drink.” It was a command.
“I don’t drink.” I said, picking up the glass. I felt like I had to follow his directive. My head tilted sideways and my hand holding the glass floated to my lap, tipping precariously.
Dominic knelt in front of me, one hand on my knee, the other pulling the glass from my hand. “You okay? Oh hell!” I could hear the base of the glass slam down on the table as he snatched it away, but it was a far-off sound as if I was moving away from this place. Dominic’s hand wrapped around the back of my neck, and then my face was at my knees. I’m not even sure how it happened. “Breathe.” he said.
There were stars and looming blackness for a moment until I regained control. I sat back up slowly, mortified. Nothing really happened, and here I am fainting. Did I mention, guys all think I’m weird? Dominic’s hand was on my shoulder, steadying me. His other hand held the glass to my lips.
“Drink a little now. You’ll feel more yourself.”
I sipped and it burned across my tongue, scorching down my throat. I could smell caramel and vanilla. It slammed into my stomach with a jolt.
“Have some more. Just a little.”
It went down a lot easier this time, gliding across my tongue now, sliding down my throat and curling in my stomach as if the liquor melted into me and numbed me from the inside out.
“Feel better?”
I nodded, feeling distant, like I was wrapped in cotton. The only thing steadying me was Dominic’s eyes. They weren’t warm brown chocolate. His eyes were dark hazel with flecks of emerald and copper. They pierced my soul, holding me captive. I couldn’t look away.
“Good. Sit still so you don’t topple out of that chair.”
He was kneeling in front of me still, steadying me, grounding me with his eyes as my breathing returned to normal. I’ve been afraid of guys all my life, but I’ve never fainted. Now, the first guy that doesn’t seem to scare me, that I might actually be attracted to, and I’m off kilter, making a fool of myself, still the weird girl.
“Let me grab my phone so we can call the police.”
“No. No police,” I said before he could break eye contact.
I couldn’t do it. I was fine and I didn’t need everyone to know my personal business, to find out that I was curiosity. I was anonymous here and I liked it that way.
“Whatever Joey did to you must have been pretty bad to shake you up like this. We need to report it.”
“No. I’m fine.” I looked down at my fingers twisting in my lap. I couldn’t look at him, couldn’t meet his eyes. He would see the truth hiding behind my eyes. “He really only exposed himself and asked for oral sex. Okay, maybe he demanded it, but he didn’t do anything. I overreacted. After all, I followed him into the bathroom and I’m sure he said something I didn’t catch to expect that kind of, aah, interaction with a complete stranger.”
“You’d be surprised,” he said wryly. “I’m sure Joey didn’t say anything until he had you alone up there. He’s done this before and he isn’t going to stop until someone makes him stop.”
“Well I’m not going to be that someone,” I snapped, looking back at Dominic. I was angry now, bitter. I’ve spent nearly my entire life as the girl everyone felt sorry for, talked about, and judged. The whispers weren’t going to be true. I wouldn’t let them.
“I’m not reporting it. I’m not going to be the one who stands up to him. I don’t want to be the poster girl for sexual assault on campus.”
“Okay. Okay. We won’t call the police. Did you want to go back to the party or should I take you home?”
“Oh my God! Madison. How could I forget about her?” I sprang out of my chair looking for the stairs.
“Who’s Madison?”
He hustled me toward the stairs and down we went, to the basement. As we descended, I told him about Madison, about her cutting loose at the party because I had her back. And then I go off with a stranger, virtually abandoning her.
At the base of the stairs, I turned to the lounge room and there she was, like a celebrity holding court with her fans. She was sparkling from the attention. “She’s here,” I mumbled, slumping in relief. Dominic grasped my shoulders from behind, steadying me.
“Ahh, one of the beautiful people,” he said, understanding. “You probably don’t need to worry about her, with so many admirers vying for her attention, none of them will let another take advantage. Catch her eye so she knows you’re here. Then we can sit.”
He pulled me over to the side of the room, about eight feet from Maddie. I waved until she noticed me and smiled. She looked from me to Dominic and back to me before giving me an outrageous and very theatrical wink. She thought I was going to hook up. Little did she know.
Chapter 5
Dominic and I sat close so we could talk without shouting above the din in the place. He grabbed the kid in the top hat and asked for sodas. “You might not want to say anything, but I’m going to report Joey to the fraternity. I think this time he’ll get booted.”
“From school?” I was aghast. I didn’t want him kicked out of school. He didn’t really do anything and I know I overreacted.
“He probably deserves that too, but I don’t have any sway with the school. That’s up to the student board of ethics. I think this will finally get him kicked out of the fraternity though.”
“I thought with fraternities you were brothers for life.”
“He thinks so too, but this chapter has had trouble with bad behavior and the school has threatened sanctions and possible expulsion. The national organization hired me to keep tabs on what goes on around here.”
“Overseeing the fraternity? What, like you’re a resident advisor?” I was confused.
“No. No. I’m just a student, a doctoral candidate. I’ll be done in May. I took a little longer than most to get to college so I’m a little older and hopefully wiser than the rest. The fraternity hopes so too. I’ve been given room and board in exchange for keeping an eye on what goes on around here and accurately reporting problems instead of covering them up. Enough about me. What about you?”
What about me? Here I was talking to a guy who had touched and held me, multiple times, with no dread, no anxiety. The fear within me felt like a kitten well fed and napping before a warm fire. How could this be? Was it him? Did he have a calming influence on me or did my successful extrication from Joey’s clutches give back my control and take away my fear?
“I’m a student, freshman. You might have noticed I’m new to this whole party scene. Right when I began to feel comfortable around campus, WHAM! I’m not so confident again. I have to confess though, I saw you at the sandwich shop earlier today. I thought you were cute. I’m glad you came to my rescue.” I was flirting. I didn’t really know how, but I was interested in him and he made me feel a bit giddy.
“Some rescue. You were well on your way out, leaving Joey w
ith his pants around his ankles. If anything, I interfered with your escape.”
Dominic’s gaze was hypnotic. His eyes sparkled, sucking me in. As if by tacit agreement, our Joey conversation was done.
We talked about classes, teachers, goals, hopes, dreams. We sat together on a loveseat, both with our inside knee pulled up on the cushion between us so we could face each other. Our knees or feet bumped periodically and it didn’t scare me away.
I was so engrossed, I forgot about Madison again, until I happened to glance her direction. She was still busy, with half a dozen or so guys keeping her entertained.
“Would you like to dance?” he asked.
Dancing with Dominic sounded delicious. I almost said yes without thinking. I’ve never danced with a guy. Aunt Jane would never have allowed it. I’m also sure I would not have been comfortable with how close we needed to be or with the touching required. Then there’s the opportunity for guys to touch even more than required.
Could I do it? Thinking about dancing with Dominic didn’t seem scary or intimidating. Yes, he would be touching me, but that didn’t sound threatening at all and I could touch him too.
We’d been sitting close and talking intimately for the past hour and I was fine. I would give it a chance.
“Okay,” I said, standing, “but I’m not a dancer and if I take off, leaving you on the dance floor for no apparent reason, it’s me and my drama, not you.”
I wanted to alert him. He needed to be prepared. I was ok with being a flawed human being, the product of my parents, Aunt Jane and circumstance. I was even okay with being afraid to connect intimately with others. I understand myself, but when others who don’t understand me glimpse behavior they can’t explain, they look at me differently. I really don’t want Dominic to think I’m weird.