by Gloria Foxx
I pulled off my ugly glasses, shoving them deep into my pocket as we headed to the dance floor. It was late and the music had changed from the driving beat and bright flashing lights to something more sultry, nearly dark and definitely elemental.
He took me in his arms and we moved with slow swaying steps. I didn’t really know how to dance, but this I could do. He pressed my head to his shoulder and I didn’t mind, settling into the curve of his neck as our bodies gradually sank into each other. I wasn’t afraid and the whispers didn’t come, taunting and tormenting.
Dominic was comfort and shelter. It was amazing. He smelled good. Spicy and earthy all at the same time, like urban grittiness blended with fresh rain-washed countryside. He smelled like a man.
I was melting inside. It was peculiar that I wasn’t reacting badly. I wasn’t weird with Dominic, but I didn’t want to think about that right now. I wanted to think about him.
He was one of the good guys, doing what was right and good, if his concern over Joey’s actions was any indication. He was tall, but the perfect height for me. He was lean, muscled in all the right places. And he was gorgeous with his tousled hair, magnetic eyes, engaging smile and shapely lips.
What would it feel like to kiss him? Yes, another byproduct of my fear. I’ve never been kissed, not even by old aunts or grandparents with thin and papery or wet and slippery lips. Aunt Jane didn’t kiss and there was no chance of kissing a boy with my fear. I couldn’t wait to find out now.
Then the thought of girlfriends popped into my mind. Not the possibility of my finally being someone’s girlfriend, but rather how could such an amazing guy not have a girlfriend? He was gorgeous, he was nice and, emphasis on the and, he had a body to die for.
“Uh Dominic?”
“Hmmm?” He kissed my temple before dragging his lips down past my eye to kiss the high curve of my cheek. My eyelids fluttered closed.
He was making me breathless. I was losing my thoughts. He wouldn’t be kissing me if he had a girlfriend right? “Wait. Hold on,” I said. “You don’t have a girlfriend do you?”
Dominic pulled back, looking at me. “No. I wouldn’t be dancing with you like this and thinking what I’m thinking if I had a girlfriend. Okay, I might be thinking about you, but I wouldn’t be dancing with you like this.”
“Do you always know exactly what to say and do?”
“Yes. Now, come back here.”
I had pulled away, but he pulled me back and my head settled into the crook of his neck. His lips continued the journey begun earlier. I could hear his heartbeat, steady and rhythmic. He dipped his head kissing my cheek before moving to my ear, huffing hot breaths along the way. His lips traced my jaw with tiny nipping kisses, sipping and tasting. I couldn’t take anymore.
I lifted my head, gazing into his fathomless eyes in the darkness. He slid both his hands up my back and into my hair. His thumbs traced up my cheeks, holding my head steady as he lowered his lips to mine. My heart rate picked up. I was afraid I might run, but I didn’t. He was appealing to me and I was fascinated. This had never happened before so I would enjoy it for as long as it lasted.
The kiss was glorious. His lips moved gently over mine, exploring, questioning.
How could I have missed out on this for so long? I wanted to analyze what was going on, but I couldn’t think. I could only feel, the crush of sensation washing over me, the surge of emotions I couldn’t begin to name. There was a new awareness within me and it was a man who was making all the difference.
Dominic pulled away, ending our kiss far too quickly. I felt regret, not for what I had done, but for what I was now missing, for the loss of his lips. I moaned low in my throat at the loss, until I saw Madison coming our way across the crowded dance floor.
He must have noticed first. I was so involved in Dominic and the all-new awareness ignited by a mere kiss that I could have been struck by lightning and not noticed the thunder indicating its approach.
Madison arrived like the whirlwind she is. “There you are. I’m ready to go home, how about you?”
“Everything alright?” I asked.
“Yeah, I’m just tired of the guys I’ve met.”
“Um … okay. Give me a minute to say goodnight.” I really wanted to stay, but Maddie goes home when I ask, so I had to go.
Dominic looked at me and smiled. “Let me walk you back to the dorms.”
“No. No. We’re fine together. You can stay here and enjoy the rest of the party.” As if I would give him time with Madison. She’s beautiful and sexy. Men flock to her and I wasn’t letting Dominic anywhere near her.
Maddie’s my best friend and she wouldn’t take a guy if I was interested, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t lose interest in me after spending time with her. Nope I wasn’t taking that chance. This was a first for me and I was holding on tight. Is that full-on crazy?
“Then at least let me walk you to the door. Hey. Give me your phone,” he said as we headed to the stairs.
I handed it over. Dominic was behind me on the steps, but I was sure he was adding his number to my contacts. Great. Now it’s up to me to call him.
His phone began to ring in his pocket as we passed through the foyer. I felt a kinship with the shabby yet ornate space. It looked like I felt, beautiful in the dim light of night with flaws and neglect visible in the bright light of day. He handed over my phone at the door.
“Now we can find each other again.”
He must have called himself so he had my number. He really did want to contact me. I groaned inwardly. I hope to God I don’t mess this up, that the whispers don’t start, undermining my confidence.
“Goodnight,” Dominic said, staying on the porch as Madison and I moved to the steps.
She skipped down while I lingered. Dominic grabbed my hand, pulling me back. I had this insane urge to pull away, although not so insane for me. Then I met his eyes. He smiled saying, “I had a great time Abbi, and I really want to see you again.”
“I’d like to see you too.” I was shy, but also comforted by his warm fingers clasping mine. He kissed me, soft and quiet but with an underlying hunger, a yearning. I didn’t pull away.
We were jostled by several people leaving the party and Madison calling out, “You coming or do I have to walk home alone?”
Good thing she pushed me because I may have chosen to stay and this was all so new to me. I needed time to think about what was going on here. I pulled away while I still had the will to do so. “See ya,” I said continuing down the stairs. He didn’t let go of my hand though.
“Maybe tomorrow…” He said it low and quiet, just for me, almost a whisper. I smiled and took another step and then another. It was hard to walk away.
Our arms stretched between us, our fingers beginning to pull. Dominic loosed his grip as I took the last step. Our fingers slid toward separation, mine slipping across his larger and warmer palm and then down his long fingers, grasping for purchase, even as I pulled away. When our fingertips eventually met, they curled into each other clinging, yearning, and then we were apart.
I was silent as Madison and I walked home. That was hard to do considering I was giddy, almost bubbly and probably glowing, but I didn’t want to talk about Dominic.
Maddie, on the other hand, rambled on dispiritedly about the quality of available guys, about how so many were self-absorbed, talking mostly about themselves. She talked about imagining them auditioning to be her date or boyfriend. We had reached our dorm and as we walked up the stairs, my phone beeped. It was a text from Dominic.
Enjoyed our dance… Sleep tight and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
Same here … I responded. Clever girl aren’t I. Hey. I’m nervous. The weird girl isn’t used to this, although suddenly I don’t feel quite so weird after all.
Chapter 6
I had trouble falling asleep. I was busy thinking about Dominic and then the next thing I knew, my phone was beeping, waking me far too early on Saturday morning, especially consideri
ng how late we were out. It was another text from Dominic and somehow I no longer minded the early hour.
Have to take care of house business with Joey today and work tomorrow so won’t be able to see you. Meet at sandwich shop for dinner Monday?
Great. See you Monday 6 p.m.? Good luck with Joey.
I couldn’t wait to see him again, but Monday was good. I would have a chance to talk to Gabe in Psych on Monday to see whether my comfort with Dominic applied to all men, or just him.
Nothing happened to me, you know. I’ve tried to get past this. Logically I know that I’m ok. I’m not a victim, except of circumstance. But emotionally, I haven’t been able to move on. They say it’s no use looking back, but my therapist says if I look back and understand, I can finally move forward. The problem is I keep looking back and I still don’t understand.
I won’t see my therapist again until Tuesday, every Tuesday. I can’t wait to give him the news.
Father Jack was there for me after mom died. I talked to him every week. He was all I had, but he was never enough and he knew it. He helped though. I could function. I could behave like a normal human being, except for the whispers. No one knew about those. I couldn’t even tell Father Jack, but he probably knew. I’m sure he heard them too. Not the ones in my head, but the real live whispers. Even good Christian people whisper and judge. I’m sure he heard those.
He helped to find a therapist for me when I was fifteen. I was tired of treading water. I wanted to swim. I wanted to make it to shore. I wanted to get past this, except I don’t really know what “this” is.
I’m an only child of a single mother. No brothers or sisters, and no father either. Well of course I have a father, but I don’t know him. I don’t even know his name. I checked out my birth certificate when I turned sixteen, but on the line marked father it said “unknown.” Yeah, they didn’t know anymore than I did.
I used to think mom knew who he was, but was keeping his secret for some romantic reason. She died when I was six, not nearly old enough to have had that conversation. I used to dream my father was Steven Tyler, Prince William, or John Kennedy Jr. He would be older, but he died young like my mom. That had a way of immortalizing your youth. When I was young, I thought any of them would be a great father. Sometimes even the fathers of girls from school made it into my dreams. They weren’t always perfect, but I could pretend.
As it turns out there was a lot I didn’t know about my mother either. Aunt Jane wouldn’t tell me. She wasn’t my aunt you know; she was my mother’s aunt, my grandmother’s sister. She was an old prune long before I came to live with her, but she was the only family I had. She was rigid, unbending and pious, but not terribly nice.
Aunt Jane called my mother a Jezebel from the moment I moved in. I didn’t know what that meant at the time, but I thought it was good. My mom was beautiful, sweet and loving. It was a long time ago, but I remember snuggling, hugs and kisses and shared adventure.
I wanted to grow up to be just like her. I can’t picture her anymore, except for how she appears in the only photo I have. She was smiling, light shining from her eyes, sunlight highlighting her dark hair nearly the exact same color as mine. She was beautiful and I look just like her. Now that I’m nearing her age in the photo, I realize we could have been sisters, twins even.
If it were up to Aunt Jane, I wouldn’t have any photos. She threw them all in the trash, except for the one I hid in a picture book about the Fairy Castle at the Chicago Museum of Science & Industry. That’s the last thing I remember doing together with my mom, probably because she bought me that book.
The Fairy Castle was a magical place built for fairies. It was made with exotic materials such as mother of pearl, butterfly wings, obsidian, and diamonds. It was like fairies lived in a jewel box, loaded with whimsy and fancy, the stuff of little-girl dreams.
I have no idea how long I was back in school after that trip to the museum, but life was normal, sedate and not particularly memorable, until it wasn’t. I remember coming home from school, just like always, but that evening took a left turn and my life changed irrevocably.
Mom never came home that day. I made a sandwich for dinner, just a little scared. I fell asleep long after my bedtime, watching TV and waiting for mom. I slept late the next morning because she wasn’t there to wake me for school.
I never went back to school. I made my own meals, washed dishes, made my bed, took a bath and even brushed my teeth. Sometimes I slept during the day, sometimes during the night. I also watched a lot of TV. I could read the digital clock, but I didn’t really understand time, so I didn’t know if it was one day or several, but eventually I had to call Aunt Jane.
Even then, I didn’t care for her. She was scary and mean, but mom wasn’t home. The bread was gone and I couldn’t use the stove. I had one more pair of clean underwear. I needed my mom, so I called Aunt Jane, crying so hard that she couldn’t really understand me. I didn’t really understand what was going on either so I’m sure I made no sense.
Aunt Jane arrived quickly, demanded answers I didn’t have and made a phone call. When the police arrived, they contacted the school, finding out I had been alone for four nights. The policeman was nice. He had visited my school sometime in the past. I remembered him, but he probably didn’t know me. They filed a missing person’s report, but they almost didn’t need to. They had a Jane Doe.
I didn’t know what that meant. I thought they were talking about Aunt Jane, but her last name was Stewart like mine. Years later I knew. Mom had died.
The police wanted Aunt Jane to take me. If she didn’t I would go to foster care. I didn’t know what that meant until later either, but I went home with Aunt Jane, toting my tiny suitcase. Good thing I took my Fairy Castle book and a photo of mom because I never went back to our house and nothing else from my life with Mom came to Aunt Jane’s.
There was no funeral, no chance to say goodbye, no chance to grieve, just a new life for Abbi.
That’s enough reminiscing for now. Thinking about mom makes me sad. I should think about Dominic instead. My weekend stretched out ahead of me. Madison was off with a study group today, leaving me alone, but for the first time in ages, not lonely.
I stretched indulgently, hesitant to leave the warmth of my bed. I would do laundry, catch up on some studying, and maybe do some primping. This is the first time I’ve ever been interested in playing up how I look. Funny thing how Madison tried to spiff me up yesterday and here I am today planning to take her advice.
Chapter 7
It was Monday before I knew it and time to return to class. I was daydreaming again in Psych, but now about Dominic and the possibilities. I can’t be too quick about this though because my newfound comfort with men is just too new.
That reminds me, I need to talk to Gabe. We had a 10 minute break at the midpoint and I found him out in the hall.
“It was nice seeing you on Friday.”
“Hey, how was your friend,” he said with a smirk.
“I smiled. You won’t believe it. Maddie was fine, but that guy tried to trick me. He was hoping for a blowjob.” My face was flaming red as I confessed my naïveté. If I were any other girl, I would have just walked away, but not me. I had to go and freak out, but I didn’t have to tell Gabe that part.
“It’s an old trick. Get a girl alone and you might get lucky. Guys like that generally go for friends of the pretty girls who are grateful for some attention. I don’t know why he picked you though.”
“Have you seen Maddie? She’s gorgeous. Wait, you knew what he was up to and let me go off with him anyway, with no warning? What the hell?”
“Hey, guys like Joey are usually pretty harmless. Girls either walk away in disgust or they comply if they’re interested. You seemed confident enough to handle him and he makes the rest of us look better.”
“Apparently I’m not confident enough. I freaked out a little and now Joey might be kicked out of the frat,” so much for not telling him. I’m going to be the
weird girl again. I just know it.
“Sorry. I didn’t realize. I’ll watch out for you next time.” Gabe put his hand on my arm in concern. Alarm bells began to clang, crashing around me and jarring me to a sudden realization. I gritted my teeth and fought to not pull away from his touch. So there was something special about Dominic, although Gabe’s touch didn’t affect me as much as expected. While his touch put me on alert, made me uncomfortable, I didn’t have to fight down the dread that normally roiled within me, nearly choking me whenever someone got too close.
I pulled away from him and headed back into class. It seems I could handle it, but I still felt the need for the protection of fellow students.
Aunt Jane would be applauding me now, if she were able. I had denied the devil instead of succumbing to temptation. As if Gabe was really temptation. Dominic on the other hand, he was tempting. I guess there’s something special about him, allowing him close, without the fear that Aunt Jane instilled.
Chapter 8
True to his word, Dominic met me at the sandwich shop for dinner. It was a wonderful first date. Yep, I’m a college freshman, still a virgin, never been kissed before Dominic and this was my first date. It was casual, but it was a date.
Dominic paid, although I had meal credits. He arrived early and snagged a table back in the corner. It was quiet and a little secluded. We talked about our class schedules for the week. I’m studying anthropology. Dominic is finishing his doctorate in psychology. I didn’t tell him I was seeing a therapist. I didn’t want to scare him away on the first date.
“Anthropology is the study of people, right?”
“Technically, it’s the study of humankind. Presumably not all people are human or maybe not all humans are people.”
He laughed at my joke. “I bet not all people are human, take zombies for example. Then there are vampires, witches and werewolves, not to mention werebears.”