by Gloria Foxx
Considering a relationship with Dominic was just as terrifying as the thought of not seeing him again, and after missing him over the past several weeks, I knew exactly what that felt like. Only now, it would be a thousand times worse. Now we had added to our relationship and I’m not sure I can take having it ripped away. It would feel an awful lot like having my mother ripped away.
“That’s not all!”
He said it quietly, but it sounded like a shout. I was arrested, staring at my hands rather than meeting his eyes.
“You’re new to this so you don’t understand. You can’t possibly know that it was amazing. There have been women before you, but none of them were you.”
I sat in his chair in abject misery afraid to move forward, but unable to go back. What’s done is done. Dominic was magnetic, drawing me in and I couldn’t help myself. It was amazing, compelling and I can’t imagine going back to my life before him, but it seemed easier than continuing our budding relationship only to have it ripped away later when I was completely emotionally involved. What could I do?
“I’m afraid,” I whispered, still not looking at him. If nothing else, skating with Gabe taught me that it was easier to talk when I didn’t have to make eye contact.
“There’s nothing to be afraid of. Let me show you.”
I couldn’t talk about this. I needed to get out of here. I was suffocating in the small room. I made a mad, awkward dash for the door, flung it open and careened down that ornate oak staircase, running out into the November cold. I could hear Dominic calling behind me, and then he fell back. I looked over my shoulder. He was going back into the house. I could stop running. He wasn’t following me.
Wow. I wasn’t even worth following. My mind was made up. It would be easier to go our separate ways now than later. That didn’t stop my heart from breaking. The lump in my throat threatened to engulf me. Tears that had been welling in my eyes overflowed leaving icy trails down my cheeks. I had stopped running and walked several blocks, but I couldn’t catch my breath. I didn’t have my coat, but I didn’t even notice the cold.
Leaning against a nearby tree, I let the anguish wash over me. It was the senseless kind of pain that makes you helpless. I was helpless. I couldn’t walk any further. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t even breathe. There was hellfire in my chest, consuming my breath.
Dominic caught up with me. I didn’t hear him coming, my choking sobs drowning out all other sound. He put his hand on my back, but I didn’t feel it. I was numb. If he said anything, I couldn’t hear him, but I knew he was there because I saw his shoes. They weren’t even really shoes. They were slippers, shaped like a fish with a pink stripe along its side.
He didn’t say anything, but he stood beside me until the sobs abated. He came and that made me feel better, although I was still afraid.
“Nice shoes.” I was still crying quietly, but the slippers made me smile, a watery tremulous smile.
“I didn’t have time to find anything better. Not very good traction in this weather,” he said wryly.
I could just picture him slipping and sliding along the icy sidewalk in loose floppy fish slippers.
“We should talk about this. What’s wrong?” he asked.
The thought of being close to someone, giving them the power to hurt me, betray me, treat me carelessly was far too scary after spending so much time with no one.
“I need to deal with this on my own. I lost my mom and have never had anyone else. I’m just now getting stronger, but I’m not strong enough. It’s like I’m caught between two worlds, one foot has moved on while the other is still stuck in the past. I can’t even focus on the present let alone the future. Relationships with others are new to me and I won’t be able to handle rejection or heartbreak. I don’t think I could survive losing someone I came to love.”
I don’t love him. At least I don’t think I do, but I could.
“We’re not done here Abbi. This is all so new to you and you don’t have anything to compare it to. You need to understand that there’s something unique and momentous bringing us together. It’s more than the best sex I’ve ever had. When I’m with you, my life feels right. I don’t know what it is, but I’m not going to let it go. It’s amazing. You’re amazing and I’m not going to give up on you. Besides, I texted my mom and she’s expecting you for dinner tomorrow. She’s excited and I’d hate to let her down.”
I didn’t know what to say. My heart wanted to jump into his arms and say, “I’m yours,” but I needed to protect myself. I said nothing, for now.
“I’m not a casual-sex kind of guy. I like you. I’d like to spend more time with you, explore our relationship, understand what brings us together. Say yes Abbi.”
The lump in my throat became a swelling within my chest. I couldn’t breathe again, but for a totally different reason. He likes me and I want to like him back. He wants to see me again and I want to see him. Excitement started to bubble within me, not a rolling happy boil, instead slow, thick molten bubbles that collect, growing massive before rising to the surface slowly and then finally breaking through.
My heart swelled within me. I could grab this guy and kiss him right now, but I couldn’t quite look up from those silly fish slippers.
“Say yes Abbi. Say yes to me, say yes to yourself, say yes to us.”
“Yes.” It came out barely a whisper, a quiet whisper full of hope and dreams. It wasn’t like the other whispers at all. They were quiet now.
He liked me enough to see me again and that was good enough for me, for right now.
Chapter 19
We were back in his room. He walked all the way to my dorm in those crazy fish slippers so I could pack an overnight bag. He gave me his jacket on the way so I wouldn’t freeze and he trudged along in fish slippers and shirt sleeves.
I grabbed clean clothes and a dress for tomorrow, and I tucked in some clean underwear and a shirt for Friday, hoping I might spend a second night with Dominic. I’m sure his feet were wet and cold, but I was tickled that he’d sacrifice his comfort for me.
He wasn’t worried about his feet, instead, kneeling in front of me to remove my boots and socks. When he was done, he slid his hands up my legs to my thighs, while gazing intently into my eyes.
“You never did say what happened to your mom that has you so scared of commitment, of loving someone.”
“I suppose it’s because I lost her and never had another decent relationship. Aunt Jane was, well, you know. She was Aunt Jane.”
“You could have gone the other way, looking for love anywhere you could find it. Instead you played the ugly duckling with baggy clothes and ugly glasses. You did everything possible to make sure they didn’t notice you and when they did, you ran in fear. Why were you so afraid?”
“I couldn’t become a whore.” It came out in a shameful murmur, not because I was embarrassed to share, but because I was embarrassed to have believed it for so many years. Now that I’m no longer a virgin, Aunt Jane would feel justified, but I knew better. Sleeping with Dominic may have changed everything, changed me even, but it didn’t make me a whore. She was wrong.
“Aunt Jane would have kicked me out on the street. She watched me like a hawk to make sure I didn’t grow up to be like my mother and I didn’t have anywhere else to go.”
“Why did she think your mother was a whore?”
This was hard. My therapist said I needed to talk about it, and Dominic was just so easy to talk to. Maybe I could tell him. Maybe I should tell him now before we became more entangled. If knowing changed his opinion, it was better to know now.
He knelt there on the floor at my feet, looking into my eyes. I’m sure he could read my emotions right there on my face, the doubt, shame, fear were always with me and I couldn’t mask them. Aunt Jane could always read me and others throughout my school years could too. When they cried whore, I looked guilty.
“You can tell me. We’ve already established that Aunt Jane’s actions and opinions weren’t
based on reality. Tell me.”
I couldn’t resist him. I couldn’t say no. “My mom was raped and murdered.”
“Oh my God. I’m so sorry. I understood that you grew up without your mother, but I never imagined she was ripped away from you so violently. I’m sorry and I apologize for bringing it up, forcing you to share it.”
“Thanks. You haven’t forced me. I actually feel good about talking to you. My therapist has said I should talk about this more. It would become easier. I think he meant with him, but for some reason, I feel safe with you. You’re the only person I’ve ever told. Maddie doesn’t even know.”
Dominic had been sitting back on his heels, holding my hands, looking up at me. He rose up, moving closer, kneeling right in front of me. I didn’t realize there were tears streaming down my face until he cradled my cheeks in his palms and swiped his thumbs gently across my cheeks. “Cry if it makes you feel better.” He wrapped his arms around my middle hugging me tight, his face buried in my breasts, but it wasn’t sexual, it was loving and comforting. “Go ahead and cry,” he said holding me close.
Sobbing by then, I realized I had never really cried for mom. When I was six I didn’t actually understand. Yes. I cried because she wasn’t there, but I never cried for her, and this was for her and for all that was taken from her and from me.
I cried some more as Dominic held me. I cried for a lost mother, a lost daughter, a childhood that was much too short. I cried because I never learned to relate to men. I cried because I was frightened that what happened to my mother could happen to me. I cried because I am my mother’s daughter.
I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore and then I slept. I’m not sure how Dominic knelt for so long, but it must have been hours. That’s how long it felt. When I was done crying, he tucked me in his bed, pulling the blanket up and whispering, “Sleep now. It’ll be better.” It was better already, but he didn’t know everything yet.
Chapter 20
I don’t know how long I slept, but it was dark outside when I woke up and I was alone. It wasn’t dark in the room. Looking around, I noticed one of the three lights on the floor lamp was lit, pointing to the wall and bouncing dim light into the room. The digital clock next to the bed said 11:08, so bedtime. I was starving. I hadn’t eaten since lunch and I’d had a busy day, both physically and emotionally.
Could I go looking for Dominic? First to address a more pressing need, I had to find a bathroom, without running into anyone else from the house. Still in my jeans and top, I crept to the door and listened carefully. No sound. I opened it quietly and still no sound from below or above. As I slipped out of the room, I heard someone on the stairs below and panicked a little. Dashing back into Dominic’s room, I closed the door and leaned my back against it. God I wish he were here.
As I leaned into the door, I heard footsteps stop right outside. Oh Dominic, where are you? The door moved slightly, jarring me. Wait. It could be Dominic, right? Relief flooded me as he said, “Abbi, are you awake?”
I spun around and pulled open the door. Dominic was there with two plates. One piled high with grilled cheese and another with apple slices. As I moved aside to let him in, I noticed a couple bottles of water tucked under his arm. He was probably starving too and in spite of the hour, he was going to feed me.
Dominic set the plates and water bottles on the desk as I worked up the courage. “Um Dominic?”
“You’re not going to run away again are you?”
“No.” I self-conscious and more than a little embarrassed. “I know you pointed it out on your tour, but I can’t remember where to find the bathroom.”
He chuckled. “Let me show you.”
When we were back, I felt a hundred times better. Dominic brought the sandwiches to the bed and we lounged while enjoying grilled cheese.
“These are awesome, the best grilled cheese I’ve ever had.” Okay. Maybe it’s because I haven’t eaten in about twelve hours, but they were really good.
“I’m the grilled cheese master,” he said. “The trick is two or more kinds of cheese. Good bread is nice if you have it, but even cheap bread will do if you use two or more cheese flavors.”
“Here I thought they were good just because I was starving.”
“Yeah, that too.”
We laughed together as he handed over a bottle of water and pulled out the apple slices. Dominic fed me a couple slices. They were cold and crisp and juicy. We talked, teased and laughed as juice ran down my chin.
“Do you have a napkin?” The juice threatened to drip off my chin.
“Nope.” Instead, he swooped in and licked the apple juice from just below my jaw, his tongue swiping up my chin and across my bottom lip to catch the trail it left behind. I laughed, until our eyes met. Then it wasn’t funny anymore, it was erotic. I was immersed in his gaze, sucked in, pulled under.
Instead of coming back to me, Dominic pulled me to him, with a hand curved gently behind my neck. He devoured my mouth. I’m no longer hungry, but I’m starving for him and I can’t get close enough. He pulls away and I’m lost.
“Lie back.” I comply, helpless to resist. He was right when he brought me back here. There is something unique between us.
“Lift.” And I do. Dominic peels my jeans away, but not my thong, the pink and orange from earlier today. I’m still wearing my shirt too, undressed, but not really.
He grabs by knees and pulls me to the edge of the bed, slipping to the floor. He buries his face between my legs, breathing through the lace of my thong. I jump, lifting myself to his mouth, startled by his hot moist breath, and wanting more.
Dominic’s fingers twisted into the bits of lace at my hips, dragging my thong away. I lifted my hips as he pulled it down to my thighs and then further as it rolled and bunched. I held my breath, waiting. Then his mouth was on me, buried in me, sucking. His lips are sealed around my clit, drawing me into his mouth, rocking me with incredible, intense sensations, so immediate.
It’s too much. I can’t handle so much. I’m thrashing around, my hips swaying, dislodging him, even when I don’t mean to. Or maybe I do. It’s overwhelming. The sensations don’t stop and they’re too powerful to be contained, too powerful to control. Dominic presses his hand against my abdomen, fingers splayed across my hip bones, holding me in place.
He devours me. He’s voracious. His tongue laps from low in my folds, slowly, all the way up to my clit, swirling, teasing, and then back down again. He does it over and over, driving me crazy, repeating the same path, not exactly what I want, never speeding up, never quite reaching the right spot.
I can’t take it anymore. I need more and he knows it. He continues until I’m nearly unbalanced, moaning. My fingers laced in his hair. I try to direct him. My hips try to move, helping, but he holds firm. He knows what I need and he’s taunting me.
“Dominic!” I cry, barely able to form coherent words.
Then his tongue dives into me, deep, as deep as he can go. I feel his lips and chin at my entrance, he’s embedded within me. It’s good, but still not enough and he knows it, still toying with me.
My senses are heightened. I feel nothing around me and I feel everything. He’s breathing through his nose, his mouth occupied, and I can feel it. Intermittent wisps of breath drifting across my clit, heated yet cooling. I’m making strange, foreign sounds and I have no control. The sounds are coming from me. Partial words, partial sounds, beginning and then jolted, interrupted, not completed, just like me.
When I thought I might die, Dominic’s tongue finally slipped out of me, stroking upward. It was coming. It was time. It was almost there, almost to the top, the pinnacle, when it skidded to the side, swirling around. It was nice and not nice. The swirling made me hum, but it wasn’t enough. I was existing on the edge, teetering. I wanted to fall over. I wanted to fly free, but he kept me at that edge for eternity.
“Dominic!” I screeched, my fingers buried in his hair, tugging and twisting.
He finally complied, his mo
uth landing on my clit. My hips bucked and lurched, I couldn’t breathe. I was falling, tumbling over the brink. There was no tongue, just lips suctioned around my clit, drawing me into the depths of his mouth, pulling me over the edge.
I burst in mid air, interrupting my freefall with an explosion of searing heat and blinding light. It wasn’t one explosion, but hundreds sparkling and sizzling through me, sending me in all directions, scorching in agony, yet feeling like ecstasy too.
Everything was blackness and light, like sparklers on Independence Day. I couldn’t see my surroundings. I couldn’t see Dominic, but I could feel him still drawing on me, keeping me afloat, yet tethered to him, setting me free while surrounding me.
Finally, he let me go. I drifted away like a feather, carried by a zephyr. I was helium, lighter than air, but hot like fire and bright like sunlight too.
Chapter 21
Dominic wasn’t gone for long. Before I could settle back to earth, he was back, now at my entrance, interrupting my euphoria. He wouldn’t let me float away, he demanded my attention. I hadn’t yet settled down, and now there was no chance. Dominic was insistent.
“Look between our bodies,” he whispered between gritted teeth. Why was he so tense? I was languorous, not yet realizing he was pulling me back, commanding my attention. I didn’t want to open my eyes, instead floating free on the ripples still coursing through me.
“Look!” His tone brooked no argument so I looked.
Oh my God. He was massive, a mighty oak growing from my tiny patch of pubic hair. It’s not going to fit. Irrational I know. We did this before. He fit before, but this was all so new to me.
Dominic hooked my knees over his arms, tilting me toward him as he glided between my nether lips. Where did all that moisture come from? I felt nearly full and he had only just begun the journey to my center. Where would it all go? Then he was surging forward and seated deep within me. The pressure was intense, an overfilled water balloon, and every movement set off tremors within me.