by Gloria Foxx
“Maybe now he’ll get some help.” As crazy as I sometimes feel, I’ve never done anything to anyone else. I didn’t need to feel guilty about Joe. I didn’t do anything to him. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions.
Gabe had finished his dinner and was looking at my plate pointedly. “You done?”
“Yeah. I’m not really hungry tonight.”
“Good. Let me walk you home.” I didn’t need an escort, but Gabe was nice and Maybe Maddie was right. His company made me feel better.
“Thanks.”
We walked the ten minutes to my dorm mostly in silence. It was cold, with fine, sparkly snowflakes drifting down around us. We stood on the gallery near where Dominic had kissed me and Gabe grabbed my hand. I didn’t have gloves and he scolded me, although the cold barely registered.
“I’ve got to go. Thanks for walking with me.” I turned to leave, but Gabe’s hand tightened on my fingers.
“Wait.” He seemed uncertain. “I’d like to go out sometime.”
Gabe was good company and I needed that right now. “I’d like that too.”
“How about Friday?”
That was quick, only two days from now, but I didn’t have a social life so there was no problem with short notice. Besides, Tuesday was our last day of classes before Christmas so there wasn’t much time.
“Friday’s good.” I smiled. It wasn’t a bright sparkly smile and it didn’t reach my eyes, but Gabe didn’t seem to notice.
“Great. I’ll pick you up here at seven.”
I turned to go inside without further comment, not sure if this was a good idea, but certain that doing nothing wasn’t helping.
Chapter 27
True to his word, Gabe was waiting for me on Friday. I didn’t invite him to my room. I wasn’t afraid he would be tempted by Madison. It just seemed too intimate and I didn’t want to be intimate with Gabe. I felt bad about that because I probably shouldn’t be dating him if there’s zero hope for a future.
We went bowling.
“Bowling!” I said. “People still go bowling?”
“It’s a lot of fun. You’ll see.”
We rented shoes and picked out balls. Mine was bright green with a neon yellow swirl. I’d never been bowling and Gabe demonstrated, wrapping his tall lanky body around me and helping me pace out three steps while swinging my arm back and then forward again. I felt none of the spark that Dominic created, but Gabe was nice.
I couldn’t quite get the hang of twisting my wrist so my palm was up as I released the ball. I had mostly gutter balls and no strikes. It was fun and I smiled a lot. Not during moments of intimate conversation, mostly while laughing at myself and when I made a particularly good shot.
There was plenty of time for intimate conversation and a few times I caught myself thinking how fun this would be with Dominic. The bowling alley was dim, most of the light coming from the lanes, wood gleaming and reflecting the lights highlighting the trail the ball took on its way to meet the pins.
When the game was over, we had a final tally and I’d lost horribly.
“Loser owes the winner a kiss!”
“Don’t try and trick me. I see plenty of men and couples playing together and I’m sure they’re not going to be kissing each other when they’re done.”
“Can’t blame me for trying can you?”
We laughed on our way to the adjacent restaurant for pizza.
We talked easily while waiting. I was ravenous and scarfed pizza, talking between mouthfuls.
“I haven’t eaten so much in a long time. This is great.”
“I’ve noticed you look thinner. Are you okay?” He seemed concerned.
“I’m fine, just a little down.”
“Short days this time of year can really get to you. Then there’s the studying and stress of exams and rush to head home for the holidays. It can be a tough time of year.”
For some there are broken hearts, loneliness, and misery. I didn’t say it out loud. Besides, I didn’t want to talk about the holidays and instead steered the conversation to him. Fortunately he didn’t seem to mind talking about himself. And he was still talking about himself as we drove back to my dorm.
He was an only child from an affluent family. His parents were older and had adopted him in their forties. We commiserated about having older parents, although Aunt Jane was much older. Before I knew it we were back at my dorm.
Gabe asked for another date as he walked me to the door, but I put him off with studying for exams, final projects and Christmas coming up so soon. He seemed okay with that and promised to track me down after the break.
The gallery was empty tonight and we were alone. I wasn’t sure I wanted to kiss him goodnight, but decided to leave it to him. He chose to kiss me, and it was nice. His lips were cool and dry from the wintery night. Mine probably were too. His mouth moved over mine softly and there was no demand. No question. There was no flicker of excitement or glimmer of heat. It was just nice.
I felt bad, but thought this tells me Gabe is a friend. I came to the realization while kissing him. I wasn’t engaged in the kiss. I didn’t lose track of time or place. My mind wandered and I thought about other things, hoping that Dominic didn’t ruin me, that I’d find someone to share my passion, someone to love.
Chapter 28
It was Christmas Day and I was back at St. Joe’s, preparing to serve dinner to hundreds of homeless. I couldn’t help but think about Dominic, remembering how much I enjoyed working with him, serving Thanksgiving dinner side-by-side. He was helpful and generous. He knew when people wanted to talk and when he should leave them alone. He made them feel at home, but not embarrassed by circumstance.
I missed him at times like these. I know we spent only days together, parts of days really, and we’ve spent weeks apart, but our bond was strong. Severing it is hard. The razor wire is still there. It’s grown in, become a part of me. The pain is no longer raw, but it’s a persistent ache and sometimes more. Now I know why people get tats with hearts and daggers and barbed wire, because that’s what it feels like.
Preparing turkeys for the oven is a messy job. There’s no better way to do it than to get elbow deep in a turkey bum. That’s where I was when I saw him, working at a stainless steel table, arm in a turkey, fishing around for the innards.
His hair was trimmed, but he looked haggard, his clothes rumpled. There was grimness about his mouth that bespoke tension and a weariness to his eyes that aged him beyond his years.
Still, he’s beautiful and I miss him. I wonder how I might look to him.
Dominic approaches and our eyes meet. It’s impossible to look away. Our eyes cling to each other, heavy, trying to slide away, but coming right back like gravity is pulling my eyes to his. I’m lost for a moment, trancelike until another volunteer comes up beside me. “Whatcha doin to that turkey?”
I pull my gaze from Dominic, looking toward the volunteer who interrupted. My eyes are glazed, blank. I can’t understand what he wants, but his attention turns to Dominic, as I try to recover my equilibrium.
“Hey Dom! Glad you could make it.”
They were friendly, shaking hands and smiling. The program director walked up beside me, silently, or maybe I couldn’t hear over the roaring in my ears. I’d finally pulled my hand from the turkey.
“I wanted to thank you for bringing Dominic to our Thanksgiving dinner. He’s been our most regular volunteer since then, next to you of course.”
What? Dominic is volunteering here? I never saw him. “I didn’t know that,” I said, in shock. Yep, still a stellar conversationalist.
“Oh. I’m sorry. He asked to work different shifts than you do. I didn’t realize I never mentioned it. Thanks again. We can use all the help we can get.”
“You’re welcome.” I say trying to get over the hurt of Dominic working here, but keeping the secret from me. “Hey, I’m just about finished with these turkeys. What’s next?”
“Dominic’s on potato duty. Ca
n you work with him?”
“Um, sure.” I gulped.
Challenging, yes, but I volunteered here because people were hungry and they needed my help. I didn’t want to work with Dominic, but if they needed me to, that’s what I’d do.
I grabbed a peeler and headed in his direction.
“Abbi.”
“Don’t talk to me. Don’t you dare talk to me.” I was angry now, when I hadn’t been before. I thought I’d been doing better. I guess not.
“What are we going to do?”
“Don’t do this to me. You cut me loose.”
“You’re mine and I realize it now. I’ve missed you.”
“No! You made your choice and it didn’t include me. I’m not some puppet that you can pick up and use when it suits you, only to discard me when I become too difficult. I’m not yours. You can’t have me.”
He was quiet then. I could hear my heartbeat pounding in my chest, chugging away, a train picking up speed, barreling toward something I couldn’t see, just up ahead. It felt like disaster. I’m sure he could hear it too. We both reached for the same potato, our fingers barely brushing together.
My breath caught in my throat and I jerked my hand away. I could scarcely drag in air, relying on quick shallow breaths. I was definitely not over this man. I had it bad, but I wouldn’t be hurt again. He had his chance and now my anger kept him at bay. It had to. It’s all I had left and I couldn’t go through losing him every time a challenge arose.
I finally spoke to him when Helen needed help mixing the stuffing. “You better go.” It came out in a low whisper, barely audible, but he heard. Dominic set down his peeler and went off to help Helen.
We made it through the rest of the day without mishap. At one point, while trying to pass by one another, we danced a bit, both trying to move from the other’s path and instead blocking each other’s way. Dominic stepped aside and let me by.
Most volunteers left quickly after dinner, rushing home to their own Christmas celebrations. I didn’t see Dominic go, but I was pretty sure he was gone. I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. I needed a moment and ducked into the dry good storage room. It was mostly canned and packaged food products so no one would come back here now. I locked the door behind me just in case. I didn’t need anyone seeing me like this.
Sinking down onto a barrel, I dropped my head into my hands. What was I going to do? I thought I was getting better, getting over him, until I saw him again. I squeezed my eyes shut, tipping my head back to keep the tears from falling. It wasn’t enough. They were pooling around my lashes. I pinched the bridge of my nose. The tears still seeped between my eyelids, sliding down my temples and into my hair. I tried to moderate my breathing to keeps the sobs in my chest. A whimper broke free.
I couldn’t help it. The image of him, from the moment he walked in earlier today, was emblazoned in my mind. He looked used up, depleted, weary like he needed me. Is that how I look? It’s how I feel, plain old worn out from the tension, the ache that’s constantly with me. The razor wire was tight on my heart today, leaving me ragged and tattered.
“Abbi.” It was a soft gentle call in my imagination, I thought.
“Abbi. You look so sad. I’m sorry.”
I didn’t imagine it. He’s here, locked in the storage room with me. Every instinct for self-preservation launched into full gear. Flight. I had to get away. I jumped up, dashing to the door. My fingers didn’t work. I couldn’t make the lock work. I fumbled a moment too long and then he was there. I had to fight.
“Don’t touch me!”
“Abbi.”
“You left me. I’m not yours. You don’t have the right to touch me.”
“Abbi. I love you.”
“Please don’t do this to me.” My eyes were wide, glassy with tears.
“I can’t help it. I love you. I was wrong. Give me a chance to fix it.”
I watched him closely, ready to bolt. That was my first mistake. I was lost in his eyes, like every other time his eyes captured mine. They held me in a trance, unable to turn away. Our breathing drew us even closer. Then our lips clashed. That was my second mistake.
Chapter 29
I was wearing a dress. Impractical in a kitchen, I know, but it’s Christmas.
Dominic wrapped his arms around me, hands sliding up and down my back, into my hair, bending me to his will. I was helpless to resist. I didn’t want to resist. I wanted him and I was going to have him, if only for right now. My hands came to his face, pulling him closer. We needed to be closer.
We were titans, at war, clashing desperately, fighting ourselves before coming together fiercely.
Dominic’s hands at my back pulled me closer, lifting me to his height. My arms wrapped around his shoulders, giving me leverage, helping to hold us together. His thigh slid between my legs and my feet left the ground. I rested intimately against him. I shifted and then moaned into Dominic’s mouth as moisture oozed from my deepest recess, dampening my panties and his pants.
Hands slid down my back, cupping my butt and dragging me up his thigh toward the bulge in his pants, grinding against me.
Our lips were tenacious, fastened to one another with a loyalty I didn’t expect, wasn’t sure I wanted. Oh hell, who am I kidding? I want this. I’m just not sure I can handle what comes after.
Dominic’s lips pull away, looking behind him. My hands turn his face back to me, catching his lips again, and then we’re moving.
I thought it was the kiss at first making me dizzy, tilting my world. That’s true too, but this is actual movement. Dominic’s forearms under my butt hold me steady as he turns, heading for the work table behind us and bracing me against the edge of it.
“Abbi I need you.”
Our lips cling as he works his hands up under my dress, finding my panties, dragging them down as they roll and bunch. My hands are at his belt buckle loosening, unbuttoning, pushing his pants away, underwear and all. Our hands are urgent, insistent. Dominic pulls away, before I can get my hands on him. He goes down on one knee, freeing my panties from around my feet and shoving them in his pocket.
He looks up at me, eyes soulful. I can see love in his eyes, but I ignore it. I need something more primal right now. My dress bunches around my hips as Dominic slides his hands up my thighs. He doesn’t stand up yet, instead pushing his face between my thighs, his nose and mouth between my folds, inhaling, kissing me reverently.
I need more than that gentle suction. I need him inside me. It’s been too long. I tug on his shoulders, pulling him back to me, demanding. I finally finish what I started, pushing his pants out of the way. His cock springs free, standing proud and tall, steely yet plush. I wrap my hand around him, pulling him to me. He’s hot and pulsing with life.
Dominic pulls my hand away. “Abbi don’t. I can’t take it.”
He wraps me in his arms, lifting me slightly and impaling me. I groan when he’s fully seated, deep inside of me. He’s still for a moment and I’m sated, for now, relishing the sense of oneness. This is what I needed, to be part of him.
Then we’re moving again, slow strokes. It’s almost satisfying, but not quite. He’s pushing me to something much more grand. I wrap my legs around him, pulling him with me, urging him on, demanding more.
I’m climbing the sheer mountain face. It’s steep and strenuous. Our bodies are slamming together as he pounds into me, giving me all of him. I’m at the brink, balancing precariously, holding on, waiting for Dominic as he continues to flay me. He’s groaning and I can’t hold on any longer, hurtling over the edge, into the storm. My interior muscles clenching and clasping at him as he bucks and thrashes, joining me. I could feel him pulsing, throbbing inside of me.
There was roaring in my ears and alternating bright and dark behind my eyes as I scatter to the four winds. I’m disoriented and it doesn’t matter because I’m whole. I’m complete as long as Dominic is a part of me.
I returned to being, recovering my senses gradually. Eventually I could thin
k rationally again. Dominic was clasped between my thighs. We were holding each other tightly. My arms wrapped around him, my chin resting on his shoulder. His hand was at my back, fingers spread wide, pressing me to me to him, his face buried in my neck.
“What are we doing?” I pulled away, pushing against him, pushing him away.
“Abbi stop.”
He held on tight, but I couldn’t do this. This moment of weakness would make our separation even more difficult. He couldn’t commit to me and I couldn’t risk being hurt again. It was easier to be alone. We couldn’t do this.
“I’m not yours!” I struggled to free myself, disentangle our bodies from one another. He slipped free from me and stepped back.
My eyes darted around the room. I needed to clean up. There were paper towels on a shelf. I dabbed and swiped the moisture from between my thighs while looking for my panties. Dominic zipped up and buckled his belt as I looked about. I couldn’t find them.
“Abbi, we need to talk about this.”
I couldn’t find them, but I couldn’t stay here. As I headed to the door I said, “No. We don’t. You promised when I warned you not to and now I can’t trust you” I was gone, leaving him behind. I felt strong, empowered, but sad and seething with agony too. Seeing him today strengthened our connection. It would be harder than ever to be apart.
Chapter 30
The kitchen was almost clean. I expected Dominic to leave for Christmas with his parents, but he didn’t. He hung around, pestering me, appearing to work, but not really helping. He reached past me, his hands brushed mine, he bumped into me. It looked like nothing more than incidental contact, but I knew better. He was harassing me, trying to break down my barriers.
“Let me give you a ride.” It was a statement. He didn’t ask.
I wanted to say no, but it was cold. My legs were bare. It was a long walk here without bus service and probably a longer walk back. “Okay, if you promise not to touch me.”
“I promise,” he said.