So Dear to My Heart

by Susan Barrie

  This time it was Virginia who said, very quietly, “I see! ’’ He regarded her thoughtfully. The lights in the veranda were far dimmer than they were in the ballroom, but they were sufficient to enable him to see that her face all at once had become very small and pale and inscrutable, or so it seemed to him.

  He reminded her with a new kind of gentleness in his voice. “You haven’t told me yet why you’re going home?”

  “Because I must,” she replied, suddenly feeling rather vague. “Because of the wedding,” she added.

  “The—wedding?” He shot her quite a startled sideways glance but she did not notice it, for she was staring straight ahead and thinking. Ofcourse Carla willfollow him here and they’ll spend Christmas together! Why in the world was I so stupid as to imagine ... ?

  Dr. Hanson was grinding his half-smoked cigarette beneath his heel.

  “When is this wedding to be?” he asked curtly.

  “Early in January,” she told him.

  “And I suppose you want to go home to begin preparations?”

  “We shall have to begin preparations fairly soon—” she was beginning, when all at once it struck her that he must have entirely misunderstood her and that after all it was not surprising, since she had not told him that the wedding concerned Lisa and not herself. It was on the very tip of her tongue to explain to him that it was not she who was getting married when something made her pause. One glance at his face, pale, set and a little hard about the lips, coupled with his admission that he could not apparently go anywhere for any length of time without Miss Spengler following hard at his heels—and how he had managed to snatch this brief holiday he was on now without Carla she could not think, but as he was staying for another two days she might arrive at any moment—suddenly helped her to make up her mind.

  It was not a deliberate deception and he would probably find out very soon that he had made a mistake, but for the remainder of this evening there was no reason why she should not gather together the remnants of her pride and deceive him a little. He who had treated her to a kind of cat-and-mouse game of being utterly charming to her at one moment and reminding her at the next that he was not free to be taken seriously! He obviously enjoyed amusing himself with her a little—otherwise why had he threatened to kiss her again only yesterday? But it was Miss Spengler, the beautiful, accomplished, secure Carla with whom he proposed to spend the rest of his life!

  She swallowed something in her throat, something like a lump that had risen up in it, and at the same time she shook a little with a sensation almost of anger. Thank goodness for Clive and that dinner at the Milano, which had made it possible for him to believe that she was not altogether unwanted at least! And Lisa wouldn’ t mind. Lisa

  wouldn’ t mind in the very slightest!

  “Is this all rather sudden or did you make up your minds before our young friend Clive went home to England?” he inquired with a cold curl to his lips. “Or perhaps discovering that you would have such a pleasant father-in-law helped you to decide?”

  But it was unnecessary for Virginia to attempt anything further, for Mary came quickly from the ballroom and rallied them both in her cheerful tones.

  “We wondered where you two were hiding yourselves! But if you’ d like to go and dance, Leon, I’ ll stay here with Virginia and keep her company. They’re playing a tango and I believe you’re rather good at it—”

  “Yes, do dance, Dr. Hanson,” Virginia urged him, and Mary looked from one controlled face to the other with a surprised lift to her eyebrows.

  “Very well.” He stood up and bowed a little to them both before he left them. “If you don’t mind missing a dance, Mary. Perhaps Edward, or that other young man who stared so hard at Miss Holt during dinner, will keep her company for the next dance and you’ll be free to take the floor again.”

  “Well! ” Mary exclaimed when he had left them, looking at Virginia keenly. “Is anything wrong?”

  “No, nothing,” Virginia told her hastily. And then she added, “But do you think I could go home soon, Mrs. Van Loon? I’ m sorry if it’ s going to be awkward but—” she seized thankfully upon her ankle as an excuse “—my ankle—it’s a bit painful....”

  “Of course, my dear,” Mary answered at once and her expression softened. “I’m afraid you’re not having a very exciting evening.” She could have added that she had thought, however, that Virginia had found all the excitement she either required or desired in sharing a couch in a subtly lit, enclosed veranda with Dr. Hanson, but she did not do so. One glance at the two faces when she had joined them had told her that something was very wrong between them. “As a matter of fact, I was thinking of going home early myself, so we’ ll go together. If you like, we’ll make our excuses now and fetch our wraps.”

  “So long as I’m not really taking you away—” Virginia demurred.

  “Not a bit, my dear. I can do with an early night. Come along! ”

  They could not find their host, for he appeared to have vanished, but Edward promised to convey their good-nights and their thanks to him. When they reached the chalet Mary said cheerfully, “We’ ll have an English pot of tea before we go to bed, and if I were you I’d take a couple of aspirin tablets. You do look a bit tired and they’ll help to soothe your ankle.”

  In the morning, Edward took Peter and Paula to the beginners’ slopes and Virginia managed to spend a short time with Mrs. Van Loon alone. She had lain awake half the night trying to make up her mind what to say to her, but now she knew what she was going to say.

  “I want to go home, Mrs. Van Loon, and I want to go as soon as you can spare me. Today, even, if it could be managed.”

  “My dear!” was all Mrs. Van Loon could say and then she sat deliberately studying Virginia, who was certainly not the Virginia she had been a few days ago. There were smudgy mauve circles under her eyes that told the story of a sleepless night and the eyes themselves were dull and lackluster. She looked a little pinched, too, and very pale, although that might be because her ankle was troubling her.

  “I know it’s all terribly sudden,” Virginia said, speaking quickly and nervously, “but you know that Effie is quite capable of looking after the children altogether now that we’ve got her so well trained, and in the New Year they’ re both going to school in England. That is already fixed.”

  “Yes, but, my dear, I was going to ask you to stay on as a—well, as a kind of companion,” Mrs. Van Loon told her. Virginia rewarded her with a wan smile.

  “That’s terribly nice of you,” she said gratefully, “but I think you only thought of that because you thought I might be hurt. And I must go home. I’d have to go directly after Christmas if I didn’t go now, but I’d rather go now if you can spare me.”

  “Of course, if you feel you must, but all the same—” Mrs. Van Loon looked puzzled. “Don’t think I’m trying to interfere,” she said gently, “but has it anything to do with Dr. Hanson?”

  Virginia was silent for a moment and then she stared down at her hands

  in her lap.

  “Y-yes,” she admitted at last, “it has.”

  “You—rather like him don’t you, dear?”

  Virginia simply lifted her eyes and then lowered them again immediately, and Mary Van Loon sighed.

  “I was afraid something like that was happening,” she told the younger woman, “and as I knew there was always Carla in the way, I rather hoped that—well, that you would get over it or that he would have the sense to keep well out of your way. But last night I must admit I rather gathered a new impression about you both and I began to hope that something might come of it after all! ” She leaned forward and took Virginia’s hands gently within her own. “You’re quite sure that nothing can ever come of it and that’s why you want to go back to England?”

  “Last night,” Virginia told her, “I let him think that I am going to marry Clive Maddison! Actually it is Lisa who is going to marry Clive; I had a letter from her yesterday telling me all about it.
But Dr. Hanson always believed that it was I who was interested in Clive.”

  “And to save your pride you are prepared to let him go on thinking that?”

  “Yes. If only you will help me to keep up the pretence until I am back in England. ”

  Mary Van Loon looked inexpressibly troubled.

  “It seems a foolish and dangerous thing to do,” she said. “He’s bound to find out before very long, and what then?”

  “Nothing,” Virginia replied bitterly, “except that he’ll probably be wholeheartedly thankful I’ ve removed any slight temptation from his path. Please! ” she begged Mary. “Please don’ t say anything to contradict what I’ve told him until I’m at home, and please let me go at once! I could get the funicular down to Gstahl and take the express from there. And I could fly the rest of the way—I can easily afford it.”

  “And you won’t come back? Not after you’ve had time to think things over and perhaps realize that they’ re not so serious after all?” Virginia shook her head with a mixture of decision and mournfulness.

  “No, I’ll never come back.”

  “Oh, my dear! ” Mary exclaimed and gave her hands an entirely sympathetic squeeze. “But what am I to say to Leon when I see him. as I’m almost bound to do before he leaves, and if he asks for you?”

  “Tell him I—tell him I was recalled home urgently, and that I hadn’t time to say goodbye to anyone! ”

  “But won’ t he think that rather strange? And what if he wants to know what sort of trouble you were recalled home to?’

  “It’s hardly any affair of his, is it?” Virginia murmured, and there was something quietly implacable about her that made Mary Van Loon realize that her mind was fully made up and nothing she could say would do anything at all to help her to change it.

  “Very well, my dear,” she said, albeit reluctantly. “If that’s the way you feel then there’s nothing for me to do but offer to help you pack. But you must give me permission to let Madame d’ Auvergne know the truth. She had grown very fond of you, you know, and it wouldn’t be fair to keep her in the dark. You do see that, don’t you?”

  “Well, yes,” Virginia admitted after a moment of hesitation. And then she sighed rather wistfully as she thought of Aunt Heloise and her lovely orchid-mauve salon. Dear Aunt Heloise! More than anything she would have liked to say goodbye to her and to have thanked her once again for all her kindness.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Virginia never remembered very much about that journey home to England. She only knew that it started to rain as soon as they sighted the Channel and that it was simply pouring when they touched down at Heathrow Airport. It was cold, too, raw cold after Switzerland and she shivered as she stood looking about her in the faint hope that someone she knew might be at the airport. But as she had neglected to inform anyone of her arrival, there was no real reason to expect that anyone would be there to meet her.

  The airline company’ s bus took her within a reasonable distance of her home and a taxi conveyed her the remainder of the way. It was Friday and she remembered that on Friday evenings her mother and father always went to the movies, and as it was term time her two young brothers would both be away at school. But Lisa would probably be at home, most likely practicing her piano, unless she, too, had gone to the movies or was spending the evening with Clive. But as Clive was now at his agricultural college that did not seem very likely.

  For a moment, when she first rang the bell of the apartment, she was certain they were all out for there was no sound of Lisa’s piano and there was also no sign of any light save a dim bulb in the hall. But then footsteps came somewhat hesitatingly along the corridor and Lisa herself opened the door, holding her old blue dressing gown around her and endeavoring to conceal as much of her person as possible behind the door.

  “Jinny! ” she exclaimed, and ceased holding the dressing gown and threw the door wide open.

  “Liz! ” Virginia exclaimed and smiled light-headedly at her. She dumped her suitcase on the floor of the hall and the two sisters fairly ran into one another’s arms. They hugged one another delightedly and then stood back to view each other’ s faces. But Lisa was completely bewildered.

  “Why on earth didn’ t you let us know you were coming?” she demanded. “Oh, Jinny, what in the world has happened that you had to take us by surprise like this? Mummy and Daddy are out and it’s

  Betty’s evening off, and if I’d been out, too, who would have let you in?”

  “I’d have had to camp on the doorstep until you all returned,” Virginia told her, trying to laugh as if that would really have been very amusing, although the laugh was such a husky little effort that Lisa was not deceived. “Or, at any rate, until one-of you returned.”

  Lisa said nothing, but drew her into the lounge where she gave a hasty poke to the fire and switched on the big standard lamp that stood just behind their father’s favorite armchair. Looking around the room Virginia saw that it was almost exactly as she had seen it last, with the same litter of magazines and library books, a piece of sewing flung down carelessly on a corner table, the television set unused except when the boys were at home, and Lisa’ s magnificent piano dominating and dwarfing everything else.

  It had always been an untidy room, a homey room, but it was now a haven of refuge, or that was the way it appeared to Virginia after her long hours of cold and wearisome travel. She sank down into a chair near the fire and huddled over it, holding her hands to the blaze that sprang up, and Lisa explained why she was wearing her dressing gown.

  “I’ve been trying on a dress,” she explained, “one that I bought this morning. It’s to be part of my trousseau. Daddy gave me a check last week so that I could start getting things, but if I’ d had the faintest idea that you were going to turn up this evening I’ d have been all ready to receive you. But, Jinny, why are you here when the last we heard was that you were thoroughly enjoying yourself in Switzerland?”

  “I suddenly felt homesick,” Virginia told her and Lisa knew that that was only a part of the truth.

  “And Mrs. Van Loon agreed to spare you?”

  “She didn’ t particularly want to, but—the children are going to boarding school here in England after Christmas and I would have been leaving them in any case. And I wanted to come home and see you all—I did want to see you all again very badly! ” she answered incoherently, looking with a kind of hungry wistfulness in her face at her sister.

  Lisa gazed at her in a concerned fashion, for she could never recall Virginia looking quite like this before; not only pale and peaked and travel weary, but with something about her that suggested she was trying to conceal the fact that at heart she was almost numb with hurt. There was a blank look in her eyes despite the fact that the sight of Lisa had acted like a temporary tonic, and a kind of quiver at the corner of her mouth that she found difficult to control, although she was constantly catching her lower lip between her teeth and holding it hard to steady it. She was also trying to smile hard too, at Lisa, and Lisa thought the smile completely unnatural and altogether unlike Virginia.

  She decided that for the time being it would be as well not to press for information on the subject of why Virginia had not even bothered to let her family know she was returning, and began instead to deplore the fact that there was very little in the house to provide a welcome home spread. “And I expect you’re terribly hungry,” she said. “But if you’ d like to come to the kitchen with me I’ ll scramble some eggs and make some coffee and we can talk while you’re eating. It’s horribly cold and raw today, but it’s warm in the kitchen—warmer than here because I let the fire get down.”

  “And you really are able to use your hands again quite normally?” Virginia inquired as she sat at the scrubbed kitchen, table and watched her sister busying herself at the stove.

  “Oh, quite normally! ” Lisa shot her a sudden radiant look. “Isn’ t it marvelous? And all because of Dr. Hanson! Mommy and daddy say they can never be sufficiently gra
teful to him, and they do wish he’d send in his account even if it’s absolutely staggering.”

  Virginia started hastily to butter toast while Lisa watched the eggs.

  “I expect he’ll send it in one day,” she observed, wondering whether her voice sounded particularly flat to Lisa. And then, to change the subject, she added, “And you’re getting married early in the new year? That’ s one reason why I had to come home—to help you get together all the things you’ll be needing. I simply couldn’t let you indulge in an orgy of shopping of that kind alone! ”

  Lisa smiled at her with warm appreciation.

  “Then in that case I’m absolutely delighted you’ve come home, because shopping for one’s wedding is the most madly exciting thing I know and I’ ve been wanting someone like my dear and only sister to trail around with me through the bargain basements! You’ve no idea the bargains I’ve picked up already! All sorts of things we’ll be wanting for the home, although I expect we’ll live with the general after we’re married, and he’s such an old pet it’ll be great fun. His sister’s been finding that big house too much for her lately and she says she’ ll be glad to live with another relative and make way for me as the new housekeeper.”

  “Then I hope you know something about housekeeping?”

  “I don’ t know much at the moment of going to press, but I will by the time I’ m married.” Lisa looked so happily confident that Virginia could scarcely believe that she was the same Lisa who had lost all, or practically all, interest in life before going to Switzerland; “Betty’ s teaching me to cook and I’ve got all sorts of books on the subject.” “But you’ re still keen on your music?”

  “Oh, yes. I shall keep on with that, of course. But naturally it’s Clive who comes first now—as he always must and will.” Virginia let her talk away about Clive and all their plans for the future, and she did not need anyone to tell her that Lisa was completely and absolutely devoted to the man who in a very short space of time was to become her husband. There was a look on her face when she even mentioned his name that was a revelation to Virginia, who had grown so much accustomed to having a sister who lived only for music. The dull ache of longing in her own heart for a man she would probably never see again in her lifetime made it almost painfully easy for her to understand this attitude. There could be no other attitude when you were in love.