My Biggest Lie

by Luke Brown

  ‘That’s a fine plan,’ I said.

  ‘Craig wouldn’t mind, would he, what we did?’

  ‘Of course he would. He’d be bloody furious.’

  ‘He would have found it funny, I know that.’

  ‘We can only hope so. Let’s stop being so funny, though, let’s have less fun. For him. For ourselves.’

  James put his hands on my shoulders and looked at me proudly. ‘A good idea, Liam.’

  I didn’t like that look. It didn’t belong to him. But he could own that pride if he needed it. I couldn’t give it to anyone else. He let go and we looked at each other sadly.

  ‘You sure you won’t stay?’ he asked.

  ‘I’m sure. I have to be somewhere else.’

  ‘Somewhere good, I hope.’

  I hoped so too. Sarah had rented a new place close to our old one. She had answered my letter and agreed to meet me. We’d spoken on the phone just after the funeral but I didn’t know any of the important details about how her life had changed. I had not dared to ask if she had a new boyfriend.

  ‘Someone good,’ I said.

  ‘Good luck.’

  I’d need more than that.

  On the bus, getting close to our old stop, I took out my pen and dedicated a dead man’s novel to Sarah. I crossed out Craig Bennett on the title page and wrote the very last line of the love letter.

  I am sorry, Sarah, and I hope you will forgive me. Love from Liam.

  It was something I could offer to her that no one else could. My biggest lie. My only love. For a moment, I toyed with throwing it out of the top window. But it was a heavy book, and I had done enough damage with it already.

  Acknowledgements

  Thank you to:

  Peter Straus, Sam Copeland

  Francis Bickmore, Jamie Byng, Andrea Joyce, Lorraine McCann, Jo Dingley, Jaz Lacey-Campbell and everyone at Canongate

  Alan Mahar, Catherine O’Flynn, Keiran Goddard

  Michael Schmidt, Zoe Strachan, Kei Miller

  Jacquie, Naomi, Rachel and all my family

  Edward Robinson and Lucila Porthe, for Argentina

  Rik Evans and Kevin Pocklington, kind hosts in Scotland

  Zanna Gilbert

  Charlotte Payne, Johnpaul Villafrati, Ian Edwards, Johnny Nichols

  Mark Richards, Lee Brackstone

  Anna Kelly

  CHANNELLING GREAT

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