by L A Cotton
“I’m my own worst enemy. She deserves better, doesn’t she?”
Zac eyed me like I was stupid. “Man, she wants you, you want her, isn’t that for her to decide?”
“You should’ve seen her when I told her. I could see her breaking in front of me. Shit, I messed up.”
“So, what are you going to do about it?”
I scrubbed a hand over my face. “I’m not sure yet.”
“From me to you, man, don’t let her walk away without a fight. I’ve never seen you like this over a chick, which tells me...” he cocked an eyebrow, “she’s not just any chick.”
I considered his words—he’d nailed it. Sharn had been totally unexpected. I never saw her coming, but she’d wedged her way into my life in a way that I wasn’t sure she’d ever understand. Hell, I didn’t understand it. And I’d tossed her aside like garbage. Fuck. I wanted her. I wanted her around for the foreseeable future. Jumping up from the chair, I ran my hands down my sweats. “You’re right, I fucked up. I have to fix it.”
A smirk broke out over Zac’s face. The cocky bastard—he’d known all along that I was making a mistake. If only I’d listened.
~
I waited for the doctors to leave then made my way into Dad’s new room. He was propped up in bed, watching the highlights from the Mariners and Giants game the day before. “Hey, Dad.”
His eyes stayed fixated to the TV mounted on the wall. “Hi, son.”
Yeah, this wasn’t going to be awkward at all.
I took a seat next to his bed and stared at the screen. I didn’t expect for him to want to talk about things the first few days that he was lucid, but it had been eleven days—and he’d given me nothing. No explanation, no heart to heart, and no apology. But I was done.
“Dad.” I grabbed the remote and switched off the office. “It’s been eleven days; we need to talk.”
He slammed his eyes shut and rubbed a hand across his clenched jaw.
“Dad.”
He shook his head and turned to face away from me. He was pushing me to my boiling point and my right fist clenched.
“DAD!”
“I’m sorry. I can’t, not yet.” I barely heard him, and my fist slammed down on the arm of the chair. I had gotten the hell out of there, before I did something I’d regret.
As I rounded the corner of the hallway, one of Dad’s nurses spotted me. “Oh, hey, Keefer, how’s your dad doing today? I’m just about to check in on him.”
“Umm. Yeah, okay, I guess.”
“Is something wrong, dear?”
“Has anyone spoken to my father about what happened?”
“Why don’t we take a seat in my office?”
I followed the nurse into a small room. She motioned for me to sit in one of the plastic chairs. “Addiction is a very powerful disease, Keefer. It often takes hold of a person’s body and mind. When you father was brought in, he seized and stopped breathing. Medically, he died…”
I winced. I’d already pieced things together from the information that the doctors gave me when I had first arrived at the hospital, and then when I’d visited Mrs. Elms. But hearing it in plain English was difficult.
“We revived him and started him on detox. It’s not an easy process, honey. Withdrawal can be dangerous, but it’s vital that his body is cleansed. You have to realize that this is just the first step. Once he’s undergone detox, your father is going to need long-term rehab and ongoing medical care. He has cirrhosis of the liver.”
I felt like the wind had been knocked from my lungs. I knew it had been touch and go, but hearing her say it in black and white was a lot to swallow.
“What does that mean, long-term?”
“Well, there are several treatment options, but he may need a liver transplant.”
I clenched my fist, relaxed it, and clenched it again. Focusing on my breathing, I tried to maintain control.
“We need to take it day-by-day, week-by-week. It’s too early to know anything at this point.”
“Thank you for taking the time to explain everything…” I hesitated. But I needed to know. “He seems different. I mean, he wasn’t great before the-” The words lodged in my throat and I choked them down. “…before the incident. But now he seems worse. Is it withdrawal or do you think it’s because he didn’t die?”
She sighed and rubbed her hands together. “Withdrawal affects everyone differently. People can experience depression, anger, violent outbursts, even regret. It’s really hard to say what your father is feeling right now. But all you can do is be here for him. He needs you right now. Even if he isn’t showing it.”
~
Nothing improved with Dad over the weekend. I was so agitated; the only thing keeping me sane was the thought of seeing Sharn. I didn’t go to Big Joe’s again; Zac and Coach begged me to talk to them if things were too much. And Ethan had been by a couple more times. Things were strained between Dad and me, but for the first time in my life, I was opening up. Most of the time it was fucking uncomfortable, but it was helping.
It was the penultimate session with the boys, which meant it was the second to last time I’d have a reason to see Sharn. If she didn’t let me apologize by the end of the program, I could lose her. Fuck. That thought didn’t sit well with me.
“Son, are you going to sit here all day? Or are you going to go do what I pay you for?”
Startled, I jumped up and stood next to Coach. “Sorry, Coach. Got a lot on my mind.”
He patted my shoulder. “I know, son, I know. But baseball is a great distraction. So off you go.”
I slung the equipment bag over my shoulder and hoisted it into the truck.
“Yo, man. Wanted to catch you before you left. Don’t fuck things up again.” Zac shoulder checked me. “Go get her, tiger.”
I nodded and climbed into my truck.
The short ride to GHS wasn’t enough to think about what I was going to do or say. So far, all I knew I had to do was get Sharn’s attention and make her listen to me. It wasn’t exactly the best game plan, but it’d have to do. I was desperate to see her. This last week had been one of the longest in my life.
As I pulled up, some of the boys strolled over. “Yo, Coach.”
I climbed out. “Hi, guys. Grab the gear and let’s play us some ball.”
My eyes scanned for her. She was up in the bleachers—a sure sign that she wasn’t ready to talk. I didn’t let it deter me, though. I was going to make her listen to me. She had to hear me out.
“Should we get warmed up, Coach?” Jared called out across the diamond.
I nodded, and he and the others started their drills. They’d become a strong team and I was going to miss them, but hopefully, most of them would want to be involved in the summer program. And there was the reward in two weeks’ time. I still needed to discuss the details with Sharn—maybe that could be my ruse for getting her to talk to me.
“Keylon, can you come here for a second?”
He ran over, fists dropped at his sides. He was walking a little taller these last couple of weeks, but Sharn’s words still bothered me.
“Everything okay?”
“Yes, Coach.” Keylon nodded.
“Good. I want to talk to you about something next week and make sure you’ll be here. Now, go join the rest. And Keylon, show me what you got today, okay?”
He had real potential and I wanted to keep him on my radar. In a couple of years, scouts would be lining up for a player like him if he could keep his nose out of trouble.
My eyes wandered back to Sharn. She’d left her sunglasses off today, probably realizing she couldn’t get away with them, seeing as the sun hadn’t made an appearance all day. Her head snapped toward the boys, and I smiled—I’d caught her watching me. My insides flipped. She still cared.
I strolled over to the boys and dished out instructions. They all had a good grasp on the game play now, so I wanted to mix things up a little. “Right, I know you’ve played in your teams every week, but
today we’re going to do things a little differently.”
“Kenny, Jared, out here.” The boys moved to the front of the huddle and faced their peers.
“The rest of you, number up. We’re going old school, picking teams.”
They groaned and I laughed, and once the teams were decided, I did a coin toss to decide the batting team. It might have been overcast, but the air was thick and sticky. I yanked the hoodie over my head and dumped it next to the empty glove sack. My back was to Sharn, but I could feel her eyes on me. Well, if she was watching, I intended to give her a show.
“Keylon, I got this.”
He shrugged and dropped the ball. I strolled over to the pitcher’s mound and stretched out my arms. Just to be sure I’d gotten her full attention, I risked glancing to my right. Sure enough, her eyes were trained on me.
Jai stepped into the batter’s box and readied himself. I rolled the ball in my palm and flicked my wrist, sending the ball up into the air by about a foot. I caught it and repeated. I knew I was showing off, but I wanted her full attention. I needed to know if she still cared.
“Coach, come on, we know you got skills, just throw the damn ball,” one of the boys called out from the field.
I took my stance; knee drawn up and body rotated. My hand came up and I drew back my arm while my eyes remained honed in on Jai’s bat. I inhaled a deep breath. As I exhaled, my arm whipped through the air, and the ball flew out of my hand. It was perfect.
I played the rest of the game with the boys. It felt good to be on the field after the week I’d had. It was even better knowing Sharn was watching me.
“Bring it in, boys.” They gathered around me, dropping to the ground. “As you all know, next week is our last session.”
The chorus of boos sparked a sense of pride in me.
“Quiet down. I know, I know, you’re all going to miss me. Next week I have a little surprise for you. But you’ve got to keep up your hard work on and off the field. Right, gloves in the sack and leave your bats by the bag. Good job, I’ll see you next week.”
Sharn remained rooted on the bench. My heart picked up speed as I started moving in her direction. You can do this. You can do this. I’d been talking to people all week. Opening up and shit. But only Sharn mattered. I needed to do this. For her. For me. For us.
As I drew closer, she shifted uncomfortably. She looked so beautiful; with her curls tied at the base of her neck, and one of those top-dress things on over black leggings. It was tight over her tits, but loose around her stomach and thighs. She had to see what affect she had on me. She had to know that I still wanted her—that I needed her.
“Hi.”
Great opener, fucktard.
“Hey.” Her eyes dropped to the ground.
“Listen, I just wanted to-”
“Keefer, stop. I am the one who should apologize. I had no idea what you were going through. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I feel just awful about the way I jumped down your throat. I understand. Of course, I understand that you have more important things to think about, right now…”
Fuck. She knew. How in the fuck did she know?
She rose from the bench to face me. Her neck craned up to meet my eyes. I wanted to kiss the sadness right out of them. “I really am sorry. I’ll see you next week.” She smiled weakly, as she brushed past me and hurried down the steps, and I watched her cross the field and turn the corner. She was gone. And I just stood their mouth hanging wide open. Way-to-fucking-go, douchebag.
~
As I toweled myself off, my phone vibrated.
“So, man, what happened?” Zac’s voice boomed down the line.
“She knows.”
“What do you mean, she knows?”
“I don’t know how, but she does. I saw it in her eyes. I went over to apologize to her, and she ended up fucking apologizing to me and then running out on me, again.” I slammed the drawer shut and slumped onto the bed.
“How can she know? Hardly anyone knows.”
“I don’t know, man, but I’m telling you that she does.”
“That’s- shit, man, I’m sorry.”
“Yeah. So I didn’t get to apologize or explain my fucked-up family.”
“Dude, lay off. Your family is not fucked-up. It’s just colorful.”
I huffed. “Whatever you say.”
“Ohhh, shit!” Zac gasped.
“What? You’d better tell me, I know that tone, you know something.”
“Fuck. I swear man, I’ve only just realized.”
My anger started to prickle. “Zac…”
“Aubrey.”
“What about her?”
“Her older sister works at Shands ER.”
“So…” I didn’t know where he was going with this.
“So, think about it. I was there with you. She’s been harassing me ever since I called time on us. Felicity probably dropped it out to her, and Aubrey had her find out the gossip.”
“Dude, did you seriously just say gossip?”
“More important things, right now. Like how did Sharn hear it from Aubrey?”
“FUCK.” I slammed my fist onto the bed.
“Calm it, bro. The main thing is Sharn’s talking to you again, which means you can fix things.”
“I’m not sure I can. I saw it in her face. She’s let me go.”
“Then you need a plan B.”
I dragged a hand down my face. “No, I need a fucking miracle.”
Chapter 21
~ Sharn ~
I'd almost thrown myself at him; jumped into his arms and held him tight. I really hadn’t known what I was going to say to him until he reached me and an apology came pouring out of my mouth. And then I'd walked away. It felt more like I was tearing myself away, but I had to. The moment that I slammed the car door shut was the moment that the tears exploded from my eyes.
Keefer knew that I knew. I saw it in his eyes; the confusion and shock. I didn't know what he'd been about to say to me—probably an apology of his own—but it didn’t matter anymore. He didn't want to let me in, perhaps with good reason, and I had to let him go.
My heart hurt. No, it shattered. There was only one week of the program left plus the surprise he had planned for the boys. Then he'd walk out of my life for good. Sure, there was a chance we'd cross paths, but there was also a chance that we wouldn't.
Dad’s Jeep was in the drive when I pulled up. Things had been strained since the last incident with Mom.
“Sharn, I'm in the den. Can you come here, sweetie?” Dad called as I closed the door behind me.
“Be right there,” I said, checking my face in the hallway mirror. I didn't want him to notice my mascara-streaked eyes. I scrubbed my cheeks with the back of my sleeve I made my way into him.
“Hey, what's up?”
He looked different. Lighter. The usual deep cut lines around his eyes appeared smoother. “Good news. We have a buyer. I know it's quick, but this is a good thing.”
I couldn't help the frown puckering across my face and Dad grimaced. “This is our fresh start.”
“I know.” I pulled at my jacket; something, anything, to stop me from looking at him. “So, what next?”
“Well, it won't happen overnight. But we need to find somewhere suitable.”
I continued to fiddle with the zipper.
“There's something else...your mother has filed for divorce.”
My heart sank at his words. “Right, I'll be in my room under a pile of grading. Night, Dad.”
I left the room as he muttered something about getting a little support from me. Sure, my behavior was a little childish but my brain was fried. First, Keefer and now, this.
After grading ninth-grade English for over an hour, there was a knock at my door. “Sweetie, it's me. Can I come in?”
I spun around in the wheeled desk chair and called, “Sure, Dad.”
He pushed open the door tentatively and came in. His crow lines were a little deeper, and he looked somber-fa
ced. “We need to talk.”
I met his eyes—full of melancholy—and smiled weakly. “I know.”
He dropped onto the bed and rubbed his jaw. “I'm going to agree to your mother's terms.” His head dropped and he sighed.
“What? Why would you do that? You've done nothing wrong, Dad. She's the one who’s at fault here.” It came out rushed and fraught.
“Sweetie, calm down. Your mother and I have been together since high school. That's not something that you can just walk away from, not for me. She's still my wife, and I'll treat her as such until I sign on the dotted line.”
I huffed. “Well, you're a better person than me, Dad. Because that woman doesn't deserve another penny from you.”
Obviously, I knew she was entitled to her share; after all, they’d been married for years. But I couldn’t stand the thought of her walking away with more than she deserved.
Dad regarded my words and sighed again. The silence hung in the air like a bad smell, lingering. “It wasn't always like this. Even when you and Russ were small, we were in love. Sure, she wasn't the most maternal woman, but she had a good heart.”
I sneered at his words. Mom had shown Russ and me everything but a good heart growing up. “Why, Dad? Why did you put up with her shit all these years?”
He met my eyes—searching them for answers—and smiled. “Sharn, when you meet someone and feel that spark, that connection, you'll do anything to make it work. It's rare and sometimes it's hard work, sometimes you question if it's even worth it, but you keep fighting for it. I loved your mother from the first day I saw her...” His voice trailed off, as if he'd been transported back into the memory. “It was senior year and she was in the popular crowd. Just like you.”
I bristled at his words. I wasn't anything like Mom!
“I didn't think she'd look twice at someone like me, but there was a party and out of all the guys who she could've asked to dance with her, she picked me. She said it was my eyes and my colorful tie.” His smile grew wistful. “Your mother always did know what she wanted.” Dad laughed to himself—even now, he still loved her. I could see it in his eyes. “We became inseparable. We fell in love fast, talked about the future. We made each other so happy.”