Outside The Ropes

by Ashley Claudy

  I sipped the hot drink, feeling my insides melt a bit, and sat. It felt good to sit, to let my tense muscles relax.

  “Are you alright?” he pushed my hair back on my shoulder with one finger.

  I cringed and reluctantly met his gaze. “I’m fine.”

  “I have a friend who has panic attacks. I’ve seen it before. Do you get them often? Is it because of the attack?”

  I set my mug down, parting with the warmth in my hands, and then turned to face him. “No questions, remember?”

  He nodded. “I just thought you might need tonight to be a safe night.”

  His words made me want to cry all over again. But I knew he couldn’t deliver that, it wasn’t possible. I didn’t want to talk anymore; I didn’t want to feel anymore. I wanted it all to go away. And he could help with that.

  I shook my head and inched towards him till our lips met.

  He didn’t resist. Instead, his arms wrapped around me, pulling me into him. I straddled him, as I had in the car that day, and tried to focus only on where our bodies touched and the warmth coming from him.

  He pulled away from me. “Let’s take this to the bedroom.”

  I stood and he led me down a hallway to the last door. He lay back on the bed, pulling me on top of him. I lifted my work shirt off, keeping my tank top on underneath, and then lifted his shirt off. Our jeans ground against each other.

  He sat up, trailing his lips down my neck and shoulders, pushing my tank down until my boobs spilled out. I moved his hands away, keeping him from sliding the top any lower. That was off limits.

  I stood up and slid my pants off as he did the same, pulling off his boxers, too. He reached into his night stand and pulled out a condom, tearing the corner of the pack with his teeth, a wide grin spreading on his pretty face.

  His eyes traveled over me. “Damn, you're sexy.” He hooked one arm around my waist and pulled me back to him.

  He was as eager as I was to get to it. His hands slid my panties down and then rolled the condom onto the length of him.

  I rode him with mounting frustration, never finding the escape I sought. The tightness around my heart eased slightly, but not enough. Closing my eyes, I focused on the physical only, trying to give my mind a moment off, but it never worked.

  He found his escape, shuddering and convulsing under me, and I relaxed my body on top of his. I had exerted energy and had some fun. But now I only felt empty, and not the emptiness I had been seeking.

  I rolled off of him. “Do you mind if I shower?”

  He pulled me back into his arms and kissed my neck. “Go ahead. You can use the one in there, towels are hanging up.” He nodded to the door straight ahead and released me.

  I showered, taking time to let the warm water massage my aching muscles. Anthony called out that he was leaving clothes for me outside the door.

  I changed into the large shirt and shorts that I had to roll several times to make fit. Running a brush through my wet hair, I returned to his room. He was lounged on the bed, fresh from his own shower.

  He patted the spot beside him. “Come over here. We can watch a movie if you want or just go to bed. I’m assuming I don’t have to drive you back tonight, right?”

  I shook my head and joined him tentatively.

  He hooked his arm around me and pulled me closer to him on the bed, laying us back to watch a movie I couldn’t focus on. This didn’t feel right. Cuddling. It felt too personal and not what we were supposed to be about.

  I pulled away. “I need to go to bed. Can I sleep on the couch?”

  His face pinched with confusion, but he didn’t voice it. “You’re welcome to my bed with me, but if you’d prefer I have a guest bed you can use.”

  I nodded and stood, following him through the hallway to a smaller bedroom. He left me there with an awkward hug and I settled into bed. Sleep didn’t come easy; when I did sleep, it was only in short bursts.

  When the first traces of daylight broke into the room, I folded the borrowed clothes on the bed I made and left before Anthony awoke. Walking to the metro station, I organized my day; I had things I needed to do. First thing was to talk to Silas about when I could fight again; I needed the extra money more than ever.

  ***

  I could hear them talking, gage and Silas, as I walked towards the office. I didn’t think anything of it until I heard my name. Curiosity won and I paused to listen, not wanting to interrupt the conversation.

  “Regan told me she wanted another fight,” Silas explained.

  I had, yesterday, when Silas asked if I wanted to continue boxing.

  “What does she know? She’s not ready, not for that fight. Find someone else.” Gage’s voice was ruff with disapproval.

  I tensed as anger began to simmer in my gut. He had no right to speak for me, to cancel a fight and keep money from my pockets.

  “C’mon, if you would’ve seen her, you would know. She can handle it. She can take punches. She can--”

  “I didn’t see,” his angry voice cut off Silas’s and a hollow thump followed.

  “Exactly. I did and I think this is a good arrangement.” Silas wasn’t backing down.

  “For you or for her?”

  I couldn’t take it anymore. I walked around the corner of his office and stood in the open doorway. “Silas? Dexter told me you wanted to speak with me.”

  Gage and Silas were standing on either side of his desk; they both turned their heads to look at me when I interrupted. Silas’s face broke into a smile; Gage’s didn’t.

  “Speak of the devil; we were just discussing your next fight. It seems Gage and I disagree on this matter.”

  I looked between Silas’s smiling face and Gage's hard one. He hadn’t budged. “It seems like it should be my decision.”

  Silas’s smile widened and he laughed. “I think you’re right.” He extended his arm to the chair opposite him. “Let’s talk.”

  I took the seat next to Gage, but he continued to stand, his gaze sliding between Silas and me. He radiated anger, but I wasn’t going to let him intimidate me today. I was still numb over all that happened yesterday. I had reached my limit, and I wasn’t about to let Gage take this away from me.

  Silas sat and began, “You could fight again next month, against another boxer starting her career for the same money you made before. Or, you could fight in two weeks, against an established fighter for triple the money if you win.”

  “Could I do both?” I asked.

  Silas laughed and rubbed his chin, appraising me. “That’s what I’m talking about. You’re eager, I like that. Hell, I can have you fighting almost every week if you want.”

  Gage’s eyes narrowed, drilling into me. I didn’t like the way he was looking down on me from where he stood.

  “Do you want a career? Are you serious about boxing? Or do you just want money? Because if it’s the money, then go do something else. Female boxers don’t make that much.”

  I sat back, trying to curb the anger building in me. Who did he think he was? “I want the career and the money. I like boxing, but I won’t do it for free, and I’m sure you wouldn’t either.”

  “Gage, she’s made up her mind. You should get back to your training; you have a month till A.C.”

  His jaw flexed, but his glare was focused on Silas as he stalked out of the room.

  Silas continued, unfazed by his departure. “You will need to commit to training these next two weeks and clean up your diet to be at your best. But don’t lose weight; you want to stay in your weight class. We have a lot of ground to cover in a short amount of time, so let’s get to it.”

  What I had been trying to achieve with Anthony, I found in the bag. I gave it all I had and completely spent my energy. After an hour of punching, blocking, and jump roping, I was drained and my muscles exhausted. I hadn’t had much sleep the past two days and it was catching up with me, affecting my stamina, but releasing my anger and frustration felt good. It was the therapy I needed.

 
With a sheen of sweat covering every inch of me, I sat to rest and drink water. I relaxed back in the chair, closing my eyes, and enjoyed the liquid feel of my muscles, a sure sign that I was working hard and getting stronger.

  Silas had been pleased with my workout today, and Dexter had popped in between his sets to give his energetic encouragement.

  “You done for the day?”

  I opened my eyes, but didn’t move as Dexter sat next to me.

  “I’m taking ten, then going to decide if I can do more. Right now, I think I have to be done.”

  I turned towards him to get a full view. He was shirtless and shiny with sweat, but as high energy as ever. It was evident even in the way he sat, perched on the edge, like he would pop up any moment.

  “What about you? You working out more today?” I cocked my head, curious about his boxing status. “Do you have any fights?”

  “My next fight isn’t for six weeks. So I have time to help you, isn’t that great?” His smile was big and genuine, and I was helpless to do anything but return it.

  “Okay, so what do you know about this Dreya Welch I’m going to fight?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know really. I’ve heard of her, she’s good and she’s aggressive, but I’ve never studied her. We’ll have to do that tomorrow. I have to take Leona out today, for Valentine’s Day. You got plans?”

  I leaned forward, resting my arms on my knees. I had forgotten that today was Valentine’s Day, and my mind flashed to Anthony. I quickly punched down that wayward thought. I definitely would not see him today.

  I shook my head. “I don’t have any Valentine’s plans, but I do have stuff that needs to get done.” I was going to check in to a motel somewhere and start looking for apartments. I didn’t have enough money for them, I knew, but I could find out what I needed.

  He nodded. “Yeah, like buying your own gear. You should take your money from the fight and invest it in yourself.”

  This conversation was bringing back my frustration. It slid to anger as I caught Gage watching us from the weight bench, still dark with disapproval. Maybe I would work out a little longer. I stood up, stretching.

  When it was evident Gage was walking to us, I stiffened, prepared for a confrontation.

  Dexter stood up, facing his brother. “I have to meet up with Leona at eleven, are you going to be ready soon?”

  He nodded, but never took his eyes from me. His path stopped directly in front of me, and he crossed his arms, showing off his biceps.

  “So you think you’re ready to fight Dreya? Did you even pause to learn anything about her?”

  I was done with his disapproving tone and judgment. “Silas thinks I’m ready, and he’s my manager, not you.”

  “Rea,” Dexter’s voice was soft, “He's only trying to help.”

  I turned on him, amazed that he didn’t see what a jerk Gage was being. “Help? He doesn’t want me to fight, how does that help? He hasn’t even seen me fight, but he thinks he knows what I’m ready for. He doesn’t.”

  Gage took a step towards me, so he had down on me to meet my eyes. “You haven't even been here a week and you think you know everything. This isn’t a joke; you don’t just decide one night to be a boxer. It takes perseverance and commitment. You have to want it. You have to live it. The girl you’re fighting does, and that makes her better than you.”

  It felt like a slap to the face, and I was tired of his assumptions. He didn’t know me, and I wasn’t going to let him bully me. What did that rich boy know about me and my struggles and how much I needed this? I resisted the urge to step back, out of his electric field.

  “I may not have known to want this last week, but now that I’ve tasted it, I do. And it’s more than wanting. I need this. It’s all I’ve got, and I won’t let you take it from me. So if you’re not going to help me, then at least stay out of my way.” I brushed off Dexter’s hand as he tried to pat my back.

  Gage’s full lips tugged up on one side, but it didn’t make him look any less fierce. If anything, it made ice run through my veins.

  He lifted his chin. “Okay, I’ll help. Gear up, I’ll show you some things in the ring.”

  Dexter looked between the two of us. “Are you sure? I thought we were going to leave soon.”

  Gage started walking to the ring. “We will, but I have time for one lesson. She’s got less than two weeks till her fight.”

  I had to unglue my feet, the switch in conversation made me dizzy. I wasn’t sure what was about to happen, and I wasn’t convinced his motive was to help.

  Dexter shrugged at me and walked after his brother.

  Once I had gloves and headgear on, I stood in the ring. Nerves tightened my exhausted muscles some, but not enough.

  Gage stood nearby, arms loose at his side. He wore gloves, but no headgear. He didn’t appear angry anymore, his face was relaxed, almost bored. The dark lines of his tattoos wrapped around his right arm, and the ones on his torso peeked through the cut off sleeve of his white t-shirt.

  “You’ve been practicing punches on the bag, but defense is important. This girl charges, and a good block is key. You’re going to want to time your own counter punches, but never leave yourself open. Let me see your stance.”

  I held my arms up in the way Silas showed me.

  He nodded and stepped forward, placing his gloved hands on my back and stomach, twisting me. “Always keep your side to your opponent.” He adjusted my shoulder. “And raise your shoulder up. Use it to help block your face.”

  My breathing was shallow. I tried to concentrate on his instructions, but the static was back, his gentle touches and soft voice were unexpected. I could smell his sweat, a clean musk, almost feel it evaporating in the heat between us.

  He stepped back, and I cleared my thoughts. I needed to focus.

  “Okay, you ready?”

  At my nod, he jabbed. I twisted too late, my reactions too slow to block the punch. He didn’t hit hard, but it jarred me, and I became more alert.

  He jabbed a couple more times, landing each one. He was too fast, and every time I tried to block, he found a new open spot to attack. I wasn’t giving up though and began moving around the ring, using the space to evade some of his jabs.

  He wasn’t putting much effort into this, I could tell, and he laughed as I circled him.

  “You’re going to tire yourself out before you even throw a punch.” He jabbed again, lightly hitting my stomach.

  I tried to strike him, but he deflected it.

  We continued this way for a while, my frustration mounting. It was like a cat and mouse game. He was the cat and had me under his paw, batting and toying with me, never giving me a chance.

  When he hit my face again and laughed, I erupted. “What? What am I supposed to do? You’re better than me, we both know that. So what’s the point of this?”

  I pulled my gloves from my hands and undid my helmet. “I’m done with this. I’m glad you got to get a good laugh.”

  He watched me with that slight, cool smile on his lips, the one that sends ice through me.

  “So you’re giving up? I knew you didn’t want this. It’s like I said, you’re not serious.”

  I rounded on him. “I am serious, but this wasn’t helping me. You were just trying to embarrass me, and it worked. I know I’m not great, but I’m trying. And I want this more than you can imagine. You may have been at this longer, but I can guarantee you I want this just as much, if not more, than you.”

  “Then why are you taking the fast track to ending your career? A loss stays on your record and it’s hard to recover from. Check out anyone who made it and you’ll see the loss column is zero, sometimes one, but never two. And you’re setting yourself up to lose.”

  His words made me pause. I hadn’t known this, or even thought about it. I had thought win or lose it was an opportunity to learn and make money. But I wasn’t prepared to admit he was right, not with his smug attitude.

  “I don’t intend on losing. I have
a lot to learn, but you weren’t trying to make me better, to teach me. You just wanted to put me in my place. I don’t want or need help from someone who doesn’t believe in me.”

  I climbed out of the ring, not waiting for his response. I didn’t have time for this. And I was afraid of what would come out of my mouth next because I knew he was right, and I was possibly making a big mistake.

  ***

  I escaped to the locker room, relieved to be away from Gage’s disapproval. I don’t know why it bothered me so much, but it did, and that only made me angrier.

  Needing time to cool off, I sat on the bench with lockers surrounding me and took deep breaths. I reminded myself that Silas approved; he thought I did good and believed I could win. And he had seen me fight. A fight I won. In the first round. With a knockout.

  But all the positive self-talk in the world couldn’t wipe away his words, “she’s better than you” and “you’re going to lose.”

  “You were in the ring with Gage Lawson, right?” a voice broke through my thoughts.

  I side glanced at the pretty girl standing next to me. She had her long white hair pulled up in a ponytail and wore the tiniest workout outfit possible for a public place.

  I nodded, not wanting to talk about it. The fact that the gym was full of people only added salt to the wound; that anyone had seen how weak he made me look reinforced my anger.

  Her eyes widened as she sat next to me, gripping the edge of the bench with her hands. “How? I haven’t seen you around here before. I come every week and he’s never spoken to me. How did you get him in the ring with you? Is he a trainer now? Where do I sign up?”

  I rubbed my temples, trying to ease my headache. “Believe me, you’re not missing out. He was being a jerk, trying to make me give up.” I stood up, cutting off my self-pity; it was time to move on with the day.

  She stood up too and begged with her big blue eyes. “My name's Becka. Could you introduce me? I’d love to just meet him. I’ve tried to introduce myself but he’s always so focused when he’s working out. Please.”

  The headache was back. “I’m going to get a shower.”