Outside The Ropes

by Ashley Claudy

  He jerked me once and his grip tightened. “Tell me, now.” His whispered fury turned me cold.

  “Nothing that you need to worry about.” I could do angry too. I tried to jerk out of his hold, but he didn’t budge.

  I met his icy glare. “Let me go or I’ll yell. I’ll scream. And then see what happens.” We may be alone now, in a side alcove outside the SICU, but a scream would surely gain attention in a hospital.

  He slid one hand over my shoulder, firmly. His fingers curled around the back of my neck and his thumb pressed to my lips, but not with care. He tilted my head back to look at him. “Don’t threaten me. Not after all I’ve done for you.” His other hand moved up, cupping the other side of my head in the same way. “And don’t fucking lie to me. What did you tell him?”

  His hold wasn’t painful, but the warning was there. He was larger than me and had me in a vulnerable position. I had to choose my next move wisely. And I hated him for the fear he caused.

  “I only talked to him about Nan. Nothing Else.” I steadied my voice, “Now let me go.”

  He shook his head, never taking his eyes from me, assessing my honesty. “Why? Why did you go to him?”

  “Because you weren’t around.” I threw at him as I tried to push him away from me again, my anger rising. “And I needed his advice. I trust him.” And that was the truth. Anthony had always been honest with me.

  My words caused Gage to flinch, more than any of my ineffective attempts to push away had.

  He sneered. “You think I wanted to leave you alone? I’m trying my best to keep you safe. And you turn to him.” He dropped his arms and took a step back, freeing me. “Un-fucking-believable. You’re supposed to still be in New York, you shouldn’t be here. Why won’t you listen to me?”

  “I didn’t ask you to do anything, especially if it means keeping me in the dark. I don’t just blindly follow people who think they know best. I make my own decisions. And I’m here for Nan.” I walked past him, going for the doors.

  He grabbed my hand and pulled me back. “We need to leave. We can’t stay here. I have my fight tomorrow and need to be in New York.”

  I ripped my hand away. “Then go. I’m staying.”

  He grabbed the fabric of my coat, pulling me to him again. “Listen to me. This isn’t—”

  “No! You listen to me. I’m not leaving her. And I’m not following you anywhere. You go do what you need to do. And I’ll do my own thing. Now get your hands off of me.” I was all anger, my body rigid and venom in my words.

  He let go of me, his hands curled by his side. “You don’t know what you’re doing.”

  I walked backwards, towards the double doors leading to Nan. “Maybe I don’t, but that’s only because you won’t tell me anything. And I’m not going with you just to get left again. Fuck you and your version of caring.” I spun on my toes and pushed through the doors, letting them close between us.

  James’ was still in the chair by Nan, his head resting on the edge of the bed as he held her hand. He sat back in his seat as I came in.

  “Some guy was just here asking for you,” he said emotionless.

  I nodded, guessing Gage must’ve come to this room.

  “I can’t believe no one else showed up for Nan. All the people that stay at our place, and yet it’s only me and you.”

  I sat in the same chair as earlier, taking up my spot on the other side of the bed. I put her hand in mine and willed her to fight.

  James laid his head back down on his sister and fell asleep, or at least appeared to be asleep. I just sat, desolate, only moving for the nurses that came in shifting Nan, changing her dressings, and whatever other things they had to do.

  A while later, Nan’s Grandmother and mother showed up together.

  Nan’s mother walked in silently, standing next to James who didn’t even acknowledge her, besides sitting up in his chair. She was thin, like James and Nan, except her face was sunken, more skeleton like. She had the same thin brown hair as her kids, pulled back in a ponytail.

  “Oh no. Oh no.” The grandmother came in moaning. She was tall like James, but round. “Please lord, save our baby.” She walked to the head of the bed and pressed her forehead to Nan’s and murmured too low for me to hear.

  A doctor materialized in the room, as if summoned by the family presence, or Gram’s prayers.

  I looked out the window at the early night sky, just a touch of dark sunlight left, as the doctor answered their questions and caught them up with the information I already knew. But I kept my ears open, tuned in for any new bits.

  “I will give you a few more minutes with her and then we are going to try to take her off the respirator, see how her lungs respond.”

  I stood to leave, wanting to give them a moment alone with Nan. I had said everything I needed to her today. I only hoped they would use this time with her to say what they never said when she was growing up.

  Squeezing her hand, I kissed her cheek and whispered, “I love you.” I held back the tears just behind my eyes. “I’ll be back soon.”

  “Where are you going?” James asked, sitting up.

  “I’ll be in the waiting room. I wanted to give you guy’s time together.”

  Gram’s nodded with a small smile, hands smoothing Nan’s hair.

  “No. You should stay. You’re more family than these people.” He gestured to the two around Nan, causing everyone to freeze.

  I continued walking to the door. “James, it’s okay. I’ll see her in a bit, once the doctors are done.” I exited before he could say more.

  I walked into the waiting room and took the first seat, pressing my fingers to my eyes forcing the emotions to stay in.

  I felt the air shift as a presence filled the seat next to me, at the same time an arm slipped around my shoulders, pulling me closer.

  I didn’t have to look up to know it was Gage.

  He circled his other arm around me as he pulled me in closer, his comforting warmth and scent filling my senses and weakening my hold on my emotions.

  I sucked in air, but couldn’t find the strength to push away. “What are you still doing here?”

  He rubbed soft circles on my back. “I’m here for you. Everything else can wait. I’m sorry.”

  I looked up at him, confused, with anger pricking at me. “No it can’t wait. You have a fight tomorrow. An important one.”

  He nodded and sighed, meeting my gaze with a soft look. “It can wait for tonight. I’ll have to leave tomorrow. But don’t worry about it for now. What’s going on with your friend?” He pulled me back into him and tucked my head under his.

  I was drained from everything. I couldn’t find it in me to fight with him or to pull myself away, as much as I knew I should. “They are going to try to get her to breathe on her own in a little while. Her mom just showed up though so I came out here to wait. Have you been here the whole time?” It had been hours since our fight earlier.

  His hand stroked my hair. “Yeah. Have you eaten? Can I get you food?”

  I held on to him tighter. “Not right now.” I had been so worried about him this week, and our meeting earlier hadn’t left any room for relief. I wanted a break from the misery, and his arms offered that, eased it slightly, just enough to breathe.

  James, his mom, and Gram’s came into the waiting room moments later. I sat up and pulled away from Gage, but kept my hand clasped with his. We all waited in silence for the doctors. But at least I wasn’t alone.

  30: Still Standing

  SOMEONE CAME OUT IN SCRUBS. DOCTOR? NURSE? I don’t know. But they had little stars and moons with smiley faces on them. Not appropriate for the news they were delivering.

  She had her hair back in two French braids. I don’t know why I was noticing that, except they were crooked and messy. So when she said Nan had to go into surgery again, all I could think was this messy haired whatever she was better not be in there too. Simply for the reason that if you couldn’t do your own hair, how could you repair s
omeone’s lungs.

  “The stress of breathing caused internal bleeding. We have to go back in and find the source. We will keep you updated.” She gave a nod and quickly turned to leave.

  I gripped Gage’s hand tighter. I had stayed seated when she walked in, but James and Grams were standing. Nan’s mom stayed seated too. She reached out now for James but he walked around her and sat in a corner, looking out the window, hands flexing, face still. But the look in his eyes told me he was plotting, anger simmering just behind them.

  He popped up, hands going to his pockets and walked over to me. “You got a smoke I can get?” At my head shake, he continued. “Shit, that’s right you don’t smoke. What about you?” He nodded to Gage.

  His mom stood up reaching into her purse. “I got one, Hun. Just about to go out myself.” She extended a cigarette to James.

  He paused, raising his eyes to the ceiling, and then whipped around and snatched it from her. He walked out without waiting for her but she trailed behind, unfazed.

  “It’s probably going to be awhile. Let’s go get something to eat.” Gage shook my hand slightly.

  I stared at him. I wasn’t hungry, couldn’t eat if I tried. I wasn’t even sure I could walk right now.

  “Or at least a tea or something for you to drink. I saw a cart on the first floor. Come on.”

  Before I responded he was standing, pulling me into standing too. I was disconnected, weightless, bodiless, and soulless. I only wished I could be thoughtless. I let him lead me out the doors to the elevator. The car was semi full, but he pulled me to stand in front of him, large, warm hands resting on my shoulders.

  He led me to a couch facing the window and went to the nearby coffee cart to order. Moments later he returned with two red cups and a bag.

  “They didn’t have much for food, but we can go to the cafeteria if you want.” He handed me my cup and sat next to me.

  I pulled out of my trance slightly, taking the cup, feeling the almost burning heat beneath the sleeve on it. I took a sip to scald away the dry, cotton feeling in my mouth and then went back to looking out the window.

  It was full on night, but no stars could be seen and the buildings blocked the moon from view. And I suddenly wanted to cry, a panic rising in me. How was I supposed to make a wish with no stars?

  Gage set down his drink. Bringing his hand to my face, he used his thumb to gently wipe away a stray tear.

  I pulled away before he could cause more to spill over. His touch only made me that much weaker. Taking a breath, I calmed myself. It was stupid to cry over the stars, I hadn’t wished on one in years. And those wishes never came true.

  “Nan and I use to wish on stars.” The words were out before I even thought about them.

  He was leaning forward, forearms braced on his knees, watching me with a turned head. But he didn’t say anything. He didn’t laugh though, and that prompted me to go on.

  “Silly things, you know? We were young.” I wanted to talk about her. Not what she had done recently, not the trouble we were all in. But the girl that she was, is, the real Nan. The one that took me in and befriended me. “We’d wish to have money. Go live at the beach. To be there for each other. Forever. It was never about boys or family. Never put much weight in those.”

  His lip pulled at the corner with a slight smile. “How old were you two?”

  “I met her my freshmen year of high school. She was a junior. Neither of us went to classes much, but the difference was she still passed. She’s smart. God she’s smart.” I closed my eyes as the reality of the present came back to me. How did my smart friend end up here? I shook it away. “But she was tough too. And for some reason she would stick up for me even when she didn’t know me. My first week I somehow made enemies with the wrong crowd, a popular crowd, a large one.”

  I had to look away from him as his smile dropped. But I didn’t want to stop talking. I wanted to invoke the strong, smart girl back. “I couldn’t seem to breathe without pissing one of them off. Everywhere I turned someone was saying something, taking something, or challenging me in some other way. So I finally had enough and fought back, just happened to be lousy timing. It was in the hallway and the girl I fought had lots of her friends around. But Nan jumped in to help me.” I looked back to him and my smile felt foreign. “It wasn’t till we were waiting for the principal that we even exchanged names.”

  “How’d the fight end?”

  “It got broken up before any real damage, but Nan and I, we were still standing. And those girls didn’t bother me, not to my face anyway, until after Nan graduated.” Once Nan graduated, shit went down fast, but that wasn’t the story I was telling right now. “Everyone left Nan alone; I think because of her brothers friends. I guess they were her friends too. He was already locked up when I met her or maybe I would have stayed away too.” That wasn’t true. I was attracted to the street in her. She was a survivor, and I wanted to be one, so I stuck around.

  “My first job was at the grocery store with her. She used to steal the candy and go to school and sell it. Said they didn’t pay her enough, so she supplemented.” My laugh bubbled up with tears and I turned away again.

  “It’s alright to cry.” Gage slid an arm around me, pressing me to his chest.

  I couldn’t hold in the tears that had already begun to fall, but I wanted to. Before I knew it my body was shaking with sobs that I couldn’t stop, so I tried to cover them in Gage’s shirt. I felt too tiny and too weak in his arms. Nan needed me to be stronger than this. With that thought I pulled myself up, wiping away my tears with my hand. I reached for a napkin that sat with our untouched food and blotted my face. Gage loosened his hold enough that I could move around, but didn’t remove his arm from me.

  I looked up at the clock on the wall. It was 11:30. “You should go home. Get some sleep. You have a big day tomorrow.”

  “Are you coming with me?” his fingers were soft in my hair, tickling and soothing.

  I didn’t know if he was referring to New York or home. “I want to see how surgery goes first. Then maybe.”

  He nodded and kissed my forehead sweetly. “I’m staying too.”

  It was about two hours later that a different doctor came out to the waiting room to update us. This one looked like he had much more authority than the girl before and I suddenly wanted her back.

  I stayed seated, letting Nan’s real family do the talking. Not that I could have said anything anyways. The moment he walked in and his eyes dropped to the floor, my heart did too.

  Then he shook his head and said, “I’m sorry, but she didn’t make it through surgery…” and I stopped listening.

  31: Sinking

  I CLOSED MY EYES AND STOPPED TIME. I stopped thinking, moving, and if I could of I would have stopped myself from breathing. I wanted to delay the next moment. I wanted to delay being in a world where there was no Nan.

  But I couldn’t. I had to breathe and with that breath came reality. I was still alive, and I held blame for Nan not being here. I hadn’t fought for her, only myself. I had left her with Damien.

  I silently listened to the conversations around me; a deep, painful chill engulfing me. They weren’t going to have a funeral. Why were they already talking about that? The grandmother told the doctor that the hospital could cremate her since they couldn’t afford anything else. Even the doctor was telling them they could take a moment to think it over; they could go back and see her.

  I stood up, chest tightening. I had to leave. I couldn’t handle this or them or seeing Nan. I pushed away from Gage and whatever he was saying as James walked over to me.

  “You leaving?” he asked, pulling his hood up over his head, shading his eyes.

  My jaw felt tight, it wouldn’t move, so I nodded.

  James took a step back, meeting me with his hollow eyes. “I’ll call you.” He nodded, and I knew he meant what he said earlier, he wanted to kill Damien.

  Gage was pulling me away. “No you won’t. You don’t need to c
all her.”

  I ripped my hand from his and stepped back to James, speaking quickly. “You call me. Anything about Nan, you call me. Understand?” I stood there, determined, until James slowly nodded.

  “Bet. You’ll get a call,” he promised and I knew he meant it. I just hoped he could deliver.

  Then Gage was pulling me out of the room. The elevators were empty this time, and he turned to me the minute the doors closed.

  “What are you thinking?” His voice was low with concern.

  I took a step back and closed my eyes, leaning against the wall of the car, running my hand through my hair. “I’m not. I’m not thinking.”

  I opened my eyes as the elevator doors opened to the first floor and Gage was in front of me, blocking everything from sight. And when his arms circled around me I stepped into them, wanting to hide from reality.

  “I’m sorry about your friend. I’m sorry.” His voice reached my ear, low and gravely as it echoed in his chest.

  I pushed away. I didn’t want to hear that. I should be the one apologizing to her. I didn’t deserve any.

  ***

  “Where are we going?” I lifted my head from the cool glass of the passenger side window as Gage passed the turn that would take us to his community.

  “To New York. I’ve got that fight tonight.” He kept his eyes on the road.

  I looked at the clock on the dash; it was nearly three am. I guess the fight was tonight, and I didn’t realize my stomach could sink any further then it had, but my body continued to surprise me.

  “Shouldn’t you sleep first or something?” I asked, trying to focus on him and not Nan.

  He reached over to me, his fingers gliding through my hair. “I’ll sleep when we get there. You go ahead and rest now.”

  This felt like déjà vu, like the last time we made this trip and he disappeared. And I was back to sinking. Head underwater.

  I dug for the courage to face this new reality. “What’s going to happen?”

  His eyes glided to me briefly before returning to the highway. “I’ll fight tonight. I’ll win. And then we’ll try to move on from this. Together.”