Reclaiming the Sand

by A. Meredith Walters

  I dialed the familiar number and held my ringing phone to my ear. I wondered whether Dania would bother to answer it when she saw my number.

  I was surprised when she picked up after the fourth ring.

  “What do you want?” she snarled into the phone. She sounded rough and I recognized the sound of her hangover voice. She was obviously coming down from a bender.

  “I want to talk to you. I don’t like leaving things like this.” I said.

  “Why? You’ve got better things to do now that you’re fucking the freak. Why don’t you go off and have your little freak babies and leave the rest of us to our loser lives,” she bit out.

  I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle her.

  “You know what, fine. I just thought that our friendship was worth more than that. But clearly, I’m the only one that feels that way,” I snapped.

  “That’s so like you, Ellie. Always putting it on everyone else. Of course it’s my fault! Everything is always my fault!” Dania’s voice rose the more upset she became.

  I took a deep breath in through my nose and out through my mouth. Who thought those stupid breathing techniques I had learned in therapy all those years ago would finally come in handy.

  “Look. Just come over to my apartment. I have some shit to do there and I’d like to see you. I think we both have things that need to be said,” I said, trying to be as placating and reasonable as possible.

  Dania snorted and I heard her covering the phone and the sound of muffled murmurs. Then she was back.

  “Fine. Craig said he could drop me off there in a few,” she said and hung up.

  It hadn’t taken her long to move on from Stu.

  I rolled my eyes heavenward, knowing that this was most likely going to be just as horrible as I imagined.

  My apartment was a mess but I didn’t have the time or patience to give it the proper clean it needed. I straightened the thin pillows on the couch and washed a few of the dishes that were piled up in the sink.

  I went into my bedroom and located the one suitcase I owned at the back of my closet. Julie had gotten it for me when I was a kid. She had wanted me to have something that was mine that I could take with me to a new foster home. At the time I thought it was so pretty. It used to be bright pink with purple polka dots. I remembered the handle had been curved and covered it sparkles. To a seven-year-old girl, it was the coolest thing ever.

  Nowadays it was a sad reminder of a horrible childhood. The purple polka dots were long since faded. They were an off colored beige standing out against a barely pink background. The side had split open years ago and I had to staple it shut. The handle had split and I had fixed it with duct tape.

  It was used and beat up but it would work. If I planned to go away to school, I’d have to invest in some new luggage. The thought was equal parts exciting and terrifying.

  I pulled out some panties and socks and shoved them into the suitcase. I slammed the drawer closed, knocking over several of the tiny sculptures sitting on top. I set them upright and smiled.

  Flynn had made these. I had unknowingly been cherishing small pieces of him all this time and hadn’t realized it. It was beautiful and perfect and reaffirmed my belief that being with him was right.

  I heard my front door open and close with an angry bang.

  Dania was here.

  Let the drama begin.

  “Ellie!” she yelled at the top of her lungs.

  I took a deep breath; I was doing that a lot lately, and composed myself so I could deal with her without ripping her hair out.

  “Back here!” I called back.

  I could hear Dania’s furious stomps as she headed back to my bedroom. A few seconds later, she was filling the doorway with her expanding girth. She looked tired and haggard. Her normally healthy, shiny hair was dull and lifeless. She had dark circles under her eyes and her skin was ashen.

  “Hey,” I said, trying for a small smile.

  Dania didn’t return it. She looked unhappy and close to homicidal, as I had ever seen her.

  “Well, you wanted me here. Here I am. What the fuck do you want to say?” She was instantly combative. I had known she’d be like that. I had prepared for it. I was an old hat at dealing with her myriad of moods and temper tantrums. But I realized my patience for her endless nastiness had disappeared. I had asked her over hoping to clear the air between us. Seeing her aggressive defensiveness I knew that wouldn’t happen.

  This would go either of two ways. I would either have to roll over and show her my belly. Tell her I was wrong and grovel for her forgiveness. Or I could stand firm and watch as a ten year old friendship crumpled for good.

  And I wasn’t in the mood for groveling.

  “You can come in you know,” I replied breezily.

  Dania eyed me warily but took a step into my room. She looked at my suitcase on the bed and the clothes I was putting in it.

  “Going somewhere?” she asked.

  “Yeah, going to the beach for a few days,” I said, watching her out of the corner of my eye as she sat down on the edge of my bed, shoving my suitcase to make room.

  “With the freak?” she spat out.

  “With Flynn, yes,” I answered coldly.

  “I can’t believe you’d actually spend time with that waste. What’s wrong with you?” she sneered.

  I grabbed a handful of shirts and crossed over to the bed where she was sitting and placed them in my suitcase. Dania grabbed one of my nicer sweaters and curled her lip.

  “What’s the point of looking nice? It’s not like he’s smart enough to realize the effort,” Dania said nastily.

  I yanked the sweater away from her and folded it back up.

  “Okay, let’s do this, Dania. You’re pissed. You think I’ve betrayed you or something. Which is stupid. So what, I’m dating Flynn! What does that have to do with you?” I demanded.

  Dania glared at me. “It’s has to do with me because I was the one that went to visit you every single day at the gross juvenile detention facility, where you were because of that fucking freak! It’s my goddamned business because we were making plans! You said you’d help me out and get an apartment with me, but I’m guessing that’s off the table now that you’re with Flynn.” She said his name like a dirty word.

  “And you have betrayed me, Ellie! Because you didn’t tell me anything! You didn’t tell me what was going on! I thought we were friends. Best friends. And you kept something huge from me! That’s fucked up and wrong!”

  Dania was getting worked up. Her neck and chest was splotched red and she was breathing rapidly.

  But I was pissed too.

  “First of all, I was sent to juvie because of what I did. Because of what we did!” I waved my finger between us.

  “It had nothing to do with Flynn. I made my choices.”

  “But you said” Dania started arguing.

  I instantly interrupted her.

  “I know what I said. I know what I’ve always said. But it’s wrong. I was wrong. Don’t you get that? I fucked up. I paid the price. And I have to live with what I did to him the rest of my life! Did you know his dog was inside? We killed his fucking dog, Dania!”

  Dania snorted. “So? It’s just a fucking dog. It’s not like people died or anything. And I’ve heard he’s fixed the place up and it looks better than it ever did. So I don’t see what you’re freaking the fuck out about? It looks like he got a better end of the stick than you did, that’s for sure. So pardon me if I don’t get why you’d want to hang out with him. You hated him! Don’t pretend you didn’t,” she challenged.

  Her lack of remorse, her total insensitivity wasn’t surprising. I had expected it. We were two sides of the same coin really. When I looked at Dania, when I heard her speak, it was like seeing and looking at the Ellie McCallum I had always been.

  I shook my head and turned back to my dresser, pulling out the two other pairs of jeans I owned and folded them neatly.

  “I’m with Flynn.
I love him, Dania. So either you accept that or you don’t. But I’m not going to stop being with him because you don’t like him. Because you’re stuck in some pathetic time warp where you feel you still need to bully him to make yourself feel better. Grow up, Dania. I’m trying to,” I threw at her.

  Dania clenched her hands into fists.

  “You self-righteous, condescending bitch!” she growled. “Since when did you become better than everyone else? Since when did you become so high and mighty that you think you can look down on the rest of us? I don’t know who the hell you think you are”

  “I’m the person who’s trying to get her ass out of Wellsburg and have a fucking life!” I yelled.

  Dania recoiled like I had slapped her.

  “So, we aren’t good enough for you anymore. I get it. So I’m not sure we have anything else to say to each other. You’ve made yourself pretty fucking clear,” Dania said, her voice frigid. She got to her feet and looked around my room, her voice curling in disgust.

  “And you’re just a piece of shit like the rest of us. No matter how much you try to clean up,” she derided.

  “I’m going to college, Dania. You could go to. Take some classes. You’re smart. You could make something of yourself,” I protested, trying one last time to salvage a friendship that had gotten me through some of the worst times of my life.

  Dania laughed bitterly. “Unlike you, I’m just fine with how things are. I don’t need to go out there pretending to be something I’m not. I’ll leave that to you,” she scoffed.

  “You’re fine with drinking yourself unconscious every night? You’re okay with taking drugs and potentially fucking up that baby you’re carrying worse than your parents fucked you up? You’re going to be a mother, Dania. Start acting like it!” I shouted.

  Dania’s face turned a scary molten color. She advanced toward me, her chest heaving up and down. She looked murderous.

  “Don’t you fucking dare tell me how to be a mother! What the hell do you know about it? I’m sick and tired of your sanctimonious bullshit!” she screamed. She reached out and swiped everything off the top of my dresser.

  “You stupid, judgmental bitch!” she shrieked as she ran over to my bed and turned over my suitcase. Everything upended on the floor.

  “Stop it, Dania!” I yelled, trying to grab ahold of her.

  “Oh, I’ll stop it all right. This friendship is done! I never want to see you again! Don’t call! Don’t stop by! Don’t even fucking think about me! I can do this on my own! I’ve never needed you, Ells,” she screamed.

  “You were just the sad, pathetic kid I took pity on. I stopped Mr. Flanders from messing with you because I didn’t want to see you sniveling and crying. It was fucking annoying. Do you honestly think I ever even liked you? Fuck no! We all have always laughed about you behind your back. Shane used to call you the fish fuck! We all cracked up over that one. He’d tell us how you’d just lay there while he screwed you. That you were about as hot as dead fish. And then you’d cry because he didn’t call you. You sad, pathetic bitch! And then there was that guy Aaron our junior year that you panted after. Yeah he screwed you. But what you didn’t know was that I fucked him right afterwards. And do you know what he told me? That you sucked. That I was so much better than you were. That you wouldn’t know how to fuck a dildo! Every guy you’ve ever wanted, wanted me more! Just remember that. And your friends were only hanging out with you because I told them to. No one likes you, Ellie. They never have.”

  I didn’t know what to say. She was unleashing ten years of venom that I had never guessed that she felt. Sure, I knew she was selfish and self-centered. But I had truly believed on some level, she had cared about me.

  But what I was hearing spewing out of her mouth was bitter, hateful jealousy. She needed people to like her, to want her, more than they liked or wanted me. That in her head, for all of these years, we had been engaged in some sort of competition that I hadn’t been aware of.

  I thought I had kept myself cut off from feeling anything deeply for her or our friendship. That it had been a relationship born out of necessity rather than choice. Somehow I had convinced myself that I had never become overly attached to Dania.

  That was such a lie.

  Because her hate filled tirade cut me to the quick. It hurt. A lot.

  “So it makes sense that you’d end up with a guy like the ‘tard. No one else wants you! So go fuck the freak. You take up too much of my air anyway!” Dania flipped her hair over her shoulder and stomped out of my room.

  I stood there, unable to respond. Unable to yell back at her.

  Then my front door was slamming shut behind her. And just like that, our friendship was over.

  I turned back to my dresser and saw the mess she had made of my things. I dropped to my knees and picked up one of my sculptures. The tiny Big Ben was broken in half. I rummaged through the wreckage. Every single one was irreparably broken.

  I supposed it was only fitting Dania would destroy them.

  She had obviously wanted nothing more than to destroy me all this time.

  But it would take more than her hateful words to bring me down.

  Because I had something to fight for now.

  I ran my finger over the tiny piece of art that Flynn had created.

  I had Flynn. And I had my future.

  And that was something Dania could never take from me.

  -Ellie-

  Flynn was going over the list he had made for the hundredth time. We were planning to be on the road by eleven. It was now ten thirty. Flynn had calculated our time down to the second.

  He carefully picked through his suitcase, counting his shirts and pants. Then he counted his socks and boxer shorts.

  This trip was much more difficult for him than I thought it would be. I should have known better of course. Flynn didn’t do well with change in routine. He had his days structured just so.

  And even though he was the one who suggested going away, I should have realized that it would require a lot of planning and fore thought on his part so he wouldn’t get upset.

  I had already witnessed one such freak out when I had accidentally gotten him the wrong kind of toothpaste. He used Colgate Whitening religiously. When he said he needed some more for our trip, I offered to pick it up. He told me at least four times the brand he needed.

  But Reggie and her ramblings had distracted me and I had picked up Colgate Tartar Control instead.

  It had resulted in a level ten melt down.

  “I use Colgate Whitening. Only Colgate Whitening. I like the taste. This stuff is horrible. I won’t use it!” He was talking rapidly and I could barely keep up with him.

  Then he threw the toothpaste across the room. I tried to talk to him. To tell him I’d go back and get him the right kind. But he hadn’t been listening. He had told me to leave him alone.

  I wanted to argue with him. I wanted to scream at him to snap out of it. That it was only toothpaste!

  But I knew it was useless. He had started rubbing his hands and pacing. He was way passed reasonable.

  So I told him I’d be down stairs and then I had left the bedroom, closing the door and waited for him in the living room. I heard thumping above me but I stayed put. Murphy had jumped up on the couch beside me and rested his head in my lap. He was becoming used to Flynn’s fits. And while I had learned how best to deal with them, even if it was contrary to everything I wanted to do, I could admit I wasn’t entirely sure I would ever get used to them.

  Because his fits bothered me. They both scared me and made me angry. When he started yelling I wanted to yell back. I wanted to scream at him to stop it.

  And then a part of me wanted to run away and never look back. The selfish side of me thought it was too much trouble. That Flynn was just too much for a girl like me to handle. A girl with limited coping skills of her own who was only now learning how to do something other than make shitty choices.

  But then I would remember how many times I h
ad been made to feel like I wasn’t worth the effort. Every time I was packed up and shipped off to a new foster home I knew it was because no one could deal with me. That these people I thought could love me, in reality didn’t care enough to put forth the effort.

  I wouldn’t do that to Flynn. Because he was most definitely worth it. He was worth everything.

  Because Flynn Hendrick had taught me how to feel. He had taught me how to live.

  He had taught me how to love.

  When Flynn had quieted down, I had walked back up the stairs and slowly opened the door to find Flynn sitting on his bed.

  He wouldn’t look at me.

  “I’m sorry,” he muttered.

  “It’s okay,” I said. I went over to him and pulled out the list he had made.

  “Let’s go over this again, all right, and then I’ll go and get some new toothpaste,” I told him brightly.

  It took a long time for Flynn to look at me again. I could tell he was embarrassed. He always felt bad after a meltdown. But I refused to let him feel that way. He shouldn’t feel bad for being who he was.

  So I carried on, not allowing either of us to dwell on it.

  “Six shirts. Twelve pairs of socks…”Flynn mumbled under his breath.

  “We’re only going away for two nights, Flynn. That’s a lot of clothes to bring,” I said.

  Flynn shook his head. “No, I need twelve pairs of socks. Six Shirts. Six pairs of pants. Twelve boxer shorts. I need to bring my toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo, nail clippers, and deodorant.” He went through his list mechanically. I let him recite the things he felt he needed several more times before he finally closed up the case and lifted the handle.

  “It’s ten forty-five. We need to leave in fifteen minutes. I have to get Murphy’s dog food and toys. He likes the squeaky cheeseburger,” Flynn went on. We had been lucky to find a hotel that allowed pets because Flynn refused to put Murphy in a kennel.

  “I’ve already gotten everything together. His food, his bowls, and his favorite toys. His blanket is already on the back seat of the car,” I told him. Of course Flynn still went through the bag of dog supplies five times before he was satisfied we hadn’t forgotten anything.