Moonshine

by Bartley, Regina

  “I love you back, Moon.”

  The rest of the afternoon we spent snuggled up inside but our evening was cut short when Moon’s papaw called. He had some kind of an emergency on the farm with a birthing cow. I didn’t ask for the details. As bad as we didn’t want to part ways, we had too. He promised me that he would be back next week with my parents to pick me up. I was so ready. I was getting my happy ending after all.

  Once Moon left, Gerry came and got me from the lunchroom to let me know that I had another visitor. Someone that I never expected to see had come to see me.

  “What are you doing here, Melody?” I asked her. She looked like a hot mess, so I guess it was fair to say that she looked normal.

  “I need to talk to you. Can we go outside or something? It’s important.” I don’t know what she would need to talk to me about, but she did come all of this way so I guess I would hear her out. We walked out onto the patio and sat facing each other on the picnic table. “What is this about?”

  “I wanted to come and talk to you a long time ago, but I didn’t. I had my reasons, and I promise you they were shitty ones.” She fidgeted. It was like whatever she had to say was on the tip of her tongue.

  “Would you just say it already? Whatever it is, just tell me.” I said a little forceful. I was trying not to bite her head off which would have been easy to do.

  She looked down into her lap. “I was there, Shine. That day in the locker room, I was there.”

  “YOU WHAT!!!” I screamed at her as I stood up from the table. “You have to be fucking kidding me right now. When I screamed for help and laid there as that bastard beat the hell out of me, you were there, the whole time. Why didn’t you help me?” Oh damn I could have yanked her off that seat by the head of her hair. “Answer me, damn it!”

  She stood up. She was crying now, but it was no use. “I’m sorry Shine. I didn’t help because of Ryker. I was so pissed off at you that day, because he turned me down. He was in love with you and I knew it. When I heard you screaming in the locker room, I left. I just walked out and left you there with him. I felt like at the time you deserved what was coming to you.”

  “You are a cold hearted bitch.” I pointed my finger in her face. “I can’t believe you just left me there. Do you know how much pain I went through? Do you know that he took things from me that I will never get back? I could not stand you Melody. We have never been friends, but by God I would not have let you lay there if you were screaming for help. I would have helped you.”

  She was a sobbing mess at this point. “I know and I am sorry. I didn’t know who it was that was hurting you until I heard about the wreck. I put it all together. I never said anything because when you pushed everyone away you pushed Moon too. I thought that you not wanting him would make him think twice about giving me a chance.”

  “You did all of this just so you could get in Moon’s pants?” I just shook my head. “I guess once a whore always a whore, right?” I backed up away from her, because I was afraid of what I might do and frankly the sight of her was making me sick. “What made you decide to tell me this now?”

  “When I found out that you tried to commit suicide, I felt guilty. I thought maybe if I told you earlier that it wouldn’t have happened.”

  “So that’s it. You felt guilty. What if I had succeeded and actually died. Then what, would have just gone on about your normal life without saying a word?”

  “I’m sorry, Shine. I really am.”

  “Good for you. You can leave now, because I have nothing more to say to you.” I turned my back to her. “You know what?” I spoke into the air.

  “What?”

  “He still loves me, so was it worth it?”

  I didn’t wait for her to answer; I just walked off towards the sunset. I had to get as much distance between us as possible. Inside I was trying to find any excuse I could to blame her for everything, but I couldn’t. All I could come up with is that she was a horrible person and that she would have to live with herself. It’s a pity I couldn’t place all the blame on her, but I couldn’t. After a long walk and lots self-evaluation I decided that I still couldn’t stand her, I would probably never forgive her, and I know that I would never forget. It was time to move on.

  30

  Shine

  The knocks on my bedroom door woke me up. I assumed it was because I had just slept too late but when my eyes fully opened I realized that it was still dark outside. I made sure that I was fully covered before I opened the door.

  “This better be good.” I swung open the door and Mrs. Gerry was standing there in her robe crying. “What’s wrong, Mrs. Gerry?” I asked. I had never seen her like this before.

  She walked in the room with me and motioned towards the bed. “Let’s sit down right here, okay?” She sat down first and patted the bed next to her.

  “You’re scaring me, what’s going on?”

  “Shine honey, I don’t know how to tell you this. It’s Bradley. Something has happened.”

  “What happened, Gerry, tell me what happened.” My leg was bouncing up and down and I was starting to freak out.

  “His mother called just a few minutes ago and said that they found him dead in their garage last night.”

  “Oh God no… No, no, no, no, no. This can’t be happening. It’s not right, it can’t be.” I screamed out.

  “I’m sorry, Shine. I know how much you loved him, but it’s true. His mom said the only reason she knew to call here was because of a note that they found in his pocket that had your name and the phone number to the facility on it.”

  “Oh Johnny,” I fell to the floor and cried. I couldn’t stop. “He was supposed to move in with me. He’s my best friend. Damn it, he’s my best friend. I love him. I loved him so much. Oh God,” I was screaming through the sobs.

  “Come here, Baby,” Mrs. Gerry touched my shoulder.

  “Don’t touch me.” I screamed. “Just go away.” I sat there curled up in a ball and cried.

  30

  And a half

  Moon

  Mrs. Gerry was sitting at the front desk just like every other day that I brought Shine’s letters.

  “I am here for my daily delivery, Mrs.Gerry. You gonna let me see my girl today.” I said when I walked through the front doors.

  “I’m glad you are finally here, Boy. I’ve got permission from the doctor for you to see Shine. You won’t be able to stay very long, maybe an hour or so.”

  “Sweet really, just point me in the right direction.”

  “Listen to me okay. She is not doing too well today. She’s been in her room all day.” She said with tears in her eyes.

  “Is everything all right? You seem upset. What’s wrong with Shine?”

  “We found out today that one of our patients passed away. He and Shine were very close.”

  “He,” I asked. I knew that it was Bradley; I just didn’t want to believe it. The knot in my throat was creeping up. It seemed unreal. I just saw him a week ago, and he was fine. “It was Bradley?”

  It came out like a question, but it was a statement. My answer was written all over her face. “Just take me to her.”

  We stopped outside of what I assumed was her bedroom. Mrs. Gerry knocked several times, but she never came to the door. I turned the knob slightly to find that the door was unlocked and I let myself in. Mrs. Gerry gave me a nod letting me know that she approved. I wasn’t sure what kind of mess that I would be walking into, or what kind of shape she would be in. I took a deep breath and got myself together. I remembered the words that Bradley said about being the man and taking care of my girl.

  She was curled up on her bed sound asleep. I walked over to her and sat down on the bed next to her. Her face was all swollen and red from the crying. Seeing her lying there like that tore me up. It just broke my heart. I couldn’t understand how someone so sweet and loveable could go through so much pain. She didn’t deserve it.

  I pushed the hair off her face and kissed her cheek. I t
ried my best not to wake her up, but it didn’t work. The moment my lips touched her cheek she opened her eyes.

  She didn’t speak to me, but the tears did. She didn’t have to say a word. Her body shook as she cried while I held her in my arms. I felt useless. I couldn’t take away her pain. So I did the only thing that I knew how to do, I told her that I loved her.

  “Shhh… It’s okay.” I rubbed her head. “I love you and I’m here.” I rubbed small circles on her back and held her for as long as I could. She finally came around right before I left. She told me that she would be okay. I didn’t believe her for a second, but they wouldn’t let me stay with her any longer.

  “I love him, Moon. I miss him so much.”

  “I know baby, its okay.”

  “Just a few more days and I will be back to pick you up and take you home.”

  “I know,” was all she said.

  “If you need me just call me and I’ll come back.”

  “Okay.”

  I hated seeing her like this. She was miserable, but what could I do. “You have to keep yourself together and graduate from this place. Bradley wouldn’t want you to give up. He would tell you to keep fighting.” I tried to explain.

  “Why did he give up and quit fighting? It doesn’t make sense. I loved him so much Moon and it’s just not fair.”

  “No it’s not fair. I’m so sorry, Shine Baby.” I pulled her into me. “I have to go now, but I want you to try and get some rest. I love you and I will be back for you soon.”

  “I love you too. Hurry back, because I need you.”

  “I will.” I kissed her once more before I left to go home.

  31

  Shine

  The nurse offered me a little something to help me sleep last night and I took it. I knew that if I didn’t I would have nightmares all night. This way at least I would rest a little. However, when I woke up this morning I regretted it. I don’t know how I used to take those things. I felt worse today than I had in a long time.

  Mrs. Gerry let me sleep in and didn’t ask me to come to breakfast, but it didn’t take long before people started coming in search for me. “Mail time,” the girl’s voice said on the other side of my door. When I opened it she had two letters for me this time.

  My breath caught in my throat and my hands were shaking when I saw my handwriting staring back at me. It was my envelope for Johnny. He had written me. The tears leaked out from the corner of my eyes as I opened it to read it. I closed my eyes and held the paper to my chest trying to get myself together.

  Dear Sunshine,

  I hope this gets to you. I promised you that I would write, I just didn’t know that I would be sending you my final farewell. You are the most precious thing in my life and you will be the only thing in this world I will miss.

  The meeting with my parents was horrible. Neither one would give me a chance to explain. The first thing my dad asked was if I was still gay and when I answered yes he punched me in the face. He said that when he told me that he never wanted to see me again that he meant it. He said that I was as good as dead to him. Funny he should use those words. I never did anything wrong in their eyes except be gay, but they hate me. There is no making it right with them. It’s over. I don’t have the strength in me to fight anymore. I feel like leaving it all behind is the only way to go. I will always be an outsider and I can’t handle the pressure. I am not as strong as you are. You are the bravest person I know and I am so proud of you. I want you to know that this has nothing to do with you. I just can’t burden my family and be the disgrace anymore. It’s not worth it to me.

  I know that I am leaving you in good hands with Moon and that someone will always love and take care of you. My heart will always belong to you and I can’t thank you enough. Thank you for loving me and never treating me different. Thank you for being my best friend.

  In the bottom of this envelope, I left you something. Don’t make fun because I made it myself. I hope you will wear it next to your star. It’s my heart so keep it close to yours always. I love you forever.

  Your Best Friend,

  Johnny

  P.S. Never give up. You are strong enough to overcome anything. Fight hard for me, Sunshine!

  I slid the small heart charm onto my necklace next to my star. Once I had it back around my neck I laid back on my bed with his letter tightly against my chest and I cried. It was the closure that I needed. I cried my last tears for him and promised myself that I would fight and heal for my Johnny.

  32

  Shine

  I cried again when I said goodbye to Mrs. Gerry. It was graduation day and I was finally able to leave. I had come so far from the girl I was when I started. Part of me felt like Superwoman when I walked out of those doors to leave. The promise I made to myself was now not only just for me, it was for Johnny too. Proving myself strong enough was my biggest obstacle, but I had to do it on my own without the help of my family or Moon. Meeting Johnny and coming to the facility was all part of the plan of my life. I know it may not have been a good plan, but it worked. When Doctor Greene asked me today about what I had learned I told him that I learned to love. I said that no matter if it seemed important or not, it was my greatest fear and I beat it. I learned to love myself and I learned that I had the strength of an army. I could overcome it; I just had to rip off the band aid. Johnny was my guardian angel and I would have him to thank for all of my accomplishments.

  In my final one on one with the doctor, I agreed to meet with him every other week until I got fully adjusted to leaving the center. Leaving was a scary and exciting feeling, and not having Johnny there was pretty hard. I missed being able to share it with him. Mrs. Gerry gave me a wonderful going away present though. She had framed a picture of me and Johnny from group session. We were holding hands and smiling on the loveseat. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have a single picture of him and I would cherish her gift forever.

  “Are we going home?” I asked Dad who was in the driver’s seat. Moon and I shared the backseat which was nice. I didn’t want to be able to fit a piece of paper between us for the next several days. I had planned on being attached to his hip, literally.

  “Did you want to go somewhere else, sweet pea?”

  “Nope, just home,” I said as I snuggled under Moon’s arm.

  The drive was nice and peaceful and I was really excited to see home when we pulled in the driveway. It had been so long since I had walked through that front door, but it was going to be even longer because I had someone to see first.

  When I opened the car door, I looked across the street to Moon’s house. “Is she home?” I asked Moon.

  “Yep,” he nodded grabbing my bags. “Go on, I’ll take your bags to your room.”

  “Mom, Dad, I am going to go over and see Lisa for just a minute. I’ll be back in little bit.”

  “That’s fine. Tell her I said hello,” Mom called over her shoulder as she walked inside the house.

  I stepped up onto Moon’s front porch steps. I stood there for a moment trying to decide if I wanted to knock or just go right in. I hadn’t knocked on their door in years because I was never a guest. This was my home too. In one of Moon’s last letters he had told me that his Mom knew about what happened with his dad. He said he didn’t think that I would want to tell her and he felt like she should know. She loved that man with her whole heart and I didn’t have the guts to tell her, and if he hadn’t done it she still would not know. I paced in front of the door for a minute before I decided to let myself in.

  When I opened the door, I heard Lisa calling out from another room. “Ryker honey, is that you.”

  “No, it’s me,” I called out.

  I saw her tiptoe around the corner and as soon as she caught sight of me she came running. “Oh Shine, it’s so good to see you,” she wrapped her arms around me. “I’m so sorry.” She stepped back keeping both my hands in hers.

  “It’s okay Lisa. Can we sit down?”

  “Of course, come
on.” She led me into the living room and onto the couch. “You look really good,” she was struggling not to cry and so was I. I really missed her.

  “I’m sorry, Lisa. I never got a chance to tell you, but I am sorry for your loss. I wouldn’t have been able to tell you that a few months ago, but I am nearly healed now and I feel like I owe you that. You have been my other mother my whole life and I don’t want to lose you. I hope that you are not mad at me.”

  “Oh honey, I am not mad at you. I love you just like you were my daughter. I hate what you had to go through. I feel so guilty and ashamed. I’m so ashamed.”

  “Don’t be ashamed. I am gonna be okay. Turns out I am a pretty strong woman.”

  “Yes you are. I still want to apologize to you because someone should. I’m so sorry, Shine.”

  “I accept your apology and I just want all of us to move on. Will that be okay?”

  “That will be wonderful.” She hugged me again. “Ryker said that the two of you were gonna move in together very soon.”

  I smiled. “Yes, we are. I am so excited. I love him so much.” I admitted.

  “I know you do. He loves you too, and I couldn’t be happier. You kids belong together.”

  “Forever,” Moon said from the doorway.

  “Hey you,” I said.

  “It’s nice seeing my two favorite girls together.” He grinned. “Listen, I don’t know if you feel up to it but Josh and Katie are at the Mill, they really want to see you. We don’t have to go. I know it will be hard for you to go back there so I understand,” I cut him off.

  “Okay.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’m positive. Let’s go.” I wanted to see my friends, my real friends. “Thanks for the talk Lisa,” I kissed her cheek.

  “You’re welcome, Sweetheart. I’m glad your back. You come see me later this week, and I will cook you up something good okay?”