That Baby

by Jillian Dodd

He spots Phillip, who is still sitting on the folding chair, sobbing.

  Danny slides on his knees in front of Phillip.

  Phillip looks up for a moment and barely shakes his head, letting Danny know that I didn't make it.

  Danny puts his head down. He's sobbing too.

  I watch as he reaches up and puts his hand on top of Phillip's.

  I'm drawn back to the screen.

  I love them in entirely different ways, but I love them both with all my heart.

  I put my hand on top of Danny's, hoping I can console them.

  I look at the TV and see myself. I look faded and faint, but I'm standing there next to them with my hand at the top of the pile.

  It's fitting, really.

  That it looks like this. Our hands stacked on top of each other, looking like we're getting ready to break as we go out onto a sports field before a game.

  On what I know will be the last time I ever touch either one of them.

  Danny

  After a while, the nurse who helped me find Phillip gently relocates us to a waiting room.

  Phillip's parents are here.

  "How is she?" Mrs. Mac asks, but Phillip's body language says everything as he plops down into a chair taking up the same position he had in the other one.

  "She had a placental abruption. Lost too much blood," I say quietly, repeating one of the few shreds of information Phillip was muttering, but knowing the look on our faces say more than my words could convey.

  Mrs. Mac's hand immediately goes to her face, sadness washing over the concern that was there before. Mr. Mac, who was standing, sits down very slowly, grief written all over his face.

  "Oh my god," Mrs. Mac slowly says, dropping to a chair next to him as the reality of Jadyn's death sinks in.

  The sounds of the busy hospital blur around me as I sit next to Phillip not knowing what to do.

  My phone buzzes with a text from Lori asking where I am and if I'll stop and pick up milk on the way home. I realize that she has no idea what's happened.

  I start to send her a text to let her know Jadyn was in an accident.

  But I can't bring myself to do it.

  Part of me keeps thinking this can't really be happening.

  Can't possibly be real.

  "Phillip Mackenzie?" a nurse announces to the waiting room.

  Phillip doesn't even look up.

  I stand and point to him. "Uh, he's right here."

  "Sir, could you come with me?" she says to him. "The doctor would like to speak with you."

  Phillip shuts his eyes tightly and shakes his head. "I can't," he mutters. "I can't."

  I squeeze his shoulder. "Come on, Mac. We'll do it together."

  His eyes fill with tears again. "That's what I said to her at her parents' funeral. When she didn't want to drop the roses in their graves."

  He stands up and together we numbly follow the nurse to a small room.

  We sit in the little white cubicle for at least fifteen minutes.

  Waiting.

  For what, I have no idea.

  What happens when someone dies like this?

  Dies.

  The word grips my heart and squeezes, the pain intense.

  I want to say something to comfort Phillip, but I know nothing will.

  So we just sit together in silence.

  I jump when the door opens and a doctor wearing clean blue scrubs enters the room.

  "I'm Dr. Evans," he says, shaking both our hands and smiling at us.

  I want to punch the fucking smile off his face. How can he be smiling at a time like this?

  But then he says three miraculous words. "We revived her."

  "What?! Really?!" Phillip says, hope flooding him as he stands up, hugs me, hugs him, and starts crying again.

  "We've been working on her since she flatlined. She's not out of the woods yet, but we were able to bring her back and get her stabilized."

  "Can I see her?" Phillip asks. "Is she going to be okay?"

  "She's in critical but stable condition. She lost a lot of blood, but I did want to let you know that we were able to stop the bleeding without doing a hysterectomy. She's so young. I figured if she survived, she'd probably want to have more children."

  As soon as the doctor mentions more children, Phillip takes in a sharp breath. He hasn't said a word about the baby and I've too afraid to ask.

  "What about the baby?" Phillip says in a tone barely above a whisper.

  "I don't know about the baby. I was only responsible for your wife," he replies. "And to answer your other question, she's being moved to the ICU now. Once she's set up there, you can go see her. She's heavily sedated and we're giving her multiple blood products. She's also intubated and we'll need to keep her that way until she's hemodynamically stable. The ICU staff will be monitoring her overnight, checking her blood levels, blood pressure, and heart rate."

  "So, she's going to be okay?" I ask, mostly because I have no freaking idea what hemo--die--whatever means.

  "Like I said, she's in critical condition, so the next twenty-four hours are crucial. We kept her oxygenated while we worked on her, but we never know how a patient's internal organs and brain will react to that stress. We'll know more tomorrow."

  When the doctor leaves, Phillip puts his arm around me, his hand in a fist.

  The Man Hug.

  "Screw that," I say, wrapping both my arms around him, giving him the girliest hug ever.

  But I don't care.

  Because she's not dead.

  "They revived her," he cries over and over again. "They revived her."

  Danny

  I don't leave Jadyn's side.

  I can't.

  They aren't letting anyone other than Phillip and me into the ICU. I finally told Lori what happened, but told her to stay home with Devaney. I have enough to worry about without dealing with her right now.

  Phillip's parents and my parents have been here off and on. They've been rotating shifts to sleep, take care of Angel, and get Phillip and I to eat.

  I walk down the hall to give them an update--which is nothing yet--and am assaulted by flashes of cameras and reporters.

  "Are you playing today, Danny?"

  I don't even know what day it is. Sunday? Game day?

  I stop and look at them. All they care about is football. And right now, football is the last thing on my mind.

  But then I have a flashback. Laying on the hammock with Jay on the day after prom.

  Greatness is in you. Don't you know that? You're doing what you've always wanted, what you're meant to do.

  Her friendship and unwavering support helped give me the confidence to do so many things.

  I step into the nurse's office, realizing that I never did text Coach to let him know what happened. I call the stadium and let them know I won't make the game.

  Then I deal with the reporters.

  My response is simple. "It's true that I love my job. But I'm a husband, a father, and a friend, before I'm a quarterback."

  Friendship--the people who touch your heart--that's what matters most in our lives. Something I knew before but is now been permanently engrained in me.

  I'm thankful that after I reply the hospital security herds the reporters outside.

  I go down the hall to grab a cup of coffee and find Lori in the waiting room.

  "How's she doing?" She gives me a tight hug and even though things between us have been strained, I'm grateful for it.

  "No change yet. How's my little monkey doing this morning?"

  "Good," she says. "She misses her daddy. What are you going to do about the game today?"

  "I'm not playing. I don't give a shit about football, Lori. I'm not leaving until she wakes up. Until I know she'll be okay."

  Lori frowns. "So, that's it? You're choosing her over your family?"

  "My family? What are you talking about? No, I'm choosing her over a game."

  "Football is your career, Danny. It's how you provide for you
r family. What if they fire you?"

  "You're worried about the money? You've gotta be fucking shitting me. If my job and the money are more important to you than our friendship, then all of a sudden you've developed some fucked up values. Is that why you came here? To ask me about the game? Do you even care about her any more?"

  "Do you wish you were Phillip? Do you love her?"

  I shake my head at her, not believing she'd bring this up again. Not now. But I say calmly, "Of course, I love her. She and Phillip are my best friends."

  "Well, if she wakes up, maybe you should just sleep with her and get it over with," she snaps.

  "Where is this even coming from? Why are you bringing this bullshit up again?"

  "You're putting your family's future in jeopardy because of her. Our future. What am I supposed to think? Maybe if you slept with her it would ruin you for once and for all."

  I don't want to deal with this right now, her ridiculous jealousy. But she needs to know. I need her to know and understand why I told Jay that. Why I lied to her in the hammock. Maybe it will make a difference.

  "Sit down," I say sternly.

  She sits.

  "I know you think just because Jay was the only girl in my life besides my mother who I haven't slept with that it makes her special. You think I have some unrequited crush. I lied to her that day in the hammock, Lori. If Jay and I would have dated or slept together, it wouldn't have ruined us. I'm on good terms with every girl I ever dated."

  "So why didn't you?"

  "Because it would have ruined my relationship with Phillip. It's always been her and Phillip. He's always who she ran to. You should have seen how he took care of her when her parents died. Phillip is like my brother. And I'm not leaving this hospital until he's okay. And he won't be okay until she wakes up. Do you understand?" I start to tear up. I need her to understand that I chose her. I could have chosen Jennifer. I probably should have. But I didn't. "I need you to understand, Lori. You and our baby mean everything to me, but I need to be here for him. I have to."

  Tears stream down her face. Tears of relief, I hope.

  "I love you," I tell her. "I also owe Jay big time. She bribed you into going out with me."

  "She came over before the accident. Said you made her. I said something that wasn't very nice," Lori admits.

  "What did you say?"

  "I just got jealous. She walks around looking like a pregnant Barbie doll. And I said--"

  "What did you say?"

  "I'm embarrassed to even tell you. I feel horrible now."

  "Horrible because she's lying in ICU or horrible because you actually regret what you said?"

  "I'm sorry I said it."

  "What did you say?" I ask again.

  "I told her that because her pregnancy was so easy that it meant she'd have a hard delivery. She got really upset. Stormed out." She sobs. "It's like I cursed her. I didn't mean it. I didn't wish for this. I haven't been very nice to her. When she wakes up--and she will wake up--I promise you that I'm going to apologize for being such an ass about her morning sickness, for yelling about the skybox, about accusing her of cheating with you. I'll beg her to forgive me. And I'm sorry for the way I've been treating you. I really love you, Danny. Will you forgive me? Do you think she will forgive me?"

  "That's all she wanted, Lori, was for you to apologize. There's something else I need to tell you. Something she didn't want you to know. Remember when we came home from the hospital and the kitchen was miraculously finished?"

  "What's that got to do with any--"

  "It was Jay. She's the one who got the construction crew together. She's the one who got them to work for thirty-six hours straight. She's the one who helped the designer. She's the one who got my mom and Mrs. Mac to make all that food and stock our pantry. And she's the one who paid the workers double overtime to get it done."

  "But . . . Why did she do that?"

  "Because that's the kind of friend she is. I hope you never forget that."

  She shakes her head and cries. "I won't. I promise I won't. What about you, Danny? Will you forgive me?"

  "That depends on your answer to my next question. Do you understand why I don't care about football right now?"

  "Yes, I understand."

  "Good," I say, giving my wife a kiss.

  Jadyn

  I hear Phillip's voice. My eyelids are heavy but I push them open, squinting against the light.

  "Phillip?" I mutter, my throat feeling as raw as it sounds.

  "Princess, you're awake," he says, his voice like music to my ears. He has tears in his eyes but a smile on his face.

  I raise my hand and see the IV in it, then I see a room filled with flowers. "I'm in the hospital?"

  "You got in a car accident."

  It all flashes back. The car running a red light, coming toward me. The impact.

  "You scared me--no, you devastated me--when I thought you had . . ."

  I don't let him finish. I start crying, knowing how badly I've let him down. How I'll never forgive myself for losing our baby. He may have me, but what did I do to our life? There were no pictures of the two of us with a bunch of kids on Heaven TV.

  While I'm so happy to see Phillip, I know I'm not supposed to be here. I know that I messed up both our lives when I left our house. It's funny, had I run the light, I would be home now--still pregnant and feeling Baby Mac kicking me.

  Instead, I feel an emptiness I can't contain, like I'm a shell of what I once was.

  Emotionless.

  Unfeeling.

  Empty.

  What kind of wife could I be to Phillip after this?

  And now I know why they showed me that scene of Phillip in the backyard with his dark-haired children. So I'd know I have to let the picture play out.

  And as much as it's going to hurt, I know I have to let him go. Let him find the happiness he deserves. The happiness he doesn't know he's fated to have without me.

  "Do you remember the accident?" he asks gently.

  "Yes. I turned on the arrow. A car ran the light. I saw it coming toward me and tried to speed up."

  "And am I ever lucky I bought you the new Mercedes. The driver who hit you died at the scene."

  Visions flash through my mind as Phillip speaks. Watching them take the baby from my stomach. The baby not making a sound.

  I touch my stomach and cry hysterically.

  "I'm so sorry, Phillip. I don't know why I'm here. It's all my fault, that's why, isn't it? I'm being punished for being mean to your mom. I wasn't really mad at her, I was upset with Lori. I shouldn't have been at that intersection. I should've never left the house. And my dad--"

  "Your dad?"

  I nod, but I'm still hysterical.

  I need to get out of here.

  Right now.

  I grab my IV, ready to pull it out so I can bolt from this bed.

  This place.

  The walls of the hospital are quickly closing in around me.

  "Jadyn," Phillip says sternly. "Calm down. If you don't calm down, they'll sedate you."

  "How am I supposed to calm down, Phillip? I killed our baby! I wish I were dead too!"

  Phillips eyes widen in shock. "Princess, I sat by your side and told you over and over that the baby was okay. That we needed you to get better. They said you'd hear me."

  I freeze. Stop crying. Shake my head.

  Try to find my voice.

  "What? No! The baby is okay? Really? It's not dead?"

  "No, he isn't," Phillip says, running his hand across my face. "He had a low Apgar score at first, but he's fine now. Do you wanna meet him?"

  I put my hand over my mouth, my whole body shaking, unable to control the emotions flooding me.

  I can't get the words out. "Him? It's . . . A . . . Boy?"

  "Yes. Him."

  "Phillip, is he okay? Normal? Healthy? He was blue. He didn't cry."

  "He looked blue to me, too. Really blue. I thought he was dead. They took him away so fas
t and I just assumed. Then everything happened with you." He squeezes my hand and gives me a reassuring smile. "They said as soon as he took his first breath, he turned the normal pink color. He's perfect. I promise."

  "Where is he?"

  "In the nursery."

  "You're supposed to lay the baby on the mother's chest right away. What if he doesn't recognize me? What if we don't bond? How long have I been out?"

  "You were in the ICU for thirty-six hours. It's Sunday morning. I couldn't bring the baby into the ICU, but he and I have been talking about you the whole time."

  "Talking about me?"

  "Yes, I explained that giving birth was difficult for you and you needed a little time to get better, but that you couldn't wait to meet him. He understands." Phillip looks so tired but so incredibly sweet. "I've been reading him stories too. The ones you bought."

  "Barnyard Dance?"

  "That's his absolute favorite," Phillip says. "He coos when I read it to him. I'll have Danny come sit with you while I go get him."

  "Danny's here?"

  "Danny hasn't left your side. I don't think I would've gotten through this without him. It was a relief to have him stay with you when I needed to be with our baby."

  Our baby.

  He rushes to the door but stops and comes back.

  He kisses my hand. Kisses my forehead. Kisses my dry lips.

  "I love you, Princess."

  "I love you too, Phillip."

  I watch the man of my dreams, my heaven on Earth, walk out of the room.

  Part of me wonders if I'm dreaming.

  Or if I'm finally in the real heaven.

  But then Danny wanders into the room looking lost. It's obvious he hasn't slept much. The dark circles under his eyes have always showed a lack of sleep on his light skin.

  "You look like shit," I smile and say, realizing this is real. That I'm alive.

  He shakes his head at me and runs his hand through his hair.

  "I should look like shit. Do you know how badly you scared us? You died, Jay."

  "Phillip said you've been here the whole time."

  He sits next to me and grabs my hand, his eyes filling with tears. "I wasn't there for you when your parents died. No way was I going to leave when Phillip needed me."

  I laugh. "Oh, so it was just for his sake, huh?"

  "That and I love you. You look like you've been crying."

  "I love you too. I thought the baby died, Danny. It sounds weird--don't tell anyone--but I saw my dad, and he and I watched them take the baby out of me. There was blood everywhere. The baby didn't cry. I thought we were waiting for the baby to come to heaven with us."