Bill gave a faint smile as he watched me. His eyes were sad. “You even sound like her,” he said and cleared his throat as if to rid himself of the sudden emotion he felt.
I was confused. Who did I remind him off? Then the fog cleared.
“I know you!” I exclaimed. “I mean I’ve seen you before. I’ve seen you with my mother. In Palasium.”
I didn’t know why I hadn’t recognized him before – it was years ago and I was very young, but I could still remember it clearly. I had seen him several times in Palasium talking to my mother. She always smiled and laughed when he was near and it was the few times I had seen her so carefree and happy.
“Yes, we were friends.” For a moment he seemed lost in his own thoughts. “Your mother was a remarkable woman. I’m sorry you had to lose her at such an early age.” The familiar ache welled in my chest.
“She was with you after she left?” I pulled at a loose thread on my sweatshirt with trembling fingers. Maybe he knew where my mother was all those months after she left.
“Yes. We found the caves in the mountain. A lot of people left with us and we tried to create a safe haven for all the humans fleeing from the Vandelrizi.”
“I never could understand why she left me with him,” I said softly. I had never admitted to anyone the resentment I felt in my heart towards her. I loved her so much, but I struggled to forgive her for leaving me. For not taking me with her.
“She thought it would be the best thing to do at the time. We didn’t know where we were going and if it was safe. She thought you would be safe in Palasium. The plan was always to fetch you later.”
“But I wasn’t safe.” My voice was barely a whisper. If I thought of all the times that Robert hurt me, not only physically, but all the times he told me how worthless I was, how much he despised being in the same room as me…anything would’ve been better than being left with him.
“She didn’t know. She never thought he would hurt a child.” Bill stood and walked around the table. “I want to show you something.”
I followed him through the corridors taking the elevator to Deck A. We exited the ship and I was astonished by the sheer size of the cave the ship was hidden in. Above us the roof of the cave opened up, showing the clear blue sky. I had no idea how they managed to lower the ship into the cave without destroying half the mountain. Bill headed towards a dimly lit tunnel. He gave me no explanation as to where we were going or what he wanted to show me. The tunnel ended a smaller cavern. The air was dank and I heard a faint trickling of water. I scanned the uneven rock walls. They were covered with hundreds of pieces of paper, drawings and photos.
“What’s this place?” I asked astounded.
“This is where we remember everyone we lost - our family, friends, neighbors. We don’t have graves where we can go to mourn, so we created this place. We must never forget what we are fighting for.”
He walked to the farthest wall and stood very still, his back as straight as a rod as he stared at a photo of a woman – my mother. She smiled and her eyes laughed at the camera. She looked younger and more relaxed than the last time I saw her. Pain sliced my heart in two.
“Every day for the past five years I come here and light a candle for her.”
He removed a burnt out candle from a holder mounted on the wall below her photo and replaced it with the new one and lit it with a lighter from his pocket. The little flame flickered and cast shadows on her face. Bill’s face was etched with grief as he watched her picture and I knew in that instant that he cared more for her than just a friend. The kind of pain I saw in his face was the kind you felt when you lost the love of your life…or your mother. I knew that kind of pain well. I lived with it every day of my life. He loved her. I reached for his hand and held it, uniting us in our pain and loss. Bill didn’t pull away but held on to my hand.
“Every single day she regretted not bringing you with us. That’s why she went back. She left one night without telling me. I don’t know why.” He swallowed hard. “I would never have let her go alone. If I had gone with her…she may be still alive.” We all had our own demons we carried with us and my mother was his. “I was so angry with her…for a long time…”
“She must’ve had her reasons.” I wished we could have five more minutes with her, to get the answers to the questions we carried with us. I wanted to ask her why she abandoned me. Bill nodded silently and turned to me.
“I found this in her things.” He handed me a white envelope. My name was written on it in my mother’s neat handwriting. It was a letter for me from my mother and my heart skipped a beat. I held on to the envelope if it was the most precious thing on earth.
Chapter 9
It’s been three days since Chai left. Only three days. It didn’t seem like a long time, but a nervous restlessness brewed inside me. Arianna and Gaios were unusually absent today from breakfast in the mess hall and I found little things to do to keep me busy. I twisted Bill’s arm in getting me a job on the ship. I couldn’t sit around all day and do nothing. I was assigned to the kitchen. It wasn’t much, cleaning up after meals and washing dishes, but it filled the hours, distracting my thoughts.
Today it wasn’t enough to curb the restlessness in me and I ended up back in my room. I borrowed an old paperback novel from Arianna yesterday. I had no idea where she found it, but I learnt that Arianna was able to get anything if she set her mind to it. It was an old historical romance full of sighing and huge dresses. After a while I gave up trying to concentrate on the weathered pages. It couldn’t keep my attention and I flung it on the bed. I ended up pacing the short length of my room. I kept having the feeling that something was going to happen, a twisting and knotting in the pit of my stomach, a nervousness for which there was no explanation.
Finally when I was sure the shiny floor would need a new wax job, I heard a noise coming through the thin wall separating my room from Chai’s. He was back. Excitement coursed through my body. Vanity took over and I decided that I need to change into something else. I slammed my hand on the wall nearest to me and a drawer silently slid open. Hastily I rummaged through the pile of clothes Arianna had brought me wear. There wasn’t a lot of variety to choose from, mostly jeans and t-shirts. I finally decided on a blue shirt the same color as my eyes and hastily got dressed. I headed for Chai’s room and anxiously smoothed my hair before knocking. I had been waiting for three days to see him again and now I was so nervous I wanted to run away.
After a couple of seconds the door glided open and Chai stood before me. He was even more gorgeous than I remembered, dressed in a casual white shirt and jeans instead of the usual black uniform. Damp hair hung carelessly across his forehead and he smelled of soap, like he just taken a shower. I inhaled deeply, resisting the overwhelming urge to fling myself into his arms. For a moment he looked at me with his warm brown eyes, his lips tilting into a smile and then it was as if a switch flipped inside him. His face turned to stone. It was like a mask slid across his face and he folded his arms across his chest as he leant against the door frame.
“Hi,” I said hesitantly. He didn’t look happy at all to see me and I shifted uncomfortably on the balls of my feet. This was not how I imagined it would be when I saw him again. I wanted to touch him, hold him, and not feel like I was staring at a stone wall.
“What are you doing here?” he asked bluntly and it felt as if he slapped me. I didn’t understand this coldness emanating from him.
“You’re back,” I said awkwardly. He didn’t show any emotion as he watched me. It was like he turned into a freaking statue.
“Yeah, I came back this morning.” Something was seriously wrong with him. Three days ago he held me in his arms and now it was as if a stranger stood before me. He’s been back for hours and he didn’t come looking for me. Maybe he was tired. I bit my lower lip nervously.
“I missed you.” I cringed. I sounded so pathetic. For a split second something flashed in his eyes and then it was gone.
“Can
we talk later?” he asked coolly. I wanted to shake him. Where was the Chai I knew? Why wasn’t he happy to see me?
“I thought that maybe you’re hungry or we can go for a walk.” Talking to him was getting more painful by the minute.
“It’s not a good time, Lexie,” he answered cold and unyielding.
“I don’t understand. What’s going on?” My voice pleaded with him. What happened to him? The Chai I knew would never be so cold.
“Nothing. This is a bad time. You have to go.” A muscle popped in his jaw, his eyes as hard and barren as the desert. A lump formed in my throat and I swallowed hard.
“Why’s she here?” a shrill voice interrupted him. Emily appeared behind him and draped herself on Chai’s arm and eyed me with such open hatred that I gasped. She was barefoot and wore the shortest pair of shorts I had ever seen and a tiny tank top left her midriff bare. I watched the intimate way her hand strolled over his chest.
“She’s leaving,” Chai said and avoided my eyes. His hand moved around her waist and rested on her hip. Nasty reality dawned on me. He had been back a whole day and he didn’t come looking for me - instead he made plans with Emily; the same Emily that was my best friend, the same girl that hated me and tried to make my life a living hell since I got here. I was the biggest fool on the face of the earth.
“Why don’t you go and play with the other kids and leave us grown-ups alone,” she said, her voice dripping with venom.
“Lexie, please go,” Chai added.
My eyes blurred with unshed tears and I couldn’t look at them anymore. I left them standing there. Emily’s laughter followed me down the corridor, while tears streamed down my face.
I groaned as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I hadn’t slept at all last night and dark bruises were beneath my eyes. I could hear Emily’s high pitched laugh till the early morning hours. The wall between our rooms was too thin to mask the noises from next door. He treated me like I was nothing to him. He kissed me and held me. Apparently it meant nothing to him. It was all a lie. How could I have been so stupid? I thought he cared about me and now it was obvious he didn’t. And Emily – she was my best friend. Was she so angry at me that she used the one thing that could hurt me the most and shoved it into my face?
Sometime during the night I became angry. No, I was furious with myself and him. I was angry at the Vandelrizi and my father. I was angry at all the times I had felt helpless and weak. The Vandelrizi had taken away all control we had over our lives and I was tired of living like this. I was tired of being pushed around. I determinedly pressed my lips together. I would never allow anyone to hurt me again.
I stormed to Arianna’s room and knocked on the door. She opened the door and her eyes narrowed when she saw me.
“You look like hell,” she said and ushered me inside. She looked disapprovingly at my uncombed hair that I had shoved absentmindedly into a messy ponytail on my head.
She pulled the elastic band from my hair and made me sit on a chair. She produced a brush and started untangling my long hair. I winced as she pulled the knots from the strands.
“Did Chai keep you up all night?” she asked with a chuckle and I cringed.
“No, he had other plans.” Her hands stilled in my hair and she frowned at me in the mirror on the table in front of us. She started to braid my hair. “I didn’t come here to talk about Chai. I wanted to ask you a favor.”
“What can I do for you?”
“Can you train me?” Arianna wrinkled her nose as she pinned the intricate braid to my head.
“You want to break someone’s legs?” she asked and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“No! I don’t want to break anyone’s legs. I want to learn how to defend myself.” She eyed me suspiciously as if she didn’t believe me.
“You want to learn how to fight?”
“Yes. I think it’s time I learned how to fight,” I explained. “And you’re training the rebels for battle. I’m one of them now. I should train too.”
She was quiet for a few moments considering my request. “I can understand how you feel. If I had a father like you…let’s just say it makes being an orphan doesn’t sound that bad.”
“You’re an orphan?” I asked surprised. I thought she had a family waiting for her at home.
“My family’s here with me.” It was strange seeing her so serious for a change. “Gaios, Chai and me were recruited as soldiers from an orphanage on our planet. We’ve always been together. They’re my family.” Chai had said the same to me before he left. Gaios and Arianna was his family. Now it made sense. They were all orphans. They didn’t have a family, only each other. Even though I was furious with Chai, I still felt sorry for him. It must have been hard growing up without parents. At least I had my mother for a while.
“I didn’t know.” Apparently there was a lot I didn’t know about them.
“It’s not a big deal,” she said and flipped her hair over her shoulder. “I understand why you want to train and of course I’ll help you.” Impulsively I jumped up and hugged her. She was stunned for a moment, and then she laughed and hugged me back.
I was relieved THAT Chai and Emily weren’t at the mess hall. I wasn’t in the mood to face either of them after yesterday. I was too angry and humiliated. After the late night they had, they were probably sleeping in. It killed me to think of them together in Chai’s bed. Gaios joined us and instead of gulping down his food like usual, he watched me intently.
“Are you okay?” he finally asked. I reigned in my anger and nodded. He obviously knew about Chai and Emily.
“Okay, what’s going on that I don’t know about?” Arianna asked and eyed us suspiciously, dropping her fork on the table.
“Chai’s…” Gaios hesitated as if searching for the right words.
“Chai’s with Emily,” I finished his sentence for him. The sooner everybody knew the better and I could put it behind me.
“What do you mean Chai is with Emily?” Her brow furrowed and then it dawned on her. “You don’t mean…what the hell is wrong with him? It’s impossible for him to be with her. You’re his prijatelj. Did the little tramp bewitch him?”
Gaios gave Arianna a long hard look and I wondered if they were communicating with each other in their minds like Chai had done with me. Arianna turned away and pressed her lips together. She attacked the piece of bread on her plate with her knife and fork as if it was still alive.
“Lexie, I’m sorry,” Gaios said. I hated the pity I saw in his eyes.
“Chai can be with whoever he wants to be. I don’t care.” The look Gaios gave me told me that he didn’t believe me, but he let it go and focused on the lump of baked liver on his plate. I lost my appetite and shoved my plate towards him.
Training with two aliens with superpowers was much harder than I had anticipated. Gaios agreed to help train me without as much as a second thought. They both were very patient with me even if I had to be the slowest and most uncoordinated student they ever had to train. Arianna showed me how to move and block attacks using every part of my body. Gaios played the role of an attacker and I was more than once in awe of how gracefully he could move his big frame. He held back and tried to move slower for my benefit, but I was totally hopeless and ended up on my back on the training mats more times than I could count.
It was after lunch that Chai strolled into the gym. A group of rebels were already waiting for him and he dived right into a sparring session with them. Not once did he look at me or acknowledge me in any way. It was as if I didn’t exist. It hurt.
Gaios tried to demonstrate a round house kick to me, but I was too distracted to pay attention. The mere presence of Chai in the same room as me made me even clumsier and I lost my footing more than once. I kept glancing at him and I was so preoccupied that a kick from Gaios, even a tortoise could have dodged, slammed straight into my stomach and I lurched forward, wheezing and coughing.
In a blink of an eye Chai was next to me.
“C
an’t you be more careful?” he snapped at Gaios.
“Shit, Lexie. Are you okay?” Gaios asked concerned, squatting on his haunches beside me.
“It’s not his fault.” I wheezed and pressed a hand on my stomach. “I’m fine. I just need a sec to catch my breath.” I was lucky Gaios was holding back, otherwise I would have been minus a few vital organs. I pushed myself upright.
“I’m really sorry,” Gaios said and I felt bad for him. It wasn’t his fault. I was the one not paying attention. He and Chai exchanged a few heated glances and then he stalked off to where Arianna stood watching us with wide eyes.
“Not everyone’s cut out for this, Lexie,” Chai said and anger rolled through me in huge waves.
“Are you saying I’m too weak to do this?” I stretched myself to my full length in front of him, lifting my chin.
“It’s not what I meant.” He gave an exasperated sigh. “You’re different than everyone else. You’re …” He hesitated, searching for the right word.
“I’m special?” I immediately regretted saying it, but I was so angry and hurt that I couldn’t stop myself.
“Yes. You’re special,” he said softly and my head reeled. Yesterday afternoon I was so special that he chased me from his room to be with Emily.
“Why don’t you tell it to her and leave me alone.” I jerked my head toward Emily. She stood at the door of the gym and her annoyance at seeing Chai with me, was very obvious. She impatiently tapped a shoe on the floor. She pouted and her arms were crossed over her chest. Immediately a frosty mask shifted over Chai’s face. I couldn’t understand it. Every time Emily was near he turned to stone.
“I know you’re angry with me,” he said icily, his eyes darting away from mine and he stared intently at a brown smudge on the otherwise spotless wall. “You misunderstood things between us. I was trying to help. You were hurt and scared. I felt sorry for you.”
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