“You pumped that shit into our daughter for six fucking months and on top of that you went back to that nigga. How long have yall been fucking?” Hoping to salvage our relationship, I told him the truth.
“We only had sex once. The night I told you the car was stolen.” When he stood up, I knew he was about to go off.
“How could you let him do this to us? I gave you everything. When everybody was looking at me like a damn dummy, I still stayed by your side. I never treated you like a fucking junky. Why would you go back?”
“I didn’t mean to. I saw him on my birthday and he convinced me to take a hit to celebrate my day. Baby I’m sorry, I wasn’t prepared to turn down drugs if it was put in my presence.”
“You shouldn’t have been with him in the first place.” He was screaming again. He was right though, I should have never met up with him.
“For the record, we are done. You can’t be trusted to not get high, so when you have this baby I will be seeking full custody. I’m going to pay for you your own place, but I promise you if you even look like you drove past a drug spot I am going to kill you myself. You will get to know the real me. The problem is I was soft with you. In my eyes, you were delicate. Which made me treat you like you were fragile. Somewhere along the way, you took that as me being soft. Ask that nigga Sosa who the fuck I am and he will tell you don’t try me. I’ll give the keys and the address to your parents, don’t fucking hit my line until you are in labor.” He walked out the door and I was scared shitless. He was right, I took advantage of him because I thought he was soft, a good guy. But I was slowly starting to see, I didn’t know him at all. The best part of me just walked out that door and told me we were done, but I was going to show him that I can be the woman he thought I was. I’m going to get my man back if it’s the last thing I do. He couldn’t stay mad at me forever. He loves me too much.
****
Even though Deleon was mad at me, he hooked my place up. It was fully furnished and I couldn’t be happier, all I needed was him to make things complete. Without the drugs in my system, my belly had finally gotten big and I looked every bit of six months. I guess the baby was finally able to grow. Even though he told me not to call him, I reached out and asked him if we could talk. He agreed and was on his way over here. I made sure I had my hair done and I was fresh out the shower. If he loved me like he says he does, then this shouldn’t be that hard to get my man back. He had a key, so I didn’t know when he would actually come. I knew he kept a key so he could just pop up and make sure I wasn’t getting high, but that didn’t bother me. I’ve only had one visitor and that was Sosa. Not to get any drugs, but I had him bring my keys and my car back. He was pissed.
“The only reason you called me over here was for me to bring you this car?”
“Yes, with me being pregnant I needed to have my car to make it to my appointments. You tricked me and you had the car this whole time.”
“I didn’t trick you. Your ass did what you wanted to do. I paid him so he gave me the car. The fuck is you trying to say? You think we done?”
“Yes Sosa, we are done. After thinking back on everything I realized it’s the drugs. I was only addicted to you because I am addicted to the drugs. Our sex is only intense because of the drugs.”
“You think so? You’re sober now so let’s see.”
“No, Sosa. You have to leave. I lost everything behind you and I can’t do this anymore. I have a baby to think about. Please just go.”
“You ain’t lost everything yet.” He walked out slamming the door.
I was finally strong enough to close that chapter in my life. It was time to try and get my family back. When I saw the door open, my stomach got butterflies. I was nervous, but I was ready to put it all on the line. He was staggering and you can tell he was drunk.
“Why the fuck you got on them lil ass clothes?” Ignoring his snide remarks, I tried to soften the mood.
“Listen baby, I know I fucked up, but I promise I’m ready to do right for our family. Don’t give up on me.” he didn’t respond, he just kept staring at me. Finally walking over to me, he spoke.
“Take those off.” Happy he wanted to have sex with me, I did as I was told. He didn’t even bother taking me to the room. He bent me over the couch and entered me. I wasn’t even wet, but I took it if it meant getting my man back. He was ramming inside of me and I tried my best to take it. This was the first time he was rough with me and I didn’t know how to feel. Trying to readjust myself, he pushed me down making me take it. As soon as I started enjoying it and getting wet, he was done. I felt his body shake and he pulled out of me. Pulling his pants up, he walked towards the door.
“You’re leaving?” He turned around and I could see the hurt in his eyes. Reaching in his pocket, he pulled out some money.
“My bad, I forgot to pay you. If you even think about buying drugs with this money you will regret it.” He treated me like I was a fucking prostitute. Getting my shit together, I realized it was going to take a little while longer. He was still hurting and I had to give him time.
****
Today was Jess’s funeral and I was a mess. I hadn’t talked to Deleon since the night he came over. Trying my best to stay strong, I kept thinking about the baby I was carrying inside of me. Knowing I couldn’t relapse, I got my shit together and walked out the door to watch my best friend get buried. When I arrived, her parents were in the front screaming and crying like they had been good to her. I can’t even tell you the last time Jess had seen them. When they saw me, her mother faked collapsed in my arms.
“Auri, I can’t believe she is gone. You have to sit up here with us. She was your family too.” Nodding my head at her, I walked to the casket. It finally hit me that besides my parents, I had no one. My best friend was lying in a box. My body started shaking and I knew I was about to hit the ground. Feeling someone grab me, I looked up and Deleon had caught me. Hugging him, I never wanted to let him go. But I had to so I wouldn’t cause a scene. When he sat me down, I looked up and noticed he was with a woman.
“The fuck?” I said it louder than I meant to. He moved along and hugged Jess’s parents, then took his seat. The entire funeral I heard nothing because I couldn’t keep my eyes off Deleon and this woman. As soon as we were done, I was going to find out who she was.
After the funeral, I walked over to them and looked at him like he was crazy.
“Who is this?”
“This is my friend Hannah.” He started back talking to her like I was invisible.
“Why did you bring her here?” Looking aggravated, he turned to me.
“Because I wanted to. Anything else?” Trying to stop the tears from falling over, I whispered hoping they didn’t fall.
“Are you trying to make me relapse? Is this what we have come to? I love you, but I can’t let you hurt me. I have to stay strong for the baby.”
“Go home and I’ll meet you there.” Walking away feeling defeated, I stopped fighting and let the tears fall as I got in my car.
CHAPTER 33- DELEON
Me and Auri relationship is now so complicated, I don’t know what to call it. When she asked me at the funeral was I trying to make her relapse the shit broke my heart. Hannah was brought to the funeral to piss her off, not to make her relapse. When I came up with the idea, I hadn’t even thought about that. When I met her back at the apartment, she was balled up on the floor crying and talking to herself.
“You can get through this. Just stay strong you can get through this.” Hearing that shit broke me down. I sat down beside her and tried to comfort her.
“I’m sorry baby girl.”
“Why would you want to hurt me like that? I never intentionally hurt you. I was burying my best friend and you thought it would be okay to add onto the pain I was already feeling.”
“It wasn’t okay and I’m an ass for that. All I was thinking about was hurting you the same way you hurt me, but I know better. I want you to be okay for our child and I shouldn�
��t have added on to your stress. If you would have given in, then I would be no better than Sosa.” Still crying, I didn’t think. I just kissed her. Next thing you know, I was carrying her to the bed and I was making love to her. Unlike last time, I spent the night. When we woke up she looked hopeful and I felt like shit. I had no intentions on getting back with Auri. When she had the baby, I was still going through with the custody hearing. I just couldn’t trust her like that. She had proven to me that even when shit is good, she will go back to her old life. What’s going to happen if shit is bad. I couldn’t put my child through that.
“I have to go, let me know when your next doctor appointment is.” Looking heartbroken, I had to turn my head and walk out or I would give in. This girl still held my heart and I had to find a way to get her out of it.
Since that night, I have been going over there on occasion having sex with her. I told myself it was just to bust a nut, but if I would have been honest with myself, I would have known it was because I didn’t want to let her go. Auri finally came downstairs and got in the car, we were heading to the doctor to check on the baby. She went more than she usually would, but they were trying to make sure the drugs didn’t do any real damage to the baby and that she was growing how she should. When we pulled up to the hospital I was nervous. They were going to give us the test results letting us know if the baby would have down syndrome. We sat in the office and the doctor came in with the results.
“Hello mommy and daddy, how are you feeling today?”
“Fine.” We both said it dry as hell. We just wanted this over with.
“Baby girl is doing fine and there are no signs of her having a condition. Just keep doing what you are doing and everything should go smoothly. Now, do you want to see your baby girl?” Nodding yes, I got excited. This was my first time seeing something like this and I couldn’t contain the happiness I felt. Auri got up on the table and the doctor rubbed her with some blue gel. She placed some kind of monitor on her and we could now hear the heartbeat.
“She is going to be a sassy one. She has her legs crossed.” We laughed and continued to look at the screen. I had never seen something so beautiful in my life. With tears in my eyes, I hugged Auri.
“Thank you. No matter what we go through I will always thank you for giving me my baby girl.”
“I’m going to print you out a few copies to take home.” Grabbing Auri hand, I saw her in a different light. Nothing was going to change, but I would always love her for this. When we walked out of the office, I was still holding her hand and smiling at the pics. When I heard someone clear their voice. Looking up, Hannah was standing there looking at me like she wanted to cry.
“I can’t believe this shit.” She was practically yelling.
“We will talk about this later.” As we walked off, I looked at Auri and she was pissed as well. This shit was happening too much.
“Tomorrow call around for a new doctor. Not in this hospital, somewhere else.” She got in the car and slammed the door. This shit was going to be harder than I thought.
****
Sitting outside of Hannah’s house, I almost turned around and went back home. Today was supposed to be a happy day and I had to argue with two women. Both of their ass was down my throat about the other. Crazy part is, I wasn’t with either of them. Getting out the car, I decided to get the shit over with. She didn’t open the door all the way before she went in on my ass.
“You must think I’m good and stupid. I’m not about to play these games while you go back and forth.”
“It was my first time seeing the baby, I was happy and in the moment. Me and Auri are not together, but me and you aren’t either. We agreed to try and build our friendship and see where it goes, but that’s it. I can do what the hell I want because I’m single. That is the mother of my child and she will always be that no matter what.”
“Do you still love her?” I knew the water works were about to come.
“Of course I still love her.” Just as I thought, the tears came streaming down. “But that doesn’t mean I am going to be with her. I’m going through a lot and I’m trying to take this shit one day at a time, but I don’t have the answers.”
“I can’t sit around and wait for you to choose her.”
“That’s fine and that’s your choice, I understand completely.” Getting up, I walked towards the door.
“I hope your junky stays clean for the baby.” Before I knew it, I had her by her throat. Slamming her against the wall, I lost it.
“Say it again. I dare you to.” She couldn’t repeat it if she wanted to, I had my hand so tight around her neck her eye balls were hanging out. “I told you once to watch your mouth. There won’t be another time. Lose my fucking number for real this time, because any bitch that pushes me to put my hand on them, don’t need to be around me.” Letting her go, I walked out of her place. These hoes ain’t got no manners, was the last thought I had as I jumped in my car and headed to my mom’s place. I wanted to show her a picture of her first grandchild. I never told her the reason me and Auri broke up, but I know my mom. She has figured it out, but she loves me enough not to rub it in my face or say I told you so. She knows I need time to heal, the only thing is I’m not sure I want to. If I let go of all the hurt Auri caused me, I would be back with her in a heartbeat. When I’m around her, I play the hard role. If I didn’t I would be moving her ass back in, but I had to stay strong. The safety of my baby is more important than the love I have in my heart. For the second time in my life, I had to let Auri go.
CHAPTER 34- AURI
This pregnancy was kicking my ass, but Deleon and his mixed emotions were worse. One day it would seem as if we were on track and working it out and then I wouldn’t hear from him for days. He would just pop up and we would have sex. He always spent the night, but the next morning he would get up and leave and I wouldn’t hear from him. No matter how many times I would call his phone, he would not answer. Stressing about this shit was causing me to have pains in my stomach. I have been walking around the house all day trying to ease them. The shit was not working. Calling him again, I hoped he answered because I was starting to think something was wrong. Dialing his number, I hoped he would pick up, but when his voice mail started up I was left disappointed again. Continuing to walk, the pain stopped and I was relieved, until I felt the fluids running down my legs. Now blowing his phone up, I called ten times before I realized he wasn’t going to answer. Finally giving up, I called 911 and told them I needed an ambulance. Grabbing my bag I had packed for labor, I waited in the front room until they got there. As I waited on them to arrive, I continued to call Deleon and each time I got the voicemail. Crying, I realized I was going to have this baby by myself. The ambulance finally arrived and they rushed me to the hospital. Setting me up in a room, I started getting nervous. It was too late to call my parents and drag them out of their beds and I started crying at the thought of doing this alone. The doctor came in and checked me.
“Okay mommy you are seven centimeters dilated. It won’t be long before you are pushing your baby girl out. I am going to send the anesthetist in to give you an epidural.”
“No drugs.” I didn’t mean to scream it, but I didn’t want any more drugs in my system. “I’m a recovering addict and I don’t want to risk putting any drugs in my system.” Nodding her head in approval she got ready to leave the room.
“Thank you. I don’t hear that often and it’s nice to see the mother thinking about their child over their own needs. Congrats on your sobriety.” After thanking her, she walked out of the room and left me to my pain. Closing my eyes, I hoped it wasn’t as bad as people made it seem.
After thirty minutes, I was damn near begging for the drugs. The doctor would just hold my hand and tell me it’s okay I can do it. She checked me again and she looked at me and smiled.
“It’s time mommy are you ready.” Crying, I managed to nod my head up and down. The pain was damn near unbearable, but I needed to do this. I neede
d to show Deleon I was strong. “When I count to three I need you to give me one hard push okay.” Nodding my head again, I got ready to do as she asked. The door flew open and Deleon was sweating and out of breath.
“I made it baby girl.” Not saying one word, I continued to cry and wait for the doctor to count down. Once she said three I pushed as hard as I could. The pain almost ripped me in half, but Deleon kept rubbing my head and whispering in my ear.
“You got this baby girl. I know you can do it. I’m here and it’s going to be okay.” After two more pushes, our baby girl had arrived. Smiling I looked over to Deleon and kissed him on the cheek.
“I did it. I can’t believe I’m a mom.” He hugged me while we waited for them to clean her off.
“Daddy you would be proud to know, she wouldn’t take the pain meds in fear that she would relapse. She did good and I’m happy for you two.” Smiling at me, he kissed me a million times. They finally brought her over and she was the prettiest baby alive. She looked just like her daddy with a head full of hair.
“Baby girl, have you thought of a name yet?”
“Faith.” Shaking his head in agreeance, we laid there all night holding our baby girl. For the first time in a long time, things felt right. We had all night to ourselves. Just me, him, and the baby.
****
Morning came and my parents and his mom were now here. They were more excited than us. Nobody wanted to give her up for the next person to hold her. Deleon’s mom Joann decided to dampen the mood.
“I hope you two can get it together now and gone and be together. This baby needs both parents in her life.” I know she meant well, but I was not ready for the answer Deleon gave next.
“Both parents will always be in her life as long as Auri stays clean, but the baby will live with me.” I know my daddy wanted to say something because his mouth tightened letting me know he was fighting back his words.
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