by Nick Kove
Mum stared at him.
‘Good, you’re here—’ Nik saw Mum—and he stared back. ‘Oh.’
Well, shit.
The cat’s out of the bag now.
It had to be, with him coming in my window, what she’d found under my bed and his general looks.
‘I’m sorry, I can go—’ Nik motioned back to the window.
‘No, that’s okay.’ Mum stood, smiling slightly at the both of us. ‘We’ll talk more later, okay?’ With that, she left.
All air left me and I fell back on the bed.
‘You all right?’ Nik approached slowly. ‘Should I have texted before I came in? I didn’t mean to—’
‘No, it’s okay.’
I hope so, anyway.
‘Has she mentioned anything about—?’ He motioned towards the floor under the bed.
‘No.’ Thank fuck. ‘Nothing.’
‘She hasn’t asked about it at all?’ He sat down tentatively next to me.
‘Not about that.’ I couldn’t even say it out loud. ‘She’s worried. She probably thinks I’m going to try and off myself again because I spend all my time in here. So, I told her what I do. That I write.’
‘Did you tell her what you write?’
‘No. Didn’t get to that part. You arrived.’ Thank fuck for that too, now I came to think about it. ‘Even if you hadn’t, I wouldn’t have told her what exactly what it is I write. That would only lead to a conversation about…’
Now it was my turn to motioned towards that damn box. Maybe I should just get rid of it all. It wasn’t like I used it much anymore, anyway. Solo sex wasn’t any fun.
‘She didn’t seem weird. I mean, if she did see your sex toys stash and she wasn’t okay with it, she wouldn’t be acting like all’s fine right?’
‘I don’t know.’ Mum had always been a little passive-aggressive. I wasn’t sure if she was now though.
Nik stretched out next to me, elbow braced on the bed and head resting in his palm as he gazed down at me.
‘Want me to cheer you up?’
‘How do you figure you’re going to do that?’
‘Getting naked would be a good start.’ He slipped his hand under my jumper, fingers travelling down my treasure trail and under the waistband of my joggers.
I liked the sound of that. I really did, but… there was one thing we still hadn’t got around to. Me sucking him off. I wanted to do it, I wanted to try, but I was too much of a coward to suggest it.
When he shimmied down my body and wrapped his lips around me, I gasped. Then closed my eyes and just enjoyed his expert mouth. It didn’t take long. If he wasn’t so fucking good at this, I might’ve been embarrassed by coming so quickly, but as it was, he had such an amazing mouth.
‘Liked that, did you?’ He brushed his lips against mine.
Of course I did.
I grabbed his neck and pulled him against me, deepening the kiss. That he’d just sucked me off didn’t matter at all.
‘Stay here tonight?’ I asked once we broke apart, but we were still close enough for me to nip playfully at his lower lip.
‘Mmm.’ He straddled my hips, my naked hips because he hadn’t pulled my joggers up to cover my junk after he blew me. ‘On one condition.’
‘What condition?’ Was this going to be something good or something bad?
‘That you come out with me tonight.’ He wiggled his jeans-covered arse against my crotch.
I hissed because it was really sensitive down there right after an orgasm.
‘Out where?’
‘Out on the town. It’s Long Friday, there’s going to be so many people about.’ He pulled his shirt off, baring his toned, tanned torso for me to ogle. ‘Come out with me and I’ll shag you all day and all night.’
‘Sure, I’ll go out with you. If you go home with me.’ I ran my hands up his thighs. I wished he’d take his jeans off too.
He chuckled.
‘Deal, Glenn.’
I grabbed him and flipped us over. He relaxed into the sheets, arms locking loosely around my shoulders and legs wrapping around my hips.
‘Get these bloody jeans off.’ I wanted him naked against me.
He laughed and pushed against my shoulder.
‘You got to get off me then.’
I did roll over on my back, but only so he could get out of those skinny jeans—and so I could be rid of my own clothes. Once we were both naked I was back in-between his legs, naked skin rubbing against naked skin, and our lips locked in one hot and heavy kiss. A kiss that never ended. A kiss I didn’t want to end.
He said we’d shag all day and night, but fuck it, I could kiss him all day and night. Not that I’d ever say no to a fuck, but still.
After a while, he pushed on my shoulders again.
‘It’s cold in here.’ He shuddered. ‘I forgot to close the window properly.’
‘For fuck’s sake.’ I groaned as I pushed up off him. I walked over the floor to close the window bare arse naked.
Nik laughed where he still lay on his back.
‘Don’t let your dick shrivel up in the cold. I’m going to need it.’
‘Shut up.’ But I smiled as I said it.
He only laughed harder.
‘Get lube and condoms, would you?’
‘You’re so bossy.’ That didn’t stop me from stooping down to drag the box out from under the bed though. Nor from getting exactly what he asked for.
‘Make that more than one condom. Like, three at least.’
I grabbed a handful, straightened up, and dropped them all on top of him.
‘That enough?’
He ripped one open.
‘Should be. Just barely.’
‘Cheeky.’
‘You like it.’ He said it matter-of-factly—and it was. Because I did like it. I liked him. Way too much.
He sat up to roll the rubber on me and lube it all up, before flopping back down and spreading his legs.
Well, I didn’t need more invitation than that.
The club was crowded, the atmosphere heavy but good. People milled about, many danced, most were gathered around the bar or the tables spread around. It should be great, but… it wasn’t.
A big part of it was because Nik was wearing one of those outrageous shirts of his—and tonight’s said I LOVE COCK. It had a picture of the damn animal under it, but everyone who saw the shirt and who looked at him as a whole knew perfectly well it wasn’t about a bloody chicken.
I didn’t particularly want to be seen with him, but at the same time, I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. He was outrageous and out-there, but he had this confidence about him I envied. And he was handsome. I just wanted to go back home, drag him with me, and bury into bed again. Fuck under the sheets like we did earlier.
We’d spent all evening in bed together—and all had been well. Until now.
‘Rum and Coke?’ Nik yelled into my ear.
I nodded, and he leant over the bar to give our orders to the bartender. She whipped the drinks up in no time and I drank half mine in one gulp.
‘Whoa, take it easy there.’ Nik leant against my side, all happy and smiling.
I felt so fucking guilty for being uncomfortable around him in public.
‘I’m not dragging your arse home if you get pissed,’ he warned playfully.
‘Don’t worry,’ I promised, leaning slightly against him too. ‘You won’t have to.’ But I still drained the rest of my drink in one go.
‘Yeah, right,’ Nik said—I could barely hear it over the thumping music.
I motioned for the bartender to get me another one and she nodded she understood. I handed over a hundred, got the change back, and immediately tipped the drink to my lips.
Nik’s arm slid across my shoulders and his lips brushed my ear.
‘You all right?’
I nodded quickly. Here he was worried about me and all that was wrong was that I was slowly dying of embarrassment—and then guilt because of that.
I didn’t deserve it. So very far from it.
All was good back in my bedroom when it was just the two of us and the rest of the world had no idea what we were up to. But out here, surrounded by people—and not even people I knew at that—it crushed me. The knowledge that he was a guy, a guy I liked a lot, that he was so obviously gay, and that I didn’t want people to know I liked dick.
‘I’m going to go dance,’ he shouted then.
I only nodded, and he moved away. I tilted my head slightly to the side to watch his back disappear into the throng of people on the dance floor.
I dearly wished the time was there for the bars and clubs to close, but it was two hours until we had to leave. I wanted to leave badly, but considering we’d just arrived, and paid for entry, I didn’t think he’d want to leave yet. He was the one who absolutely wanted to go out too, so he definitely wouldn’t be in for heading home early.
I jumped in surprise as a big, beefy hand settled on my shoulder. When I turned, my heart jumped into my throat too.
‘Marcus?’
He stared at me with narrowed eyes.
‘What’re you doing with that poofter?’ He nodded his head towards the dance-floor.
I didn’t dare look that way. All I could do was stare at Marcus, panicked and terrified.
He didn’t seem happy.
‘You’re around queers a lot, aren’t you?’ He leant in, all big and menacing. ‘Andreas, that sissy of his… which was the reason you hit me last year. And now that one?’ He pointed now, but the crowd on the dance floor was so thick I couldn’t see Nik.
That’s right.
I did hit Marcus.
That was back last May when we’d celebrated being graduates. We’d all been drunk, I’d talked with Alex or danced with him or something and then Marcus had been there and we’d ended up in a fistfight.
‘Can’t I have friends?’ I forced out through a clenched jaw.
‘Poofs?’ he spat, and his hand tightened on my shoulder to the point of pain.
I wrenched it off and took a step back. I didn’t want to be near him. I couldn’t tell if he was sober, or drunk, or high, but no matter what he was, he was dangerous.
‘My friends are my friends. I don’t care who they like—’
He shoved me so hard I stumbled into two girls standing behind me. Their drinks splashed down their dresses and my shirt.
‘I’m sorry,’ I told them but instantly turned back to Marcus. Standing with my back to him was never a good idea. ‘Drop it, would you?’
His expression was stormy and I knew he wouldn’t drop it. He’d pursue this until it turned nasty. The best thing to do, for me and for everyone around, was to remove myself from the situation.
I left.
But he followed—a menacing presence behind my back, and when we were outside he grabbed me and shoved me up against the side of the building.
‘What the fuck is your problem?’ I shoved at him now, staring at his eyes. There was a light right above us, so I could clearly see his pupils were dilated.
On drugs then.
‘You hanging around with these poofs.’
‘Why does it bother you? They’re my friends!’
I had no idea why he was such a damn homophobe. Why he’d seen fit to bash Alex in the head when it was Andreas who was my best friend. Why not him? Was it because Andreas didn’t look gay? Not that Alex did, but he was smaller and leaner than both Andreas and me.
‘It’s disgusting.’ He didn’t move closer to me but his hands clenched and unclenched, which I didn’t find particularly safe. I’d already been hit in the face once a few days ago—but Marcus would do a whole lot more damage than Nik ever could.
‘So, what? It’s not you they’re fucking.’ Why should he be judge, jury and executioner? What did it matter to him who other people wanted to sleep with? As long as their advances weren’t towards him, it was absolutely none of his business.
He took a step closer, looming over me.
‘Is anyone fucking you?’
My heart beat a mile a minute. If it beat any faster it would beat out of my chest.
‘I’m not gay,’ I said forcefully.
‘You better not be.’
I was trapped there when he braced his arms on both sides of my head. He could smash my head against the brick wall if he wanted. I wouldn’t put it past him.
‘So, why were you all cosied up with that damn poofter in there?’
‘I wasn’t.’ My voice shook—and it made me almost as ashamed as the lie I was telling him. ‘I don’t really know him. He’s Ben’s friend. You know, the guy you just beat up. Andreas’s cousin.’ I couldn’t help that dig, but my anxiety ratcheted up to choke me.
His eyes narrowed.
‘He deserved it. You know what he said?’
I swallowed. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
‘He said he’d sucked your dick. That he’d do mine too.’
Shit, shit, shit.
‘If he’s sucked your dick, that makes you something, Glenn. And if it’s true, that you’ve let him do that to you, certainly you’ve let that other queer do it too, right?’
Go away!
I wanted to lash out at him but I couldn’t get my arms to move.
He spit on the ground in front of me.
‘You’re fucking disgusting.’
‘It’s not true!’ I took a step to the side, away from him. ‘I’m not gay. I’m not.’
‘Sure you’re not.’ He didn’t seem to believe me at all.
I didn’t believe me, so why should he, right? I was the biggest coward in the whole damn town. And I couldn’t get away from it, because I was too fucking embarrassed about it, to tell the truth. And I was afraid of Marcus and what he’d do.
I was afraid what Mum and Dad would say.
If Marcus went completely mental, would they help him out of it like they did when he bashed Alex? Or would they be on my side? I didn’t dare find out because I was afraid of that answer. Afraid it was the wrong one.
‘You’re going to go back in to that little poof of yours, aren’t you?’ He spat on the ground again. ‘Let him suck you off? Stick his dick in you? Right? That’s what you’re all about.’
I couldn’t read him, couldn’t tell what his endgame was. Couldn’t tell what the fuck he was going to do—and it scared the life out of me. That my own brother was such a psycho I had no idea where we stood, what he’d do if he found out the truth…
‘I’m not. Going in there. I’m not.’ I couldn’t risk it, not with him here and high on whatever drugs he was taking. I should go home, tell Mum he was using again, but I feared what he’d do then too. ‘I’m going home. This isn’t the right scene for me.’
‘Yeah, run back home, Glenn.’ He took several steps back, but that glower didn’t leave his face. ‘Run back to your room. Just stay locked up in there like you usually do and let the people who can actually handle the world be out in it. You’re good for nothing else anyway.’
Well, he was right about that.
I left—and I didn’t dare look back. He didn’t follow me, thankfully, but that wasn’t reassuring at all. Because Nik was still back there and he was on Marcus’s radar.
I should go back. Make sure he made it home safe, that Marcus didn’t do anything to him. I didn’t know what I’d do if Marcus hurt him. But I didn’t dare. Fear and shame mixed together into a blend of emotions that kept me walking steadfastly home.
I walked past the front door, not up for seeing my parents. The light was on in the living room, so they were up and around, and just no, I couldn’t.
My window was unlatched, as usual, so I pushed it open, jumped down into my room, and then latched it properly behind me. I locked my door too, for good measure.
My forehead thumped against the wood as the lock clicked. The tears were hot and heavy as they trickled down my cheeks and I hit the wall to try and feel som
ething besides shame and terror. It didn’t work—so I hit the wall again. And again and again and again, until the white wall were covered in trails of blood.
I sunk to the floor and curled up on myself, sobbing into my kneecaps.
My phone pinged in my pocket and I fished it out with a shaking hand—the one I hadn’t hit the wall repeatedly with. It was a text message from Nik and it only made me feel ten times worse.
If only I hadn’t been saved last year. If only they’d let me die, like I wanted, I wouldn’t have to go through this. I wouldn’t have to put him through this. But life was unfair.
Even when I tried to end it, it fucked with me. I was tired of it. So fucking tired. I didn’t know what to do anymore.
Nikolai: You’re such a fucking arsehole.
4
Fuck You
Saturday, 30th March 2013
Me: I’m sorry.
Me: I’m sorry, okay?
Me: I’m so sorry, Nik.
He didn’t answer.
Since it was a text message and not on Facebook—I didn’t have Nik on my Facebook—I didn’t even know if he’d seen it. Or if he’d been online. I didn’t know anything. And I knew no one who could know something. Nik was the only one I’d talked to in days, and now he wasn’t talking to me.
Knock, knock, knock.
I groaned, used to that damn knocking by now, but so not ready for it.
‘Glenn? I’ve got your meds.’
I couldn’t ignore her. If I did, she’d think I was lying dead in here and she’d ring for a bloody ambulance and somehow get the door open—even if she had to knock it down.
We couldn’t have that.
I rolled out of bed, unlocked the door, and shuffled back into bed again.
She came into the room hesitantly.
‘Glenn?’
‘Just give me the damn pills.’ I held my hand out for them. I wanted to get this over with so she’d leave me alone to drown in guilt.
She put them in my hand and gave me a glass of water.
‘There.’ I put the glass on my bedside table when I was done with it. ‘I’m going back to sleep.’ I rolled so I had my back to her, effectively shutting her out, but upon hearing the creak of my desk chair, I looked over my shoulder. ‘Mum, I’m tired.’