by Nick Kove
‘You look like utter shit, Glenn.’ She sat with her knees spread and elbows braced atop them, chin resting in her palms. ‘I want to talk to you about therapy. No, I want to beg you to please go back to it.’
‘Therapy’s not going to fix shit.’ I turned my back on her again.
‘I hate seeing you so depressed, Glenn.’ She put a tentative hand on my bare shoulder, but I shrugged her off and moved up further towards the wall. ‘If your meds aren’t working, you have to go back and get them adjusted. Or change them completely. It’s no use to put these pills in you if they’re not going to do any good.’
I knew that. And the pills had made me better. To a certain degree, anyway. They hadn’t been miracle pills that took the depression away completely.
‘Pills might help the depression, Mum, but they can’t change anything.’
‘Can’t change what? If they help with the depression, then that’ll be good, won’t it? You’ll feel better.’
She didn’t understand.
How could she? She only knew the depressed, post-suicide-attempt me. She’d been too busy with her own life and career before that to really know her kids.
There was a reason Marcus had turned to drugs early.
There was a reason I was messed in the head.
My depression probably wasn’t her fault, per sé, but being on my own for most of my childhood and teenaged years likely didn’t help.
Marcus had anger-management and drug issues, which likely was a direct result of just how little our parents had been there for us.
‘They can’t change who I am. They can’t change the anxiety. That I’m so fucking afraid.’
‘What’re you afraid of?’
I rolled over and sat up, finally facing her.
She sat back, startled at being faced with my front. Startled by the look on my face, most likely, because I’d hardly slept, and hadn’t been able to stop crying for hours, so my eyes were red and sore and I probably had dark bags under them.
‘You saw the box!’ I stared accusingly at her. ‘You saw it so you know.’ I couldn’t believe I brought it up—but I had to talk to someone and Nik wasn’t answering.
Matt was likely asleep as well, so there was no use messaging him either. Even if he had been awake, I wanted to talk to someone who knew me properly, who knew the people I was around on a daily basis.
She licked her lips.
‘Are you… gay?’
‘No!’ I tugged at my hair. ‘I don’t know. Bi, I guess.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with that, Glenn.’ She spoke carefully. She probably felt she was on thin ice. Who could blame here?
I’d been spinning on that thin ice for ages, unable to get off. It hadn’t quite cracked under me yet, but it would.
‘What happened to your hand?’
‘What?’ I looked at said hand—saw the abused knuckles and the dried blood—and glanced over at the wall. The blood was still there, evidence enough for what I’d done.
Mum’s gaze followed mine and she drew in a sharp breath.
‘Marcus is on drugs again,’ I said, hoping to distract her from this particular self-destructive act of mine.
‘You met him last night?’
I nodded.
‘We had a row.’
She pressed her lips together.
‘I know he’s on drugs. I know he’s off the rails. But there’s nothing I can do. He’s of age. You’re of age. Until he does something that gets him in trouble or something that makes him a danger to himself or others, there’s absolutely nothing I can do.’
‘You could throw him out.’ I didn’t feel safe with him around. Especially not after last night.
‘Did he hurt you last night?’ She must’ve caught on that.
I shook my head.
‘Not really. We just shoved each other around a little, I guess. But he nearly killed Alex simply for being Andreas’s boyfriend and he saw me with Nik last night and he flipped out. I don’t know what he’ll do.’
‘This Nik… is he the guy from yesterday?’
I nodded quickly.
‘I like him.’ That was the first time I’d said that aloud. ‘But I think I’ve fucked it up. I left him last night, after Marcus and I—I don’t know if he heard what we said or if he’s just pissed I left, but—I lied. To Marcus. Because I’m afraid of what he’ll do if he finds out I like guys.’
Mum rubbed her forehead, gaze settled on the floor as she thought.
‘When he hurt Alex… He should’ve gone to prison. You shouldn’t have gotten him out of that. He doesn’t deserve it.’ I hated Marcus for almost killing Alex. Even if he hadn’t killed him, he could’ve left him with some serious brain damage. Maybe even in a vegetative state. It all depended on just where he hit.
Alex had come away from it without any serious injuries, thankfully, but all the other scenarios kept swirling around in my head. Sometimes—quite often really—I worried what would happen to me when he bashed my head in. Because he would, wouldn’t he? If he found out.
‘I know.’ Mum rubbed her forehead harder. ‘I know. But he swore he was on the straight and narrow, that there were no drugs, that it was self-defence. As a mother you want to believe your kid, you know.’
‘Alex is a good guy.’ Just like that the tears started trickling again. ‘Self-defence? No. They didn’t do anything, neither Alex nor Andreas. Marcus walked around with that iron bar and when he saw them together he decided to use it. Who the fuck walks around town with a weapon, huh?’
‘I fully admit we made a mistake.’ Mum glanced up at me. ‘But you never spoke up in their defence either. I heard Marcus’s side of the story and he’s my son, no matter what.’
I squeezed my eyes shut.
‘I didn’t like Alex back then. He… he was with Andreas. I wanted him gone. I guess part of me was pissed Marcus hadn’t managed to do it properly—’ God, I hated myself for that. ‘And then I got to know him. And he’s great. He fits so well with Andreas, they’re good together.’
‘You’ve never brought him over here.’
I let out a bark of a laugh.
‘You really think I’d bring Alex here? Where the psycho who bashed him lives?’ There was no way.
Andreas and Peter often used to come over, but that all stopped, on Andreas’s part anyway, after he met Alex. And Peter was with Sarah then, so he was usually busy as well.
‘Point taken.’ Mum bit her lower lip and glanced at the wall again, at the blood smeared over it. ‘This Nik… you said you like him? Are you two…?’
‘Probably not anymore.’ I could still see his message from last night clearly in my mind.
You’re such a fucking arsehole.
He was so fucking right.
Mum sighed.
‘Is this the depression? If you’d been well, would things be better?’
‘It’s not the depression,’ I snapped, annoyed. ‘It makes the depression worse.’
‘What does? Surely liking someone won’t make you more depressed. It’s been awhile since I was young and in love, but surely it hasn’t changed that much.’
‘You saw him, Mum.’ I ran my good hand through my messy hair. ‘He’s like a walking gay billboard. Everyone knows he’s gay. He just has to walk down the street and people will look at him and instantly know. I don’t want—’ I shut up because her eyes had narrowed consistently as I talked.
‘You’re embarrassed to be seen with him because of the way he looks and acts?’
I nodded.
‘If it was, say, Andreas, would you be embarrassed to walk down the street with him? If you two had been a couple?’
‘No.’ That came instantly. ‘He doesn’t advertise it. No one can look at Andreas and tell he likes guys. People just assume he’s straight, you know.’
‘So, that’s what you want? To be with a guy, this Nik, but for other people to think you’re straight?’
I shrugged. It sounded horrible when she said it out
loud.
‘I guess, yeah.’
She sighed again.
‘That’s pretty shitty, Glenn.’
‘I know. Trust me, I know.’
She pursed her lips.
‘Please go back to therapy. Get your dosage adjusted or start new meds, whatever they suggest. You’ve never been afraid of anything. I’m sure the depression is just blowing this all out of proportion.’
‘I’ve always been afraid of this,’ I got out through clenched teeth. ‘Always. Marcus is going to kill me.’
And that was a legitimate fear because Marcus wasn’t right in the head.
‘Marcus…’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t know what to do about him, to be honest. If he’s back on drugs…’ She rubbed her temples. ‘Tell me, Glenn, what do you want?’
I didn’t even have to think about that.
‘I want to be left alone.’
She looked up at me.
‘You want me to leave?’
‘No, I want to be left alone. I don’t want to stand out in a crowd. I don’t want to be noticed. I just want to be myself but blend in. I don’t want to be targeted for anything. Not for my sexuality or my friends or my brother. I just want to be completely anonymous.’
That wasn’t going to happen with someone like Nik. That word didn’t even exist in his vocabulary. At the same time, it physically hurt that he was angry, that he didn’t answer any of my messages.
‘I get where you’re coming from,’ Mum said, ‘but shouldn’t happiness trump whatever that is? I mean, if you really like this guy, what does it matter what other people think? Chances are you aren’t ever going to meet all those random people again. That you aren’t going to interact with them.’
I knew that.
Rationally.
But whenever I was out in public I didn’t think rationally at all. Maybe I had to go back to therapy, to fix my messed up mind. I hadn’t used to be as afraid as I was now. I’d always worried about my sexuality, been ashamed and embarrassed and all that jazz, but…
Over a year ago, during winter holiday with the guys, I’d slept with Alex’s brother right under all their noses. No one had suspected a thing and that kind of situation appealed to me.
Doing things in secret, sneaking around, be this close to being caught, but eventually getting away with it without anyone the wiser… Damn, I’d liked that. I liked to keep my private life exactly that: private. It was no one else’s business.
‘For what it’s worth, Nik seemed like a nice guy.’ She clapped her hands on her thighs. ‘I think you should go for it.’
I glowered up at her.
‘You hardly met him. You stared at each other for a few seconds and that was it.’
‘Well, he’s kept your mood up. He got you out last night. If you hadn’t met Marcus he’d be here, wouldn’t he?’
‘Yeah,’ I acknowledged because that had been our plan.
She leant over and patted my knee, which was bent and made a small tent of my duvet.
‘Don’t let a good thing go because you’re so far down a black hole right now. Don’t let Marcus ruin your life.’
Easy for her to say. She wasn’t the one who’d feel his anger when he found out the truth.
‘I don’t want him near me.’
‘That’s a little difficult, as he’s also living in this house.’ Mum stood. ‘But I’ll talk to him. Okay?’
I didn’t think a talk would do any good, but I only nodded. I was tired of talking, of going around and around in my mind.
Mum left my room and shut the door behind her.
I slumped back down on the bed. My phone was buried in the sheets and I searched for it, checking frantically if Nik had answered. He hadn’t.
Damn.
I clicked on the Facebook app, where I was logged into my author account. But as Nik wasn’t my friend on the personal account either, it didn’t matter which one I checked his profile from.
He hadn’t posted anything since he came back home. Not anything visible for non-friends anyway. There was a status from last week though. A video.
I clicked it.
It was a recording of Nik dancing with some other people, I assumed his classmates. They didn’t just dance though. One of the dancers made a mistake and everyone fell out of it because they all started laughing. They joked about the wrong step the other guy took—shoved each other playfully… and then the clip ended.
This is what’s it’s like every day around here, was what Nik had written as the status above the video. Us goofing around while trying to be serious about this shit.
He had a life. He got along with classmates, with friends… My friends knew shit. Andreas and Peter were off in the army. Sarah had fucked off to Trondheim for school, and Alex had gone to Volda.
Even if they’d been here, would I have come clean to them?
Doubtful.
Would I have told them the army didn’t want me because I was suicidal?
Very, very doubtful.
Andreas and Peter and I didn’t speak feelings. We never had. They had no idea what went on in my mind.
As for Sarah… she was a bit more touchy-feely, but after Peter and she broke up, she’d been more distant.
And Alex… Fucking Alex. I liked him. Too much. Before him, I’d liked Andreas. But as I’d got to know Alex better, that had all become a jumbled mess of feelings I couldn’t find my way out of.
Was I in love with Andreas? Or Alex? Was it even love? Infatuation maybe… Lust?
And how did all that fit into my life now? I didn’t think I was all that interested in either of them now, not in a romantic way. All I could fantasise about right now was Nik.
A red dot with the number one in it appeared over the message icon in the app. As it could only be one person—the only person I spoke to regularly online—I clicked in on the messenger app.
Sure enough. It was Matt.
Matt: How are you, Glenn? What happened with your mum? I never heard back from you. Are you all right?
I licked my lips, reading those three messages again. Matt was an all right guy and we were close, even if we’d never met face to face. We shared stuff with each other.
And as he initiated this conversation… it was time to unload some of the shit on him. Maybe he’d have more advice than Mum—he was a gay man, after all, and in a relationship with another gay man.
I watched the keyboard for a while, unsure how to start. But then I put thumbs to screen and started typing.
With my luck being as shit as it always was, a smiling auburn-haired woman opened the door after I rang the bell.
‘Hey. Can I help you?’
I swallowed nervously.
‘Is Nik in?’
‘Yeah, he’s up in his room. Come in.’ She stepped out of the way.
‘Thanks.’ I brushed past her, with my hands buried in my jacket pockets.
‘You can’t miss his room.’ She motioned towards the stairs. ‘It’s the one the booming music is coming from. If you could tell him to turn it down I’d be very grateful. He doesn’t listen to me.’
‘I’ll try.’ I smiled slightly.
With a smile, she disappeared further into the house—into the living room, as I could see the edge of a sofa.
I climbed the stairs slowly, not eager to face Nik’s anger but knowing that I had to. Meeting his mother hadn’t been part of my plan, but she’d been nice enough. She hadn’t asked any questions, just let me inside.
The fact Nik could be so angry he’d refuse me entry had crossed my mind—but now I was in and close to him, so it would be harder for him to be rid of me when we were in his bedroom.
His mum was right in that I couldn’t miss his room. Some kind of electro-pop blasted out from one of the doors and I knocked on it, a lot more hesitantly than Mum ever knocked on my door.
When there was no answer I tried the handle. The door opened, giving me the very first look of Nik’s room. It was a flurry of colours, with clothe
s strewn everywhere, rainbow-coloured bedding, hair and make-up products scattered over the desk, posters on the wall of half-naked guys.
Nik was sitting cross-legged on his bed with his laptop open in front of him, but now he turned towards me. His expression darkened the minute he recognised me.
‘Glenn.’
‘Hey.’ I felt all awkward now I was here—not to mention anxious. What if this didn’t work out?
Matt had insisted it was a good idea to head over to his to apologise. To not just send messages, but put actions behind them too.
‘Can I come in?’
He made a swishing motion with his hand I took as a do as you like.
I closed the door carefully behind me and leant against it, looking at everything but him. A suitcase lay open in the middle of the floor, and all the scattered clothes seemed to originate from it.
Nik turned the music down so it was possible to have a conversation.
‘What’re you doing here? Never thought I’d see you in my room.’
I shuffled my feet.
‘I’m sorry for last night.’
‘Yeah, I know, I read your messages.’ He didn’t sound happy at all.
Can you blame him?
No. No, I couldn’t blame him.
I’d be pissed too if our roles had been reversed.
‘I really am. That was a shitty thing to do.’
‘Yeah, it was.’ He pressed his lips together. ‘We went out together and then you just abandoned me. And you know what the best part of the night was?’
I shook my head mutely. What could be worse than me leaving him without a word? Surely he hadn’t heard Marcus and me? Because that would be bad.
‘To be cornered by your psycho brother and have him threaten me to stay away from you because Glenn’s no poof.’
I stared at the floor.
‘To be told that whatever game I was playing with you wasn’t going to work,’ he continued. ‘And I’ve been wondering ever since what kind of game he’s referring to? Because I don’t play games.’
I didn’t answer. I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t sure what game he was supposed to play either. It was probably something Marcus had cooked together in his idiot brain.