“Sometimes in life, you have to do things you don’t want to do for the betterment of yourself. This is one of those times.” He takes a long angry drink. “End of discussion. You’re going. We’re going together. It isn’t even Monday yet. Let’s have fun together.”
I roll my eyes. “I can’t wait.”
“Come on, babe,” he begs. “Let’s not do this here. I don’t like it when we fight.”
His words penetrate my irritation and fear. “Me neither. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. Just promise me you’re going to stop running from the people who hurt you. If you have to hurt them back, do it. Just please stop letting people hurt you. You have no idea what it does to me.”
Jaz returns with a plethora of women before I can respond. They’re tall and skinny, with beautiful faces and empty glasses. The waitress comes with a large bottle and the VIP area gets crowded.
I sigh and finish my drink, grabbing Julian’s hand. “Want to dance?”
He grins wide and beautiful at me. “Finally,” he says. “I’d love to.”
It’s a different world on the dance floor. There’s no room for my fears or Julian’s frustrations. I can’t be anyone but who I want to be. Julian grabs my hips and I nervously wrap my arms around his shoulders. It takes me five seconds to decide I like dancing. His body is pressed tightly against my front. I can feel his hard abs, and I run my hands all over him, moving how I want. This time I don’t watch the other girls. I do what I feel like doing. What’s good for me.
I smile at him when I pull back. His eyes gleam under the blue lights. Sweat coats his temples and he smells so good to me. I have that feeling again. It’s overwhelming me. It’s lust, want, need, and something more, something that makes me lightheaded. I toss my head back and soak up the lights. His hands are all over me. My hips, my lower back, my breasts, and my hair. We can’t get close enough. I want to get closer. We can’t stop. It’s like there’s something pushing us together, some unseen force that knows apart we’re only half a person.
All my life I’ve felt empty and unwanted. But in Julian’s arms, I am full of emotions, and I know without a doubt he wants more than my body. He’s been through everything with me. Not once has he left me alone like so many other people. He could have. I was never his problem. He can still choose to leave me. But I know he won’t. I know it in my heart we’re more than we were yesterday, and tomorrow we’ll be more than we are today. We’ll continue to be more because that’s what we both want, what we both need.
For hours, we remain that way, taking breaks only to get more drinks, getting impossibly closer after each song. Grinding, feeling, wanting—we are intoxicated with the other. By the end of the night, Jaz has to tear us off the dance floor. Julian keeps tripping and laughing, which makes me laugh. We’re both snickering in the back of the taxi as Jaz makes out with someone as old as me.
I imagine we’re a sight, the four of us stumbling up the stairs of the beach house early hours of the morning. Drunken giggles, heavy limbs, and fuzzy brains. The moment we get inside, Jaz and his date take off. Julian goes to the kitchen and opens the microwave.
“Score.” He pulls out cold French fries from our lunch yesterday. After starting the microwave, he turns around to look at me. “You’re drunk.”
I smirk and lean against the counter for support. “It’s your fault.”
“Did you really have fun?”
“I really did. Thank you for taking me.”
His hands slip around my waist and he pushes me against the counter. “Thank you for the dance.”
I grip his biceps. I know what comes next. I’m up on the counter and he’s between my legs before I can blink. He groans when I match his deep kiss. My fingers are in his hair and his tongue wraps around mine.
“I can’t get enough of you,” he whispers, kissing me so hard I moan. “No matter how much I get it’s never enough.” His lips and hands consume my body.
The microwave chimes, but he doesn’t acknowledge it. He pulls me to the counters edge until we’re pressed together in that way. This kiss is unlike our other kisses. There is no goal. We’re both too drunk. There are only lips and that emotion neither of us will openly acknowledge yet. I’m wrapped in his arms, succumbing to his kiss, and I am completely happy in this moment.
The microwave continues to beep.
Pulling away from me, he meets my eyes as he dries my lips with his thumb. “I love …” He grins. “French fries.”
Butterflies, hornets, and killer bees swarm my stomach. I feel his first two words all over. Even my cheeks, in their drunken stupor, heat up. I look him in his gorgeous gray eyes. “I love …” I lick my lips. “I love …” I smile in embarrassment and bury my head in his chest. “I love them too.”
“Almost,” he whispers quietly. If I’m not mistaken, even a little regretfully.
He wants me to say it first. The realization is like a punch to my ribs. Why does he want me to say it first? Is it not real unless I do? Does it mean something to him if I do? It would mean something to me if he said it first. It would mean everything. No one’s ever said those three words to me. But to take that leap myself might mean even more to me.
I am only half aware when Julian pulls away from me. He opens the microwave and gets out the French Fries while I sit breathless and confused on the counter.
How can I know what love is? When I was a kid, at school, I’d watch parents drop their kids off and kiss and hug them goodbye. I would wonder, almost to the point of obsession, what that felt like. I couldn’t remember being hugged. But I could see it happening. Was love the same way? Could I feel it if I’ve only heard of it?
It’s as if these emotions were in a vault and only he had the key. As Julian squirts ketchup all over his fries, I realize I don’t have a clue how to love another person.
“Want some?” He holds out a soggy fry covered in ketchup like he’s offering me something much more.
“Yes,” I whisper. I open my mouth and he inserts the fry. I take the whole thing in my mouth and then I lick the ketchup from his fingers. Sweet and salt bursts on my tongue. It’s oddly fitting for us. He’s sweet and I am salty. We shouldn’t exist together. Yet we do.
Eventually, we’ll have to pick. Sweet and salt forever won’t always balance each other out. One may become too much, and the other not enough. They’ll separate to exist.
If that happens, I’ll be the girl I was before I met him. Instead of the woman I want to be.
I want to be worthy of us, of the emotions I feel, of later instead of right now.
I want to be worthy of love.
Chapter Fourteen
My head pounds.
I feel eyes on me. I turn a fraction and my stomach lurches. Through the pounding in my skull, I spot Julian on the floor packing our bags.
He smiles knowingly when our eyes meet. “How do you feel?”
Something sticky and red smears my hands. I look up to find it all over my arm. “Why am I covered in ketchup?”
He at least has the decency to appear guilty. “Eating fries and making out with you at the same time probably wasn’t such a good idea.”
It’s in my hair, on my face, and all over my jeans. I groan in irritation and roll out of bed. My ribs are particularly achy. I imagine Julian wasn’t gentle last night. I can remember sticky red kisses and hands all over my body. I’m still fully clothed so I know that’s as far as it went. I was too preoccupied with the realization that Julian was waiting for me to say something I wasn’t even sure I could have to get him out of his clothes.
“I’ll go start the shower,” he offers, ducking out of the room with a grin on his face.
I stare down at our bags on the floor. Save for an outfit on the foot of the bed for each of us they’re all packed. The bedside clock says it’s almost two in the afternoon. Sun shines in thickly through the window. I slept our last day together away. Monday is waiting for me. Julian is waiting on me. I think m
aybe even I am waiting on me.
After my shower, I get dressed, fearing the loss of this weekend more than I fear the upcoming week.
“We still have a few hours before we have to leave. You want to go for a walk on the beach?” Julian asks, setting our things by the front door.
I think he may share my fears.
“We’re putting off the inevitable.”
“Exactly,” he responds, grabbing my hand.
The beach is even more beautiful today than it was yesterday. The sun is high and bright, and the water is this pale clear blue that goes on for miles. Walking hand-in-hand with him, our toes in the sand, I fight my tears. I don’t want to go back home. I don’t want to deal with Nessa anymore or see Brady. I don’t want anything but right now with Julian.
I pull my hand free from him and stand there, trying not to hyperventilate.
“Shh, baby.” Julian grabs my face between his hands and presses it to his chest. “You can do this. I’ll be there for you. You won’t have to do it by yourself.”
“You can’t even show up with me. We can’t even be together in public.” I know all of my fears are tumbling out of me like throw up. Together they don’t even make sense. “Nessa’s never going to go away. I’ve never been loved. I don’t want to do this.”
He’s confused, but he tries to make sense of my garbled mess the best he can. “I’ll quit my job and then we can go anywhere together. Nessa will go away. One day she’ll be in the past. I promise. She’s already on her way. You haven’t been loved, but you’re going to be loved so hard for the rest of your life you won’t remember a time where you weren’t. I promise you that.”
His words make me cry harder. I shake my head. “I’ll never forgive you if you quit.”
“Then don’t forgive me. You’re more important than my job.”
“I’m not important at all!” I explode, struggling to yank my face from his grasp. “Can’t you see that?”
“No. I can’t.” He won’t let me go. “Stop it. You’re more important to me than I am to myself.”
“That’s sick.” I push him off and turn away.
He grabs my arm and yanks me back, spinning me around so fast I end up against his chest. “Then I’m sick. So be it.” He hugs me to him roughly. “I know you’re afraid. I understand. But you’re facing Nessa, and you’re going to win. You’re not going to let her win, not one more time.”
I sob into his shirt with the sun on my back. He lets me grumble and moan and wail. When he thinks I’ve had enough, he leads me inside and we leave the beach house behind. The drive back to his house is quiet. I feel numb and at the same time unbearably apprehensive. I lean my head against the Volkswagen window and watch the city of Savannah absorb us.
Pulling up into Julian’s driveway feels strange. I know I can have peace somewhere else. I want it.
“I’m in the mood for pizza tonight,” he announces. “A huge gooey cheesy pizza.”
I feel like being salty tonight. Like shoving my head under my blankets and forgetting life exists. “I just want to go to bed.”
He works his mouth. “You’re not. You’re going to hang out with me tonight. And you’re not allowed to think about Nessa fucking Ferguson at all while we’re doing it.”
Without waiting for a reply, he gets out and starts getting our bags. I get out just as a truck pulls into the driveway. My stomach falls. What the hell is Brady doing here?
He smiles at me easily when he hops out of his truck. He has a shopping bag in his hand. “Hey, Kaelyn,” he greets. “Where have you been? I came over here twice yesterday.”
“For what?” I ask dumbly.
“Well,” he says, looking at the bag. When he shifts, I notice there’s something else in his hand. It’s a manila envelope. “I came here to bring your homework. And to give you this.” He hands me the bag and the envelope.
The entire time I feel Julian’s eyes on us like a lion in the bushes. I have no idea when he’s going to pounce, only that he wants to. I take the bag, curious despite knowing Brady shouldn’t be here. I tuck the envelope under my arm. Next, I open the shopping bag and peer inside. I gasp quietly. It’s a new black parka. I take it out of the bag and hold it up to my body. Brady catches the bag before it falls and balls it up, tossing it into the back of his truck.
“You didn’t have to do this.” I don’t realize how much I miss my parka until I have a new one.
“Yes, I did. Of course, I did. Try it on.”
I feel awkward. I don’t understand the need to try on a jacket in front of everyone. “For what?”
“So we can see what you look like in it.” He laughs a little. “Just try on the jacket, Kaelyn.”
“I’ll leave you two alone,” Julian says.
I look back at him but he’s already gone. Great. I give Brady a look. “Thanks a lot.”
“That guy hates me.”
“He doesn’t like you,” I agree dryly. “Thank you for the jacket and for the homework. That was nice of you.”
He nods, kicking at a pebble in the street. “Have you thought about what I asked? About us being friends?”
I sigh. “I don’t know—”
“If you need more time take it.” His jade green eyes bore into me. “I can’t stop thinking about you, Kaelyn. I keep dreaming about you on the ground. I wake up sweating and all I want to do is talk to you, but I know you’re not exactly in the mood to talk to me right now.”
“How troubling.” I tap my foot against the ground. I can feel Julian’s anger growing as the second’s progress.
“It is troubling,” he insists, stepping closer to me. “But you look better today. How much pain are you in?”
I’m at about a ten talking to him. “It still hurts.”
He sighs as if this genuinely upsets him. “What are you doing tonight? Do you have plans? Tomorrow’s the arraignment. Are you going?”
His disjointed questions and statements are confusing me. I can’t help but feel like he wants something from me I no longer want to give him. “I’m going. Are you?”
A look enters his eyes. Something dark and mean. “I’m going. I’m going just to see Nessa in handcuffs.”
“I don’t want to go,” I whisper in case Julian hears.
His face softens. “You have to. If you don’t, she’ll know you’re afraid of her. She’s telling people at school you’re going to wish you never got off the ground.”
My mouth falls open. “That—” I can’t even finish I’m so mad. “All of this over you?”
“It can’t be all about me. She hasn’t tried to contact me since we broke up. She’s done with me.”
“Then it’s me.”
“It’s all her. No matter what you did, or I didn’t do, should give her the right to do what she’s done.”
I can’t stand this anymore. “I want to get in my car and drive away from this place forever.”
“You want to hang out?” He makes his expression hopeful. “We could catch a movie and grab something to eat?”
I picture Julian’s face and cringe. “I can’t.”
“Can I come in?”
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“Julian, you, knives. I’m not sure that’s a good combination.”
“Can I at least give you ride to court tomorrow? It’s not like Mr. Ean can show up with you. Mr. Hunt’s going to be there. He asked me about you two.”
Panic lodges in my throat. “He has?”
He nods, glad he finally has my attention. “He asked what I knew about you two. Don’t worry. I told him I hadn’t seen anything weird and people spread rumors all the time.”
I can picture Brady laying it on too thick. “Why won’t he leave it alone?”
“Because he knows it’s true. I could tell by the way he asked. He wasn’t trying to find anything out. He was trying to prove himself right.”
Who else has Mr. Hunt asked? And what are we going to
do when he gets the proof he’s looking for? “Great,” I grumble.
“Are you going to the Halloween dance?”
I’m not hearing him. What proof did Hunt want? Julian and I wrapped around each other? “Doubt it.”
“Would you go with me?”
I blink. Did he just ask me out? “Brady. Julian and I are together. I can’t go out with you.”
He smiles ruefully. “Ironic, huh? I wait until you start dating someone else to wake up.”
I eye him. All I can think is: I’m glad you waited this long. “Ironic indeed. I’ve got to go, Brady. I think Julian and I will figure out how to deal with Mr. Hunt. Thanks for the parka.” I stare at it. “I missed my other one.”
His face falls, but he gives me a smile. “You’re welcome. I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Yeah, see you.”
“Have a good night. And don’t worry about Nessa anymore. She’ll get it.”
I wasn’t so sure. I seemed to be the only one getting it.
I stand in the driveway and watch him pull away.
His visit has brought me down more than I already was. I bundle my new parka in my arms and hold my homework folder in my fist. Why can’t I tell him to go away? I don’t even want him. But it’s as if the girl who did want him doesn’t have the heart to tell Brady McAlister to get lost for good. He speaks about irony, but the ironic part is I want so badly to tell Brady to get out of my life forever. I know I have to do it for Julian, and I have to do it for myself. Because my life is in shambles because of the choice I made and the ones Brady didn’t.
When I get inside, Julian is nowhere to be found. I hear movement upstairs and assume he’s in the shower. He never took one at the beach house. Our bags are in my room when I arrive up there. I think about confronting him, but I can sense his animosity through the walls. I set my folder down on my bed and shake out my parka.
It’s more expensive than my other one. The hood is lined with light brown fur and the inside in black fleece. I put it on. It doesn’t feel right. I zip it up and recall how my other parka was great to hide in. To hide my coldness and my pain. To protect myself from the people that weren’t even looking.
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