The Garden of Lost Memories

by Ruby Hummingbird

  I waited for him to start speaking up, to tell her that he hadn’t sent it round everyone, that I had tried to hit him, that I had gone mental and should be punished too. Daniel stayed completely silent, then, after a moment, he looked up, straight at me. ‘I’m really sorry,’ he said, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. ‘I’m really sorry – I shouldn’t have sent it.’

  I was so shocked I didn’t reply, just sat in my chair gripping the sides. Mum was huffing behind me.

  ‘There will be a short suspension at the start of next week and I think Daniel should be excluded from the end-of-term trip.’

  I found myself opening my mouth, I found myself talking: ‘It’s alright by me if he comes.’

  Mrs Kendrick looked over at me in my chair and Rich and Daniel turned to stare at me.

  ‘If he’s deleted it, it’s OK by me, if that makes a difference,’ I said, looking up at Mrs Kendrick.

  Daniel was looking at me, his mouth open like a goldfish.

  ‘Boys, if you could step outside, please, I just want a quick word with your parents.’

  I slid off my chair, wanting to get out of the room, all my worries from the night before melting away. No suspension! No need to move! I glanced across at Daniel, worried for a moment that the second we stepped outside the blotchy tearful Daniel would dissolve and old, evil Daniel would return.

  ‘I didn’t tell on you,’ I said quickly, worried everything that had been said inside the office was a lie.

  Daniel looked at me, his mouth downturned as he closed the door behind him. ‘Nah, a couple of people messaged me, telling me to delete it and Dad made me hand over my phone anyway, something about an old lady who knew something.’

  I couldn’t keep from smiling as I thought of Elsie back in the restaurant defending my honour. I shrugged, swallowing down the smile. ‘Well, thanks for not telling them I almost hit you.’

  Daniel’s eyes widened. ‘Yeah, but you didn’t.’

  ‘I know, but,’ I shrugged again, ‘you could have made it look bad for me.’

  Daniel sniffed, fiddling with the sleeve of his shirt. ‘Well, thanks for, you know, saying that stuff about the trip.’

  ‘S’OK.’

  ‘I don’t mind being in a group with you, you know,’ Daniel said, ‘not if you don’t. And Max likes you, he didn’t want me to put that stuff in your bag in art and he was one of the ones who messaged me…’

  I thought of Max, who had shown a small glimpse of kindness in that lesson and realised I hadn’t imagined it. That thought made me feel better too.

  ‘Anyway, I’m…’ Daniel took a breath and held out his hand, ‘I’m really sorry.’

  I took his hand a bit awkwardly – I had never really shaken hands with anyone my age, only adults. His grip was firm as he looked me in the eye.

  ‘Alright,’ I said, feeling a small flame of hope bloom.

  His dad appeared in the doorway just in time to see us release hands.

  ‘You know,’ Daniel added as his dad moved out of the office with Mum, ‘I know you like football. If you ever want to play, over the summer, I only live behind the allotments not too far, if you wanted…’

  ‘Thanks,’ I said, the flame growing brighter. ‘Yeah, maybe.’

  Mum couldn’t help a surprised look at us. Rich had a more serious expression on his face.

  ‘I’m glad Daniel has apologised,’ he said, his voice stern, Daniel cringing at the words. Then he turned to Mum, adding, ‘And I’m sorry for the shifts, for being stressed. Clearly I wasn’t keeping my eye on the ball at home.’ He couldn’t resist a glare at his son before turning back to Mum, ‘Let’s sit down next week and sort out the shifts going forward, make sure you’re happier.’

  Mum’s eyes widened further. ‘That would be great, thanks, Rich.’

  He gave her a grateful beam before turning to his son, mouth moving into a thin line. ‘Come on, Daniel. Home!’

  I almost felt sorry for him.

  I think this is goodbye.

  Meeting you, spending those months together, were the happiest times of my life. I know you would have been a wonderful friend and partner and I still grieve for the things we never got to do. It was cruel to lose you so young, to miss so much of what you would have done. You were a caring, generous person and I know you would have taken care of me, of us.

  But I see now that I need to let you go, I need to stop reliving the thousand memories from our past and look forward, into a future. You are still with me, I take you everywhere in my head and heart. You are the voice that tells me I can do it, you are the hand on my arm to steady me when I stumble. You were the most beloved man and I hope you are happy now that I have found another way to take that step into the unknown.

  I love you, Philip – you were the best thing and I was so lucky to have known you.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  ELSIE

  He was moving slowly down the flower bed, the watering can in his hand, careful to ensure the water avoided the leaves like she’d told him, wetting only the base of the plant. He was such a good boy, she thought, delighted to see him taking such care.

  He had appeared that afternoon carrying something in both arms, placing it down gently on the dresser. ‘For later,’ he’d said cryptically. He’d downed his pear squash, full of stories from the previous day at school, the first time she’d ever really heard him share any good news. ‘Javid is going to bring his iPad on the trip so we can watch movies in the tent and Max said that I can swim in his pool this summer. They live in this massive house apparently…’

  ‘That’s wonderful,’ Elsie said, relishing the feeling of having his company again. Over her shoulder, she suddenly noticed the chalkboard. She hadn’t written on it in weeks, some old list half-completed still written on the black. She found she didn’t care and turned back to keep listening to Billy.

  ‘…and Mr Williams told me I’m getting better at tennis and should join the summer club he runs on the courts next to the playground so I think I might—’ He drew up short when he turned to see what was resting on her table. ‘Hey, that’s my name…’ Then he stared round at her. ‘Is this…?’

  She nodded and smiled, reaching across to hand him the letter confirming his allotment. He took it wordlessly, just turning it over. ‘For me?’

  ‘For you! The whole thing. I don’t want you digging up my garden to plant carrots and artichokes so I thought this was the answer. We can get down there this weekend and plant something. You could sow some spring cabbages, they’d be good at this time of year.’

  ‘Cool!’ he said, running to the back door and grabbing his flowery apron. ‘I’m going to check on the box balls, I’m worried a caterpillar is at them.’ He disappeared through the back door. He’d forgotten to even eat his custard cream biscuits, he was in such a hurry.

  ‘He loves it, he loves the place like we did,’ Elsie said to the walls, feeling her mother’s presence in the house. She smiled, realising the pain was truly lessening, that she wanted to say something she should have said a long time ago. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, biting her lip, ‘I’m sorry I’ve been blaming you. I know I need to live my own life. That you loved me.’

  And after those simple words she felt better, a small glow in her chest as she pulled on her own overalls and stepped outside to join Billy in a place that meant more to her than she could possibly ever express. A place she had shared with her mother, learning every detail, pouring her love into it, and now passing it down to someone else who was showing as much enthusiasm for nature and gardening as she had. She smoothed at the earth, her pale pink nails like the inside of a shell.

  She had been to visit Scarlet that morning, had returned a book she was only two-thirds of the way through as an excuse to see her at the counter. At first Scarlet had been stiff with her, one word of hello as Elsie had handed the book over. Elsie had regretted moving inside, wondering quite what she had expected. The old her would have pretended not to care, wouldn’t have tri
ed to make amends.

  That thought propelled her forward. ‘I needed to tell you how sorry I am, for being so rude, so cold,’ she began. A man on an ancient desktop computer glanced in their direction but Elsie didn’t want to make an excuse to be silent.

  Scarlet had started to scan a small pile of books sat on the counter.

  ‘I can see you’re busy…’ Elsie smiled, trying to melt the frosty younger woman.

  Scarlet gave her the smallest shrug, a wary look in her eyes.

  ‘It was unfair of me to take out my frustration on you,’ Elsie continued.

  Scarlet placed a hand on the top of the pile, her expression softening as Elsie bit her lip.

  ‘I just want you to know how much I appreciate how kind you’ve always been to me over the months and years I’ve been coming here. I haven’t deserved it and I’m going to make sure I treat you a lot better from now on in.’

  Scarlet had stopped the pretence of stacking any more books and was now just sat on her stool, staring up as Elsie finished, reaching into her handbag.

  ‘I wanted to give you a couple of things to say sorry,’ she said, handing over a soft toy for Harry and a card with a voucher inside. ‘The fluffy dolphin is for Harry, the card and voucher are for you, for a massage or something relaxing, I wasn’t sure…’

  Scarlet accepted the card and toy. ‘I––’

  ‘Please don’t thank me, I just wanted to show you how sincerely sorry I am.’

  Scarlet’s standoffish welcome had dissolved, the atmosphere light and made lighter by the departure of the elderly man on the computer. It was just the two of them in the library as Scarlet told Elsie about Harry taking his first steps, convinced he was also starting to speak: ‘I was sure he said Bubble.’

  Elsie told her about Billy, about his upcoming trip, about his discovery of the map and everything it had unearthed.

  ‘That sounds fascinating,’ Scarlet said, her eyebrows lifting as she asked more questions.

  ‘I have a sister, a half-sister.’ Elsie’s heart swelled at the thought. She was seeing her later that day for coffee. They planned to meet regularly, swapping books, news, old family stories. Elsie felt excitement build in her chest as she thought of the future as part of a bigger family, her lonely existence a lifetime away.

  And then, a wonderful thing. She had been walking home and she had passed the butchers. She had been expecting to see Darren in his peaked white hat but there, behind the counter, larger than life, was a man with a wrinkled face and kind eyes. He was throwing his head back, laughing at something a customer was saying. Elsie found herself moving as if in a trance to the door of the butcher.

  ‘Mr Porter,’ she had said from the doorway. The man looked over at her, his bushy eyebrows raised in surprise as she found her feet moving right inside, right around the counter itself, before her arms reached out and pulled him into an embrace. ‘Stanley,’ she said, ‘you’re well.’

  Stanley, who had never been short of things to say, simply stood there dumbfounded, arms clamped to his side as she squeezed him tight. She hadn’t realised how frightened she had been. She took a step backwards, feeling heat creep into her cheeks even in the chilly cold of the air-conditioned room.

  ‘Elsie Maple,’ he said with an enormous smile, ‘and I never thought you cared.’

  Her face had been serious for a moment. ‘It is wonderful to see you here, Mr Po— Stanley,’ she corrected herself. ‘You have always been such a tonic and I was so scared here when Darren told me you’ve been ill.’

  ‘Benign, Elsie. I was lucky, they found something but you can’t get rid of me yet.’

  She moved around the counter. ‘That is so good to hear, I am so pleased.’ She caught sight of Darren and the other customer, an elderly gentleman in trainers, simply staring at her. ‘Well,’ Elsie said, suddenly very aware of all her limbs, backing out of the door, ‘it was just a real, real treat to see you looking so well. I’ll see you soon, Stanley,’ she said, burning with heat now.

  Mr Porter had started to chuckle. ‘I’ll look forward to it, Elsie, I really will,’ he had said, giving her a wonderful smile.

  Elsie was still smiling as she sat back staring at the area under the tree she had been working on. How different it looked now: a line of perennials, new bulbs planted beneath the soil ready to grow next spring, the soil rich. The patch she had ignored, neglected for so many years, looked as loved as the rest of the garden. She had bought a beautiful rose bush for the spot where the red tin had been uncovered. Was it really only a few months ago that Billy had swept in overnight and upturned her whole world?

  ‘Let’s head in for tea,’ she called, standing up, her lower back aching as she rubbed at it.

  Billy raised his head from the patio where he’d been weeding and grinned at her. ‘Good idea.’

  He scampered ahead and by the time she arrived back in the kitchen he was holding out the bag he had turned up with, an eager expression on his face.

  ‘What’s that?’ She smiled, stepping forward.

  ‘I saw it, in that shop next to the butcher… a present…’ He tailed away, his face flushing as she raised both eyebrows. She knew he barely had any money, in fact all his money had come from the jobs he had done for her. ‘I don’t need a present,’ she said, accepting the bag as he thrust it towards her.

  It was heavy, she thought, as she set it down on the table. Billy stood watching her as she lifted the item out of the bag. It was big and round and wrapped inexpertly in some Christmas wrapping paper. She tore at it carefully, touched by the effort he had obviously gone to.

  Inside was a teapot, cream with navy blue polka dots. ‘Oh,’ she said, as she set aside the paper, one hand on her chest, ‘oh, how lovely, Billy!’

  He looked like he might melt with embarrassment as she stepped across and gave him a warm hug. ‘Well, I did break yours first,’ he coughed, clearly trying to retain some cool.

  ‘It’s so thoughtful of you,’ she replied. ‘Let me get the kettle on then and I’ll make us some peppermint tea in it… You get the custard creams.’

  Chapter Forty

  BILLY

  The air smelt of sausages, the barbecue on the terrace a massive silver one that looked like a spaceship and Faith, Tilly’s mum, stood waving a pair of tongs in one hand and a glass of pink wine in the other as she talked to Mum.

  Turns out Faith knows someone looking for someone to run a handmade jewellery stall at the fair and she and Mum have been talking for the last hour about pendants and chains and beads. I thought back to times in London when Mum had sold her stuff, her joy stood behind the stalls of the London markets, hair tied in a knot, bright lipstick on as she chatted with customers. Then coming back home, sliding the things into the box under her bed so she wouldn’t leave out a mess. Dad had hated a mess.

  I wasn’t sure how we’d ended up in this enormous garden in this posh house with these really nice people. Rory had invited a friend over and we were playing tennis on the court, making up our own game, where you hit the ball and then have to run round to the other side in a never-ending circle to keep the rally going. It was hopeless because sometimes Tilly would just fall down in a heap of giggles, or start chasing me with her racket, or Rory would get distracted by a helicopter or a red kite or a cloud in the shape of something funny and totally miss the ball. But I hadn’t laughed like that in forever.

  Also, Liam’s mum had agreed that Liam could get the train down to see me so tomorrow, Mum and I were meeting him at the station and he was coming for three whole days. I think he didn’t have a new best friend ’cos he’d asked if I wanted to go and stay at his grandma’s in her house by the lake that summer. And Tilly had invited us for a sleepover on one of the nights and Mum and Elsie were going to come because the house has, like, a million bedrooms. Well, eight, but still…

  Also, Max had messaged me since the trip to ask whether I wanted to go to his house and play Fortnite with him and it was really weird but nice of him even tho
ugh I knew Mum might not like it ’cos the weapons are so realistic, so I replied and said that I hoped it would be OK.

  The school trip went really well in the end. We’d had to hand in our phones to Mr Williams on the first morning and use these orienteering maps that were massive but Javid had brought along his dad’s sat nav which he’d rolled up in a T-shirt so our little group of four didn’t get lost. And Daniel nearly got chased by a cow and we’d all legged it. Max almost dropped his rucksack, he was so scared.

  We set up a tent which took like an hour because there were so many pegs and none of us understood the instructions on the label. Then we were starving and we lit this little fire thing and had these weird boil-in-a-bag meals that were actually really nice. I had chicken casserole and a custard kind of thing. We told bad ghost stories in the dark with the torches under our chins and then we crept round the girls’ tent pretending to be werewolves until Mr Williams told us to go to bed. Becky told me they’d been cry-laughing inside the tent. She invited me to her birthday party over the summer holiday, which is cool.

  The sound of Mum laughing again made me look through the wire of the tennis courts and I could make her out standing next to the barbecue. She was wearing bright orange lipstick today which made her teeth look even whiter and she had one of her funny coloured headbands on and she’d had her hair cut. She was giggling with Tilly’s mum as they prodded and poked at the gas barbecue.

  Mum had told me the solicitor was finalising the divorce. She said I can choose to see Dad if I want but there would need to be someone else with me as a chaperone person at a contact centre. I’m not sure I want to see him yet. Since that night with the police I’ve had a few dreams about the things I never really wanted to think about and I might wait until I’m a bit older and see what I think then. Mum seemed a bit relieved.

  ‘Hey Billy!’ Tilly called from behind me. ‘Rory’s got a new game but we need to go and grab three more tennis balls.’