Ties That Bind Us

by Nicole Knight

  All I wanted was a little space to process everything. I appreciated Nick more than I could ever say, but right now, all of his attention felt suffocating. Every second he was trying to fix something he just couldn’t. He couldn’t make this better, he couldn’t make this go away, and every time I saw him, all I could think about was our baby. He was a painful reminder of just how much I had lost.

  As much as I was ashamed to admit this, a small part of me blamed him. Nick swore up and down that he wouldn’t let anything like this happen, that he would take care of everything. I had trusted that, but he hadn’t, and now our child was dead, my family hated me, and I was completely isolated. Sometimes I felt like I was avoiding Nick because I didn’t trust myself not to say that out loud. I knew it wasn’t fair, and I hated myself for even thinking it. It was just another reason why I didn’t deserve Nick.

  I knew it was irrational. The accident was just that—an accident. There was no way Nick could have stopped it or that I could have saved the baby. The doctor stressed that continuously. Neither one of us were to blame. Even the police who investigated the crash said the guy had been driving drunk and it wasn’t a targeted attack. I knew all that, but it didn’t stop me from feeling that way.

  Eventually, I was going to have to face all of this. I couldn’t keep myself locked away forever. I needed to tell my family, I needed to go back to work. I needed to move on. But every time I even thought about it, I was reduced to sobs again. Everything had taken a backseat to the baby the last few weeks, and everything seemed pale in comparison.

  I had heard Nick come home from the office about an hour ago, and had been trying to get up the courage to go talk to him since. He had only been gone a few hours. I knew when I went out there he would jump back into protector mode again and try to make this okay for me. The only thing he was doing, though, was making me feel inferior. I had failed already, losing our baby, and I couldn’t even pull myself back together, I needed him for that. I was pathetic. I could hardly take care of myself; I would have been a horrible mother. Maybe that was why our baby had been taken from us.

  As I tried to get up the courage to go out there, there was a soft knock on the door.

  “Ava? Can I come in?” Nick’s voice was broken and pained.

  I didn’t answer, but he persisted, opening the door slowly. I could feel his eyes on me.

  “Ava?” he asked again, hesitating at the door as if he was worried to come too far into the room. I didn’t blame him; every time he had been in here lately I had bitten his head off. He was only trying to help, and deep inside I knew that—I just couldn’t face him right now. My mind was clouded with feelings of failure, blame, and resentment of Nick. Each time I saw him, it only made things worse.

  I felt the bed sink next to me and his fingers gently grazed my shoulder. I could feel how desperate he was in his touch.

  Finally, I rolled over slightly, realizing he wasn’t going to give up so easily today. He gazed down at me, waiting for me to make the first move. Giving up on all other methods he had tried before, he was leaving the ball in my court and waiting for my cue.

  “Hi,” I whispered, my voice scratchy. I had hardly said a word the last few days, and my throat was dry from dehydration.

  “How are you feeling?” Nick asked, a renewed sense of hope in his face.

  “I’m fine,” I said, sighing. Truthfully, he didn’t want to know how I was feeling, and by the look of pain he was already carrying, I didn’t think he could handle it.

  Nick seemed to know there was much more to that answer than I was letting on, but he didn’t pry. “Can I get you something to eat? I brought Thai home. I thought that might sound good.”

  If nothing else, Nick was relentless. He had been trying to get me to crack for days, and bringing home food was his latest attempt. I knew how much he hated Thai food, but I loved it.

  “Thank you, but I’m not very hungry.” I propped myself up against some of the pillows, sitting up for the first time in what felt like an eternity. My head spun with the sudden rush of blood to it.

  “Baby, you need to eat something. We’ve got to keep your strength up.” He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and looked at me pleadingly.

  “I said I’m not hungry, Nick.” I sighed heavily. He took the cue and backed off a little bit, not pressing the food issue anymore.

  “Do you want to come out and watch a movie or something?” He tried again.

  “I don’t know if I really feel up to it,” I said shortly. My fuse was even shorter than normal, and though I hated myself for how I was treating Nick, I couldn’t seem to stop. I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t deserve his kindness, and the more he showered me with it, the worse I felt.

  “We could watch it here if you want. I could bring a tray of dinner and we could get something on demand and just lie in bed.”

  I moved away from him. “I don’t want dinner, I don’t want to watch a movie, I just want to be alone,” I hissed, curling back up into a ball and hoping he would just leave me be.

  He wasn’t going to do that, though. Instead, he wrapped his body around mine.

  “Ava, I know you’re hurting right now. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but please don’t push me away. Let me help you. We can get through this together.”

  “Together?” I shrieked, throwing the covers off and bolting up. Nick looked at me wide eyed, as if he couldn’t believe I was capable of moving so fast. “Nick, you don’t get it. This happened to me, I need to deal with it on my own, and if I want to stay in bed and cry for a few days, I’m going to do that. I lost my baby three days ago, I think that should give me a little leeway.”

  Nick’s face fell. “Our baby.”

  “What?”

  “We lost our baby.” He moved to the edge of the bed and sat there as still as could be. “I’m hurting, too, Ava. This didn’t just happen to you. I may not have been carrying our child, but trust me, I feel the loss all the same. But we don’t have to go through this alone. We can figure it out together, but you’ve got to let me help you.”

  “I don’t need your help,” I cried, not even recognizing my own voice. It felt like the anger and grief was overcoming my body and I was being possessed by something. “I just need some space, Nick.”

  “What do you mean?” Nick looked up at me defeated.

  “You’re smothering me!” I cried. “Every time I turn around, you’re trying to be the hero and make all of this go away, but you can’t. All I see when I look at you right now is our baby, and it feels like I’m losing it all over again. You swore you’d keep us safe and nothing like this would happen!” I froze, the words had come out of my mouth like I was spewing venom. I didn’t mean it, though, and I regretted them the second they came out.

  Nick surprised me and let out a sharp laugh. “Is that how you really feel?”

  I bit my lip, tears streaming down my cheeks. I wanted to tell him it wasn’t, that I didn’t blame him, that I was just upset. I wanted to run to him and let him fix this for me, like he so desperately wanted to. Instead, my feet stayed cemented into our bedroom floor and my mouth stayed clamped shut.

  “Don’t you think I have thought that a million times the last few days? I know I screwed up. I shouldn’t have taken Leo’s car. I shouldn’t have let Asnikov live after what happened at the dress shop. I should have kept you and the baby locked away somewhere until things were safe. There are a million things I wish I could have done differently, and I’ve been over them all because I have had nothing else to do. You’ve kept yourself holed up in this room like it’s the end of the world, and I know it hurts. Trust me, I fucking know it hurts because my heart is breaking at the thought of never holding our child, never knowing whether or not we were having a boy or girl, what we would name it. But it happened, Ava, and we can’t go back and change anything. All we can do now is try to pick up the pieces of our life and piece it back together. That is, if that’s what you
still want.”

  Each of Nick’s words hit me a bullet. I knew he was hurting just as badly as I was, but all I could focus on was my own pain and loss. I was in a vicious cycle of depression and my thoughts were being twisted.

  “Is it what you want, Ava?” Nick asked, standing up and walking toward me.

  “Ava,” Nick said, raising his voice at me.

  “I don’t know, okay?” I cried, burying my face in my hands. “I don’t know anything right now. I can’t even make sense of which way is up and which way is down. I just need . . . I need some time, okay? Can you just give me that?”

  Nick bit his lip as if he was holding back his own tears. “I’ll give you all the time you need, Ava. Until then, I’ll be in the guest room.”

  Nick turned and walked to the door. He paused for a moment before walking out, as if giving me a chance to stop him. When I didn’t, he slammed the door behind him and I heard the sound of crashing and destruction out in the rest of the apartment. He was furious.

  Disgust crept up my body and I felt like I was going to throw up. Why was I such an idiot? Why did I need to make this more difficult on him than it already was? Why couldn’t I just go to him and make this right?

  In my heart, I knew I didn’t deserve him. Nick needed someone who was his equal. Who was strong and vibrant and would never blame him for something out of his control like this. All I did was hurt Nick. Since we’d started dating, all I had done was cause him stress. I hated myself, and I knew Nick would be so much better off without me.

  Staying here wasn’t an option. I desperately needed some fresh air to clear my mind and the thought of another confrontation with Nick was debilitating. This was his home after all; he should be able to sleep in his own room in his own bed.

  Grabbing my bag from the closet, I stuffed a few of my things in it.

  I didn’t know where I was going to go, but I knew I needed to get out of here. I needed to clear my head before I talked to Nick again; I needed to know what I was going to do so I could stop putting him through all of this.

  I wanted to talk to Bella but I couldn’t see her because she still lived with my parents. The thought of seeing them and facing more disappointment was too much. Angie would take me in but she lived too far away. Vince seemed like my only viable option right now.

  I loved Nick more than anything, but if I had any hope of salvaging our relationship, I needed to put a little distance between us before I did something else I’d regret. It would be better for him too. Just a few days to heal ourselves and then figure out what came next. I hoped he would see it that way.

  Chapter 39

  Nick

  I waited a little while before going back into the bedroom, hoping Ava would be asleep by the time I went in. I had to get my toothbrush, but I wanted to avoid another confrontation at all costs.

  Her words had stung but they hadn’t really surprised me. I could see the pain and regret on her face as soon as she said them. Deep down, I knew she didn’t mean it. We were both hurting, and sometimes people say things they don’t mean when they’re backed into a corner. It was my own fault, it was too soon. The accident had only been three days ago, and this was all still very new and raw for her. I thought the tough love approach would work, make her realize that we could get through this, that it wasn’t the end of the world. She was right, though, if she wanted to stay in bed and cry for a few days, who was I to stop her?

  What hurt me most was the way she spoke, like she was going through this on her own. Like it was her problem to deal with. Like she was the only one who had lost something. She was in a really deep and dark place, and I had absolutely no idea how to pull her out of it. If anything, I’d only pushed her farther into it.

  As much as I hated to admit it, maybe Alessandro was right. Maybe Ava needed to spend more time with her family. Her depression was something totally new to me, but they had dealt with it before. As much as I didn’t care for Bella lately, Ava needed her sisters right now.

  I pushed our bedroom door open as quietly as I could, not wanting to wake her if she was asleep.

  She wasn’t asleep. She was standing at the bed with an overnight bag, stuffing things inside of it.

  “What the hell are you doing?” My voice was hoarse.

  Ava looked up at me like a deer in headlights. She had probably been hoping to make her escape before I noticed.

  “Nick, I—” She scrambled for words. “I think we need a little time apart. We’re not good for each other right now.”

  “Ava.” I let out an exasperated breath. She was leaving me? “Don’t do this.”

  “I just need some space, okay? I need to figure this out and it’s not fair of me to be here until I do. Those things I said . . . I’m sorry, Nick. You don’t deserve that. Please don’t be upset with me.”

  My breath was completely taken away as I watched her robotically put her phone charger and a few other things from her nightstand into the bag. I couldn’t even form words as I watched my entire life preparing to walk out the door.

  “Ava, I could never be upset with you about how you’re feeling. Just don’t do this, please. I’ll give you all the time and space you need. I’ll do whatever—”

  “No.” She shook her head definitively. “This is your house, Nick. It’s not fair of me to ask you to do that. Look.” She sighed. “It’s just a few days. I’m going to go to Angie’s or something. I’ll be fine, I promise. And then in a few days when I’m thinking straight, we can talk.”

  She had clearly made up her mind. There was no way I could talk her out of it. I could just pretend it wasn’t slowly ripping my heart out. I took her hand in mine, and she flinched. “Ava, I’m fine with you going to see your sister, but I want you to tell me you’ll come home once these next few days are over. You said you weren’t going to run anymore. Promise me you’ll be back.”

  Ava bit her lip, heavy tears streaming down her cheeks. “I’ll text you when I get there.”

  She pulled away, rushing out of the room. I was too stunned to even move. A few seconds later, I heard the front door slam.

  That was all. No I love you, no indication of when I might see her again. She was gone. Ava had left.

  In a moment of desperate rage, I threw all the pillows off the bed into a heap on the floor. That was my first mistake, all it did was release her scent into the air. I continued my tirade, ripping pictures off the wall, throwing every piece of clothing out of the dresser, adding a few more holes to the wall with my fist. I knew it was childish, but I didn’t know what else to do.

  I knew I couldn’t stay here if all I was going to do was continue to destroy my property. Instead, I whipped out my phone and shot Leo a text to meet me at the bar. That wasn’t a healthy option, either, but it was certainly less expensive.

  An hour later, I had finished my seventh whiskey on the rocks and gone over every detail of what had happened with my brother. He had only listened, nodding occasionally and making supportive comments when needed.

  “And you never got a text?” he asked gently, trying not to poke the bear.

  I shook my head. “I called Angie and she didn’t show up there. She must have gone somewhere else.” My first thought was Jimmy, but all that did was make me nauseated. I was the last person she wanted to see, but that didn’t mean I was willing to let her walk around while someone was trying to kill her. Zane was working on trying to find her right now.

  “Do you want to look for her?” Leo asked.

  “I want to, but I don’t think that will do any good. Clearly, she doesn’t want to talk to me.” I threw back the rest of the drink and motioned to the bartender.

  Leo winced, holding in his opinion about me having another drink. “I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear, but maybe she just needs a little space. This has been a lot for her and she has to deal with it in whatever way she can. I’m sure she’ll come around.”

  Most of what Leo said we
nt over my head because I was focused on what was in the corner of the bar. Jimmy. He sat at a dark booth with some blond bimbo hanging on his arm, half-asleep. She was probably high as a kite.

  Leo hadn’t seen him yet, and if I played my cards right, I could go bash his skull in before Leo had time to stop me. I hated that guy, and he had shown up at the same place as me on the wrong night. The only thing keeping me in my seat was the fact that Ava wasn’t with him. Wherever the fuck she was, at least she hadn’t run to Jimmy, and that was a small silver lining.

  He caught me staring at him, and a darkness I didn’t recognize came over his face. I stiffened when I saw him stand up and approach me, readying myself for a fight.

  “Hey, Nick. I, uh, I heard about the accident,” Jimmy said, not meeting my eyes.

  “Yeah,” I spat, harshly. What game was he trying to play? He had never spoken so civilly to me in the entire time I knew him.

  “Is Ava . . . I mean, how are you guys doing?” he continued, not taking the hint that I really didn’t want him around right now. I hated the sound of her name in his mouth.

  “Fucking fantastic, Jimmy,” I scoffed, watching as the barkeep poured a hefty amount of whiskey into my nearly empty cup. I didn’t even have to ask anymore, he just knew.

  Jimmy sighed, as if this conversation was hard for him to have. “Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot, and that was entirely my fault. I just want to—”

  Without thinking I stood up abruptly, knocking my chair over. “The wrong foot?” I seethed. “Is that what you call shoving drugs down my wife’s throat and trying to move in on her in her moment of weakness?”

  “Nick, he’s trying to apologize, give the guy a break.” Leo looked at me sympathetically.