by Lily White
He let me go and I turned to stare down the road, hoping and praying for another set of headlights to light the path. But we were alone in the middle of nowhere. Not a single soul around to know my shame.
"I'll take a step back if that makes you feel more comfortable. You can lean up against the car and keep warm by the engine. That way, when you show me what you have, you don't shiver from the cold."
The man stepped back like he said he would and I considered running. But he was bigger than me and most likely faster. There wasn't anywhere I could go that he wouldn't find me.
Moving to the car, I leaned up against the hood and refused to look at the man as I uncrossed my arms. "What do you want to see?"
"All of it, baby. Take it all off real nice and slow."
My hands shook when I reached for the buttons of my shirt, images flashing in my head of the wooden shed where Elijah had first seen me without clothes. He'd married me that night in the eyes of God. He'd marked me and he'd taken my body like a husband does a wife. For six more nights he'd shown me just how a woman acts for a man. He'd shown me what it felt like to bask in his light.
Maybe if I pretended it was him standing in front of me, this would all be a lot easier.
My fingers moved over the buttons, unhooking one before moving to the next. My bottom lip trembled harder with each button that came undone. When I reached the bottom and pulled my shirt apart, I flinched at the soft hiss of breath over the man's lips. I cried to feel my nipples beading tight in response to the cold air that slipped in with greedy fingers to dance across my skin.
"Damn, baby. Your momma named you right. You definitely are the reason for the fall of man."
A zipper lowered, the soft susurration of metal against metal grabbing my attention where it carried across the wind. "I hope you don't mind if I touch myself while looking at you."
Pressing my lips together, I tried to stop the trembling, but it spread like fire over my body instead.
"The pants, baby girl. Take them off too."
I reached for the button and hesitated. When I peeked over at him, his hand was working back and forth over his length. He nodded his head in my direction. "Go on, baby. There's no need to be shy. I'll show you mine if you show me yours."
His grin widened showing me all his teeth. I bit the inside of my lip and pulled the button loose on my pants, my hands too shaky to work the zipper.
For as loose as the pants were, the zipper wasn't necessary. The material slipped down my legs regardless. By the time they puddled at my feet, the man was jerking himself harder, his own bottom lip caught between his teeth as his eyes widened and his chest beat with heavy breath.
"Kick them off," he demanded, the fake sweetness in his voice he'd used until then completely absent.
My voice wavered when I argued, "But you've seen me. Can't we just leave now?"
He laughed, the sound carrying over the way his hand slapped between his legs. "I haven't seen your ankles. And you haven't turned around to let me see your ass."
Tears were dropping steadily off my chin, but I nodded and kicked the pants away.
"I haven't seen your shoulders either. Take it off, all the way."
Closing my eyes, I did as he said and pulled the shirt from my shoulders. It slipped down my arms to fall to the ground, bunched and useless lying over the dirt.
He practically growled when he said, "Now turn around and spread your legs. Bend over the hood so I can get a real good look. I'm almost done and then we can go wherever you want."
"I don't want to," I cried.
"We made a deal, baby girl," he answered, his voice strained as his hand continuing pumping.
I'd already come this far. I was already naked and trembling on the side of the road, and there was nobody who would know what I'd done. Nobody but God. He had to forgive me. He had to know it was the only choice I had.
Turning slowly, I ignored the way he moaned to see my bottom. Spreading my legs, I bent over the hood like he said, the heat of the engine pressing against my chest sending goosebumps down my legs.
He was on me within a second, his excitement pressing against me as his hands reached between my breasts and the hood of the car. I bucked back, desperate to get him away, but he made a hushing sound at my ear as his fingers found the tight nipples of my chest.
"Shhhhh, baby. Calm down."
"You said look only!" I cried.
"I know. I know," he answered, his voice as soft as satin once again. "But baby, how can you blame me with the way you look? You were born to tempt men. I just want to touch you. Nothing more. Just a touch."
His hand massaged my breast, his excitement pressing against the split in my cheeks. When he forced a hand between our bodies he slipped that hard part of him between my legs. I closed my legs together, but it was still there, taunting me.
My body responded despite what my mind and heart were saying. This damn body full of sin and everything wicked. Crying harder I whispered to myself what Elijah had told me about myself, the words coming fast and growing in strength as I repeated them over and over.
"What's that, baby? I can't hear you."
His hips pushed closer, my legs pressing painfully into the side of the car.
"Your body is your temple? Is that what you're saying over and over again?"
Nodding my head, a sob broke free of my lungs.
"Oh, sweetheart, don't you worry. Your body is my temple, too, and I want to walk on inside to worship it properly."
I hated that I was wet between my legs, hated that my sin couldn't be contained without Elijah there to take it from me. I hated myself at that moment and just wanted this man to go away.
"It's not going to hurt, sweetheart. I promise. I'll make sure I make you feel right."
He reached between us again and pulled his hips away. When he pressed forward, he was against the opening of my body, threatening the sanctity that had only been Elijah's.
I screamed, but he released my breast to cover my mouth and muffle the sound.
And just as he was about to force himself in, something hit the back of his car hard enough to send us both flying.
JACOB
And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. Ezekiel 25:17
I was so angry when I pulled up on the scene that I didn't give a damn about damaging my truck just to get that son of a bitch off her. I sent a prayer to God that she wasn't hurt and that he'd forgive my rash behavior.
Feeling better after asking forgiveness before committing the sin, I jumped out of my truck and raced to where they'd landed, taking only a second to look over Sedra and make sure she wasn't injured before turning my attention on the asshole who had his disgusting hands all over her.
My fingers fisted into his greasy hair as I dragged him back. He could kick and scream all he wanted, but there was no seeing past the red haze of anger consuming me.
Eve sat up in the dirt to our side, sobs tearing through her body as she crawled toward where her clothes lay in a pile. Knowing she was physically okay made it easier for me to keep my attention on the bastard struggling beneath me.
"What the fuck? You hit my car! Let me the fuck go, asshole!"
He screamed up at me as I continued dragging him off the road. Slamming my fist into his face, I laughed when he spit out a tooth. I didn't give him a chance to yell again before my fist struck him four more times.
"You like to force yourself on crying women, you sick son of a bitch? Is that what you do for kicks?"
"She wanted it!" he screamed, blood gurgling in his throat from where his mouth was busted open.
Still holding him by his hair, I lifted my head to look at Sedra. "Did you want this guy shoving himself on you?"
She shook her head, tears spilling from her eyes as she clutched her shirt to her chest. "No," she answered, the one word cracked and broken from how hard she cried.
My gaze locked to the guy's face. "She just told me you're a liar." My fis
t hit his nose. “It’s a sin to lie.” Another punch. "You want to tell me the truth now?"
"Fuck man! Stop!" he cried out, opening his eyes to look at me. "What the fuck? Are you a priest?"
My fist caught his jaw and his head snapped back. I'd completely forgotten I was wearing my clerical collar. I hoped nobody happened to drive along to see a priest beating a man down along the side the road.
"Yes," I said, my voice eerily calm. "I am a priest and I'm here to tell you that you should have gone to church-" I hit him again before dropping him down to punt my boot into his side." "-a little more often-" Another kick, his body curling over itself as I hit him again. "-because it's a son of a bitch like you that needs to learn that raping women on the side of the road is not something God wants." Another punt. Another punch.
He was whimpering at that point, struggling to push himself up while I kept beating him back down. Every ounce of the violence I'd restrained inside myself was pouring out. Every drop raining down on him as a punch to the head or a kick to the spine. I knew I should stop. I knew I should leave him to wallow in his own blood now that Sedra was safe, but I lost control.
Just like every time this girl was around, I slipped away from the life I'd built for myself and found myself sliding towards temptation.
"Stop! You're a priest, please stop!"
Standing over him, my chest heaved with labored breath, my hand stung where I'd split my knuckles open on his teeth. And all I wanted to do was beat him down again.
"Elijah! Please! Stop!"
Sedra screamed from where she was seated by his car, her eyes locked to me, wide open to my violence. She was terrified not only because of what this asshole had done, but because of the violence she could plainly see bleeding out of me.
Huffing out a few more breaths just to force myself to speak evenly, I stared down at the pathetic excuse for a human being and struggled to remember my place. I was a priest, not some insane vigilante whose job it was to eradicate evil. I was supposed to spread love and the word of God, not brawl on the side of deserted roads.
I glanced over at Sedra one more time and remembered I was supposed to be the shepherd for my flock and not one of the wolves salivating to take down the weakest among them.
Shit!
This wasn't supposed to be my life.
My eyes focused on the man bleeding and crying at my feet. "The next time you want to think about God, you should remember what was written in His Holy Book. My God is a vengeful God toward all those who would dare destroy the righteous.”
The weak, beaten man kept crying as I marched to my truck. He was still crying when I opened the door and slammed open the glove box to grab a Bible I kept for distribution. He was just pushing himself up to his hands and knees when I marched back to him, kicked him beneath the ribs until he was flat on the ground again, and slammed the Bible down on his head.
"Here's the Lord's book you pathetic piece of shit. I suggest you read it!"
I wanted to kick him one more time - just one more time - but I didn't. I fought to gain control of myself in that moment no matter how badly I wanted to end this guy and toss him out to whatever animals would eat him.
But I didn't.
Instead, I stormed over to where Sedra was sitting and helped her to her feet. She hadn't bothered to put her clothes back on, she only clutched them to her chest. She was trembling so hard she couldn't walk and I picked her up to carry her to my truck. Once I had her tucked into the passenger seat, I rounded the back to climb in the other side. Casting one glance at the man still struggling over the dirt where I'd left him, I reversed my truck and peeled off down the road.
Sedra sobbed beside me as I drove silently along the dark road. I willed myself to calm down and help the woman who had made a mess of my life.
What I did to that man wasn't my best work, it wasn't even a proper sermon, but it felt so good to strike down the type of person that embodied the very thing I was working against in my calling. He was the demon wallowing in corruption. He was the wolf that would see a stranded woman on the side of the road and rape her just to make his life better.
He was exactly what I was supposed to be fighting against, but actually fighting him hadn't been the right answer. The ultimate judge is God. It was his vengeance that mankind had to fear. It wasn't our place to throw stones or condemn our brothers, but I was struggling with the forgiveness and love I was supposed to portray in my life as a devout man.
I didn't regret hurting that man so badly, but I still felt guilty about it. And there wasn't a confessional within a hundred miles for me to crawl into and admit all my recent sins.
Resisting the urge to reach out in comfort to touch Sedra's shoulder, I kept my eyes trained on the road, driving without speaking the entire ride back to the church.
I pulled up behind the rectory, happy for the cover of dark night and moved around the truck to open Sedra's door. She flinched in her seat when I touched her to help her down.
"Hey, it's fine. It's just me. I won't hurt you."
She didn’t respond, just balled up tighter over the bench seat.
“Sedra-“
“It’s Eve,” she whispered, her voice growing louder when she spoke again. “Not Sedra. You named me Eve and that’s my name.”
At that point I was willing to call her whatever she wanted just to get her out of the truck and into a bath. She was filthy, she was freezing, and she was trembling so hard, the edge of the truck was knocking against my knees.
“Okay, Eve. I’m going to carry you inside and get you into a bath. You need to wash the dirt off and get clean-“
“I’d be clean if you hadn’t left me outside the compound. I wouldn’t have been forced to do the things I did with that man, if you hadn’t-“
Her voice cut off abruptly, violent sobs racking the poor woman’s body until it seemed like she couldn’t breathe.
“Eve,” I whispered, “Come on, let me help you.”
Slipping my arms behind her back and under her knees, I pulled her out of the seat and cradled her against my chest. I didn’t even bother closing the door to my truck. She was too fractured, too in need of warmth and peace that the details didn’t matter.
I was responsible for this. Not Jericho. Not Sedra. Not the two men at the compound who refused to let her inside.
Me.
I’m the one who decided to take her back knowing all the horrible things my brother was doing to her. I was the one who left her on the side of the road when they refused to accept her back.
It might as well have been me on the road forcing my body on her, because if it hadn’t been for my selfishness, my cowardice and my disregard for what it truly meant to be a priest, she wouldn’t have been in that situation in the first place.
Even though I was the person responsible for every horrible thing that happened to her tonight, it didn’t mean I couldn’t remember who I was, who I’d been for the past twelve years, and give everything I had just to put her back together.
Watching her break down in my arms was my flagellation. Suffering to refuse temptation while I put her back together would be my penance.
Entering the rectory, I took her straight back to my room, kicked the door open and walked her through into the bathroom. I sat her down on the floor while I hurried to fill the tub. Steam billowed off the surface of the water, a gossamer shroud that would conceal us in the nightmare she needed to wash away.
Sedra was so splintered, so regretfully innocent that she had neither the knowledge nor the ability to protect herself in the world around us. She was the perfect prey, the bait that tastes the sweetest because she only wants to see the good in people.
She only wanted to be good herself.
Giving everything to a man she believed loved her. Sacrificing her own identity to fulfill whatever sick delusions he had of her. They were all symptoms of the good inside her.
When she first appeared in my life, I couldn’t move fast enough to get away from
her. Her body was the perfect temptation, her submission the poison that could drag a godly man into Hell itself. She was everything evil we’re warned about in the world just by merely existing.
But yet, she wasn’t evil.
She was the illusion of evil.
Purity wrapped in the sinful cage of a woman who didn’t know any better.
Tempting me had never been her intention. That was a problem with me, with my weaknesses and my deviant darkness.
Sedra had the essence of a fallen angel, and when she opened her eyes to look up at me from the floor, all I saw behind them was tragedy.
Swallowing down the acrid taste of guilt that coated my tongue, I spoke softly. “Do you need help getting in the bath?”
Her eyes darted from my face down to my collar and back up again, a shiver coursing down her spine immediately after.
Turning to look in the mirror, I saw the blood splatter that had stained my white clerical collar black. Ripping it off my neck, I tossed in the trash next to the sink and sunk down onto my knees to look Sedra in the eye.
“Can I help you, Eve? Please.”
She shook her head, opening and closing her mouth several times before finally saying what was on her mind.
“You shouldn’t say please. It’s beneath you, Elijah. You’re stronger than that.”
On a softer voice, she added, “Stronger than me.”
If she’d used a knife to slice at my soul, it would have been less painful than her words. All her life, this woman had been led astray, misguided, made to believe that her entire existence was meant for one man. She’d been cast out into the woods in the dead of night. Made to run miles just to land at the doorstep of a priest who should have helped her.
And what did I do? I threw her back to the monsters who’d used her, who’d abused her, who’d stripped her of her entire identity and replaced it with everything they wanted her to be.
All because I couldn’t handle my own desires. All because I didn’t want to deal with whatever games my brother had in store for me.
Sedra shouldn’t call me the strong one, at least not the man I’d been up until this moment.