by Lily White
It wasn’t until I’d had it shoved in my face in the last few days that I realized I hadn’t become a priest out of some desperation to know and love God. I’d become a priest to hide from life, to seclude myself in an existence that kept me safe from the mistakes of my past, and especially a life that kept people safe from me.
If I wasn’t strong enough to control myself, who was I to believe I could save another person’s soul?
“I’m not stronger than you.”
She laughed, the sound sad and distressed. “You have the might of God at your hand, and I have nothing. Not now that you’ve abandoned me.”
Picking her up, I pushed to my feet and crossed the room to lower her into the water. She hissed as the heat met her skin, but within minutes she stopped shaking. Her head fell back against the tub and she released a sigh full of every terrible emotion. Water splashed around her, the sound soothing in the silence of the small room.
Settling down next to her, I handed her a bar of soap and a washrag. She took them from my hands, but her attempt at bathing herself was shaky at best. Sedra wasn’t with me in the room. She was still stuck out there on that deserted road.
“Why did you walk away from the compound?” I asked. “I told you to stay there, that they’d let you in.”
Lifting her foot out of the water, she jut her chin at a large cut on her big toe. “They shot at me. If I stayed there, they would have killed me.”
Her head twisted to the right until her green eyes locked with mine. “But you already know that, don’t you? It’s why you made me wear pants. So the rocks and birdshot wouldn’t cut my skin when it sprayed up.”
My head shook in denial. “No, Eve. That’s not why I gave you the pants.”
A tear slipped from her eye, her lips pulling tightly together as she struggled not to cry. “So, all of this wasn’t part of your test? Part of my punishment for having run?”
“This isn’t punishment, Eve.”
There was no excuse for me continuing the charade that I was Elijah, but I feared telling her that this wasn't a game - at least on my part - would only upset her more.
When it came to Eve, there was only one reality. There was the cult she called her family, and there was Elijah. Her existence was intended for him only. She became Eve on the night he warped her mind and showed her the pleasure that comes from pain.
There wasn't a world outside the walls of the compound. There was nothing in this life for her but the man she believed she'd married.
To her, I was that man, and there was nothing I could say or do to prove otherwise. My brother and I were identical. In appearance, in DNA, in blood and all that mattered. The only thing that told us apart was our fingerprints.
I highly doubted Eve would take what I could offer as proof, without accusing me of lying again.
She was that far gone.
"I'm sorry I left you. It was a bad decision, and everything that happened to you was my fault. I won't do that to you again."
The corner of her lip curled; shy, resolute, and so full of sorrow that her expression was a palpable pulse across my bones.
"It's my fault for running in the first place," she finally said, her eyes averted as if she couldn't look at me and admit what she believed was the truth. "And what happened on the road is my fault as well." Her eyes met mine. "You know that."
"I don't know that."
She laughed, a short burst of sound that shook her shoulders once. Water splashed in the tub at her feet, and then everything went so quiet you could hear the small drops of water slide off her chin to fall to the bath below.
"I'm full of sin, Elijah. You told me that in the cabin by the compound. You showed me how-" Her lips pulled together, her eyes blinking once before she looked away. "You showed me how bad I want it. How easy it is for me to give in. How my body craves it. That makes what happened out there tonight my fault. I am temptation. It's why we keep our eyes down. It's why the only man I'm willing to truly look at is you."
Her eyes lifted, the green dull with uncertainty. "I didn't want that man tonight. He was disgusting and evil and not you, but-"
It drove me to the edge of madness each time her voice trailed off. Somewhere inside that head of hers, there was Sedra, the girl she'd been before my brother groomed her. Before he'd twisted her thoughts so thoroughly that she couldn't see beyond what he'd taught her.
I knew members of cults, and other individuals who had been brainwashed or deceived for years, needed help beyond what I could provide Sedra. I knew they needed therapy and rehabilitation, and that sometimes it took years for them to finally open their eyes and see the truth staring them directly in the face. I also knew that forcing that help on them was practically impossible, especially if they were adults and weren't in obvious danger.
As far as I knew, Jericho hadn't done anything that was a verifiable crime. And if I knew my twin well enough, he would have covered his tracks if he had.
Taking Sedra some place for the help she needed would be the same as what I did tonight. It would be handing her back over to her manipulator because she would always return to him and there was nobody who could stop her.
Even now, even after being abandoned on the side of the road and almost raped as a result of it, she still looked at me like I was her world. She looked at me exactly as she would look at Jericho.
To her, my brother and I were one in the same. He wanted her to believe I was him. It's why he had ordered she not be allowed back in the compound and refused to show his face next to mine. But what I didn't know was whether the men who came to the gate were in on Jericho's schemes, or if they also believed I was him.
The worst of the problem, for me at least, wasn't the game being played against Sedra, it was the fact that I hated the way she looked at me, only because there was a part of me that wanted to take full advantage.
There was still darkness inside me that not even God's light had been able to touch.
"But," I prodded softly in an effort to continue pulling out the thoughts she kept secret, if for nothing more than to piece together the puzzle and find a way to break her of Jericho's hold, to find a way to rid myself of the situation before I was ensnared in temptation's web to become a fallen man.
"I need to confess," she breathed out, the words barely loud enough to cross the little distance between us.
Remaining silent, I thought she'd speak her confession once she'd found the strength to do so. Instead, she looked to me for help.
"What do you need to confess?"
"Pain," she whispered. "Just like in the cabin. Just like what you taught me."
A tremor coursed across my bones, my skin prickling with warning. I couldn't be the person who gave her that pain, only because I worried I would lose control.
"Haven't you had enough pain tonight?"
Tears burst from her eyes, a sound escaping her chest that was so full of mourning it hurt just to hear it.
"Please. I need the pain that purifies when I speak my confession. It's the only way to purge the sin."
Damn it, Jericho. You son of a bitch.
The more I was learning of what he'd taught Sedra, the more I wanted to end him simply to wipe his type of insanity from existence.
"That's not how confession works, Eve."
"I need it," she whispered between clenched teeth. "Please, Elijah, please don't make me carry this. I'm not strong enough, I'm not-"
She panicked as she spoke, her anxiety building until water was splashing out of the tub, her body moving in my direction to grab on to me while I moved back. When her hand landed on my arm, her fingers gripped down, devastation building behind her eyes until I thought she'd break under the pressure.
"I need this," she breathed out, her tears a steady stream from eyes swollen and red. "I can't get rid of this myself."
There was no doubt she truly needed what she asked for. Instinct told me to get away from her as quickly as possible, but compassion told me to give her what sh
e thought she needed.
It wasn't entirely without reason that she believed pain would purify her of the emotions teeming inside her. For many - even those who haven't been warped by a manipulator like Jericho - physical pain was their only escape from the storm of emotional pain inside. Some people become self-harmers. They cut themselves or seek solace in substances that destroy their minds and bodies. Some seek the release through violence against others. And some seek release through sex. The physical pain, the exertion of their body, is a means to an end, a valve through which they can relieve the pressure threatening them on the inside.
Jericho had found Sedra's means of relief, and he'd apparently twisted it and groomed it, until it was the only means for her to cope and survive.
Had I not felt so guilty for what happened to her on the road, I may have been strong enough to deny her what she thought she needed, but there was a small voice inside me that told me the emotional pain she suffered now was entirely my fault.
I owed this to her.
Didn't I?
"Okay, Eve. I'll help you."
Her body relaxed, a breath of pure relief flowing over her parted lips that drew my eye. So full, those lips were the gateway to my brand of sin, the rounded, soft perfection that reminded me of the man I'd once been - of the woman who had been my undoing.
My eyes closed as I threw up a silent prayer, as I begged and pleaded for the strength only God could give me to remain true to the vows I'd made to him in atonement for my crimes.
"Let's get you out of the bath," I said, opening my eyes to find her looking at me in a way that no woman had looked at me since Cassandra.
A shiver coursed through my body, a thread of darkness coming alive to weave itself around my self-control.
Happy to stand up from the side of the tub and move away from her into the bedroom, I pulled a towel from the closet, shut the door, and pressed my forehead against the cool surface of the wood.
Could I do this without losing myself to it? Was I strong enough to find a way to help her that didn't drag me back down into the depths of ultimate sin?
I didn't know, and that lack of knowing is what terrified me the most.
By the time I forced myself back into the bathroom, Eve was standing up in the water, the drops slipping over her naked body begging to be chased by my tongue. But remembering what I'd seen done to her tonight, remembering the way that beast of a human being had hurt her, was enough to snap me out of the desire I didn't want to admit or face.
I needed to confess, but given everything that kept happening, I didn't think God was listening. Either that or this wasn’t Eve’s test of faith. It was mine.
Approaching her, I wrapped the towel around her and pulled her from the tub. After helping her dry off completely, I was filled with dread for what was about to occur. I didn't speak because I couldn't trust my voice not to crack under the strain of my internal battle, so I just motioned with my hand for her to walk into my bedroom.
So perfectly obedient, she dutifully crossed into the next room, planted herself against the wall and waited for me to punish her for whatever it was she felt she did wrong.
My jaw ached from how hard I clenched my teeth, but I walked over to her regardless. I felt my body responding to temptation. That part of me filling and lengthening until my pants were uncomfortable and I wanted them off. The collar of my shirt was too tight, the pressure only relieved when I pulled the top two buttons loose.
Sedra's eyes immediately tracked down to the small amount of skin those open buttons revealed. But it wasn't the direction of her gaze that killed me, it was the absolute need I saw behind it.
Taking a steadying breath, I reached out to take her wrists in my hands, pull them above her head, and hold them to the wall. Her body quivered, forcing a pang of bitter torment through mine. I stepped forward and pressed myself to her. Moving so that her wrists were trapped beneath only one of my hands, I trailed my fingertips down her arm, along her side, finally placing it on her hip as my forehead pressed to hers.
"What is your confession, child?"
My question came out breathless, revealing the pain she was causing me.
The warmth of her breath fanned over my face, my eyes closing against a sensation I hadn’t felt since the day I promised God I would never give in to my desires again.
“I asked for it,” she whispered. “For that man to scare me. For him to want me.”
If Sedra had been a sex addict, or some other person who just needed the act regardless of who they committed it with, I would have worried that I’d beaten down an innocent man. But I knew that couldn’t be possible. Sedra was fully devoted to only one man.
Her eyes only saw Elijah, even when it was me staring back at her.
I despised how much that blatant truth hurt.
Whereas I was trapped in her web without her even realizing it, she would never see me.
EVE
Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious to me and teach me your law.
Psalm 119:29
“Tell me how you asked for it.”
His voice was strained and I worried that he was angry with me, that what he’d witnessed tonight on the side of the road had been the final strike, the spear that was driven into his side.
Or more accurately – the spear that was driven into my side.
“I should never have stopped walking. I shouldn’t have talked to him. I shouldn’t have tempted him by looking him in the eyes. My eyes weren’t trained to the ground as you’ve always told me they should be. Evil is all around us, Elijah, and I fell prey to it.”
His lips pulled tight, his breathing so steady that it was a beat against my chest. I watched the shadows dance over his face, followed the stray rays of light that reached in to highlight the dark stubble along his tan skin, the twitch of his jaw from clenching his teeth.
He breathed out, long and hard. It didn’t make his voice any stronger. “You are forgiven.”
“There’s more,” I admitted, my eyes wide open while his remained closed. “Something much worse.”
His fingers tightened over my wrists and hip and the first delicious rush of pain crept through my body. I needed more.
I craved it.
“I let him touch me. Not like, you know, that. Not at first. But I let him dance with me. I tried to fight, but he wouldn’t let me go. So I gave in.”
His hands tightened more, another decadent tendril of pain wrapping over my bones.
Seduce me, Eve… No matter what I say, what I do, you must show me how loyal you can be.
I was giving him all of myself, even those parts that I didn’t want to show myself.
“I opened my clothes for him. He promised me he’d help me for just one look. I knew he lusted for me. He touched himself when my breasts were exposed.”
Elijah’s body shuddered against mine, his hands wrapping even tighter. I breathed out the pleasure his teasing torment caused and it felt like his breath stopped for just a split second in response.
Time moved so slowly between us at that moment, I wasn’t sure the world outside our bodies still existed at all.
“I liked watching him touch himself,” I breathed out.
I thought my bones would snap beneath his fingers and I cried out, his grip releasing slowly as his body went completely still.
“What happened next?” he asked with so much tension in his voice that my breath hitched in my lungs to hear it.
“He asked me to take off my pants. To spread my legs and turn around so I could bend over the car. He wanted to see every part. He said he needed to so he could finish what he was doing.”
Elijah’s eyes opened and pinned me with their intensity. Slowly his gaze trailed down between our bodies, pausing on my breasts, on the painfully tight tips, before climbing back to my face.
His mouth was dangerously close. It was so tempting just to push forward that small amount of space to lick my tongue against the soft flesh. He must have noticed my
gaze locked on that part of him. His teeth bit down on the pillow of his bottom lip, his hands holding me against the wall until I couldn’t move.
“And you did as he asked?”
“Exactly as he asked. Even when I knew I shouldn’t. I was so scared. So –“ My words cut off. I couldn’t admit that part, I was too afraid of his anger for knowing how I’d felt.
“When I turned, when I was no longer watching him working his hand over, well, over that part of him, he was on me, against me, it felt like he surrounded me.”
Tears streamed from my eyes, my guilt building until even the pain of his hands wasn’t enough to assuage the turmoil consuming me. I took a steadying breath, knowing that I had to tell him everything. That he wouldn’t accept not knowing the full truth.
“I’m sorry, Elijah, for what I have to tell you next.”
“Confess,” he breathed out, his eyes closing so slowly that I could follow his sooty dark eyelashes down, could see them fan out over his skin.
“When I thought he would take me over the hood of that car, when I felt the heat of his body pressed to mine…”
Oh, God, I’m so sorry…
“…I liked it. I need to be controlled. It’s what brings me to life.”
His body shuddered again, his hands so tight that tears sprang from my eyes, euphoria spreading over me until I was weak beneath him.
If his weight hadn’t been pressed to mine, I would have melted to the ground, a puddle of shameful need that could only be reshaped by the strength of his hands.
His lips parted, heavy breath blowing through to caress my face. Our chests beat together, our mouths so dangerously close. Elijah moved, and when I thought he would kiss me, his head angled just slightly, the warmth of his lips trailing along my jaw, down my neck, until stopping on my shoulder.
The scent of his hair overwhelmed me, the excitement of his body pressing against my stomach, stealing every bit of my focus.
When his teeth bit down into my skin, my mouth parted on a cry of pleasure, my mind spinning in so many directions I didn’t know up from down, right from wrong, or where my body ended and his began.