In a Daze

by Jin (Shizen no Teki-P)

  I sighed, tensed up by my thoughts. The boiling heat was dragging my spirits further downward.

  I could feel the sweat, which had busily cycled between nothing and free-flow all day, once again gradually bead up on my forehead.

  “I should just go home…”

  No point sticking around here. I put the phone in my pocket and stood up.

  Feeling a lightly cool sensation from my legs as they freed themselves from the chair, I turned my eyes toward a faraway point. Across the school building, all around the fairly large fields that lay beyond, I could hear shouts echoing from all the sports clubs as they practiced.

  This must be what they call “youth.” It felt like something foreign to me, like something was rushing me right past it.

  After a sigh (I couldn’t guess how many that made it today), I began to walk off. As I did, I saw a flyer placed on the table where the girls had been sitting earlier.

  The colorful, cartoony lettering and lineup of typically cutesy characters you see everywhere in ads revealed that it was a flyer for a new “fancy goods” shop near the rail station.

  They were apparently holding a big launch event today and yesterday, with 13TH and 14TH written in large, splashy numbers.

  After looking around and very carefully crossing over, I picked up the flyer, only half-interested in what it had to say.

  The next moment, I couldn’t believe my eyes.

  “…Ahh!”

  To be honest, I was never one for cutesy girl-power accessories like this store sold, but there was one photo, likely placed on the far corner of the flyer just so every square inch of the ad could be filled with something. LIL’ SOCKEYE STRAP, the caption said. It was absolutely, unbelievably cute.

  The thing was printed so small on the flyer that you could really only get an idea of its shape and general atmosphere, but judging solely by the silhouetted legs growing out of an extremely unlikely part of its body, it was definitely a shining light in the phone-strap genre.

  Swallowing nervously, I turned my head around, making sure the coast was clear.

  Looking at the flyer, I noticed the words LIMITED TIME ONLY! front and center, although it wasn’t clear what they referred to exactly.

  I took a breath, then jammed the flyer into my bag.

  Glugging down the rest of the bottle, one hand sassily rested on a hip, I tossed it into the trash and hastily left the school grounds…

  —I was dizzy, no doubt from running full-bore under the punishing sun.

  The alley I had ducked into was lined with a jumble of uniformly gray buildings, likely part of a larger apartment complex. It felt like a labyrinth. The air was a little cooler, probably thanks to the shade, but I had no time to spend mulling over it.

  I couldn’t catch my breath.

  Hunching downward, I put one hand on the wall, sweat drip-dripping off my face and leaving wet marks on the ground.

  Removing my bag, I collapsed in a heap.

  “Huff…huff…”

  Slowly, my breathing regained its normal tempo.

  My head, still not quite caught up with current events, gradually shuddered back into operation. I recalled the conversation I had just experienced, and now tears began to drop out of my eyes.

  I leaned back against the wall, curling myself up, knees against my chest.

  Something in me wanted to cry out with every decibel I could muster, but bad things would happen right now if I made any noise.

  I pressed my face against my bag, but my eyes were still a flash flood of tears. I had no idea what would happen to me.

  Why did it have to turn out like this?

  I wish I never had this kind of body.

  I want to speak normally, to go shopping normally, to live normally.

  I have no idea what I am, and I wish I could just erase it all.

  I wish I could’ve just died alone! Alone, with nobody ever finding me!

  Let’s go back a little.

  After leaving school, I visited a public bathroom to change into what I hoped were my drab, unremarkable street clothes.

  But the moment I arrived at the main street on the way to the rail station, several dozen people turned their eyes toward me at once.

  I couldn’t have looked more different from the frilly girl on the giant plasma screen looming over town, but one by one, they came closer to me, calling my name.

  Oh, crap. The moment the thought flashed across my mind, it was too late.

  The street would just begin to get crowded around this time of day. I hadn’t thought my plan out far enough.

  In a moment, a crowd had formed. I couldn’t go anywhere, forward or backward.

  They all had their phones in hand, trying to take pictures of me with their cameras.

  In a flash, the crowd grew even deeper. All I could do was stare at the 360-degree wall of cameras pointed at me.

  Did I do something wrong?

  I didn’t have enough self-awareness. That much was my fault.

  But still, I wanted to at least try to act like a normal girl, just a little more.

  That’s all.

  The noise of the constantly clicking shutters, coupled with the murmur from the growing crowd, was a harsh static like none I’d heard before. The suddenness of it all nauseated me. Just as I thought I was about to collapse, a police siren washed out the sound instantly.

  It was not that narrow a sidewalk, but apparently the crowd had bubbled out into traffic to the point where someone called the authorities. But they still didn’t let me through. If anything, I felt like the siren was a huge billboard in itself, beckoning yet more onlookers to snuff me out.

  But I was the one calling them all to me.

  The eyes of everyone on this street were locked in.

  A number of police officers clawed their way toward me through the crowd.

  One of them placed a hand on my shoulder, barking some command. The next moment, I plunged into the ever-so-small hole in the crowd they had created.

  I tried to keep going forward, but it was like an endless tunnel to me.

  I felt like the writhing masses were going to crush me, and the road ahead grew narrower and narrower.

  Groping around for purchase, I felt someone pulling my hand forward.

  The next thing I knew, the way was clear before me, giving me a full view of the wide street.

  I wondered who had rescued me. I had no time to find out.

  Hurriedly, I broke into a run, but when I turned around, I could see the throng chasing after me, like they had all merged into one larger creature.

  I escaped down a side alley, which reduced their numbers, but now they had scattered, pursuing me with phones in hand.

  Pressing down the road, I kept running, no destination in mind, choosing whatever twist and turn seemed the most convoluted and hidden.

  I could no longer tell up from down. All that mattered was running.

  “Ah…!”

  I ran down a narrow path, only to find it terminate at a dead end.

  Turning around in a panic, I found that retracing my steps was not an option.

  —My chest burned. I could hardly breathe.

  I stood there, spent, my thought processes shut down, and then my phone began to ring.

  Flustered, I looked at the screen. It was my manager.

  I tentatively answered the call. From a room alive with the sounds of phone conversations, my manager began to speak, almost in a snarl.

  “Hello?! Where are you?!”

  “I, I don’t know…I, uh…”

  “The police just called the agency. This entire place is in a panic! Ugh…Why did you have to do this now, of all times?”

  “Um, I…I’m sorry that—”

  “Do you even realize what you are right now?! Listen! You aren’t a ‘normal’ girl, all right? You should have known that this would happen!”

  “…ormal?”

  “Hmm? What did you say? Speak up so I can hear you…!”

>   “Am…am I really that abnormal?! I changed clothes and everything…but they all…they all looked at me, like I was some weird thing…! I, I can’t take this! I’m not going back anymore…! Thank you for everything!”

  “What…? Wait, wait a—”

  I ended the call, not bothering to hear her response.

  What did I just say? I had only barely caught my breath. My mind was still subfunctional.

  All I knew was that I had done something very, very bad, and I thought I understood how much trouble I had just put upon so many people. But, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t will myself to call back and apologize. Anything but that.

  Amid the incessant whine of the cicadas, the faraway sounds of traffic, and the feeble vibration I felt from the air vent along the wall, time passed. How much, I didn’t know.

  I didn’t think anyone had pursued me into the alley I was slumped down inside, but I could no longer move, sitting there as the seconds floated on by.

  I wondered if my mother had heard about what happened yet.

  She had always cheered me on, no matter what. Nobody was happier for me when news of my CD release broke.

  I was so happy to see that. It made everything else seem worth it.

  And now I’ve gone and stabbed her in the back, too.

  All I thought about was myself, and now I’ve messed up all these other people’s lives…

  These emotions I was powerless to repress welled up into tears, one after the other, flowing out of my eyes.

  I thought about going off to some faraway land, but no matter where I went, there was probably no escaping other people’s eyes. I knew that much already. I knew how “abnormal” I was by this point…

  Suddenly, a deeper sense of anxiety coursed across my heart.

  Casually, I removed my face from the bag and turned to the side. The sight I saw there made my heart jump out of my throat.

  “Ah…Aaahhhh!!”

  I lost my balance, my body unprepared for sudden physical activity, and I landed sprawled out on the ground.

  Someone was standing at the exit of the dead-end alley.

  It was the middle of summer, but the hood on his long-sleeved jacket was covering his head, his long hair flowing out from the sides.

  The surprise was that this man was close enough to me that I could have reached out and touched him.

  Did he silently make his way all the way over here? If he did, I was in deep trouble.

  I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

  On the ground, unable to move or defend myself, I was in what I suppose you’d call “dire straits.”

  “Oh, uh…Sorry. I wasn’t trying to surprise you or anything like that…”

  I heard a slightly husky, yet warm female voice emanate from the hood.

  “…Eh?”

  I was already seeing my life flash before my eyes, prepared for whatever horrible fate would befall me. I could barely manage a pathetic reply to her kind words.

  Looking up at her again, I spotted a refined-looking face and pale white skin.

  By the way she carried herself I assumed she was a man, but she was female…and one who most people would classify as beautiful.

  I was still on the ground. She knelt down so our eyes could meet, took another look around our surroundings, then spoke in hushed tones.

  “I saw all that…stuff that just happened. That was quite a show you put on there.”

  “That…stuff?”

  “The crowd on the sidewalk. I didn’t think it’d erupt into such a huge thing like that, though.”

  If she had caught all that, that meant she had pursued me all the way from the massive mob to this empty alleyway.

  So was she just another one of the rabble, another curious onlooker hoping for a peek at me…?

  The bleak depression from before returned to the forefront, this time mixed with a smattering of anger.

  “I…I’m quitting all of this, okay? So please…please, stop chasing me! Uh…I mean, if you want an autograph, then okay, but…”

  Huh. Look at that. I really could say what I really thought sometimes.

  And if I got that much across, that should hopefully make her understand. She seemed like a sensible enough woman.

  For an emergency like this, I could whip up an autograph no problem. I prayed it was enough to make her happy.

  Gingerly, I opened my eyes to gauge her response. She looked blankly at me, her stare indicating she had no idea what I was talking about.

  “Um…No, I mean, I wasn’t chasing you, and I don’t need your autograph either. But you quit your career for this…?”

  The response was wildly off the mark from the reaction I expected.

  She wasn’t pursuing me? So if she’s not a fan of mine, then…

  I felt my anxiety ease off a little bit before tightening once more.

  If she wasn’t a fan, then was she here to kidnap me or something like that?

  Does she want to take me for ransom?! I don’t have anywhere to run! This is really, really bad!

  But the woman didn’t attack me. She simply stood there, hands thrust into her pockets.

  She then took out a cell phone, no cover, completely unadorned.

  “It’s still a bit before the appointed time. I guess it’s just an accident that you showed up here, but this actually works out great. We’re right nearby, too.”

  “Huh? The appointed time…?”

  “Hmm? I’m pretty sure I was told one p.m. Or did I get that wrong?”

  I took out my own phone and looked at the screen. The amount of missed calls and messages waiting for me on the standby screen was getting a tad out of hand.

  The reality facing me was now exposed in plain, digital form, making me feel like I had taken a heavy ball of iron and swallowed it whole.

  The readout notified me that it was exactly half past ten.

  One p.m…The appointed time…

  “Oh…”

  Now it all made sense to me.

  This woman was part of the film crew for the TV drama.

  That would explain why she followed me all the way from the initial chaos, even though she swore she wasn’t part of the crowd.

  The fact that she was aware of the one p.m. meet-up time with my manager made it all the more likely. The agency probably sent her over once they heard about the chaos to make sure I would make it to shooting on time.

  Still, I was no longer in any mood to say “Oh, sure, no problem, I hear you loud and clear.”

  I had just clearly told this woman that I had decided to quit.

  Yet she was still intent on taking me with her…which was her job, yes, but I was no longer interested in blindly following orders.

  I forced myself up to my feet and spoke to this woman, already walking toward the alley exit.

  “Um…I decided to quit my job. And I don’t want to go back home for a while, either, so…like, do you understand what I mean?”

  This time, I was calmer, more collected with my words. Surely she would get the message this time.

  “…Sure, sure, I know you’ve made up your mind. So would you mind just following me for now?”

  Her expression was gentler as she looked me in the eye and began walking again.

  I could see the wisdom in fleeing from this woman and finding another hole to hide in. But I couldn’t. She seemed to understand me. She knew my mind was made up, and her expression made her seem trustworthy enough.

  If I went to the studio, my manager would be waiting for me.

  She would be absolutely livid, no doubt about that.

  Imagining the all-time mother of lectures looming in my future, I could feel my tear ducts loosening up already.

  But I had to tell her. I had to make it clear.

  I wanted this to end today.

  I would explain everything about how I felt, I would accept all the rage that I’d get for it, and that would be that.

  My resolve fully regained, I followed
in the woman’s footsteps.

  Once I was by her side, I realized that the segment of my face I had pushed into the bag was a wet mess of tears and sweat and…whatever else.

  “Ugh…”

  “Mm? Something wrong?”

  “No, uh…It’s nothing.”

  “…You sure? I mean, you’ll definitely want to wash that bag and your clothing later.”

  I could feel my face burn like fire, as if someone had taken a match to it.

  “Y…yeah…”

  Her perception was sharp. Whoever she was, she was no doubt gifted in her job.

  After spending what seemed like the entire day running from this, running from that, I wanted nothing more than a cold shower.

  I let this desire occupy my brain as I walked, keeping a little distance behind the woman in the jacket.

  We made a right out of the dead end, then a left at the second intersection afterward. Next we took the first small pathway on the right, followed it to the end, made a left…

  I followed the woman as she silently kept walking, not exchanging a word of conversation.

  It felt like we were diving deep into the far reaches of town. I’d had no idea any of these streets existed.

  If I recalled correctly, the scene we were scheduled to shoot today involved me visiting the house of a “less-than-wealthy” friend.

  It made sense. The multifamily units and apartment buildings that lined the streets were not exactly breathtaking.

  The crew was no doubt busily preparing for the shoot right now. I was unsure how I would broach the subject of my decision.

  My stomach hurt terribly.

  “Over here.”

  Without warning, the woman in the jacket stopped and changed direction.

  She was pointing toward a narrow, dimly lit corridor, one that made the twisty passages we were navigating up until now seem like opulent multilane boulevards.