The Never Have I Ever Club

by Mary Jayne Baker

  ‘Seriously?’

  ‘Yeah, him and Ash nearly had a punch-up over it. “Hey, mate, I’ve shagged your bird” isn’t the most diplomatic conversation-starter, is it? Then two minutes later they’d shaken hands and were the best of friends again.’ Will shrugged. ‘That’s stag dos for you. Go on, your turn.’

  ‘Okay, since the gloves are off.’ She held up her glass. ‘Never have I ever thrown up the one and only time I smoked a joint.’

  Will put his glass down and folded his arms.

  ‘Well, go on,’ Robyn said.

  ‘Nope. Never happened.’

  ‘Yes it did, mate, I was there smoking it with you. Geography field trip, Year Eleven, Alex Soames’s tent – ring any bells?’

  ‘It wasn’t me who was sick though, it was Ash. Don’t you remember him making us swear not to tell anyone?’

  She groaned. ‘Oh God. It was, wasn’t it?’

  ‘Go on then, Bloom,’ he said, swapping her drained glass for the one containing his remaining sherry. ‘You lose, you drink.’

  ‘Being an identical twin definitely counts as cheating. How am I supposed to remember which one of you did which stupid thing twenty sodding years ago?’ She finished his drink. ‘I’ll be hammered before we make it to Die Hard o’clock at this rate.’

  He laughed. ‘Maybe we should try a less boozy game. Did Ash ever teach you to play Home Alone?’

  ‘Eh?’

  Will pushed himself to his feet so he could refill their sherry glasses. ‘It’s a game we made up when we were kids. All you do is pretend to be Kevin McCallister planning your attack. Then you tell each other what booby trap you’d make with stuff you can see lying around.’

  ‘Okay, sounds like a laugh. You start.’

  ‘Right.’ He glanced around the room. ‘Well, we’ve got the sherry. Harry and Marv look like lads who wouldn’t say no to a drink. We could leave the bottle on the table, lure them in like evil housebreaking Santas. And it could be spiked with…’ His gaze settled on a can of furniture polish he’d left on the windowsill. ‘Ahaha, do I spy my old friend Mr Sheen? That little cocktail ought to make them pretty sick. Then when they’re all slow and groggy, you hit them with…?’

  He nodded to her, waiting for her answer.

  ‘Thanks to your thoughtful Christmas gift, I don’t need to come up with any fancy-schmantzy booby traps.’ She took out her folded knife and mimed drawing it along his neck. ‘Thrust, slice, and zip, job done. Keep the change, ya filthy animal.’

  ‘Bloody hell,’ Will said, guiding her hand away from his throat. ‘Tell you what, this remake’s significantly darker than the original.’

  ‘Hey, at least it’d be quick. Better than the lingering death by brain injury you’d probably suffer after a couple of paint cans to the face.’

  ‘Well, that is true.’ He smiled. ‘Bloom, you know you’re a bit of an oddball, right?’

  ‘I’m assuming by “oddball” you mean “psycho”. Still less of a sadist than McCallister though.’

  ‘Fair.’

  She leant back against the sofa.

  ‘You want to stick the telly back on?’ she said, her eyes closing. ‘Just for a bit while I rest my eyes.’

  ‘All right.’ He glanced at the Radio Times. ‘They’ve got It’s A Wonderful Life about to start on BBC 2. How’s that?’

  ‘Yeah, anything. I just… need a little break.’

  Less than quarter of an hour into the film, she started snoring. Will smiled at the head that had fallen onto his shoulder. Gently, he pulled down the throw on top of the sofa to cover her with.

  ‘You know, I might have to join you,’ he said with a yawn. ‘Just ten minutes, that’s all.’ He brushed aside a strand of Robyn’s hair that was in danger of getting sucked into her open mouth. ‘I had a great time with you today, Bloomy,’ he said softly.

  He didn’t know why he was still talking to her. She’d been dead to the world since before young George Bailey had pulled his little brother from the ice. Putting his head back, he let the deep, melodious tones of Jimmy Stewart lull him into sleep.

  *

  Will was woken by a banging sound. He opened his eyes to discover he’d sunk into a semi-reclining position with Robyn sleeping against him. Sleeping practically on top of him, in fact, with one of her arms flung across his chest.

  ‘Wassat?’ he muttered groggily.

  ‘Ash, s’the door,’ Robyn mumbled, more asleep than awake and obviously in no condition to remember which twin she was cuddled up to. ‘You go.’

  ‘Door.’ Will woke up properly and eased himself out from under her. ‘Ugh. Who’s at the door? It’s Christmas Day, for Christ’s sake.’

  He got up, pulling his sweatshirt down to cover his tummy where it had ridden up. Robyn immediately slid into the space he’d been occupying and snuggled against the cushions, fast asleep again. Will pulled the throw back over her and paused, looking down into the face flushed with sleep.

  He frowned for a moment. Then he shook his head, closed the living room door softly and went to answer the knock.

  As soon as he opened the front door a pair of tanned arms seized him, pulling him into a suffocating bear hug.

  ‘Happy Christmas, bruv,’ Ash said. ‘Surprise, eh?’

  10

  ‘Ash.’ Will laughed, taking his brother’s hands. ‘Oh my God! How did you… I mean, what… When did you get back?’

  ‘About an hour ago. I came straight from the airport; my cases are following next week.’ He grinned. ‘Couldn’t let you spend a whole Christmas without me, could I?’

  ‘I can’t believe you’re home! Here, give us another hug.’ Will pulled Ash to him and slapped him heartily on the back. ‘I missed you something rotten, you sneaky fucker. Why didn’t you tell me you were heading back today?’

  ‘Because I wanted to surprise you for Christmas, obviously. I’m the Mrs McCallister to your Kevin.’ Ash smiled as his brother released him. ‘Remember how we always used to play that?’

  ‘Course I do.’ Will glanced towards the living room. ‘Here, come inside properly. I need to tell you something.’

  ‘Yeah, me too.’ Ash closed the front door behind him. ‘Bad news, bruv.’

  Will frowned. ‘Bad news? What is it?’

  Ash laughed. ‘Will, don’t look so bloody serious all the time. I just wanted to let you know we’re not identical any more. Look.’

  He pushed up the sleeve of his fitted T-shirt to show Will the lizard-like creature tattooed on his upper arm.

  ‘It’s an Aboriginal design,’ he said. ‘A spirit totem, from the Dreamtime. What do you think?’

  ‘Er… yeah. Looks great, Ash.’ Will looked him up and down, taking in his brother’s deep tan. ‘Not that anyone’s going to be mixing us up for a month or two. Don’t stand in front of any cabinets, will you? I might never find you again.’

  ‘You’re just jealous.’ Ash pushed past him to open the living room door. ‘So what was it you wanted to tell me?’

  ‘Er…’

  Robyn blinked sleepily at Ash as he entered the room.

  ‘Oh. Hey,’ she said with a drowsy smile. ‘Is it Die Hard time?’

  Ash stared at her. ‘Robyn. Um… hi.’

  ‘What’s up, Will? Why’re you… your clothes.’ She frowned. ‘Your skin. Why’s it gone teak?’

  ‘I—’

  ‘Oh Jesus.’ She sat up and groaned, resting her forehead on her palms. ‘It’s you, isn’t it? It’s fucking you.’

  ‘Rob, I… what’re you doing here?’

  ‘Drinking sherry. What the fuck are you doing here?’

  Ash just blinked at her. Will barged him to one side.

  ‘He’s surprising me for Christmas,’ he told Robyn. ‘Ash is the Mrs McCallister to my Kevin.’

  ‘Yeah, he looks like the kind of irresponsible twat who’d forget to take his own kid on holiday. Twice.’ She got to her feet. ‘I’d better go.’

  ‘Robyn, wait.’ Ash put a hand on her arm
. ‘Stay and talk.’

  ‘I’ve got nothing to say to you, Ashley Barnes.’

  She pushed his hand off and strode out of the room. A second later they heard the front door slam closed.

  ‘So,’ Will said after a moment’s silence. ‘That went well.’

  There was the sound of the front door opening again, and Robyn swept back in.

  ‘Sorry, I nearly forgot.’ She stood on tiptoes to give Will a peck on the cheek. ‘Will, thank you for a wonderful Christmas.’

  And she was gone again, leaving the Barnes twins blinking in her wake.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me she was here?’ Ash hissed when he’d recovered.

  ‘I was about to, wasn’t I? But you just stomped in with your size twelves without giving me the chance to finish, as per usual. Maybe if you’d answered your bloody phone once in the last month, I’d have been able to fill you in.’

  ‘How could I? I’d only have ended up giving the game away, and I really wanted to surprise you.’

  ‘I thought you must be sulking with me.’

  ‘Sulking? Don’t be daft.’ Ash frowned at him. ‘You know, I had pictured you sitting here all on your own today. Practically sobbing into my suitcase for you while I packed, I was.’

  ‘Well, that was what I was going to be doing. And so was Robyn. It seemed a bit ridiculous not to be on our own together.’

  Ash smiled. ‘Thanks for looking after her for me anyway. I can always count on you to have my back, can’t I?’

  ‘Yeah. Still, it must’ve been a shock for the poor cow, you just appearing like that.’

  Ash groaned. ‘God, and I had it all figured out as well, what I was going to say when I saw her. Then she took me by surprise and I buggered the whole thing up.’

  ‘So you did mean it, what you said that day on the phone?’

  ‘What did I say? Sorry, I was a bit pissed.’

  ‘No shit,’ Will said drily. ‘You told me you were still in love her, in between laboured Star Wars metaphors. Are you?’

  ‘Yeah,’ Ash said with a soft sigh. He chucked his rucksack on the floor and sat down.

  Will wasn’t sure why Ash’s revelation should trigger an uncomfortable jolt in his stomach, but it did.

  He was worried about Robyn: that must be it. Worried Ash might hurt her again, as any concerned friend had a right to be. Pushing the unpleasant sensation down, Will took a seat next to his brother.

  ‘She is single, right?’ Ash asked.

  ‘Yes. Although…’ Will stopped himself.

  ‘Although what?’

  ‘Nothing. Forget I said anything.’

  ‘Come on, Will, tell me.’

  ‘Well… she did tell me she’s planning to get out on the dating scene again.’

  ‘But that’s good.’ Ash pushed himself up straighter. ‘That means there’s still a chance to charm my way back in. Does she ever talk about me?’

  ‘Yeah, but I don’t think you’d like it. Your name does tend to be prefixed with “that knobhead” these days. And that’s only when she’s in a good mood.’

  Ash grimaced. ‘Still?’

  ‘You dumped her with no warning then started sleeping with a girl more than ten years her junior less than a month later, Ash. Okay, you’re my brother and I’ll always be on your side, but honestly? You kind of had it coming.’

  ‘All right, all right, stop reminding me.’

  ‘Here. Have some sherry, it’ll help with the jet lag. And the guilt.’ Will reached for the now severely depleted Bristol Cream bottle and poured them both a glass.

  ‘Thanks,’ Ash said, downing a generous mouthful. He pulled a face. ‘Ugh. Sweet.’

  ‘Well, ’tis the season to feel sickly. Unbearably rich, sweet things are part of the authentic Christmas experience.’ Will took a gulp of his drink too. ‘What makes you think Robyn’ll give you another chance anyway? You broke her heart, you know.’

  He flinched. ‘I know I did. But I’m done with that now, Will. I’m ready to grow up, I swear, and if she’ll have me back then I’ll never hurt her again.’ He turned to face his brother. ‘You’ll help me, won’t you?’

  Will blinked. ‘You want me to help you get Robyn back?’

  ‘Well, yeah. Wasn’t that why you asked her round today, to big me up a bit?’

  ‘I asked her because I didn’t like to think of her spending Christmas on her own. Not everything that happens round here is about you, you know.’

  Ash looked hurt. ‘All right, no need to be like that.’

  Will’s frown relaxed. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean it to sound that way.’ He rubbed his brother’s shoulder. ‘It’s good to have you home, kid.’

  ‘So you’ll wingman for me? Please, Will. I’ll need all the help I can get.’

  Will hesitated. ‘You mean it? You really think she’s the one?’

  ‘I don’t think it, I know it. I had a lot of time to soul-search over in Oz and if there’s one thing I’m certain of, it’s that Robyn Bloom’s the only girl for me.’

  ‘Because if you were to hurt her again, Ash, after I’d helped you get her back, then I’m not sure I could forgive myself. I care about her too, you know.’

  ‘Yeah, I know.’ Ash raised his right hand, licked the index finger of his left and drew the tip diagonally along his palm. ‘There. Swear on my life.’

  Will smiled at the simple gesture they’d devised in childhood: The Unbreakable Vow. ‘All right, you daft sod. If you really mean it, then yes, I’ll help you.’

  *

  It was one afternoon in that toffee-penny No Man’s Land between Christmas and New Year – God only knew what day of the week it was; they’d long since blurred into one – and Ash was sitting on his bed, watching YouTube clips on his iPad.

  He frowned as he watched the reunion scene from Say Anything.

  ‘Boom box and Peter Gabriel.’ He shrugged. ‘Worth a shot.’ He flicked to his notes app and added it to the list.

  There was a knock at the bedroom door.

  ‘Can I come in?’ Will asked.

  ‘Yeah, I’m decent,’ Ash called back.

  Will poked his head round the door. ‘Well that’s highly debatable.’

  ‘What’s up, bruv?’

  ‘Brought you a coffee.’

  Will came in and put a steaming mug on the nightstand, then sat down by his brother with one of his own.

  ‘Good day at work?’ Ash asked.

  Will sighed. ‘Not great. Had to give someone some bad news. It’s the one part of the job that never gets easier.’

  ‘Sorry to hear it. Anyone I know?’

  ‘Come on, you know I can’t tell you.’

  ‘Right. Sorry, I keep forgetting you’ve got all these special doctor rules.’ Ash reached for his coffee. ‘Thanks for the drink. Is there a reason you’re being extra nice to me?’

  ‘Well. Missed you, didn’t I?’

  ‘Anyone would think you felt guilty about something.’

  ‘Course not.’

  Ash cocked an eyebrow. ‘Come on, Will, I know you. You’re basically me with a stick rammed up my arse.’

  Will smiled. ‘All right, maybe I do have a slightly guilty conscience. Don’t go mad, but… I might’ve borrowed some of your stuff while you were away.’

  ‘Such as?’

  ‘Er… your Vans?’

  ‘You what? Will, those’re my favourite trainers!’

  ‘No they’re not, you took your favourite trainers. Anything left behind felt unloved enough to be fair game for a loan.’

  ‘So is that it then? Just my Vans?’

  Will coughed. ‘Um, yeah.’ He nodded to the iPad. ‘What’re you doing on that?’

  ‘Trying to come up with a plan.’ Ash flicked to the list he’d been making. ‘This afternoon I’ve watched the ending to pretty much every John Hughes, Nora Ephron and Richard Curtis film ever made.’

  ‘Any particular reason?’

  ‘Because it’s a “winning Robyn back” plan, isn’t it?
I’ve been watching all the clips where the boy gets the girl back after fucking up.’ He frowned. ‘And it is nearly always the boy. Don’t girls ever fuck up?’

  ‘Not in the movies. So did any of these lads bugger off to Australia and shag a twenty-three-year-old?’

  ‘Well, no. But Alan Rickman slept with some girl from work and Emma Thompson took him back.’

  ‘How did he get her to do that?’

  ‘He just looked sort of sad and Alan Rickmany at her until she gave him another shot for the sake of their kids. For all the bloody help that is.’ Ash looked up from his tablet. ‘At least I didn’t cheat on her, right? That has to count for something.’

  ‘Hmm. I think in the general scheme of things, “not having been unfaithful” isn’t something we ought to expect Brownie points for, Ash.’

  ‘Yeah, but it means I didn’t do the ultimate unforgivable thing.’

  ‘You’re a hero.’

  ‘Which means I must still be in with a shot,’ Ash persisted. ‘Here, take a look at my list.’ He passed his brother the iPad.

  ‘“Peter Gabriel,”’ Will read.

  Ash shrugged. ‘Worked for John Cusack.’

  ‘“Snog her in the snow in her pants.”’

  ‘Colin Firth in Bridget Jones’s Diary.’

  ‘“Be just a boy standing in front of a girl asking her to love him. Arrange to meet her on top of the Empire State Building.”’

  ‘Yeah, and that worked twice, in An Affair to Remember and Sleepless in Seattle.’

  ‘“Write her a song or poem. Write soppy stuff on a load of signs and lurk outside her house with them. Tell her she’s perfect just the way she is. And if all else fails…”’

  ‘…buy a bookshop. Well, those guys always get laid, don’t they?’

  Will passed back the iPad. ‘So that’s your plan, retro-schmaltz her back into your life? I can’t see Robyn being impressed by any of this, Ash.’

  Ash reached for his mug. ‘I don’t see you offering anything better.’

  ‘You might just start by apologising for being a twat and asking her out for coffee or something.’

  ‘Oh right, because that wasn’t the first thing I thought of,’ Ash said, rolling his eyes. ‘Pretty difficult when she won’t speak to me. She just blanks me whenever I get near her.’