The Never Have I Ever Club

by Mary Jayne Baker

  He looked at her fleece. That was covered in ice cream too. He’d crushed her cone between them.

  ‘For God’s sake, Ash,’ she said with a sigh.

  ‘Whoops,’ he mumbled. ‘Didn’t mean to do that.’

  Will put an arm around his shoulders. ‘All right, bruv? Why don’t you and me walk back to the bus? We can pick ourselves up some chips on the way.’

  ‘No. Don’t want chips. Geroff, Will.’ He shrugged off his brother’s arm. ‘Robyn, now, you listen. Shhh. Listen. This is important, right?’

  She shook her head. ‘Ash, I can guarantee you’ll regret whatever it is you’re about to say before that minibus pulls back into Kettlewick. Go with Will, eh?’

  ‘No, but you have to listen, or I’ll never get my guts up again. Just shush and listen.’ He took a deep breath. ‘Robyn Bloom, I love you. I love you and I’ll always love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And I know you feel the same, so don’t even try to deny it because… lies are bad.’ He folded his arms. ‘There. What do you say to that?’

  ‘Ash, seriously. It’s fucking half-four in the afternoon. Have you been drinking solidly since we dropped you off?’

  Will put a hand on his brother’s shoulder again. ‘Listen to her, Ash. Keep going down this track and you’ll be kicking yourself in the morning.’

  ‘Oh, right, Caution Boy’s got something to say,’ Ash said, glaring at him. ‘You don’t know, Johnny Play-it-safe. You never loved a girl your whole life, did you?’

  ‘Ash, come on. We’ll talk about it at the bus, just me and you.’

  ‘Just get lost a minute, Will. I’m talking to Robyn and you’re being a right bloody gooseberry.’ He pushed Will’s hand away. ‘Right, where was I? Oh yeah. Robyn, I love you. And okay, so I fucked up. Lots of people fuck up. Alan Rickman shagged that lass from his office and he got away with it.’

  ‘Not the time, Ash,’ Will muttered.

  ‘Ignore Will, he’s talking out of his arse,’ Ash said to Robyn. ‘I fucked up, but ’m not going to fuck up any more. And Rob, I want to take you up the Empire State Building.’

  She snorted. ‘That better not be a euphemism.’

  ‘Seriously. Like in Sleepless in Seattle or Affair to Thingy. And make love to you under the… um, Central Park or whatever it is they’ve got there.’

  A crowd had gathered to watch the scene. It was quite a spectacle: a drunken man covered in ice cream slurring out his love to a woman similarly covered in ice cream while his exact double tried to drag him away.

  One little lad held a bag of toffee popcorn out to his neighbour. It felt like only a matter of time until a hot dog seller showed up.

  Robyn looked at Will. ‘What’s he talking about, Central Park?’

  Will looked pained. ‘I advised him against this.’

  Ash was rummaging through the pockets of his jeans, looking like a man with an itch he couldn’t quite get at.

  ‘There!’ he said, pulling out an envelope and waving it triumphantly. ‘Tickets. To New York, this May. Got ’em for us. You’re coming on a romantic mini-break with me, Rob, whether you like it or not.’

  ‘He’s not serious?’ Robyn said, still addressing Will.

  ‘Yeah,’ Will muttered. ‘He bought them to impress you. I told him they wouldn’t.’

  ‘You were right. Jesus, what could he have been thinking?’ Casting Ash a disgusted glance, she brushed past the pair of them. ‘Get him out of here, Will. Take him back to the bus where he can sober up a bit before the drive home. And for fuck’s sake, keep him out of my sight.’

  16

  When Will came downstairs the next morning, he found Ash lying face down on the sofa, groaning.

  ‘So you’re up, are you?’

  ‘I’m not sure this constitutes being up,’ Ash mumbled. ‘I’ve just relocated my hangover from the bedroom to the living room. For variety, you know?’

  Will pushed his brother’s legs off the sofa and sat down. ‘Well you ballsed everything right up yesterday. Proud of yourself?’

  ‘What did I do, Will?’

  ‘You undid all my good work with Robyn, making your case on the boat, that’s what.’

  ‘Yeah, but specifically what did I do?’

  ‘Yelled out that you loved her in front of a crowd of holidaymakers,’ Will said, counting on his fingers. ‘Covered her in caramel ice cream and shards of 99 Flake. Invited her to New York so you could make love to her under the Central Park. And just generally made a complete cock of everything.’

  Ash groaned. ‘Shit. I do remember some of that. I was hoping it was a nightmare brought on by too much whisky.’ He looked up. ‘Was I a bit of a dick to you as well, or did I imagine it?’

  ‘You certainly didn’t imagine it. You took great offence at me trying to stop you making a total tit of yourself in front of the woman you love. And you called me Caution Boy, which I think you meant to be pretty cutting, although I’d tend to take it as a compliment.’

  ‘Sorry, Will. I don’t think you’re a Caution Boy; that was the Glenfiddich talking.’ With an effort, Ash pushed himself into a sitting position. ‘Would a holiday to New York make it up to you? Because I’ve got a ticket going begging.’

  Will snorted. ‘You what? I’m not holding your hand up the Empire State Building.’

  ‘You forgive me though?’ Ash said, flashing his most winning smile – or at least, the closest he could manage through his throbbing head. ‘Because drunk Ash might be an ungrateful twat, but sober Ash is very beholden to you for trying to dig him out of a mess of his own making.’

  ‘Again.’ Will shrugged. ‘Oh, forget about it. You’ve got bigger problems.’

  ‘I know.’ Ash sighed. ‘You think she’ll ever forgive me?’

  ‘It could take a while,’ Will admitted. ‘The worst thing is, I’d made great progress on the yacht. She was actually ready to talk to you, maybe even try to be friends again. Then you went steaming in with your bloody gestures and now we’re back to square one. Or whatever the square is that’s way, way behind the first one.’

  ‘What can I do about it?’

  ‘Just lay low for a while. I’ll speak to her, see if I can sweet-talk her into giving you another chance to talk things over.’

  ‘Would you?’ Ash said, brightening. ‘She always listens to you.’

  ‘Course I would. Love you, don’t I?’

  Ash smiled. ‘I wonder why sometimes.’

  ‘Heh. Me too. And yet I can’t seem to help it.’ Will slapped his brother’s leg and stood up. ‘Right, I need to get to work. What’re your plans for today?’

  ‘Sleep it off for an hour or so. Maybe head into Skipton and call at the office, check everything’s ticking along.’

  ‘What, do some work? You? Heaven forbid.’

  ‘I know, don’t know what’s come over me. So any chance of a coffee, since I’m in such a delicate state?’

  ‘No, I’ll be late. You’ll have to make your own.’ Will looked at Ash, who was hunched over with his cheeks resting on his fists. ‘And you can stop wallowing – it won’t help. What would Mum say if she was here?’

  ‘Oh, I know this one. She’d say, “Ashley Barnes, stop sitting around feeling sorry for yourself or I’ll give you something to be sorry about.”’

  Will laughed. ‘She would, wouldn’t she? But that wasn’t what I was thinking of. I was remembering how she used to tell us that when life gives you a battering, you need to put your best face on, get out there and show the world who’s boss.’

  ‘Put my best face on.’ Ash rubbed his eyes. ‘Right now, my best face is buried deep, deep under my hungover face. But thanks for the pep talk.’

  *

  ‘Come on, El.’ Robyn was sitting at her desk in the museum with her mobile tucked under one ear. ‘It’ll be dead classy, I swear. You’ll be just like Kate Winslet in Titanic.’

  ‘I told you, Rob, no. I haven’t got the tits for it. Why don’t you ask Will?’

 
‘He reckons it’s against the ethics of his profession, the lying git. And now I’ve got less than five weeks to find us a model or I’m going to have to hire a professional, which’ll eat a huge chunk of our subs money.’ She popped an M&M into her mouth. ‘What about Frey? She’s a modern, uninhibited woman of the world.’

  ‘If she does it then you can count me out. There’s a special wing in Broadmoor for the sort of men who get a kick out of drawing their sisters in the buff,’ he said. ‘You know, you could always do it yourself.’

  ‘No thank you. Between my ex, my doctor and my aunt, there’ll already be three people in the room who’ve seen my fanny at some point in my life. I’d like to preserve some of its mystique. What about your Winnie?’

  ‘Absolutely not. I refuse to have Winnie’s bits on public display. It’ll ruin my feeling of specialness.’

  Robyn smiled. ‘I could hear you wince then, El.’

  ‘Shut up.’

  ‘What happened to the Jonny plan?’

  He sighed. ‘I gave it a go, but Jonny didn’t seem to fit him in the end. He’s just become a Winnie to me now.’

  ‘And yet you can’t stop wincing.’

  ‘I’m working on it. Maybe the new tattoo’ll help. He’s going next week.’

  The front door opened and Will walked in, his smart clothes indicating that he’d come from work.

  ‘Got to go, El, someone’s here,’ Robyn said, nodding a hello. ‘You know where I am if you decide to reconsider being Kate for our nineteen Leos.’

  ‘Not going to happen. See you, Rob.’

  ‘Afternoon,’ she said to Will when she’d hung up.

  ‘Hiya, Bloom. Was that Eliot on the phone?’

  ‘Yeah. I’m still trying to recruit a model for the life drawing. No joy from that quarter, sadly.’ She stood to greet him with a peck on the cheek. ‘I hadn’t expected to see you today.’

  ‘I came over to apologise for Ash,’ he said. ‘I mean, for what he did yesterday, not just in general.’

  Her brow knit. ‘One of these days, Will Barnes, you’ll have to stop saying sorry for that knobhead. He’s a big boy. If he feels like he owes me an apology, he’s perfectly capable of delivering it himself.’

  ‘And you’d have listened if he’d shown up pleading for forgiveness, would you?’

  ‘No, I’d have chucked him out on his over-entitled backside. But at least he’d have the satisfaction of knowing he’d managed to behave like a grown-up for once in his life.’

  ‘Well, let me buy you lunch to make it up to you. It might’ve been my brother’s fault, but I do feel really bad about you getting doused with ice cream.’

  She shrugged. ‘Your fleece took the worst of it. I’m more upset about the public humiliation, to be honest.’

  ‘I feel bad about that too.’

  ‘Go on then, since I’ve not seen much of you lately. But if you mention your brother again, I might have to headbutt something. Possibly you.’

  ‘I’ll try to restrain myself.’ He peered over her. ‘No Felicity?’

  ‘No, she rang in to say she’s feeling a bit under the weather. Too much candy floss and brandy yesterday, I bet.’

  ‘So are you okay to leave the place unattended?’

  ‘I can close it for lunch.’ She sighed. ‘Not that it’ll make a difference. We won’t get any customers.’

  ‘Business that bad, is it?’

  ‘Other than me and Fliss, you’re only the third person through that door this week. And one of those was a lost DPD driver looking for the Maypole.’

  ‘Well, can I be a customer?’

  She smiled. ‘You?’

  ‘Yeah. It’s ages since I had a proper look around the place.’ He slapped a fiver down on the desk. ‘There you go. One full guided tour please, Ms Bloom.’

  ‘Okay. But I warn you, don’t expect much.’

  ‘Come on, what kind of salesmanship is that?’ He picked up a leaflet from her desk. ‘Are these what you use for promotion?’

  ‘Yeah, why?’

  ‘Bloom, no museum has ever enticed in visitors with Comic Sans and pixelated clipart. Why don’t you get some designed professionally?’

  ‘Because we haven’t got any money. There’s no budget for fancy flyers, or for anything else. There’s barely a budget for me.’

  ‘You’re a registered charity, aren’t you?’

  ‘Well yes, but we’re not exactly feeding the orphans here. Not many people would give their time for free just to help preserve a 140-year-old three-headed cat.’

  ‘What about Ash’s design agency? I’m sure they’d do it pro bono. He owes you a favour or ninety.’

  She scoffed. ‘What, Ash work without pay? You give him too much credit, Will. He’s not like you.’

  ‘That could literally not be further from the truth.’

  ‘All right, he’s technically very like you,’ she conceded. ‘But Ash Barnes doesn’t do anything for nothing.’

  ‘He would for you.’

  ‘Yeah, because he wants something from me. That’s the difference between you and him. You chose a job helping others because you thought it was a good thing to do with your life. Ash only helps others when he knows he’ll ultimately be helping himself.’

  ‘You’re too hard on him, Bloom. He’s a prat sometimes, okay, but he’s not a scumbag.’

  ‘I believed that once too, until he proved me wrong. You’re blinded by brotherly love, that’s your problem.’ She squeezed his arm. ‘But let’s not talk about Ash, we’ll only end up falling out. Come have this tour, then we’ll grab a bite at the pub.’

  She led him upstairs and gestured around the second-floor room that housed the museum’s more popular exhibits.

  ‘I’ll spare you the full spiel, since I’m guessing you have to be back at work by one. But feel free to spend ten minutes examining our local wonders. Your ticket lets you come back any time in the next year if you want a closer look at anything.’ She tucked her arm into his and led him around the room. ‘We’ve got some nightmarish wax dolls from the Victorian era, if they might take sir’s fancy. Or there’s the prehistoric animal skulls. Or perhaps our display of carboniferous rock would be more to your taste? I warn you, it’s thrilling stuff. Pregnant women and those of a nervous disposition are advised to look away now.’

  ‘I’d like to see the cat please, Miss. Used to love that creepy old thing when I was a kid.’

  ‘Tell you what, as you’re a special guest I’ll even let you give her a brush.’ She reached on top of Cerberpus’s case and passed Will the soft-bristled brush they used to keep her glossy. ‘Be gentle, won’t you? The old girl’s getting on a bit.’

  She unlocked the cabinet and Will lightly ran the brush over the cat’s back.

  ‘Imagine if that’d happened to you and Ash,’ Robyn said. ‘The conjoined twin thing, I mean. You’d have to go through life with his head on your shoulder, constantly making inane comments in your ear.’

  ‘It’d certainly have made our sex lives interesting,’ Will said. ‘Hey, you remember when they brought us on a school trip here in Year Seven? You and me didn’t really talk to each other at that stage of our lives, what with you being a stinky girl, but I remember you being right at the front for every display.’

  ‘That was when I first fell for the place,’ Robyn said, smiling. ‘The quirky and macabre always held a special place in my heart.’

  ‘Very Edgar Allan Poe. Still, you looked pretty cute skipping from cabinet to cabinet in your pigtails.’

  ‘I didn’t have pigtails, Will. I had a short back and sides that made me look like a lad. And I’m absolutely certain I didn’t skip.’

  ‘Well, maybe that’s just how I like to remember you.’ He leaned in to examine Cerberpus more closely. ‘She’s missing an eye, isn’t she?’

  ‘Yeah, it dropped out,’ Robyn said, frowning at the empty eye socket on the cat’s middle head. ‘I’m not allowed to just superglue it back in, apparently; I have to wait for the c
ouncil to arrange for an official licensed restorer. God knows how long that’ll take.’ She glanced around the room. ‘I don’t think there’s anything in here that’s different to when we came on that trip nearly twenty-five years ago. Except that now it’s all falling to bits.’

  ‘Well I think this place rocks. And I think you rock for working in it, Bloom. It’s great you found something you want do for love rather than money.’

  ‘Okay, Your Doctorliness. Try not to sound too patronising about it, eh?’

  ‘No, I mean it. This place is a real asset to the village. I love how weird it is.’

  She laughed. ‘And weird little Robyn Bloom gathering dust with the rest of the exhibits. I might leave the place my corpse so they can mummify me and stick me in a cabinet too.’

  ‘Oi. Some of us are quite attached to weird little Robyn Bloom.’ He held out a crooked arm for her to link. ‘Come on, let’s get some dinner.’

  It was a quiet Monday lunchtime in the Boon Companions. They claimed themselves a table in the empty snug, then Will went to the bar to order drinks and a couple of sandwiches.

  ‘I hope we’re not going to start any new gossip, having dinner together,’ Robyn said as she sipped her Diet Coke.

  Will frowned. ‘Gossip?’

  ‘I think it’s dried up now Ash is home. Still, I’m sure Mrs Carlton would be delighted to give the rumours of our torrid affair a second outing.’

  ‘Right,’ Will said. ‘Look, Bloom. You didn’t let me apologise properly before. For Ash, I mean.’

  ‘I told you, I’m not accepting apologies on his behalf. Let him say sorry if he wants to.’

  ‘He would, if he thought you’d listen.’

  ‘Mmm. Yet somehow, you’re here and he isn’t.’

  ‘Because I told him I’d speak to you first, try to smooth things over. You did promise yesterday you were going to hear what he had to say.’

  ‘Well that was before he got wankered in the middle of the afternoon, nearly sabotaged my carefully planned seaside trip, threw ice cream all over me, humiliated me in public and started chucking trips to New York in my face, wasn’t it?’